My Birthday / About Me19:09 Sep 03 2013
Times Read: 449
Bloody hell. To spend over an hour writing an entry, only to have it give you an error and eat the content. Irritating, to say the least. I suppose that will teach me to start writing entries as text files first, and then copy/pasting them into the blog. Ah well, here we go again.
This will be broken into a couple sections, for differing topics.
First up, I will be turning 30 this upcoming Sunday. I can't really believe it myself. I don't feel 30. I feel like I'm only 18 or 19. Though I've got a friend who tells me the way I talk makes me come across as someone older than their years.
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Now to the about me section. I live on a farm in Virginia. I have lived here all my life.
In my early years, I thought of myself as a Christian. Everyone in the area is, and despite never going to church on Sunday, or really reading the bible, that is what I believed. It was primarily an attitude of, well since everyone else around here is, I am as well...right?
It wasn't until my 20s that I began to realize that I can't really tolerate Christanity. Not that I don't believe in your right to be a Christian, should a Christian be reading this. But rather, I don't believe you have a right to dictate the rules for the rest of us. I don't believe you have a right to say I cannot marry a like-gender, if I were gay, nor do you have the right to harass or pressure me into joining up.
I was fairly confused about myself in the 20s. It didn't help that my friends were all saying stuff about me. Predominantly I was told that while my body was male, my body seemed more like that of a female. This led me to think that maybe I was transgendered. That I was a mistake, and should have been born a girl instead of a boy.
One friend used to say that I had a goth mind. This came about when I undertook an exercise, where I wrote out characters for my friends. I created the character from instinct, and I guess I based it on the person. Though I don't believe I actually spent a lot of time thinking about them as I wrote it. Though they all seemed to love the characters I made for them.
The girl who labeled me as an inner goth, was into girls, and she just loved the character I created. Granted, my total experience with "goth" things to this point in time was seeing them on movies or tv, and believing them to be the kids that dressed up all in black and listened to gloomy stuff. But she swore I was goth.
So, needless to say confusion ran rampant in me. I thought for a time I suffered from split personalities, given that all the things I like, seem to run contrary to one another. If I liked one thing, traditionally you wouldn't expect me to like this other thing, but perversely, I do.
It didn't really make sense until an episode of Bones one night a few years ago. Bones was talking about "the artistic temperament", and the things she was listing as traits of that, all seemed to fit me. So off to Google I hopped, and found a couple pages about personalities and the artistic temperament. It was only a short moment before I leapfrogged the page on temperament, and instead began to read about artistic genius.
To me, it seems very much like the things they spoke of in the article reflected who I am. It explained so much about me, where other things never seem to fully work in that manor.
The one specific thing I took from the article, was the concept of a dual being. Not a split personality, but one that can encompass a duality of things, that normally do not fit well together.
Thus Emil Ludwig can write of Goethe with full justice:
His existence was one long self-contradiction. He was sensual and transcendental, amoral and Spinozaistic, all egotism and all selfsurrender, now delighting in companionship, now imperious in his demand for solitude; today religiously, tomorrow cynically, inclined; misanthropic, philanthropic, arrogant and kindly, patient and impatient, sentimental and pornographic, absorbed in form or intent on act, untamed and pedantic, a far-reaching thinker, but an instinctive doer, coldly objective, yet essentially and passionately erratic, entirely masculine yet very feminine--a dual being, if ever there was one...
While some of those do not apply to me, as they would the character listed, others very much fit who I am. The friends saying I was male with a female mind, being a thinker, yet instinctive, patient and impatient, needing companionship but also solitude.
The second quote seems to point more towards my likes and dislikes, and why they oppose one another.
But this storming, torrential life of genius does not mean a dual personality, a personality split into two alternating, opposing selfs, a sort of Jekyll and Hyde existence, but rather a richly complex personality of which the ingredients are gathered together from the exhaustless variety of human experience. The personality of genius is an epitome of mankind. As it swings between the crest and trough of the wave of life it passes through the center of being of every sort and condition of human existence. Genius is not two-sided nor manysided, but an all-sided, all-inclusive being, a complex of mankind, a ray of light having within its being all the hues and tints of human experience, a rich tone composed of all the overtones of human emotion.
It might not be a perfect explanation of me, but I think it's pretty close to being correct.
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This next section deals with another page I found while on my Google search. This one has to do with personality types and traits. In the system listed on the page, your dominant type has the most traits, while you also have a number of lesser types that offer a supporting role.
My dominant type is
Artistic, due to having the most traits listed.
Mood Swings
Shifts from a moderately upbeat, outgoing, creative character to a withdrawn and sullen, depressive one. When in a high state they can be highly productive, original, humorous, and engaging. During a low state they become self-absorbed, pessimistic, apathetic, and may resort to substance abuse.
Artistic Inclination
May go into a state of inspiration where artistic production is strong, then fall into an apathetic daze, where it becomes difficult, almost unbearable to create art.
Unpredictability
They may take up new plans, jobs, residences, etc, out of impulse. They despise routine and love improvising, stimulation, and new experiences.
Feeling-Oriented
Their impulses and feelings control their lives and dictate their appearance and decisions. They rarely make decisions through a systematic, logical follow-through approach, but instead base it on their current mood.
Relationship Difficulties
They may become promiscuous, unfaithful, or difficult to handle.
Low Self-Control
They have a difficulty saying no to themselves with their appetite. They may go on shopping sprees, binge on food or drink, give in to sexual compulsions, etc. Afterwards they may feel guilty about it and restrict themselves from pleasure.
Shaky Self-Confidence
Can swing from delusions of grandeur and superiority, and feeling very confident in oneself, to a loss of self-esteem and hopeless despair.
The next few are also for Artistic, however they are different interpretations done by a different writer.
Mood Swings - They tend to experience a greater range of emotion. Highly emotionally reactive.
Independant Work - They tend to spend a great deal of their time alone.
Great Productivity - Gifted with superior powers of concentration, capable of producing great quantities of work, also enjoy frequent periods of recreation and inactivity.
Disinhibition - They are hedonistic and impulsive.
Keen Perceptions - They are more keen to color, line, texture, shading, touch, motion, seeing, and hearing in harmony.
Now on to the minor types. I believe these support the ones listed above, and can augment them at times.
Adventurous
Nonconformity - Live by their own internal code of values. Not strongly influenced by other people or the norms of society.
Persuasiveness - They are silver-tongued, gifted in the gentle art of winning friends and influencing people.
Wild Oats - Usually high-spirited hell-raisers and mischief makers.
Dramatic
Feelings - they live in an emotional world, they are sensation oriented, emotionally demonstrative, and physically affectionate.
Color - They have rich imaginations, tell entertaining stories, and are drawn to romance and melodrama.
Sexual Attraction - Enjoy their sexuality. They are seductive, engaging, charming tempters, and temptresses.
Engagement - Easily putting their trust in others, they are able to become quickly involved in relationships.
Idiosyncratic
Inner Life - Tuned into and sustained by their own feelings and belief systems, whether or not others accept or understand.
Own Thing - Oblivious to convention, they create interesting, unusual, often eccentric lifeforbiddens.
Expanded Reality - Open to anything, they are interested in the occult, the extra sensory, and the supernatural.
Inventive
Attention - Tendency to behave in such a way as to attract attention.
Intelligence - Put great stock in their ideas and demand that others do likewise.
Competence - Has faith in their ability to improvise something, and displays an unusual talent for rising to the expediency of a situation.
Innovation - Most reluctant to do things in a particular way, just because that is the way things have always been done.
Cleverness - Mentally bright and quick-witted. To be taken in or manipulated by another is humiliating.
Mercurial
Heart - Show what they feel, they are emotionally active and reactive.
Open Mind - They are imaginative and curious, willing to experience and experiment.
Alternate States - Skilled at distancing or distracting themselves from reality when it is painful or harsh.
So, if you have read this far, congratulations on your persistence. From the list above you can probably already tell I'm something of an emotional volcano, since so many of my types lend me an emotional trait. While I could probably get some medication to balance this out, my concern is that if I do that, it will negatively influence the other traits that lend me my talent for writing. It's not something I wish to pursue.
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I have always loved fantasy. So it was only natural I got into magic, and from there the occult. There are definitely some strange aspects to my life. One of those being a sometimes ability to glimpse the future.
This might sound strange to some. Hell it sounds crazy to me. But I believe it without a certainty. From time to time, a thought will come to me about something happening, usually in the near future. And it has come true enough times that I can't really label it as a coincidence. If it truly is a coincidence, it's a helluva thing.
So I'm left with uncertainty about it. Is it a supernatural gift, something that could possibly be trained into something more? Or is it just my own imagination and intelligence, working through my subconscious, to analyze and make a prediction of the likeliest event based on existing conditions. I can't really say one way or another. I can't seem to control or trigger it at will. It just pops up randomly from time to time.
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For this last section, I want to talk about a special tie to the moon I have. I started noticing this about 5 years ago. Since it happened on a semi-regular basis, and often it was present and I didn't even know the moon phase was in evidence, until checking my calendar.
At first, people I knew (of the sort that wouldn't really visit a site like this), jokingly referred to me as a werewolf. Simply because of it happening during the full moon. Often during that time, I find myself becomingly highly aroused, or charged with sexual energy. To put it simply, I just want to fuck. And fuck. And fuck myself senseless. Some of the older ladies I was friends with at the time just attributed it to my being young. But to me, it seemed like just too much, even for a young buck.
Usually this only happened at the full moon, it took a few years for things to "evolve", so to speak. The next tie came during the new moon. I found a taste for blood, and pain. Which seemed fitting, given the darkness of the new moon.
On the outside looking in, this probably comes across as pretty strange, or possibly as something from a book, rather than real life. Sitting here writing about it, even I think it sounds crazy. But it does happen to me. Not every month, by any means. And I have yet to develop any traits during the quarter-moons each month. Unless those desires are more subtle and I simply haven't realized they are there yet.
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Anyway, there is my entry. If you think I'm a big barrel of crazy, you are probably right. But it sure as hell is a fun ride.
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