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I found something last night

I thought I’d lost my strength

I wanted to come to you, pleading

To feel your arms around me

To know gentleness

To lay me down beside you

My head upon your chest

And shed my tears

To know comfort

To let go of fears

To be human

A woman

A child

To finally trust that elusive emotion

Which has evaded us time and again



But you weren’t here

So my tears fell in the privacy of my heart

Drowning my dreams, my hopes, my trust

.............................................................................

To be continued

You came to me last night

Needing me

Like a little child

Who needs a teddy bear

Or a night light



You wanted comfort and shelter

From a stormy existence

And, as always, I complied

I was there for you once again

Just as I have been so many times before



But my compliance left me empty, bleeding, raw.



Why do I give so much to you

Knowing I will never receive anything in return?



Next time must be different

I must retain a little bit of strength

If for no other reason that to tell you goodbye

For I must put an end to this charade

This lie I have been living for so long

Praying that you would love me



I must stop dreaming

Return to reality once again –

This time for good

You ask me what I feel

But do you really want to hear?

Pain, fear, confusion, anger

And so much emptiness



I have spent so many years

Living up to others’ expectations

And visions of what I should be

That I’m not sure who I really am



I am my parents’ little girl

An example for my brother

The faithful, hard-working employee

An understanding friend

Yet a failure in many eyes –

Mostly my own



I give and give and give again

And I am so empty



All in all, I am a mirror of your dreams

A person of many faces



But who am I?

An insecure child in an adult world

Afraid to step out on my own

Afraid to try for the brass ring

Afraid of failure

Afraid to be alone

Afraid

There she sits

A whirlwind

Trapped in a stoppered bottle

Aloof from the world

For all to see



Yet deep inside

Are the hidden fires

Of beauty and love and desire



Coolly warm?

Quietly alive?

I think not



She masks the true self

Afraid to let others see

The need inside

Afraid to love, to feel,

To grow again



And so she sits

Trapped in her world

Waiting for her Aladdin

Someday is a place

A time

A dream



A blade of summer grass

A melting icicle



It is reminiscent of a day

When someday was reality

Filled with hope



Someday was a word we used to taunt each other

A distant spot we hungered for

But were anxious not to find too soon



Someday was a yearning

A man I knew and loved

In a someday sort of way



Because today

Was never quite our style



Someday was the child we wanted

And I had

A love we should have shared

But couldn’t

A time I knew would come

But never has

I’ve faced it then, have I?

I suppose I have.

The magical answer to the question

“What do you really want?”



I’ve had the want

Now I want the have

The touch

The hand

The real

The feel of the same leg cast easily over mine

For a decade of mornings together

For two decades or three

That same leg flung over me

The same smile

A sameness



Oh, God, yes,

I’d love that

I’ve tasted the hors d’oeuvres

Nibbled at the cakes and pies

Tasted all the lies

Of liberty, of freedom