Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
11 entries this month
May be THE one!
03:55 Aug 31 2009
Times Read: 543
So I have been talking with a girl for many months now and we have decided that we are going to make it official and consider ourselves an item. We are dating in some semblance of the word. As well as we can with a along distance relationship. She accepts me for who I am and is willing to accept my faults and choices. She has not demanded any changes to my life and is looking to move to be with me. This makes me so happy that the English language does not have a word to describe how I feel. I think she might be the third girl in my life that I will be able to tell I'm in love with. Sadly with my issues from my past I can't just yet. I just don't feel that secure with myself. But we have talked about that and she accepts that and understands that. I think I may have found my Angel in disguise. This girl makes me happy throughout the day by just a thought of her. I feel that I have been blessed.
Oh Hell Yeah!
16:07 Aug 30 2009
Times Read: 548
So i get a voicemail from my buddy yesterday and I just have to call him back. There is no way I heard him right. Not with all the things going wrong in my life right now, I couldn't have heard him right.
He knows the owner of a casino that I have applications in at, and has talked to him. I have a job interview at 9am Sept 2nd. Oh hell yeah. I have dreamed of this job for about 6 years. More so over the past 6 months.
Yes it is $8.00 an hour plus tips. so it will be about $10.00 to $12.00 an hour for the first few months depending on which position I get. But they train you to become a dealer which pays more with the tips. Usual tips for dealers at the low level poker tables is a dollar a hand. There are 40 hands per hour, so I would be making the equvalent of $50.00 an hour! And anyone who knows me knows I LOVE POKER!!!
Adding to the f**king.
09:17 Aug 26 2009
Times Read: 558
So, I talked to my roommate in Cali for the room that I was given 30 days notice from. Well, turns out that the morning after texting me that notice the landlord moved a kid into my room. So... Looks like I don't have a place to stay once I do get out there.
I guess 30 days for some is 30 minutes for others.
Like my kismet says I wish I was getting some pleasure out of how much I'm getting F**ked!
OK WTF?
02:35 Aug 23 2009
Times Read: 577
Ok, so i get a text from the landlord to call her that we need to talk. So I call her and it goes to voice mail. I text her to let her know I called and if she would call me as I was driving and couldn't text.
Ok, I get a text 10 minutes later saying:
"I wish you were here to tlak in person but since you are not i am writing you to let you know that i am going to give you a 30 day notice from Manly. I appologize but I think it is for the best. I have paperwork for you at the house. I would have mailed it but since my last text to you, I didn't know where to send it. When you get back we can talk and figure out how you will finish off your last days... thx Ginger"
Oh Shit! I have $5.00 in my pocket and i am fighting with De Anza about my financial aid. Where am I going to live?
Friends, Who needs Enemies!
20:05 Aug 21 2009
Times Read: 585
So, I get woken by a text that the person that I was supposed to hang out with has things to do and is backing out. Ok, thats fine. if you';re busy its understandable. But to give you a little of the back history, there have been 4000 texts on my phone and more than 2/3 of those are with her.
This is the conversation from this afternoon:
Cant chill today. I'm sorry.
Ok, if time opens up let me know?
I don't think it will.
How does tomorrow look?
Its about the same.
Sun?
Okay, look, Ill tell you whan I'm free. You dont have to ask about every single day. I'm not trying to be mean but I'm leaving town on Wed. and I have a lot to do.
Well I'd really like to spend time with you before I leave. I leave next weekend.
Whose fault is that? I'm not the one up and leaving cause things aren't going my way. I mean thats so f**king cowardly.
ok. That was an ouch. I've got way too much to lose. Plus I cant afford it.
Then you shouldn't have come out here to begin with.
So I'm not supposed to visit friends if I cant afford to move in with them? Look I understand you are upset that I am leaving but I refuse to leave in a fight over it.
That's pretty damn presumptuous. I dont give a f**k. And I NEVER wanted you to move in with me.
I never said anything about moving in with you. I was talking about (my sis)
You say you cant afford it. You just had a job interview. Thats the worst cop out.
I didn't get the job either. They haven't called me back. And there's no way I can afford school.
Dude, nothing you say is going to change what I think. You are acting like a little punk bitch. I have no respect for that.
I'm not going to argue with you. Ill be back to visit and some time down the road might move back out here, But nows not the right time.
Good for you.
Look, I'll be honest here. I feel the reason you are lashing out at me right now is you are mad at me for leaving. But you said there can't be anything between us. I like you. But I have things to worry about too. I will keep in touch with you. We can visit eachother.
No. I'm lashing out at you because I tried to be nice and you annoy the f**k out of me. I do not give a shit, I really don't. I think you're an overberring, pompous, clingy poser bastard. Have a great day :)
Ok. I care for you too. And I wish things were different. Hugs.
I DONT CARE. you could look strait in my eyes. I don't give a shit.
Well, your too busy for that now aren't you.
And if you don't lose my number right now I will happily block it. GOOD you finally understand. I don't have a scrap of time for you. So sorry :)
Your choice. You calm down and decide to talk you have mine. Love you but not in love with you. Peace.
Not going to happen. Peace out, bitch boy.
Rose22:38 Aug 18 2009
Times Read: 599
Rose, I love you dearly but you treat me like shit. You only call when you need something. You chew me head off for texting you at 2:00 in the afternoon to invite you into the most personal part of my life.
You tell me that you care for me yet your actions don't live up to that. When I am but half a mile from your house but never invited. You talk about being busy and make excuses but if you really had feelings for me you would have had me over at least once in the past month, or joined me for the street fair since you were going anyway.I asked you to come and you said you were going the next day. Fine, so i say text me and we can meet up,I would be there anyway.
No call.
No text.
I am leaving. I still love you, that will not change, but i am done with the games.
You know about my past and issues of trusting others yet you have only done more to solidify those issues. I wish you the best and wont turn you away if you figure out what you have lost. But if you realize at some point down the way that the last words you ever said to me was to break my heart, you will have to find me for I will not be waiting for you.
I love you.
Good Bye
Freedom
07:38 Aug 14 2009
Times Read: 608
So, it official! I now am legal to drive a car! Yes call me strange, but I am 31 and have never gotten my Drivers License. I now have it and am free!
Well as free as having access to a car and gas money of course, But Free!
CA vs VA
08:26 Aug 13 2009
Times Read: 617
Si, I finally made a hard choice. I had to choose between going back to Cali and staying in Va. After I had mad the choice to stay in VA several things happened and I just cannot abide them. I sat and thought about the decision to stay last night and realized that I was putting myself into a really bad situation. My sis's ex is obsessed and my sis is kind of enabling it. Even when the ex does things that hurt other people she still goes back to her saying that even though they are no longer together they might be able to come out of this as friends. I am sorry. when the ex tries to physically attack a guest of my house there is no hope of being friends.
I have wanted to call the cops on the ex many times and the only reason I haven't is respecting my sis's wishes. I have seen the marks from the physical abuse, witnessed the legal definition of sexual assault. All of this in front of kids. The kids are 5 and 9. When the ex coerced my sis into a kiss after being told no several times, continually called me a bastard, and tried to physically attack me in the car the 9 year old was in the back seat. The ex called the cops on me to try to get me locked up as a way to get to my sis.
For my own safety and sanity I can't stay here in VA. All it takes is for the ex to say just the wrong things to the cops and they wont even investigate. They would just lock me up out here and throw away the key. I cannot live in constant fear of what this person will try next, and has proven that they are willing to use me as ammunition or a tool to try to get to her... It is just too unhealthy a situation for me to be in.
Job interview
04:16 Aug 12 2009
Times Read: 623
So, I had a job interview at Bojangles today and it went ok. They told me they were looking to hire me right away but had been told to cut their labor cost so they would get back to me. I am torn about the job still anyway. I have to chose between staying here in VA and starting over or staying in CA. In CA I have free college, a lot of friends, a place to call my own three lights from a casino and I love poker, my blood family, and I live with the woman I am completely in love with but cannot have.
In VA I have my friend that I adopted as my sister 20 years ago. and maybe a job. I'd have to pay for school again and they don't have the waiver program for fees. No casinos in the state. and the town I'm in is dead. There are 7 people in the bar right now and its11pm and right now I am staying 30 minutes drive from here. There aren't any real towns between.
Hate!
23:36 Aug 06 2009
Times Read: 636
I was with my sister running son errands and we ended up running into her ex. Well more like her ex drove by and saw the car and stopped. So that prompted us to have to go over to welcom her new neighbor and all the good stuff.
The back story is the July 4th issue that they broke up for. Which obviosly she will not accept because she introduced my sister as her girlfriend. I am mad at my sister for not correcting that right then and there or even after the fact. This gives this woman the idea that they are still together and she has some real posessiveness issues.
Well the whole time I sat there putting up with her disrespecting me and calling me a bastard and trying to blame all er problems in life on me. I sat there silent through all this.
Finnaly My sister told her that we needed to leave for the third time and told her to get out of the door of the car. Her ex asked her to get out of the car to giver her a kiss and kept pushing it when she said no to the point my sister finally let her kiss her on the cheek. This prompted the "Just because this bastard is here doesn't mean the we can't..." My sister cut her off and told her to get out of the car and that I wasn't the reason that she doesn't want to deal with her. It is how she behaves.
I finally spoke up and tole her " you notice I have been quiet the whole time. We don't have to like eachother but there is no need for the disrespect. She then tried to come across the car at me"Fuck you. You have no part in this. I'll fucking call 911." My sister just started to drive the car in revers and push her out of the car while I told her"ok, please do." I really wanted to let them know that this woman has a history of physically abusing my sister and that she forced herself onto her.
My sister is letting this woman get away with all this shit and has two kids to worry about. One of which was in the car at the time this happened.
Friends
20:48 Aug 05 2009
Times Read: 644
So, over the past few days I have been having issues with communicating with my friends. Things haven't been getting across to well and with my issues of being very intense and "clingy" it has been tough. I have pissed off one of my friends as she thought that I was using my issues from abuse in my past as an excuse to be the way I am. I don't use it as an excuse, only recognize that that is where it comes from so I can work to change the issue. I have lost one relationship with a girl I love due to my being so high maintenance. I still love her dearly and hope in the future she will take me back.
There is some point that friends need to accept you for who you are even though you have things to work through. I am working on things but it takes time. I have had to learn in months what you took years to develop. Give me a break.
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