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I am so tired of people pissing off my individual. As soon as we get him calmed down, you go in there fucking with him again and wonder why he wants to beat you the fuck up. He had a doctors appointment this morning. He was trying to lay down and take a nap, but we had to get him up for the appointment because it was for his feet - extremely important. He was escalated and angry the entiiiiiiiire ride to the appointment, all the way into the building. As soon as he saw his dad though, he calmed down right away. He was fine all the way through the appointment and all the way back to the car and all the way home. We gave him his medications and then the behavior people show up, and I will be damned they make him do shit he doens't want to do EVERY TIME. He gets pissed, has about an hour episode. He calms down and not even five minutes later you're in there pissing him off AGAIN. Like leave the man alone! You wouldn't want someone coming into your house, making you do things you don't want to do, and then when you finally get to do what you want to, they're back in your damned face pissing you off again. I don't understand it.

Good lord. I found my all poetry webpage from 12 years ago when I was on here too. I can't believe I wrote this crap. hahahah

COMMENTS

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ToxicDreams
18:44 Mar 24 2021

I feel the same way with my main.
haha.
I'm like DAMN, i was like that?

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Hatfield
23:48 Mar 24 2021

@ToxicDreams I know right. It's insane to come back to. Even coming back here was a big like "damn" moment. So much has changed.

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I really want to get back to writing. I think it would help stabilize my moods and give me an outlet for all this anger and depression. I might start writing at work. I have a ton of down time now working the 12 hour shifts, so who knows where this could go.

I can't tell you how hard it is to basically be a single parent when there are two parents present. I work 12 hours a day, go home and have to cook dinner, do laundry, clean up and my other half is not even working right now. I went home last night and my son hadn't even done his homework yet. I asked him why not and he said he asked his dad if he could play on his phone instead. Neither of them have any sense of responsibility. I told them I wish I could just decide I didn't want to go to work and be done with it, like he just decides he doesn't want to do his homework. We'd be broke, homeless, no phone for his disrespectful self to play on. I should just get it cut off to where he can't use it. I feel like I am the only one worried about anything, and it's exhausting.

Finally caught a small break. I was able to get a loan to pay off three of the other loans. Now, instead of paying $581 every two weeks, I only pay $330 a month. Big change. Now I'm trying to sit here and pay bills but my debit card isn't being accepted even though there is $700 in there. Starting to piss me off. Bank opens in a few minutes, so I will call and see what the hell is going on.

I think I may have screwed myself with the new $1400 stimulus checks coming out. The bank I have been using for the passed few years I decided to close and move to a credit union. So now they will deposit into an account that isn't even there, and then they will return it and mail it as a paper check and we're getting ready to move. So this is awesome. Money I really could use to get further out of debt and move with, and I may not even get it for months. Awessssssome.

I feel like a fucking bum. I try so fucking hard to try and do things right and then I get screwed by people who are supposed to love me. I work my ass off. I get beat up atleast three days out of a five day work week. I am behind in literally EVERYTHING because I am the only one working. All he can say is "I'm on the out of work list. There's nothing else I can do." I fucking love you but goddamn can't you find a regular fucking job for the time being? So the fuck what you won't make $18 an hour but you wouldn't be sitting at the house on the fucking couch watching me fucking DROWN. It's to the point where my fucking thoughts are really dark lately, and I haven't been through that in YEARS. What the fuck man. I just need some fucking help. Right when I think I see light at the end of the tunnel come to find out it't just an illusion. There is no fucking escape. Just sinking until you can't even breathe, but you don't even get the pleasure of dying fucking peacefully.

Fuck.