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As the hours dwindle down and I contemplate my evening agenda...I reflect on another day that has slipped away.



I used the mantra "Keep Moving Forward" for sometime...stolen from the movie Meet the Robinsons. But, that doesn't seem to be the direction that I ever actually move. It always appears to me in my mind that I am actually moving backward. I would rather have that "Wheels spinning in the Mud" feel versus the ever dooming reverse at 60mph.



I can't seem to articulate or communicate my thoughts properly...I either get laughed at or scolded for such silliness. I mean...how exactly can you explain your desire to poke another womans eye out with a stilleto shoe? Ok...yeah laugh...but that's my life...not just what will happen to her, but what would the reaction of all the people in the room be...devising a plan of actually putting the shoe on my foot afterward and walking out...while the whole room remains in turmoil and the victim writhing on the floor...



I am not in a place that I feel comfortable financially either....just to add to my already stressful life...



And finally, I've become very good at destroying other peoples lives along the way. I confuse people...I create worry...and hate....I am so talented. I'm am so disgusted with this person who i've become...and I can't seem to find relief in site...as another day slips away.

I can't help but wonder, will there come some sort of epiphany or spark or light or whatever that will break me out of this trance-like life I am living????



How can I be so afraid to speak up and say what I feel?...out loud that is...



I am constantly screaming on the inside. Feeling so alive and so wired, but yet no way to unleash it and be heard. I want to show them what I am made of...hell yeah I'm Irish! But, I am so insecure that I feel I am incapable of such a thing. I want to be that one....that fears nothing and lives life to the fullest...the one who is always happy...who shows it not only in her outward appearance but all the way to the core.



Kisses in the rain...dances in the snow...and holding all the warmth of the sun when she smiles.



I don't want to continue to look back in angst and feel regret and doubt and wish for another life...I want to live in this one....but, how long shall I keep waiting for a spark?

It's been some time, since I've visited these pages...a place I used to find myself after being lost...a place that I could pour my thoughts...it was my place.



Not much has changed in my life....it is still as in as much chaos as ever...I continue to destroy my very being almost daily. I deny my thoughts...I deny my dreams...I put on this perfect little performance almost daily to appease my audience.



I am so broken...I have taken the pills, I have seen all the docs, I have gotten all the care in the world, but nothing can repair all the damage that was done.



I still have hope...I don't know how or why. I question my existence on a daily share. My heart is so locked up that I can't even express my feelings to those who I dearly love. I don't like to talk about it mostly...nobody really get's it anyway. The drugs only keep me numb to everything around me.



I run to keep my sanity these days...it's the only thing that I find pleasure in. Of course, that is really mostly painful as my body is older and not what it once was...I'm ashamed to get out of bed most days...but, as you know I must...it's not an option in my world.



Everyone has the answers for me....who I should be with and why it'll be so much better for everybody....denying that anyone else could ever love me as much...are they saying that i'm that damaged...that I should just...take it while I can, cause it's not possible that another could give me the same.



I hurt....he did that....and I'm afraid of him. Why can't the world just get that. I need my life...a need a life with peace...and no fear of retribution for every single action in my day to day life. I need to breathe...without someone stifling me until I choke...



The dark dreams are still there...they'll never pass...I'll be cursed for my sins until I die. I've accepted them now. Just as I've accepted that I may never be able to show love again or receive it in the capacity that I've so long desired to do.



I am just as lost now as I was when I left this place...it's been some time.