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my mind is resting now, but my body isn't. I feel "weak" and unable to stay awake even after a night of somnia.



I figure when I die, it will be from my heart giving out. I know how to get it to calm down, at least. There is no need to mention the meditation technique I utilize. It is merely "convincing" myself of what I suspect is happening to actually happen. The effect is immediate, and blue (don't ask me why, I just sense this colour as my nerves subside). Afterwards, I am able to sleep a deep sleep.



As I noticed just this morning, when I enter such a slumber, my body "locks-in" to position. As if some piece of machinery shifts its mechanism. It is perfect comfort with lack of all other sensation, and once this is broken out of, my body simply cannot adjust to the waking life entirely. I stumble over too many things, my legs are tired, but they are not...it is a difficult sensation to explain.



I am dizzy; someone told me I looked like I was high on something earlier today.



Read an old journal entry from a few monthes back. Found an odd detail I would have otherwise forgotten. This comforts me. I will need to be this thorough with more entries. I never know what will be lost if I don't

As far as I can gather, it has been three days now since my brain has ceased to fully "rest" itself. The experience is nothing I would ever wish upon anyone else, but if it were to happen I would tell them to enjoy the emotions, feelings, and dreams (as well as waking hallucinations). I tend to classify certain experiences in the same manner. In my current state, I run the risk of my heart giving out, but the experience has been...addictively maddening.



I would classify what has happened as seeing the world through different eyes: harsher, and more concise (not cruel, mind you, just logically calm). My steps seem to translate me in a different fashion...I find this hard to explain, it feels drawling.



Dreams have taken a similar course of events. They are not mere experiments in idle mind-wandering (as one would expect in proper psycho-somnia) but more to the heart of the matters that affect me in my deepest current state of awareness. No holds barred, all out there in the open without need for interpretation. Its an active thought process with images instead of words; Which is why I do not classify this type of dreaming to be sign of restful mind-sleep. My physical body lays as one that is dead...it all ways has, I'm a sleeper sound enough to warrant my parents checking my pulse when I was some years younger. I also notice that my body produces different levels of heat when I am in different states of sleep. For this current state, heat tends to be drawn out of my body more than it is drawn into. As I woke from a rather pleasant dream (these new dreams all seem to be pleasant to an extent, but more fairly given and formed to supplement my need only "just enough") I noticed that I became suddenly aware of just how much heat had been collected into my quilt. Whereas in moments prior I was comfortably at a stable temperature, now I was gaining back that heat quite quickly...It was nearly sweltering for a moment as my core temperature re-adjusted itself.



I all most don't want this state to end, but I know I will have to ween myself off it if I fancy staying alive much longer.



My skin has stopped crawling, but I am still seeing far too many things that I would rather not have to dwell upon later.



"Die"

Normally, I don't show on this particular night of the week, let alone by myself. To be particulate, it seemed an atmosphere foreign to me. I was aware that the door prices were high on this night, but the price seems to have risen by 3 dollars since last I arrived.



The coat rack is back as well, its a shame, I liked that corner next to the bar. It was peaceful.



I start by making my rounds around the place to get a feel for the atmosphere. It was so packed, I'm glad I'm so flexible. I noticed no one was seated in the area next to the DJ station; In fact, the whole place seemed to resonate with a whisper of "do not enter". The neat table clothes and floral arrangements seemed to stand testament to that. Still, I didn't see anyone in there besides the two people dry-humping one another later on (which was clearly visible from my spot on the floor).



That out of my mind, I went around the other way to see if I could sneak in a request or two, or eight. There was a staff member standing sentinel over the stairwell. Now, he wasn't a large man, but he resonated that same whisper I had felt at the opposite end. Funny, when did this place become so elitist?



I did find time to dance for a round of songs eventually. Placed myself right about the middle (which was surprisingly bare whenever the floor was not packed). But they eventually packed in around me, people. I didn't mind, I was in a nice spot and no one was bothering me (which was both welcome and saddening). One chap extended his hand and took mine for a moment, but he must've been distracted because after that initial smile, he sorta *whooshed* away. One other girl complimented me on my belt.



Well, I said it was good to be surrounded by people, but not if you are trying to get off the floor. I found that I simply could not fool myself into dancing to one tune that was being played, so I decided it was best to leave for the time being. I timed the way in which people were swaying in and out of the horrid ear-bleeding, whatever it was shit-tastrophy. Nearly got through without too much disturbance, until I stepped squarely on someone's foot with one of my platforms. I couldn't tell what to make of that shriek. It wasn't "hey, watch it", and it surely wasn't "ouch, that hurt"...I didn't give it much thought, the path was clear after that one last obstacle that was her foot.



The rest of the evening just "passed", I guess you could say. I'm not sure what people thought of me, a seeming official envoy from Factory Monday. The girls didn't know what to think, the boys probably thought that they would get no such luck with me: which may be true, since I do appreciate women, but I'm open to the possibility of other factions. Maybe I just scared them all aback with the 12 lyric symbols I transcribed unto my arms.



I took a quick picture when I arrived home. I'm definately not a happy kitten tonight.



Something isn't right, my skin is starting to crawl again. It doesn't itch, but it feels more like something is crawling over it. I wanted to avoid sleeping in my own room tonight, due to the dream about and presence of spiders herein. Not only that, but I'm starting to see things again. Spots of darkness, and a definate shape of such as I was driving home. It was closer this time, as if it was right outside my window. They must know that I am in an emotionally vulnerable state again.



Only my body rests these days, my mind does not fully recoup.