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Today we had the breakdown. It has been coming for some time. I still feel it within. It is not over. Just a brief pause to muster up some strength. My face hurts. My eyes are gone. He couldn't even look. Needing to be held, but nobody here to do that. The princess asked "Did daddy hurt you mommy?". Can you fathom what that felt like. I can't play with the jewels again. I will lose my job. Some bullshit about destruction of government property. So, no outlets, but tears scorchng my face periodically. Going to try to sip it down, and keep myself numb enough to make it to the weekend.

I hate when people are so fucking selfish. I hate when they talk down to me. I think I have earned a little respect. I think I will quit. It will cost me financially. I will have to move again. It will probably end what I have left of "us". It will kill future promotions. But, the stupid bitch is causing me to have a fucking nervous breakdown. I have enough garbage in my can right now. I don't need this shit too! My chest is fucking hurting...this can't be good.

I am so fucked up today....all those empty words...toying with my emotions...saying this and that...stirring me. Why do they say these things? They are so meaningless? I can't do any of it...just words. No feeling behind them. It hurts to think about it. Yes, I want that someone to take care of me...but, I have to be able to take care of myself. It's not just about "that"...yeah, who doesn't like "that"?...but, it is bigger than just "that". I need to be loved. I am beginning to doubt if Love even exists...or is it just a smokescreen for "that". I am not a toy. Stop playing with me! It fucking hurts!

I am so drained this morning. Exhausted from the night before. I am so empty and I just want to sleep it off, but I have to go to work. There is no calling in sick in my world. I needed something from him and he couldn't even hold me when I cried. What kind of man is this? He has no heart for me. The new Starbucks thermos cannot patch the whole in my heart. Fuck, make this stop!

Stupid Lousy Bitch....soooooooooo stupid. That hurts.

I want to rest and to feel love.....and this week I have accomplished neither. I want to go home...but, I wonder if that is just a fairytale destined for a nightmare....the dream seems to have already unraveled like the ribbon around the gifts. Why is it so difficult for me to believe? Isn't this the season for miracles? My one hope of a miracle seems to have faded. The chances dimming each day like the forecast for snow in south Texas. Sadly I know I will not get what I truly want for Christmas...it's impossible. There is always next year.......

I feel like an empty stocking hanging over a cold fireplace. I can't win....just lose every day. I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror today. Who have I become? I am lost ....the holiday has become nothing but total stress and chaos for me...I just need to rest. I can't keep doing these things to myself everyday....nothing but self destruction for weeks. I am sick...really sick...damaged lip...broken pieces to fill the empty stocking.

Not only am I not wanted.....I am stupid. "You are so stupid"....ringing in my head, over and over....we will never get it back...this is useless...he won't touch me and now he says it "You are so stupid". I can't do this anymore. I have to go.