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I feel like... I have a long way to go, but I am further progressed than I previously thought. That fills me with warmth and happiness.

I wish that sometimes my initial anger didn't happen - but my reactions after, and even my verbal initial reactions to things... they are great. Someone yells at me, I am calm. And it takes... a long time to get to that. So I'm really, really freaking happy that it's as it should be.





I felt like a bit of a failure as a Buddhist, because of my illness. I know that it's the illness telling me that. Haha. I'm making a new goal on Monday at the clinic - putting more time into my beliefs.



I think it will help me mentally heal, long after I am out of this house.

I'm... fairly glad I've come to the place where I can rationally think other situations through. I may not have my illness under control, but other things... yes.



I feel an extremely large amount of pity and compassion for the person who just personally attacked me over a rating. I live with enough abuse as it is. The fact that I am in an abusive living situation should not, nor do I expect it to, change what the person said - because you should never abuse anyone - for any reason.

I feel... amazingly beatific. I'm... feeling an overwhelming compassion right now, in that... THAT is how they handle things.

I am exceedingly proud of myself.



I have had a really good, relaxing night - I tried to make the absolute most out of it, and I think I succeeded.

Hopefully tomorrow will be equally as lovely as this evening was.

I am pretty fucking swell right now. I had a really bad morning - felt like complete crap and was scared I was going to relapse so hard, but I stuck it out and... I am well now. Really fucking well.

I walked around two malls for hours, and it took me hours, but I did it - I got food I hadn't had before and got it home and cooked it, and ate it. I didn't eat it all at once - I was good and I portioned it off and saved some for tomorrow.

It was amazingly good.

I tried a new flavour of couscous - roasted veg.

I also tried "vegetarian chicken tenders" for the first time ever - they're really, really nice soy bites that are textured and taste like 'roast chicken'.

I had half the couscous and one "faux tender", with a small potato that I cubed, seasoned and roasted, all mixed in with rocket leaves, peas and baby beetroots.

It was... something I'd pay a lot of money to eat, and it cost me less than $5 a serve.

I'll be making that again.

... maybe even once a week. It was good.



My birthday present from my boyfriend arrived - a gorgeous 1st edition of one of my favourite books.



I got a new shirt, discovered I am a size smaller yet again, and I got new boots.

I am alone for most of the night, and thrilled.



Also...



I GOT THE HIGHEST MARK POSSIBLE FOR A SPEECH I GAVE. I had to give a speech to my class on Tuesday - I got the absolute highest mark possible.



Now I'm going to shower, blowdry my hair so I don't get cold, fill my hot water bottle and either play Skyrim or watch Netflix.

I'm not sure if I hate clinic or if my illness hates clinic. I kept it together today, and I am not feeling too bad - other than the chest pain and headaches... which have become sadly normal.

I have class in 50 minutes - the bus is late. Ugh.

I haven't structured my presentation.

It is so warm in the clinic. I am... more relaxed. I feel wonderfully warm, and it was terribly cold outside.



I feel like I am still covered in ECG patches.

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NeverMind
00:46 Jul 28 2015

I hope the feeling of dread is gone and replaced with feelings of productivity and like...it's working, you know?

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Clinic today as well as yesterday. I am blessed. Haha... hahahahah... hahaha...

I should be grateful, but I feel dread.

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Lilithmae
23:33 Jul 27 2015

Let me know how it goes :)

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I tried to comment in a journal about diet and exercise and lot it completely.



It was a fucking rough day, today.



"I read a thing about Anorexia Nervosa the other day that said that it was mainly "diets gone wrong" and "not a disease or a psychiatric condition" - I have never tried to diet in my life. I set out to change my eating and exercise for the better - make permanent life changes - and I did. And I managed to develop the disorder, when my eating and exercise was the best it had ever been in my life. I was happy and carefree, and I still got sick.

Like... not many people starve themselves as a form of "dieting" - it's a freaking psychosis where you convince yourself you're not good enough, not thin enough, not "enough" in general - and you starve yourself as a result.

Someone made a comment to me - "It takes a lot of strength to do that" in relation to chewing up and spitting food out - ... it takes a fuckton of strength to starve yourself. It takes so much willpower, willpower which is supplied by the psychosis - the psychosis that leads to one in every 10 patients dying."



See? I lost it a bit.



Since being diagnosed... two weeks ago? I have been a mess. I have had so many tests, people are watching me like a hawk, and I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.

Which reminds me... I have to start meditating again.

Atypical AN. That is the official line. I find it extremely reassuring, to be honest. I am so happy to have an official reason. Today was my first day at the clinic, and it was actually harder than I thought it would be - but I did it. I am happy with myself.

I was at the clinic for aboooout 5 hours, I then raced off for a doctor appointment, got more blood tests, talked with a specialist for a bit... good lord.

All up, I have seen two doctors, one RN and 4 specialists... today. That is just today.

To be fair I also saw a case manager, too.



Jesus.

I think I will be successful in this line of treatment. On my own, I tried to get better myself, and it was... well, it was getting progressively worse. It took me only a week to replase into old behaviours and each time I relapsed, it was for longer periods of time, and it was worse each relapse.



At the moment I am thrilled that I am in treatment. In a couple of hours or a couple of days, I may not be so happy. I know it will be hard. But I am hoping it will be okay.

I am setting myself small goals. I am trying to stay open-minded.

I am... hopeful.

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Lilithmae
08:50 Jul 24 2015

Sooo proud of you,

All of CF are behind you 100%.

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Probably shouldn't have done that, but... I'm sick, and I am tired of seeing stuff like that.

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Lilithmae
19:49 Jul 22 2015

I completely agree with what you did, i thought pretty much the same thing.

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NeverMind
21:41 Jul 22 2015

I stand by you and your words one hundred percent. As I said in cf, if someone is going to do something like that, they have to expect negative reactions. You did nothing wrong.

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Two weeks until my birthday. I'm excited. I am... excited, like a small child. Haha!

I start treatment for AN on Friday. I was officially listed as AN on Monday. Right now it is Wednesday night. When I wake up tomorrow... I will probably be a mess.



I willingly signed away some of my human and medical rights, today. It's possibly one of the most mature things I have ever done - it's in the top 3, and I don't even know what the "list of mature things" has on it, other than "signing away rights as a person for potentially forceful treatment".



I found out they accepted me only an hour ago. I've already cried and been ecstatic.

I need it. I don't want it. I told them that - that my AN is so strong, and it's getting stronger. I told them that it's likely that if they couldn't get me in this month, I wouldn't come back, because my AN would be that much stronger. I told them that I'd probably be underweight by then, and intubated. I told them... I know myself and my illness well enough to know that it would happen. I said that it's gotten to the point where I think others being forceful is the only thing that will help me, because I have very little will to force myself now. I do, but it is getting so hard.



They accepted me.

I'm both thrilled and furious about it - thrilled that I may get better, furious that I... well, the sick part of myself is furious.

In an hour it will be three weeks until my birthday. I am excited. I am attempting to remain modest. Heh. I am excited for presents and just for the fact that I have made it to my 22nd birthday.

I guess I am also excited because it means that there will be only 9 weeks until I move, when my birthday comes around. And that is thrilling. It will also mean I am halfway through my nightclasses, and that my math exam will be over.

It means I will be closer to enrolling into University-proper - I will be obtaining my goal, that thing I have been viciously chasing for two years now. The thing I have been fighting for, for so goddamn long, and the thing I did not expect to be able to attain - a motherfucking BA.

I will see my family when I move - and I have a... well, I have a chance at something that will make me extremely happy. If I finish this course and move home, if my boyfriend and I plan this correctly... I don't want to jinx it - but every day the thought makes me so excited, so happy, so blissfully, wonderfully, wondrously happy.

"I have had a bad day and I am fairly upset, I shall watch Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon! It is apparently a great movie, so I shall watch it and marvel in its amazingness."



I forgot that Eastern movies do not follow the same cliche lines as Western movies do.



Movie ends, and I was crying. Haha! Goddamnit, China, you tricked me again! It's bad enough that Japan gets me every time... but China, I had so much faith, you promised me that this one would be different... the ending wouldn't leave me a surprised wreck...



Sob.

Someone just said that "you may make friends at yoga". I dislike the assumption that because I am completely alone and friendless in this ridiculous city, I am somehow lonely or lacking. I talk to my parents and my boyfriend regularly, and the rest of my positive social interactions are from strangers - a smile from a checkout chick, people in my nightclasses, communities online. I hate the assumption that I am lonely - I miss my parents, and my siblings, and cannot wait to be back near them, but I am not feeling like I am the last person on the planet - nor do I desire to have BFFs who I will spill my guts to - my boyfriend is my best friend, and god damn, I love him so much.



I don't desire to... go out for lunch and gossip. I hate bitchy gossiping, and things like tabloid news is disgusting, I don't give a fuck about old school friends if they don't care enough to talk to me...

I am happy having loose relationships with people who are not already a friend, family or my beau.



I hate being told I have to enjoy the company of others more.

I have such a headache, but I don't want to sleep, but I know if I sleep now I can... be closer to eating a cup of cereal with a cup of yoghurt. Sigh. Yoghurt is one of the few things I continue to look forward to.

I am tired but too hot, maybe a cold drink will help settle me. I need to get more cold drinks on Monday.

I finally watched "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" - it's been on my "watch list" on Netflix for a while. It was essentially a promotion for juicing, but also a very quiet promotion for veganism, if not vegetarianism or pescatarianism. The guy ate nothing but raw juiced veg and fruit for nearly two months, and they constantly tout the benefits of eating very little (or no) animal products. They never mention the "vegan" or "vegetarian" word though - not once.

I found that for a weightloss doco, it was actually incredibly gentle.



I liked it. I liked the promotion of fruit and veg. I liked that it wasn't something that you had to "buy our products" or "buy our juicers", too.

It was... medically interesting. I wouldn't become a juicer (again... I was a couple of years ago), but it's interesting.