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i drink

because if the rain

can get rid of chalk

a child drew,

i want to know

that when the whiskey

trickles down my throat

and passes my heart

it will clean the marks

you left there...

and i want to know

that the vodka

will take away

your name from my lungs

because at night

your name was the last

to leave my fragile lips...

She had been defeated by herself alone, and the sadness of it left a dark shadow in her heart. It further sapped her confidence and left her over more withdrawn, even more capable of suppressing her feelings. Like her roughened hands, her sensitivity was slowly being hardened, and she drew relief from the numbness creeping through her veins.

What a shame;

That a girl who once believed

in fairytales and magic

had to be struck with reality

with demons in her mind

and the fear of never being loved.

We meet people,

undress,

reveal, listen,

grab at

fresh anatomies.



We feel,

want, miss,

need,

crave, pardon,

and accept.

We love.



We fail.

We change.

We smile,

hug,

weep,

whatever it takes.



Fuck, eat, read,

run. Try to

explain it.

Try not to

think about it.

Breathe.



This is how it is.

Sometimes you have to run away so you can see who will run after you.



Sometimes you have to talk quieter just to see who is actually listening.



Sometimes you have to take a step back just to see who's still standing by your side.



Sometimes you have to make a wrong decision just to see who's there when it all falls into ruins.



Sometimes you have to let go of the one you love just to see if they love you enough to come back to you.

I am not depressed

I can still smile at pretty things

And laugh when jokes are funny

I can still talk to people

And enjoy nice days



But when I go inside

When I am alone

There is something broken

And I fall into a sadness so sweet

That it engulfs me

I look into the mirror

And I don't like what I see

And the tears always fall

When I'm about to fall asleep

And I miss something,

That doesn't seem to exist.



I am not depressed.

I've just been sad for awhile

And I still am

But i can still find the light

I can still smile

there is something beautiful

about the way

the sun dies every night

to let the moon and stars

shine in the night sky



the way the ocean waves

come back to kiss the shoreline

each time it sends them away



the way snow will inevitably melt

to reveal the flowers which bloom

despite winter's harsh chill



and i wish i could say

i was beautiful too

but each time i am sent away

i am not like the sun

nor the ocean waves or flowers



each time i am sent away

i fail to return



and just like the sun

i will one day f a d e a w a y.....

Have you ever loved someone so deeply?

Have you ever looked into their eyes and seen their heart?

Have you ever wished to just hold them, not utter a word, and find them in this silence?

Have you ever thrilled at the possibility of losing them?

Have you ever found the life with them?

Have you noticed the sparkling stars with them?

Have you utterly felt nothing without them?



I have.



I never knew what love was until you came into my life.

I never knew what real heartbreak was until you broke mine.

I never knew I could cry this much til you made me sad.

I guess I never really knew much about love...

But now that I do I have things to say to you;



I don't want to hurt anymore.

I don't want to cry.

I don't want to think I'm going to die.

So to all the pain you have placed inside me,

Take it all back!

So that I may be once again free!

When I was younger

I knew no name

Calling softly to my mother

Who was too far gone to even hear me

I reached across

What seemed like the Great Plains

Desperately trying to reach

The woman I hardly knew

Who barely gave me a fleeting thought

Wistfully throwing me aside

In pursuit of more fascinating pleasures



I'd fall to the floor

Weeping for some compassion, some acknowledgment

And my voice rang out

To the skies and the heavens

As the sound of a crashing bottle

Shattered my hopes, my dreams, my livelihood

Resounding loudly and overpowering my silence

And it wrecked everything



A miserable fate

Caused no turning point other than disaster

Twisting my thoughts and my trials

Into a grotesque version of someone I did not recognize



As I slowly turned to dust

Lifted up by a chilly apathetic breeze

I reached out to pick up the broken pieces

Of not only the shattered bottle

But my childhood too

Smashed so shamelessly and unwittingly by my mother



I called out once more, out of habit more than anything

Knowing fully well that she would not care to hear me.

Sadness is a ghost

A lingering spirit never to leave.

Hanging around your whole body

Swallowing you whole just like when

At night, you let the pitch black air cover you in a blanket

So you can dream about how you wish things were

How things could have been

And when you wake up, it just makes your illness that much worse.



Sadness is a way if life

A disease spread by just a simple look

Or a conversation

Or when you notice someone's secret tears

It eats away at you

Until you're in pieces

Shattered in the dark

And you're digging around in the past

Trying to put yourself back together

But the infection is already in your veins

And no matter the time that goes by

It's incurable

And it never ever leaves



Sadness is your lost memories

Distracted and confused

You miss the good times

And you can't get them back

Sadness is the necklace Mama gave you

That fell off and is now lost

Carrying with it a sort of medicine

Temporary, but numbed your disease

And now it's gone

Like the snowman you made with Daddy

That melted away on the approach of spring

And with the liquid snow came your remembrance

Of Daddy's deep chuckle when the deer ate its apple eyes

And his hands on yours helping to form its body



Yes, memories melt away just like that snowman

And yes, memories fall off just like your necklace

But the sadness forever remains