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So, I'm completely in my feelings today. About a year, year and a half ago, someone my husband knows offered to let us adopt her unborn baby. We believed that this was going to happen. Last minute, she gave the baby up to another family. I went into a deep depression and literally just never wanted to get out of bed. I've never been able to get pregnant and it's always bothered me. Fast forward to yesterday. She messages me on facebook, and says there is an urgent and important matter she wants to discuss. She's seven months pregnant, knows their going to take the baby because even though she is clean now, when they test the baby's chord blood, the baby will test positive. So I know that this baby is automatically going to have different needs. I'm just fucking distraught that literally it's right there, and I can't reach out and grab it. Jacob was three when he came into my life. We've been trying for six and a half years to get pregnant and it's just not happening. Doctors told me that I am healthy and nothing wrong with my reproduction but it's just not happening. Jake has three children altogether. I just keep thinking that I'm just fucking broken, and it's just never going to happen for me and I need to just get over it. My husband doesn't want anything to do with this, "I just feel it's a bad idea." It is a bad idea. I just don't think I will ever get the chance again.

I don't know. I am tired of mentally being here.

I am so sore. I went to the gym yesterday and had a personal training session. I about died. This lady was easily five or six months pregnant and I couldn't even do half the stuff she was doing, but I didn't give up. She said she was proud of me for not giving up, but I feel like I should have been able to do more than what I did.

After the gym, I packed up and loaded like 75% of my house and took it to storage like we planned. When I tell you I was sweating and ready for a nap when I got done. I went to bed around 10pm last night and still slept til like 1pm today. My body is so mad. I was up for around four hours this morning though when I had to get Junior up and off to school... but that's still a lot of sleep.

So, how's everyone else doiing? lol

I need to pick up a second job. I'm tired of being broke. Plus, I am trying to move and I don't make enough to be able to afford something that is actually going to be big enough for us. I am paying out more than what I need to be since he is out of work right now. I applied to two different places today, so hopefully I will hear something back next week sometime.

I am trying to pay off some collection accounts and get my credit up another 20 or so points so that I can qualify for a loan to buy a house. I've already talked to a lender and a realtor, and they are both on board to help me which is awesome, if I can get this shit off my credit. The only bad thing is, I will have to move before I can qualify for a loan, which is going to take the savings that I have and I will have to save up even more for a down payment on a house in the next year.

It's a lot to do alone, and I feel like I am the only one actually trying to make this dream a reality. It's exhausting. Guess I'll try and find some more places to apply to. Gonna be great, a full time job, a part time job and a full time student. Yippee.

Forgot to set my damned alarm this morning so didn't have time to go to the gym. (They're really busy at that time of the day.) So I opted for some fresh air and some pokestops. I walked around the park and got 3200 out of my 5000 step goal. I know that's extremely low, but I am just starting out and I think that's a comfortable enough spot to start. Tomorrow I will be getting up at 9am and going no matter what. Muahaha. Here's to health!

Oh! I forgot to mention I joined a gym yesterday! A friend and I went and signed up. We're going to go together(hopefully) every other day. I would like to go every day, because I need to get my body under control. I think I am going to get up and go tomorrow. Even if I am just walking on a treadmil or riding a bike, anything is better than sleeping all day. I've already cut out drinking soda and eating fast food, which I was doing literally every day or every other day. I just needed and extra push to get it done and she was like here we go!

I hope I can stick to this routine, because let's be honest, I get lazy. I have little to no motivation when it comes to my health. I really hope this works out well.

COMMENTS

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StandingonBrokendreams
07:18 Jan 13 2021

That is awesome.

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Not sure why I decided to extend my premium membership. I really only get on here to check messages, lol. I think once I start up classes, I may be a little more active here. I'll probably be talking about some of the school work I do, and maybe get your guys' opinions on some of the papers I turn in and whatnot. Who knows.