The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

September 24, 2007 - Monday



All Dried Up And Dead To The World....



Yesterday, I got so old, I felt like I could die. I evaluate the the geological line of men in my family, and I notice how many alcoholics and violent people there are. My great grand father on my mother's side was an abusive drunk that beat his wife and his children. He was also the grand dragon of the Ku Klux Klan, in his distict. "Burn nigra burn!" My grandfather on my mother's side was the same way, yet he was even more violent. He beat my grandmother, molested my mother, beat all of his children, and died of alcohol My grandfather on my Dad's side was a World War II and Korean war veteran. He saw so many violent things that he blamed himself for, yet his solution was his liquer. He really wazs a good man, and I admire him in so many ways. He was compassionate, helpful, and a good influence on others. Yet, it was his own pain that smothered him to his death, when he too, died of alcohol. I've noticed my high tolerence for alcohol, that comes nofrom my Irish heritage, and I've seen how violent I can be, when I drink too much. I don't really do drugs anymore, so alcohol seems to be my new addiction. It appears as though, I'm going to be a free person now, since what meant most to me died, on an argumentative Sunday, that got out of control with built tension, disappointment, doubt, loss of interest....and perhaps even fading love. Life is so much simpler when you live for yourself, you don't have to live up to anyone else's standards but your own, and you're in control of your own life. I always valued complexities, though. It gave me purpose, strive, and the will to be better than what am...which really isn't much....I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and there's only avery slim chance to get it back. I respect her for the most honest insult you can tell a man, but it's true, and I needed to hear it. If your fiance is the one that initiates the break up, and tells you that she can't be aroused by you....it's pretty much over for a guy, unless a miracle can take place. lol I think about all of the blogs that I've written about her, every goddamn time I thought about her, and the delusions that I created, thinking that I could really make a relationship last. I've already had offers for dates and fuck toys....but I'm never going to be in another serious relationship. I'm finished with things that can't be permanant. I value my independence. I'm going to work out more, I'm going to save enough money to get my wreck of a life sorted out....all by my fucking self...I just hate how self help only goes so far. I never cry...ut today, I just couldn't hold it in. I was really crushed today, and I will never be fully happy again. That's who I am, and that's how I will live. I seem to be more inspirational as a friend, and helping others, but I doubt I will ever be able to help myself in fullness, and that's something I'm going to have to accept. Maybe my experiences with love will tap into more emotions that will inspire me to be a great writer one day...for the first time in my life, I just feel so lost...and there is not a goddamn thing that I can do about it. I will reap what I sew, and I deserve what I get.

September 13, 2007 - Thursday





Everyday Sickness...

Current mood: discontent



Do you ever wake up on a random week day mornings, with a series of life questions on a flurry through your mind that make you feel like you're nothing more than a disappointment,, and wonder if reality is really worth waking to? "Where am I really going in life?" "What am I really doing here?" "What am I doing wrong?" These are common questions that I am certain that the vast majority of the world's populous question individually. when their existance seems inherently insignificant. In my case, it can be a bit different scenario, because I barely ever get any sleep. Throughout the day, I sit at work, wondering what I could do with my life to improve it, and depressingly acknowledge that I could lose everything that I have in less than an instant, and go from a hard working individual, who is considered to have a lot of potential to succeed in life, to a heap of scum, and a poster loser for what you do not want to become in life. In my case, I'm a inbound telemarketer, and I'm fairly good at my job. I'm beginning to dress up every day, and do the best I possible can at my job, because I'm success driven. I have everthing to gain, yet I have a lot to lose. It isn't necessarily being a telemarketer, it's presenting yourself as a salesman, and studying how your twenty-five your old counter parts moved their way through the ranks in this sink or swim society, and succeeded as great corporate asshole. Sales is a grueling profession. When you do well at your job, people notice your mistakes a lot easier. In telemarketing, if you screw up on one bad phone call that you can't save, there's a great chance that you could find yourself in the unemployment line, or reading the classifieds the next morning. Recently, I've been having to deal with retards that don't kno their names, birthdays, or can't even read. Therefore, I an forced to labor for their lack of work ethic for the pay checks that they do not deserve, and I am supposed to know everything that their incompetent minds refuse to learn. I get tired of dealing with lazy rejects that hang their hopes and complaints on the ones that are willing to take responibility for their own lives, and are punished, forcefully having to take responsibility for others' lives, or they could lose their own. I'm beginning to see how dick head managers are made, working their way to the top with hard work and ambition, yet being an arrogant asshole, once they attain the position their in, knowing that they can fire the ones that are a bit slow, or refuse to work. Your main loyalty is to yourself, and your company. If it isn't, all you've worked for is gone, and the ones you think that you love, potentially think a lot less of you, dispite all of the sacrifices you make that take you years to achieve, and a moment to ruin. Along with laboring in the corporate world, I pursue my education, that I struggle to pay for, yet know that I am nothing without. I hope to be a successful Journalist and Writer, yet if I do not survive the unnecessary courses that are placed before me, and completely irrelevant to my interest, I cannot do the things that I desire to do. If I lose my income, I cannot pursue my education, and all that I am lyes desolate. I look around at most of society....especially my associates, and realize how thankful I am to even have a job, and be going to college...and a great portion of them can't even succeed in economic 101, getting a job, because of their life styles. I came from that life style, and know what it's like to have nothing. I earned everything that I currently have, by adjusting my attitude towards other people, knowing my own fallacies, and realizing that Iif I want success, no one is going to get me there, but myself. Now that I have a bit of success in my life, everyone wants help or money from me, that I can't really afford to give them. A lot of them could care a less about me, if it wasn't for my possessions. They can go fuck themselves.....I then turn again, realizing what I don't have....I do not have a satisfactory amount of possessions in my life to take care of my fiance, at the moment. I'm twenty-one years old. I'm trying my best to get a decent car, and I still live with my parents. I look at my fiance and her family. She's a much better person than I am. Her sister is twent-nine years old, with four managable children, happily married, with a nice house, and more things than they really need. Everyone in her family has decent cars, a degree in something, an honorable profession, and a nice house. This means I have to set higher standards for myself. I want to give her all of those things. I never grew up in a situation, where I knew that I would automatically have those things when I was older. I have to earn every single thing that I have, with the possibility of losing it all with one error. I'm surprised we've lasted for nearly a year....why she has so much faith in me, I really don't understand....but we are headed in the right direction, as I stand in this very moment. I do know that if there isn't success in my life, I've failed. Working class will never be good enough for me...My mind is entangled in a litugical blur, and am unable to articulate a good conclusion, because my friends wanting to spend time with me keep interupting my thought pattern...I just wish that my doubts would end, and that my pursuit for a better life would be more certain...

September 5, 2007 - Wednesday



Ten Months...If It Was Over....





I fell asleep on the devan in my living room in my dark house that my parents forgot to pay the electric bill for, this month. It 1:17am, according to my cell phone, that I had to charge at the library, and am doing right now lol I dozed into a lucid state, in thought of my fiance, Riley, just as every second of the day. The time period was set a few years from today. We had separated from each other, due to loss of interest in each other, and the bitch of life that defined our priorities of labor and academics, rather than to each other. It cut in the way of accomplishing our goals of having our own place to stay and seeing each other whenever we wish. It faded away like the sun shine on the beach when a hurricane brews. We were officially over. She gave me back my ring, we embraced our last, and I never had the time to speak with her since I saw her again.



A few years later, I was still in college, doing online Journalism, I was more business and self-oriented, I still had a lot of friends, but I had been a depressed acoholic, done with women, and not looking for a relationship of any kind. One weekend, a close college friend that I knew, wanted to set me up on a blind date with a girl that I knew, because she thought that it would be good for my mental stability to try dating a bit, since I was allegedly too caught up in my work and education. It was the only escape that I had to suffice the lack of purpose that I felt in life. Reluctantly, I agreed to it. It was very peculiar, because this blind date was nowhere with a high class atmosphere, that I'm used to blowing my money one every weekend. lol It was at Whataburger. lol Immediately, I thought about Riley, because that's where we go often at night, when we're nearly broke, and there's nothing else open. I attended the "date" that night at around 3am....no one else was there...and at 3:13am, Riley's apple red flaming hair enters through the doors...along with Riley, ofcourse. lol...Shelooked stunning. She was thinner, she was awake, like she was actually looking forward to this date. lol Here was Riley. She had her own place and a new Chevelle, that she was dying, paying payments one. For whatever reason, I do not fully understand. She still worked at target though, with significant pay raises, and she had been with shitty guys, since we had departed. We stared into each other like zombies....like demons that we tried to box up in the past had returned. Without going into dire elaboration...the night was about finding a certain ammount of completion that we had lacked, since we had not been together. At first we talked about the great things that were going on in our lives, and thie improvement of our financial and social status. It was a pretention of how you'd see an old friend, to give them closure, and to hang out be buddies for a cup of coffee every once in a while. As the night progressed, the shiness faded, and we began to be more open to each other We revealed various bad experiences that we had in the sack with others, which she seemed to laugh at, and internally hide her jealousy, much better thatn I did. My eyes turned red, like I wanted to kill someone, when she told be about an experience with a black guy that she teases me off and on about. lol She then randomly describes the experience as being overrated, and she would never give up what we had together for it. My eyes widened, trying to ignore the emotions that thought about trying a relationship with her, one more time....It went deeper into the night, and we ended up on another trip down memory lane at Lake Grapevine, where we went on our first date...



I was really horny this time, like the rest of the twenty-three hours and fifty nine minutes that consume the day. So, I figured that casual sex was nothing personal...which was what I was having with other girls to pass time, when I was bored, and satisfy my hormones, as a supplement for the lack of affection that I tried desperately to convince myself that I didn't need. We were sitting on same rock, close to the waves of the lake, where I first kissed her. She was rambling about her life, and I mostly just pretended to listen, having too many other things conflict in my evasive mind. lol I unexpectedly leaned into kiss her...to her, anyway...and it was far different from what I had expected. It wasn't a casual friendship kiss, like you'd have with old girlfriends from the past that you'd call up to see on a lonely and boring night. It was a compassion that had been rediscovered. It was a void that was smothered with purpose, and a sence of confidence that I had not had in a long time. It was a full moon...every motion, fluency in thought, and stamina was alive in me. It was ecstasy, without having to pay for it. lol Riley was in tears, as if she had been living in a dream...gee I wonder, why...The next several hours until the morning, swimming nude, and embracing a great extra curricular activity on the beach, I could write a novel of....but it would be mostly appropriate to let the fantasy linger in the realm of mystery. After a series of circular tongue motion, I brought my left hand close toher cheek, which she knew that there was something small and round inside it. I opened my my hand and slid the engagement ring that I had given to her, when we were together, on the appropriate finger. She looked at me and smiled....the dream faded, and I awoke...



I told her the next day about where we were in life, when I had this dream, and she told me that her situation described in the dream seemed very similar to where her life was, before she had been with me...namely in reference to shitty guys. She then asked me if I really thought that out lives would really be that dark without each other It was only a dream, I had explained to her. Unfortunately, my dreams described have a decent accuracy rate for truth. I asked her if she really wanted to find out, and she had told me that she had never been happier, and separation was pretty much out of the question...I suppose we're stuck for a while. lol....



Throughout the past several months, I have had numerous offers from other ladies that have been interested in dating me, if Riley and I were ever to separate....which I doubt will ever happen, but if it really comes to that, and the bitch of life claws through the connection that we have established together...I WILL NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANY OTHER WOMAN. I never wanted to get married to begin with, or be in any sort of relationship that I would only feel was a strain or a tiresome set back on my life. I was drowning my life in drugs, and obsessed with death...then like an unexplainable miracle...Riley enters my life, and I found myself to what I wanted to deny and reject. I loved someone else. She makes me want to be a better man, daily, and not a second of the day goes by that I'm not thinking about her. She makes me want to love myself. SHe is my passion, and nothing will ever change that. If we do depart, my main escape will be a trivial pursuit with my tallents, and reaping wealth for myself to supplement for a spiritual loss, that will only be mentioned in written. I gave love one chance to enter my life, and success has prevailed, but a second chance will never come. With all of our complications, occasional lack of interest in each other, and tine to time uncertainty of my future, the only certainty that continues to dwell, that there is no other woman that I would rather be with, or will ever want to be with, that can replace the one that I have, now. I love you, angel....here's to the next ten months....