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Sunday, November 12, 2006



A Sovereign Progessive Match That Condemns Conformity

Current mood: optimistic



Pertaining these past few weeks, with my current girlfriend Riley, I could have never suspected that I would ever be in a relationship with her that would have grown to be this serious, that continues to expand. When I first began speaking with her online, we we already shared the same circle of friends, and had an instant interest in each other. Dispite our mental malice enraging at different levels. we both share an invested contempt for organized religion, based upon greuling experiences. Once again, induced on different levels, we share the same liberated expressions for intimate affection, and the free wills chosen with fornicating partners. At this, our identities depart in our difining characters. In generalization, she is a far more consevative figure than I am, or merely condemns the debauchery that I signify in abscence of our relationship. In appearance, she dresses with far more color than I do, and socializes in more of an annoying tone, than I care to hear in a common day. She has more interest in motor vehicles than I do, and seems to be more istute, with what my judgmental side would, at first appearance, cosider to be an ignorant, annoying prep, that has no outllok at life, beyon the box that theyisolate themselves in, and me being my proud figure, that has thrown a way my perceptive box of judgment, and finite thought, when by judgment of you, I have fell victim too. I am fortunate for your interest in art, which we both share common interest in. Yet, my passion, which happens to be literary arts, and writing, happens to be your passionate hatred, in accordance to your figurative expression. This is your current boyfriend, that never prepares for relationships, with the coutesy of not subjecting his significant other to the difiles of my disappointing and indulgent nature. In my past, I have been, regretfully a regular drug abuser, inwhich I have the ability to control, yet do not, when I feel that there is no significance in my life, and that is apart of the religious practice that keeps me alive. I have been an internal disaster, inwhich I have not revealed to the friends that I have the most compassion for. These include suicidal tendencies, and casual self-mutilation, which I have refused to dispose of. As well, the make up of most of my counterparts, share the same characteristics in making me feel more at ease in my life to surround myself with them, because their mental capacity is even far lesser than mine. I have a lot of aggression stowed inside me, that I use to protect my friends from, by tormenting myself in the process, and pretending to be an external passifist.My dark nature is very evident in my fequent expressions and spacing out that portrays the message that I am lost and internally dead in this life, looking forward to my ultimate state of non-existence to be brought upon by a sweeping fury that disposed of my meager life instantaneously to be taken away from this vagabond life, imposed without choice of existing, at a very early age. Furthermore, departing our untiformal copatibilty, is our thought and stance of a relationship. I am pro-choice, and do not condemn a mother to terminate a fetus by choice. I feel as if I would be doing the world a much deserving favor, if I chose not to deliver offspring, nor to commit to a significant other in a long lasting relationship. Yet, my dualistic nature, comprises another practice of my life, inwhich others seem to be intimately drawn to. I am a very understanding person, who does not turn his friends away in vain, and helps them to my most giving possibility for their surety that they are not alone in their fate,and that there is a gate for their wounds to heal. I am a very faithful person., and do not practice my common debaucheries, when I feel that my significant other's life is too important to expose them to suxcch practices. I feel as though I would be selfish into doing so. Dispite me having the nature to refute love, as finite and primitive to the independant practicing mind, I feel as though, with the right person, and under the right circumstances, such barriers could be broken, and the practice can work. When I first met you, I felt disappointed, because of our lack of communication with each other, and perhaps shyness that you had felt toewards me. I went to offer you a hug, and you seemed to be ncomfortable, as if, asking ,"what the fuck are you doing?" I perceived a failure, perhaps a continued friendship, no hard feelings, and the right for my life to move on. As we progressed in conversation, it stunned me, that after failed and falsely set up relationships that we would ever come to union with each other. Yet, our last two visits, and now, week long relationship, have humbled me to a petrifying, yet curious thought, as to where our relationship is going. I have remained securely faithful, and have abstained from my practice of drug use. For Christ sake, you met my parents! I never bring my relationships around my parents for well intentions. Yet with us, already planning a further future together, and my sidistic, yet edgy humor, as well as you numbing my depression, perhaps there is a glimmer of hope for a future. I do make a good impression on parents, which works to my advantage, and allows us more freedom in our intentions. I am not controlling, nor manipuilating, and I dispise violence, amnd will never be abusive to you. Please hold me to all of these words. Yet, I still feel like much of a loser that you are hauling me around in your vehicle, when I should have my own. Yes, I am going to college, as a Jounalist Major, and English Minor, yes, I am making money, and hope to get my own transportation, and move away from my home soon, but my conscience still feels that I am unworthy of you, yet inspires me to be a better man. I also know that you have told a companion of mine that you "lucked out," and don't "deserve me," whhich is stunning, and not worthy of feeling, but I will accedpt it, hysterically. I am glad that the second date went away from the mall, which saved it from being an utter failure, in my mind. I am also grateful that you care if I live, and don't want to see me run over. lol I am glad that you are enjoying the current place in our relationship, and I hope that it only getsa better, and it is allowed to continue as time progresses. I am not saying that "I love you," at the moment, because it is still too personal, and a scary emotion, perhaps even selfish that i could consider expressing at the moment. We have a difficult task ahead of us, school will be challenging and time consuming, yet I will still be with you in spirit, and I sincerely wish for our connection to be lasting through times that we can not see each other, as well as extracrricularly available, in use of the proper protection and consideration that does not bring us to decisions and practices that will bring us to regret. lol I've seen too many relationships that seemed to be a success story, crassh to a flame of failure. I sincerely wish and desire to work to see that ours will not falter the same delusional fate, and reap the bountiful success it may bring.



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