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October 8, 2007 - Monday





The End...

Current mood: discontent



God fucking damn, I hate to write blogs like this, but I suppose it's necessary to have closure to to the piece of shit that love brings. To begin with the positives, which I suppose should be the ending, I'm not going to drink my life away, do drugs, or go fuck a bitch with an STD. I apologize for my language, but I have a lot of spiritual sickness in me, at the moment. I'm looking forward to resolving all of my issues, and being a man, getting everything done for myself, as the goddamn, raggedy, ho bag, shit fucking, cock eating, cunt stretching, survived aborted bitch that life commands. I fucking need to move on, though. I can't fucking take all of this shit that I'm going through. My heat has been shredded to the point of non-existance, though it really isn't anyone's direct blame. I want to make it work, but I assure you, with what takes place everytime we try, it doesn't work. I was going to blog a song that I wrote for her, but I doubt that will appear anytime soon. I'd have to be in a happy mood for that. She wants happiness, and I want success. I cannot fully articuate what I am feeling right now, but if you were to leap into my thoughs and my heart, you would realize how comforting death can be. I've battled with death on many occasions with suicide, obsession with death, and drug over doses. This is far more excrutiationg....to lose what you thought, hoped, and tried to last forever. It's no one's direct fault, but I really thought it would work out in the end. I feel robbed, and spiritually raped. I will never be in another relationship. Love can be great, but all of the pain that comes with it, just isn't worth it. Especially when you have an abstract mind, and you deal with a depression that most can't fathm, every goddamn day.

October 2, 2007 - Tuesday





The Nature Of The Beast....



It may be difficult to articulate into words how I'm feeling at the moment, because I've over worked my body lifting weights, I've over worked myself at work, I'm being starved, because my debit card declined for some reason, and my severe headache is tapping into my epilepsy; as is my low self-esteem, and my inability to really know and explain this emotional illness that continues to stalk me. The beast is is the demon that penetrates your mind, heart, and esteemed consciousness. It consumes all of your negativity, your doubts, you continuing depression, your failures, uncertainties, your worries, your fallacies, and compresses them inward to silence you and forces you to bare all that you wish would diminish...Yet, I have no rightt to suffer this way....I'm in a great relationship with the woman that I love more than anything, and continues to get better. I'm in good standings with my job, and looking to get promoted, soon. I'm performing well acedemically in school, and in all aspects....dispite the fact that my lack of resources are on a tight string, and could collapse at any moment...I feel that I have a chance at a bright future. I feel like I'm dying, though....like my spirit is collapsing....Am I going through transformation pains?....Or is my spirit really fading away. I don't do drugs. I don't party and get trashed as much as I used to....In fact my life is growing to be quite...normal....It appears that I'm going to have a family, and make my future wife very happy, and be a very good father.....which I'm very proud of....but that seems about it. This personality change that I'm going through seems too much to bare for me. I always saw myself as being independent, possibly a famous writer, if I got my act together in school, and really started caring about my life, journalism....and really what I always wanted....to be inspirational to others, and to make a difference when I'm gone. I feel like settling down and being normal, isn't the path that I should be placed on. Am I holding myself back? Can there be any balance? I feel like I'm internally collapsing. I may be clinically or chronically depressed....and I know exactly what's wrong with me. It's just that there are so many aspects to articulate it...like a grandmother piecing together a jigsaw puzzle. I have turned to help in all ways. No loved one, nothing that I do, and no matter what I stive for can fully help me. I know that this is selfish, and may depress the ones that care for me the most, but curing what I have....I must do myself, for myself, and for the benefit of others. There is no one else but me, that can solve this. I've figured out things for myself, most of my life, and curing my depression will be my greatest challenge of all. The decisions that I make in this life, affect others, as well as myself. I really have no clue as to why...but people seem to look up to me....and I can solve others' problems, but I cannot fix my own.....perhaps mainly because I never learned to love myself, but my compassion for those I care for is great. I really need to focus on curing my own problems right now, to where it's managable, before everything that I am is fallen completely.