healing the break - Journal Entry #323:18 Sep 22 2017
Times Read: 137
As anyone who's following my journal, will know I am a kind and caring sensitive man prone to frequent bouts of heartbreak, not just at the hands of ex girlfriends, but friends who betray me, the result, heartbreak, I suppose that's why I have trouble trusting people, and yet, I still let "them" in, the result well, yes you guessed it, let me briefly tell you about my ex, Julie, as a child I was never really taught what love was, the live between 2 people who "loved" each other, I don't blame my mother for this, she was a single mother in the 1980s, she was trying to build a life for herself and her son after her husband ( my father) tried to murder us, so we left my father and moved into a caravan site, and lived in a horrible cramped, damp ridden shell of a home, the 1980s was a very difficult period in time, high unemployment, a flawed benefit system and social and political unrest, so my mother had 2 or 3 jobs as my father provided no support for us, she was the only woman I knew that did worse out of a divorce, we had no back up from her parents as they didn't seem to like us, most nights I would hear my mother crying in her bedroom.
So with my mother working 2 or 3 jobs I was left on my own a lot and I was known as an"latch key kid" often I spent many hours on my own, waiting for my mother to return, we were isolated in this caravan park, with Berely enough money to eat, a very sad time, but I will go more into the sadness of my childhood another time, so, with my mother being a single parent and being very very busy, I grew emotionally stunted, because I just didn't understand what love is or was, I don't blame my mother in the slightest, even at the age of 8 or 9 I understood she did her very best for us, but unfortunately I was never taught what the "love between mummies and daddies" was about.
To a more recent time, I met Julie, and something happened to me I had never felt before, I believe she lit a spark in me that was love, I had never felt it before in 40 odd years, for for the first time I was in love or at least started getting an idea of what it was, I wanted to be with this woman forever, my first love at the age of 40.
And I destroyed it, with infidelity, the worst mistake of my life and now loosing my first love at my age isn't an easy thing, and the heartbreak has been unbearable, but miraculously I seem to be recovering now, despite the faults in our relationship, there were many including lack of communication, stubbornness and pride on both our parts, she has gone, it would seem she unfortunately had moved on six months before I knew the relationship had ended, I was working to the ideal of starting a new life together in London together, but now I go alone.
The pain of loosing my first love is now subsiding thankfully.
But do I want to experience this pain again?
To be honest, I don't think I want to.
Next entry I will tell you about the loving caring gentle man my father was.
COMMENTS
-