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Monday, May 28, 2007



The Memorial Day Mexican...and examination in a cureless gloom...

Current mood: exanimate





I was wandering the streets of Lewisville, early today, with my friend Trish, merely passing time, before I would go and see my fiance, later that day. I met her close to the library, and it was not soon afterwards, that we came across the town "Taco Head." "Taco Head" is an annoying homeless Mexican, whou is about five feet six, a haneaous mushdache, wears the same filth stenched, and perhaps stolen clothes every day, and insists to give others advice, about how to live in reality. Trish asked him for a cigerette, and he seeme offended, when I greeted him as "Taco," which is understandable. He refused, hastily, asking me what I was doing besides, "being stupid." I didn't acknowledge him after that, because I didn't see him as a threat, nevertheless, I didn't care to engage in conclict. Trish and I carried on with our day, in casual conversation, looking for someone to speak with, after failed attempts to congregate with our friends, Kevin or Felicia. We eventually ventured to her house, where she had not been for weeks, and had gone into to raid the refrigerator, and watch entertaining day time television, curious as to who was cheating on who, who was going to beat the hell out of a dead beat day, with it not being much of their consern....a lesbian affair between a wigger, who had cheated on her black girl friend with her mother...and ofcourse the ever enthrallment of Who be my daddy, and ismy nigga be cheatin' on me...after mentally consuming that magnificent line up, of television drama, Trish's mother had entered the house, telling Trish to leave because she didn't belong there...and the continuing bitching of her drinking, smoking, doing drugs, and ofcourse, ever most importantly...the evils of fornication. I felt like I had front row tickets at a live defocation day time talk show, that I could easily host. Both looked to me to take sides....and ofcourse, I would never sell out Trish, because she is one of my best friends, and she knows that I will always be there for her. In later events, I had left the house, wishing Trish well, and venturing the stormy day to visit my fiance, Riley...ofcourse....I love you, swettheart....if you ever read this. lol I came to break from the soaking rain, and dry up a bit at Autozone...more appropriately referred to as "Vottozone," being in a piss pool of the Mexican community....no offense to the few Mexicans that I'm actually friends with, I'm sure they understand. I once again, encountered Taco Head, smoking a cigerette, while sitting on the window sill. I attempted to engage in friendly conversation, regretably...and instantly he attacke me on my character, and acused me of judging his life ethics, based on his observed ignorance, as well as social and mental disfunction. Feel free to ask him if you ever see him in Lewisville. He's usually hitting on young high school girls around the high school, or within the Tom Thumb vicinity. He barely ever leaves main street, and highly doubt he can even spell the word "ignorance." He said that I looked like a kid, and asked me what I was doing, always hanging out with little kids....that range from ages eighteen to twenty-three....and his beat up and smoked out body, being twenty-one, reupusively resembles that of a thirty year old. According to him, I think that I'm a vampire, and need to get out of fantasy land, and need to grow up, and live in thew real world, or stay in Denton where I belong. All of this while asking for a dollar to be loaned to him from some random employee at Autozone. Evidently, he doesn't know me very well....yet acknowleged that I seem to be a "smarrt guy." I was contemplating, flattening his face, which would have brought much satisfaction to me, but perhaps would have gotten me into a lot of trouble....which is a highly probable event that could take place in the near future....



....However, in some way, a certain part of me knew that he was in SOME VERY SMALL WAY, right! I felt like a sincere piece of trash, standing in the rain, and being there by Vottozone..as if I was hypocritical, and no better than he was. Not much has matured about me, and I'm still living an internal gloom that I can never seem to conquer. Resorces are always low for me, my surrounding peers are always asking me to fix their pittiful problems, which I succeed in doing....but can never EVER fucking seem to straighten out what haunts me the most...the worthlessness that I often feel consumes my life....and the frequent fear of failure that I withhold. My depression is chronic and neve ceizes. Today, I was condemning everything in existance out of sheer envy of those who are prospering, handed wealth on a silver platter, and will never live to know the life of desperation. Why are my trials unending? Why does my life seem so meaningless? Why does life seem so meaningless? I'm not being a fucking spoiled Emo, that I always want to kill....but I have lived through very desperate and depressing times....I grew up in a very violent family....my mother and father always being on the verge of divorce...struggling desperately to pay rent for a two hundered dollar trailor, and being conserned about my suicidal father, running away to hide from the land lord, when he couldn'tpay rent. Ofcourse, I have also lived on the depressing edge of life, doing drugs, partying, drinking, anfd fucking every chance that I could get. Yet, I always valued education, and work ethic which always managed to give me hope and a future. I have always been a very good friend, to the best of my abilities, and most people enjoy my compassion, empathy, and company. My internal killing has always bben solitary, and the wish of death only on myself to exit this life, and be at peace....yet I cosider the selfishness of that would be to my friends, my family, and most importantly, my fiance, who needs and loves me, very much. These are the days that I wish that I could believe in a highder power, and have tried desperately too....yet have never known,or was shunned by the various thought groups or ideologies that I would no accept their cult-like dogmas word for word, and not think exactly as they do....I had finally gotten to see my fiance that evening...and latwer that night, when I tried to get a ride home from my parents, my father's phone always went straight to voice message....so apparently, my fiance, had to drive me home again, tonight....which she did, after I tried countless times to contact my parent, that i was very conserned about, and fortunate that they're alive, after waiting for seeing the lights pull into the drive way, just as I was leaving once again, and contemplating my methods of survival...which i don't care to ramble about at this time. I just hope her parents don't view me as a bum, after these events, and tell me I can't marry their daughter...which wouldn't stop me....but the most depressing position to be in, in life, is living at the brink of failure, or one sudden opening for possible success....I need to make a lot of adjustments in my life, if I am to survive it, and provide for my fiance, that I always fear losing. Just a few moments ago, I was informed that my fiance nearly got mugged in the Sonic parking lot, along with some othwer girl, looking for money, and possibly something else....I'm fortunate that no harm was done to her....and the bum who harassed her is fortunate that that I was not there with her, because I would have made his atempt a living hell, and perhaps have even taken his life, even if it meant sacrificing my own...

The Lonesome Grasping Strokes Of Spring...

Current mood: gloomy



I lean back, passively into the overly used indention on the right side of my room, that some may describe as a "bed." I glance over at the dim light to see that the large hand is nearly erected, straight up, at the stroke of twelve. The smaller hand is is arched ninety degrees to the left, pointing towards the the three. It is mid-week in the manic month of May, and I have not seen the one that I love for several days, nor does it appear that the lengthened schedule in time allowed of seeing each other will soon relieve its supression. The swelling routines of life insist to distance everything that the self-stitching heart, and the ever sickness enduring mind continues to value. My obsessions dwell me to a depraved boredom that my imgaination seeks to sieze the robberies of reality, desiring to escape into my wanining realm of fantasies that appear to be drying up after years of originality, and crossing into the endless rambles of reality. I cannot find a suitable dwelling place to exercize these favored fantasies, so I remove creative constructs, and reduce to instincts, to force an ammount of physical pleasure. I simply think to myself, of how much I wish that she could be in my physical preasance, so I could express my excessive instinctual manhood to her, while having the faluptuousness of her femininity, firmly in my grasp. Reality conjuring my fantasies interupts to achingly remind me that she is not in my preasance, and momentarily, this moment will come to pass, and she will still not be there at my side. This leads my struggle to a measure of anger, battling to make my fantasy, my reality, though I know that ultimately my attempt is futile. I am living in the imaginary moment, and in the moment, that is all that I care for. My right, (figuratively speaking) mechanical hand empowers itself in machine-like mission, out of sheering frustration to force this temporary pleasure that seems to have passed months ago, at times. I have a full enraging grasp of the prjectile spear of my manhood once more. I continuouslly speed up with continuous bursts of agility in a manhandling assault like a deseperate arson trying haneaously to spring pleasure, triumphant over pain. In pain-staking attempt, a sequentually waxing and waning erection struggles the outcome of depression or conquer. I summon intuitively, that which will never leave me, in all my being, the cherished attainment, achieved from my from my timely connection. The internal apparition of my so-said soul mate smiles at me, as if she was there with me, empowering me atlast to unleash my triumphant release. I internally laugh coherently, how such an originally intended perverse act could end with such a romantic mental outcome. A full throttle spiritual, and creamy outburstial sensation, that numbs the aches of her absence, as if a willed power had spiritaullty transfigured her to my side, at last. The soothing warmth envelopes me into a feeling to physical filth that I have to disperse from me in the shower, moments afterwards. I fondle the thoughts in fullness, turning to my right side, where she would cuddlingly lay, lovingly engulfing me in a love trance, whispering appreciations of the night into each of the lover's ears, eternally holding onto life's few fruitful moments, being beyond thankful to be engaged at each other's side, not caring, or wanting to be at any other destination of existance, except here, with each other, killing the cursely routines of time. "I love you..." ....we softly whisper to each other....the fantasy then vanishes, consciously awakening back into my disdaining reality, with my hand lonesome on my fully erected dick, my hand groping air, and the abstactness of my love, absent from my side.....

Six Glorified Months For A Triumphant Return To Prom

Current mood: bored





It was this past Friday night, that marked my six month anniversary, with my most beloved fiance, Riley. I love you, babe. =) We celebrated the ocassion by going out to eat with her family at Alforno's in Flower Mound, and going to see Spider-Man 3, at Vista Ridge Mall, which we had been looking forward to seeing for months. It did not disappoint expectations either. Go and see it if you haven't, because it's a great movie, and the best so far in the series! It seemed like a standard night, for what we do on most Fridays, but her being with me for the past six months made it much more significant. In doing this, we also decided to drag our friend Clint out of his appartment, and take him for his ocassional walk out with us, for his mental stability and emotional well-being. He better have had a good time, or I'm going to sue him for my eight bucks back, when he gets it in a month or two. lol By the end of that night, I felt terrible. I had been sitting there, with Riley, on a bench at The Square, in Denton after a nice cup of coffee to wake us back up. She was in tears, seemingly heart broken. I'm sure my regretted remark, hours earlier at a gas station contributed to what she was feeling, but I still do not fully understand the cause of it. I can only hope as our relationship progresses through time, we can learn to be more open with each other and cure the pains that continue to haunt us.



Two years ago, from this past Saturday, I would never even want to consider attending another high school event of any kind. My senior Prom was a wasted drag that I'm still trying to forget. My date danced with other guys, and wouldn't even smile for a damn picture. I feel like smacking my parents with a sledge hammer for getting pissed off at me all of those worthless years for not attending school events, and making good use of the money, spent at clubs, raves, and the priceless moments of getting wasted and laid with my friends in previous years. Those cherished memories are much more valuable that wasting money trying to fit in with school pride cliques to make Mommy and Daddy proud of me.We made out that year outside the building, and ended up sleeping behind Ihop that year, which was the bedazzling highlight of the entire wasted event. I looked forward to dancing and spending time with my friends, while it was wasted, playing cell phone games, carving exotic shapes out of candle wax, stealing all of the table ornaments, and dancing with other fat girls, while thinking of someone else. Enough of me moping about those old pissy memories though...it makes this blog extremely depressing and boring. When I think back to the beginning of our relationship....I noticed the very first date, that Prom would mark our six month anniversary, and thought would be the pentacle of our relationship, because I was living in filth and being a down and out junkie that never thought he'd have a future in life. However, I went to Prom happy, and being engaged for the past four and a half months. It was quite interesting to see old friends, thant my fiance claims that I secretly knew her's, when we really shared the same circle of companions without ever really realizing it. There were an abundance of old comrades that were openly gay for a very long time, who came with dates of the opposite sex, and began to experiment with their hetrosexual side. We could call it the "Poontang Awakening!" This year, I was very fortunate and grateful to be with the girl that I loved most, and do something that I thought that she wasn't very capable of doing. My woman can actually dance! lol She's very good with her hips....which unfortunately we were not able to put those moves into practice later that night, in the ways that I had hoped...but life is a bitch, and you can't have your way all the time...nor did it happen any time at all this entire weekend. I'm such a horny fuck that needs to get laid a lot as a supplement for all of the drugs that I gave up. lol We'll work that schedule out in later time though. This was her night, and she deserves to be writing this much more than I do, which is why this blog is so fucking long and boring. It was a time for her to be in union with her old friends, one last time because she may not have the chance to see them much anymore. At the end of the night, she too, seemed to have had greater expectations, like she had been ignored by all of her former friends, and that there were a lot of emotions and teen grudges being held back, that were best not to be mentioned at the time. After Prom, we went to the out to Lake Grapevine, all for about thirty minutes, and left to look a large houses that the inhabitants do not deserve, and watch my future wife fantasize about having one, which will occur far down the road. lol This is when my thoughts began to fade, and escape into my own reality, because I began to grow disinterested in any form of conversation, that night...which is why there isn't much left to explain, only pointlessly ramble. It wasn't much of a mystical night that you'd fondle in books or mentally masturbate to a motion picture. It was more of a time for closure.....seemingly....that my fiance perhaps believes is the end of a chapter in her life, before graduation, and goes off to college to make new friends and grow in our relationship. Goddamn, this blog bored me to tears! lol Maybe she'll type a better, less elaborate blog, and you can enjoy it more from her experience. Im not in a very cheerful mood, at the moment anyway. I hope that it was a fun night, and worth going to, babe....I know you atleast have a lot of memoroabilia to stash in some box in your room to look at, when you're bored, years later. lol *Secretly drinks vodka, disquised as water, while at work.* Here's to another six months of being together, babe...I hope that it's an even greater thrill than the first