Various Materials20:34 Jul 10 2006
Times Read: 594
An Analytical Gate Way For Societal Providence
A close friend and I engage in conversation at random times that we feel is appropriate to expose to society to encourage insight on topics that they may have narrow views on. Read this from bottom to top, and learn to question your everyday ethics and outlooks on life, and subject it to added wisdom. My posts are under the name, "Humanity's Victim Of A Survived Self-Abortion, and obviously, my companion's is "Revengeance." I am most certain that this is only the beginning of many societal analytical conversations to be revealed for all curious eyes to read...
thank you! i will ^_^. I've always wondered what it was about.
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From: Humanity's Victim Of A Survived Self-Abortion
Date: Jul 9, 2006 2:44 PM
I have a copy of it. It's Anton LaVey's best work. The Forward was writeen by Marilyn Manson, who was ordained a Reverened of his church. This aspect of Satan mainly deals with the philosophy oof self-indulgence, and living life according to fleshly nature. No spiritual aspect necessary. Basically telling us not to fear the natural world, and being what we've been for millions of years...humans. You can get a copy at Barns and Noble's Borders, maybe even Books-A-Million, close to where you work. I'd look into it, if I were you.
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From: Revengeance
Date: Jul 8, 2006 8:52 PM
very true. I have read Angels and Demons it was actually the better book to read. The Da Vinci Code rather bored me cause of its repeatness. One book I would like to read is the Satanic Bible, I have yet to find it and to read it, I would love to see that side of the others beliefs ya know? Its kinda like today you have preps and jocks vs. the freaks. Not trying to be stereotypical but you know what I mean. But it's literally true, you see people distance themselves from each other than realizing you may have something in common. It's all about the money and popularity nowadays. ::sigh::
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From: Humanity's Victim Of A Survived Self-Abortion
Date: Jul 8, 2006 8:46 PM
The book was stolen from a previous book, written in 1982 that was along the same basis. But ofcourse he's made so much money off of that stupid book, it's pathetic. Angels and Demons was a much better work of his. I'd read it some time if you haven't. It's about the Inquisition and Witch Trials. Death is quite a mystery indeed. We've already been through all of that. lol There's too much conscious energy that is composed in human life, and the complexities of nature, in my opinion, testifies of a power beyond us. But it tends to ignore the ones who seek it out of ignorance, and unfortunately the ones who struggle with it like a jigsaw puzzle who can never find the missing piece. Why does such a great power choose to remain absent from the seeking mind? It must be the willing heart that has been a victim of the misfortunes and suffering that it takes to find it.
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From: Revengeance
Date: Jul 8, 2006 8:33 PM
exactly when I read the book I literally laughed throughout some of the things cause of all its fiction. And yet at the same time it got annoying cause there was a huge craze about the damned book. AND! the author got sued from it (which was hilarious) and many people sometimes need to get their facts straights instead of having their imagination run crepit and run their lives. That happens sometimes and it gets a little depressing cause its all they ever think about. Why think evil things upon yourself when you got a few more minutes to just live. Cause dying will be just another adventure.
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From: Humanity's Victim Of A Survived Self-Abortion
Date: Jul 8, 2006 8:29 PM
I believe that overly liberal people go to vast extents to antagonize the bible. First, they say that Jesus married a former prostitute, SURVIVED HIS CRUCIFIXION! And now lately, they say that he possibly had sexual relations with his youngest disciple, who was later John the Apostle, who more than likely wrote the Book of John, and the Book of Revelation, being exiled on Patmos. My personal view, there is vague evidence to suggest that he MAY have had a relationship with her, such as gnostic texts that says he kissed her on the lips. But it was in Hebrew custom to, almost to the extent of a European hand shake. lol He promoted a personal relationship with God, on a personal basis. He was no doubt a very affectionate person, but that doesn't come to the conclusion that he took Mary Magdolene as a wife and had a daughter, then went on a mystical voyage to Spain, which there is very vague REAL evidence of. The DaVinci Code is like taking the Book of MORON to be undeniable truth. It's well written, but most of it is based on fiction, and very subjective evidence. Even if he did have relation with her, why should you quiver in fear of your faith. It doesn't dimean his teachings, which are very applicable if practiced correctly.
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From: Revengeance
Date: Jul 8, 2006 8:17 PM
O_O woah you just took that from my head didn't you? lol. I was thinking nearly the exact same thing. It also shows though in the bible later on their is a city with people! where in the fuck's did they appear from? lol. That right there shows one of the many things questioning from the bible. And just recently I've come to find out they found King Tut's mom. 3000 year old mummy! ....theres a joke in there. Sure the authors were men. I would think to believe more if it was written maybe by the son of our heavenly father. Not just his followers. I mean yes even man had their story but Jesus would know of the stories later on. Hell some believe that jesus had a wife and kids and their is this special alliance to keep the heir to the holy one safe (ahem the Da Vinci Code) but its thouroughly unplausable wouldn't you think?
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From: Humanity's Victim Of A Survived Self-Abortion
Date: Jul 8, 2006 8:07 PM
"Is there a Heaven?" "Is there a Hell?" "There is one man who knows the answers to these questions!" The Hell Spawns! "Make them both suffer!" lol That was from a Spawn video game. I think that much of our Western Judeo-Christian scripture has many metaphores and symbolisms surrounding it. For example, "Lucifer" in Hebrew means "Sun of the Morning Star." Then he's referred to as "Fallen Star" as well in Isaiah 14 and Revelation 12 and 13. Also, a tree to represent the power of good and evil, as well as a tree for knowlegde and the "Original Sin" A divine garden for paradise once was. And a divine being for the origins of the universe, who created us to be decendants from two people? It says in Exodus that God speaks out against the practice of Incest. Then again, Abraham married his half sister. It says that God never changes his mind. Why would he allow incest to be practiced among his greatest servants if he's against it? Then again if God condemns abortion, then why did he murder the offspring of David and Bathsheba, then bless thier next descendants with Solomon. Again, personified explanations of man's version of Good and evil. God and Satan (Which means adversary in Hebrew dialect.) Heaven for people who remain righteous in the ways of a "righteous God" and Hell of those who disbelieve and are unfaithful. Do you see the complexities that you have to deal with if you take it literally, like an irrational fundamentalist does? They claim to be historians after reading the book of Genesis. lol WHen it's primary focus is really only the history of one civilization in the world, and it's link to every civilization. Once again, a tower to express where all of the languages of the world were confoundes. Say about 3000 BC is what they claim. Many languages were spoken many thousands of years before that. Everything is in perspective. How many times do we have to revise and retanslate the bible before we get "the unfallible Word of God" right? Which clearly the authurs were ethical, but very flawed MEN.
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From: Revengeance
Date: Jul 8, 2006 7:50 PM
very true. Many seem to reep on their destruction of their souls unsure of how to carry on and sometimes need more than just a comfort but a source to be a guide into a path they think is more suitable. Many question the thoughts of life and death wondering if their is a all powerful being watching over us. Is their a hell? is their a Lucifer? Is their a heaven? and most importantly when will our judgement day come?
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From: Humanity's Victim Of A Survived Self-Abortion
Date: Jul 6, 2006 8:10 PM
Internally, they scower among the immortal suffrage of lonliness that they have pitted themselves in, where they see themselves in thier mental grave yards, gloomily burying an identity to replace it with a more compaible one to conform to the numerical system in which they place thier hopes in. You can see this with the development of globalization, and the uniting of the European Union. People seem to thin that to resolve our differences, it is intuitively best that we think alike. It's as if we are reconstructing a monarchal Communism to where there will be no differences. A lunatic Utopia with no creativity, no freedom of thought, and no room for a conscious disagreement. Some view being different to the point of being evil. They normally bse this on thier ancient religious paradoxes and thier versions of the divine. Who is your god, if you have one?
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From: Revengeance
Date: Jul 6, 2006 7:59 PM
EXACTLY! my god i love our conversations! As they seek refuge they face their own destroyed identities slowly trying to pick up the pieces. But as the pain as they grasp on to the past they know now as they can confide in a few others who have felt and witnessed the pain as their mental and physical state becomes raw with the pain and they become numb to all life not exactly knowing what they are doing as if they are half dead. Their eyes are show no emotion cold and darkness is what they feel and seek redemption.
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From: Humanity's Victim Of A Survived Self-Abortion
Date: Jul 6, 2006 7:55 PM
What's contradictory is that Hitler had brown eyes and black hair lol He must've felt very lowly of himelf. You can sort of sence that after reading Mein Kompf. People love to destoy the individual's uniqueness, when they know that they could never attain it. Once again, they seek refuge among the masses to destroy identities and create thier own.
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From: Revengeance
Date: Jul 6, 2006 7:45 PM
Though throughout the societal factors many start to notice how everyone wants to be nearly the same thing or don't even try and but noticing themselves at times as a copy of what many to what the perfect race. It's like Hitlers views of blonde hair blue eyed and such. He tried morfing a perfect race while people suffered on his behalf.
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From: Humanity's Victim Of A Survived Self-Abortion
Date: Jul 6, 2006 7:25 PM
Exactly. It retires back to the consequence of lonliness. When the ousted individual finds himself isolated from everyone else, they feel the need to alter thier personality to conform to an appealing social group to become more adequate to sustain a sence of purpse and appreciation for self-existance. Very few people find int comforting to be exclusively alone, with no one to converse with at any times. Even the lowliest and lonliest of "loners" appeal to the idea of being alone with atleast one other person to share thier struggle with. Some see life as a societal food chain to attain as high of a status as possible to be recognized in the world. the ones that remove themselves from such ambition, still struggle to associate themselves with a group that does not aspire for status and fame in the world, as long as they can seek refuge to a sence of belongingness amongst each other. Its the social cause and effects of humanity, and it's been that way since the organization and uniformity of our existence.
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From: Revengeance
Date: Jul 6, 2006 7:09 PM
and here everyday people start noticing they are controlled by societal factor and get scared knowing now they don't have control of their own lives, they try grasping with people they know that have delt with the pain and unpained marking only to be pushed aside as if their nothing and they are left alone wondering what happened and what went wrong? they don't understand correctly till someone that they knew they've hurt sits down with them and tell what the fucked happened and the insubordinate face the problem in ways of either mental and physical pain and now they soon try to fit in with a crowd different of itself and know now they don't belong on either side and rot by themselves or very few people they relate to .
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From: Humanity's Victim Of A Survived Self-Abortion
Date: Jul 6, 2006 7:33 AM
From an individual's birth into mainstream society, we are fed a waste of ideals, customs, ethics, moralities and values that make up societal noms. We are taught to aspire to perfection. They more that we live up to those philosophies and principles, the more we are perceived as "good" or "great." If an individual chooses to live by his own principles, they have stepped ouside of the realm of societal norms. Therefore they are different, and perhaps "wrong" in the societal system's eyes. Thus, them being wrong, it would be perceivably fitting to to correct them by comforming them into the system, or excommunicating them from the system, to secure the routineness of the norm. You have individually proven yourself to the masses that the system works in thier minds, by crushing someone else's beliefs. As of consequence, society will abide in the system. and revere you to be an important voice. Predominatly when it comes to religious zealousness, and thier mental masturbation, over who has the absolute and flawless truth. It's simple survival of the fittest and strength and numbers. They are too weak to be individuals, so they choose to remain as a product of the system.
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From: Revengeance
Date: Jul 5, 2006 10:20 PM
The Unknowingly throughout life at times we go through changes of life. Or subnormal mental stability as we grow. When others are affected at a young age that could be traumatic they deal with it while others go on with thinking everyone and everthing is just fine. While the lost ones mature more faster. People seem to keep away from them as they are alone throughout much of their life trying to have a conversation that could be more intelligent than what many avoid in their incomprehendable reason. Sometimes we make a kidding or a tease and people don't seem to reason with it and finally blow up thinking of themselves and then the person they were accused of has no reasoning as they only know what they did and try to explain while the other puts up a wall no wanting to here it. Their brains fill with evil thoughts and what they'd want to do to them physically and mentally. Wanting at times to understand what had happened while the other gets pissed and knows they'd do something and stay away. We were born not perfect, we will never be perfect. So why do many people try and act it when they know there is no reason to being perfect? cause it shall get them nowhere.
Monday July 10, 2006 - 11:02am (CDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
One Fatal Slit To Relinquish This Conscious Abomination
Two days and one life has come to pass since my down casted eyes have come to physical witness of one inh whom now, I think of constantly. Feeding her the crimson iron ingredients from my wrist that day for her appeasment, relieving a desired mark on the neck, while my hair was reaped, and a gentle, yet hopefully not unfruitful kiss emerged into it's first Spring bloom. Yet, the unforgiving turmoil, of Autumn's weaping, soon collapsed the hopes of further engagement. The companion that had come with me on this weekend of emotion's multitude, I am most thankful. Yet, should not shame compress your heart at this moment. The woman of my costant thought's female companion desired you. You were there to commune in solitude temporarily, to greet her spirit of agonizing fragility, only to mock it, and betray your own, by following the prowess of your true mental desires, and preying on another. Though at this time, occupying my thoughts in creativity, in abscence of the woman of my thoughts in these events, I, being in the midst of continuing love, you floored and engaged willingly, before my demised eyes. For this, I forgive you, because I did not acknowledge my condonement. Yet, walking along side ththrough the Flower Mound vegetation, and tennis courts, could you have not considered to use an electron from the muscle of which matters most, to repent from your lustful urge, and attempt to companionize on a singular basis? To my love with harlot tenancies, you have my condolensces, and my wish for a festive near year, from the day of your late birth. No doubt, my lust, and forbidden emotional desires will draw us together once more in the need when affection is most comforting. I give thanks to the disassociated escort of that night, who took us from place to place, given little credability, and will acknowledge this once more in persom. To my friend who dwelt this experience with me, and will have no fucking clue what I am mentioning here, if you ever read it, I sincerely wish that you can self fuse your mind, and manipulate a leash to strangle your hormones when you feel most tempted, because time for heart piercing retribution is no doubt, for you to come. To the companion of the girl of my thoughts, please be weary of your selection, in whom you choose to draw to. This one could end in grotesque disappointment, but eye the witness of the partial events, to let her not receive the perceived scape goats of life, of that being, the masculine gender. To the one who dwells in and tortures the core of my thoughts with a jagged scalpel, I desire an opporunity to perhaps in the future have a relationship with you, when your complaining thoughts mature, and iron barricades have been plowed to secure our communion. I am most sure that your pleasant spirit can bring potential of what I have lost faith in. The personified existence of the cradle of mankind referred to as "love." To my own bitter dwellings, and meagerly maintained existence, the utensil of termination LIES before your eyes, and captivates it's compressing thoughts eternally. Why the fuck have you refused to use it? One last self-inflicted slit, to devictimize you from your internal suffrage, would contribute to the comfort of humanity, and the peace of your non-existant solitude.Tuesday June 27, 2006 - 08:49am (CDT) Permanent Link | 1 Comment
These Include all of my Myspace blogs to current date...
Sunday, June 18, 2006
A Grotesque Apitome Of Diabolical Insignificance
Current mood: rejected
I am the apitome of insignificance...
Sedated Inconvenience
Evacuated Disease
Assimilated Exxcusion
Normality Disfunction..but not Disfucktion
Totalitarian Turmoil
Ravished Victim
Abortion Desire
Suicidal Entrapment
Hatred For Existence
Still, I gloomily ponder of why I continue to dwell in this conscience corpse of mine. I wallow and internally conflict myself with an indudged glimmer of difined hope, while wishing upon a slandrous superstition for salvation from a mutilated and desolate soul, leading a scowering spirit. The alleged companions that I had befriended shame me, and leave me isolated, disassociated, outcasted, downcasted, and pleading for death that I have been too cowardice, and too much of a pussy to take my own life to current date. Then comes, a new emotion, incovenently misdirecting my intentions for self-deletion, teasing me, as if there is a point to brighten, and live another disappointing day, as if I actually cared that my life could possibly taken. my perceived true off and on friends suffer my heart to continue it's meager pulse once more, with each conflict of thier own lives, that I offer an empathy token for, finally able to relate. A half cheerful moment of expressing suffered entanglements encompassed me temporarily a relief, when penning a portrait of my thoughts upon a woman that means life and death to me, though, she does not reveal the same sentiments. Penning it very symbolically upon her back after an enthralling illegal "swim" and interaction in a apartment pool, after disappointingly, not being able to interact with our friends that we were going to snort coccaine with. From the ground, rooted up, I drew three flowers. Two of them were under the bright cheerful sun, enjoying life in fullness as they embraced a blissful and ignorant sweet serenity in communion with each other, while ignoring the flower to the left that was stranded in darkness under the crescent weaping moon light, partially eclipsed with gloom ridden rain fall to cover the the disgusted view upon his suicidal death. My perception saw it as the ultimate way of expressing one's emotions, in the most beautiful artistic mistake that one could view. Ridicule and out cast bring upon the diabolically depressed, a soothing and peaceful death. yet nature has away of covering her unrevealing flaws, thus leaving the creative and questioning mind, empty of thier thoughts, and resting in the serreal solitude of thier abscence. One of my external existence, that I intend to erase, at a soon-coming time with a knife, a self-shattered mirror, a neglectful, still passing systematic crowd, and the wecoming wrists that desire to feel merely it's last pulse.
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Thursday, June 15, 2006
A Lamenting Invitation For The Bringers Of Peace And A Wretched Curse For The Grotesque Radical
Current mood: predatory
An invitation and inspiration to the bringers of peace and a curse to those that condemn
Unfortunately, being driven to an argumentative stat in the Yahoo Chatrooms, there are those that can drive the reasoning mind to anger, that have contempt for organized religion and those who wrongly practice them. They aggrevate, cringe, and can potentially dampen once spirit by masses mauling them to impose thier views upon someone by thrusting a alleged holy work into someone's choking throat. The harrassing of the feeble and relentless narrow mind to condemn the fist soul moving, that does not agree with thier faith in entirety sickens me. Criticize me if you wish, just being perhaps, because of my contempt for these over zealous religious scum, but they are hypocrites, and desecrate the genuine peaceful practitioners of the faith. Fortunately, the few that I am in contact with, and can relate to, do not down cast me for not having belief in entirety to thier perception of "God." I realize that I have personal issues, humiliating and making a spectacle of thier ignorant minds for my own pleasure and entertainment, crushing thier Holy rolling egos, when in reality, as a promoter of peace, should merely be ignoring them. Being religious at one time, and spiritual, ultimately drove me to anger, being sickened for apologizing for being human, being down casted and disassociated with for being with my "Godless friends" at most times, rather than making my concdemnation, handing out Jesus's turn or burn card every sermon that I have ever listened to. Thus abandoning my faith in religion, any sort of spirituality, that I have acquired knowledge of, and wholeness of ethical philosophy. The mind should not think in absolutes. All things are in perspective, and subject to debate, srutiny, and skepticism, to further pursue and understand what we would define and classify as truth. I have done some very sinister deeds, since abandoning my faith, out of sheer anger, and conflicting hate. If only there was a genuine, non-condemning believer there for me, or if a loving God would here my thoughts, and answer my prayers and struggles, then I may have never fell away from the perceptive version of Christian grace. I have accomplished more in life, not holding true to a supernatural superstition that ultimately failed me, by wasting too much of my young life on it. I am an independent, realistically thinking, agnostic human being with his own opinions, ideals and ethics on how to govern his life, so you pharisee like believers will just have to deal with it. We may not always agree on what to believe, and our understanding of the supernatural, if it exists, at all, but can't we agree to promoters of peace, and not argumentitive, as the fabled religious heroes of the faith once taught? Clear your mind, as an individual, liberate your thoughts for one moment, and just consider for yourself, away from your experiences, and how you were brought up in life, and question for one moment whether or not your view of the truth could be even degreely fallable. And should you truly force someone to feel ashamed of thier faith, if they practice it honorably, and show you the same respect by not condemning you, but will be there for you when they need you most. Consider your own text, away from the precepts of men. "Judge ye not, lest though be judged," thus Jesus is commanding you not to judge others, because it is not your place to do so, hereby condemning yourself by doing it. Forgive me if I see a problem with overly judgmental, hypocritical, overzealous, bible-banging, icon, people condemning bastards, and religious fucks get to go to Heaven, while the peace baring "non-believers" rot in an eternal inferno for not hanging thier hopes on a two thousand year old superstition, that claimed to return soon, and is a name that has been murdered in the name of, war mongered in the name of, and genocide in the name of, and excommunicated in the name of, for simply having a different view of the divine then you did (speaking to fundamentalist, uncompromising, incoherent "beievers" {Yes, I'm speaking to you, because Hell should have been made, and possibly was made for people like you}) I rest my words in solitude, influence, and a passionate hatred for those who condemn you for being a human, and not revering them as the sole path to God. Goddamn you and all of your immoral fallacies, Goddamn you and your self-contradicting belief of your thought belief, and Goddamn you if you are pissed by reading this ever rambling, yet informative and worthy of reading blog. Bless the kind believer that offers advice and peace in the name of your faith, being expressed in truth, tranquility, and valiant humbleness. I promise that you will be listened to, Many of my believing friends are being listend to in the name of peace at this very moment. Yet, respect my belief that we can be friends without believing each other's beliefs, and opposing views should not divide us, from the pursuit of truth, and the goal 0f bonding without violence over our trivial differences, just as I am sure that a god who tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves would encourage us to do.
5:49 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, June 03, 2006
A Dedicated Spell For Retribution
Current mood: morose
Upon the established rock. preserved for my yearning prescence. A shed crimson tear is slaughtered as a sacrificial lamb of innocense is a plea for your divine escence. Retribution as a tolken of restoration, soon come to free a friend from the debtrimental shackles of her posession. Her transgressors shall suffer an unbargaining consequence for her healing respiration. Smite them to be externally inflicted, and internally conflicted. Aspiration for excrutiating torture in due we seek, ther judgment and generational curse, till death be eternally at it's peak. In inspiration of these self-formed scriptured words, duely define thier coming of doomful infiltration. In meager faith of these words and red gushing viens due I plea. Judgment now come from the infernal abyss, stead fast, so mote it be.
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Thursday, June 01, 2006
A Glooming Inferno That Falters Intimate Ecstasy
Current mood: melancholy
The series of current events, not previously mentioned in my fore written blogs deserves recordance and confirmation that they have physically come to pass. In early May, perhaps the best friend that I have in preasant times and I partook in a much needed evacuation th the western corner of the state and beyond. In merely scant detail of our short lived, and unexpected voyage, our destinations included the city of Lubbock, Amarillo, a night's stay in Dalhart, Texas, and then a rounding trip through Clayton, New Mexico, the "No Man's Land" of Oklahoma, the goddamn arm pit of the west Texas panhandle, and finally, concludance to our fortress back home in Denton, Texas. In sum memory of the complex nature and meaning, taken from that trip, two long standing and close friends bonded in thought, appreciation of one another's existence, and grievence in of failure to see awing sensation of violence at WWE Raw in Lubbock, and the unfortunate peril that Chad suffered in his lack of a physical encounter with a woman that I enjoyed when I returned to my desolence of a home. Dispite Chad and I having very little in common, except our perverse thoughts, and corruptive mental nature, of mine being the greater of the two, our interests will never be shared, and our method of external pleasure will never be the same. Ofcourse details will be sustained from mention for Chad's social health. Ask him if you dare. In accordance to my most infuriating event to be mentioned, secure of name, who happens to be a most cherished friend of mine. A goddamn fuck cunt of a man, who claimingly her significant other brutalized her most mentally and physically. Bared in her was her unborn child, accredited to this desirably soon to be deceist menace. She, being young, bore testimony of this news and consern. His reaction to this solution that he manufactured on his own accord, thrusten an empoundment to the lower stomach, to end the unborn fetus's life. Her stomach had been internally bleeding for a couple of most lamenting days, after experience of a previous encounter of a much older man that took andvantage of her still adolescent physical features. My hopes and wishes for her well being be bestowed upon her for her fotune, and my desire for these men's most haneous sufferring justifiable judgment, be inflicted upon them to the highest form stead fast. I also believe it to be right to execute this mistake of a child in medical fashion to not conform a destruction of her's. My most ecent event to be of joyous mention is a friend of mine that achieved a small portion of what most perceived as to be impossible. The friend of mine who had been through scrutiny of his sexuality, endangerment of social stability, and self-pitty of sexual immorality of pedifile engagement. A section of me will condemn the bastard that he withhold's inside, but my forgiving nature offers him retribution to those that esteem him eternally guily of his ex-post facto tansgressions. He is as a brother to me, and I wosh him the best of hopes and good fortunes to come in debt and service to his country in uniform, and beyond.
All deserve what they earn...in his case a second opportunity to be a good service to this life time. In view of friends not seen in the cyclical course of a year, I am most grateful. In encounter with my once perceived love once more, the evidence acknowledges even greater, that it can never be, Though saddened, and my wrists scarred for her, I choose to let it sacrificially end, and thrust a cascade over the left fumes, suffocating it to it's ashes. An encounter of a loving friend in whom I believed to eternally be lost, had graciously come into my prescence again. It was as a drream to wrap my arms around her and hug her again, which, with most certain hope will come again. I doubt that she is ever to read this again, but Liz, it would be an anticipated appointment to view you in person once more. Anothe worthy friend worthy of accrediting, not to be mentioned, is of one that I aspire to attain a "fairly close" and tangible friendship with in due time in the future. Thank you for being the friend of need in the moment to esteem me with slight fortune and grattitude for my existance. I am here for you always, as well. Though my internal thoughts, and contempt for myself will remain. The desire to slit my throat and smear it in the face of a false deity that I thought would attain me salvation.
2:27 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
The Plagued Panaroma of an Undying Curse that has Reincarnated to seek it's Retribution
Current mood: lonely
Now currently at my third attempt at creatin this defiling blog, I shackle myself, and invite every suffrage of interal or external confliction to inflict whatever sentence of wounds that it seeks to trample on my dismayed spirit to merely come to conclude what could be my most emotionally cringing blog, thus written to date. The Death Reaper's retribution has come to consume my desired attempt to resurrect a relationship that pile driven below the defiled gravel with a hidden tomb stone. My eternal eternal enemies and internal demons have barricaded me from my sour and corpse beaten attempts to draw back near to me the sinificant others that have intimately saved my life with thier unconditional companionship My soul tearing conflictions have ravished an bindes my into a torn photograph of a dead -walking man that will ceise even to be a fading memoir. A sheering tribute to death has deseased my deceitful conscience and illuminated my longing for internal peace by externally ending what physically remains of me. As revoked in simplicity, I have grown to intolerable an incomprehensible anger for the life that I so desperately thrive to perish. I have grown sickened of the massichistic violence that has plagued my unbearing depressive, depressing, and depressed family. The accused have leached from the morrowed milk of my forgiving graces, and the substance extacy has failed to end the suffering, Goddamn, this sounds like a fucking suicide letter. lol An imaginary God, built upon an organized superstition, according to a hateful doctrinal belief, has perged me into the everlasting, inescapable outer darkness, Goddamn your failure to bare me peace when I served and seeked after you. Goddamn your failure to realize my need for spiritual liberation, and Goddamn your methodical punnishment by perging my curious and once serving spirit in your hoy sanctuary, to grieve me in an unquenching abyssing furnace, where I will ever suffer from Dante's revelation and Appollyon's suffered reckoning. The whore of Babylon's induced lustful indulgence will sooth the heat of ever baring inferno. Goddamn my pointless babeling that can never find peace or conclusion. A good frind that has balanced with being his mystifying edy self? Am I a sinful saint that has a date with suicide? A curious personage that only seeks a saving, redemptive hand, crying out in a longing aony for salvation before it is too late for me.
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Sunday, May 14, 2006
Thr Renaissance of a Resurrected Relationship?
Current mood: optimistic
The chaotic, yet salvation from a dying relationship cripples the human soul, yet enlightens the enduring mind. Being desolated and emotionally stirred into an abyss of disappointment for months, yet seemingly eternity, by the longing for a woman that I believe could be the only one that I truly ever loved, has a spurring potential to illuminate back to the perhaps eternal companionship that I so naively, yet precautiously have envisioned many times in previous settings, occurences, and lives it seems. For weeks, I had been indicated a spontaneous occurence of a miracle that may have occured during our last visit. it was as if though she loved me, as much as I did her. I will not believe this accept it, nor delude, or allw myself to be victimized blindly, as I view these events unfold in fullness. To the divine, if so be the existence, i simply only ask fo a chance, only sometime in the future of this pleasant chaos, while still enjoying her in the height of our youth. Though faith in meaning to me has faded, I have a wounding curiosity, of what is to becomme of this. Months of complains and disinterest confronted me, and erupted into my face this weekend, feeling sypathy for my grievances and losses, finally to temporarily perhaps, let me enjoy living, and not wish for death, lingering in the solidudinal walking death that has phased me, nearly every single day of my life. A lot of what I had hoped to accomplish and share affection with this woman in a night's notice, had come to pass, as if it were a dream. No matter what is to come, at this point, I am greatful to have spent that time with her. Cuddling with her, and expressing love with her, was worth the dying abscence I have experienced for a long time. The mutual companionship and wantingness of each other, has fused my positive energy all the more. For a long time I have not believed in the meaning of this word, yet have understood it. Being pure assets of lust, combined with illogical emotion, defined to me, as "love." Yet, I am in a condition, where I am allowed to love. No doubt I need molding, forming, and building on what my life is to be...(lol). but I believe that this could greater be accomplished more with, than without her, from the thought and feeling at this precise moment. Surely I hope that more time willbe spent with her, and more affectrion will be grown, watered, and nurtured between the passion and compassion to be shared between the both of us. I do not know where this will end ultimately, knowing that such is to not last, nor do I know the beginning, yet hope for merely the accepting first step. Revealing how we may actually feel for each other, in sincere honesty, without contept, strife, scrutiny, conflict, or a barricade to separate the feared expressions from each other. Merely one opportunity to allow it to work.
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Monday, May 08, 2006
A visit to a desolate remnants
Current mood: infuriated
I paid tribute to the life that I created in a place that was cherished to me for six years, merely to return to scower around the blistering scars that resist to heal. I seeked merely to commune with those who I had promised not to be forgotten, only to remain dormant, to one figure's promise that shattered and unprecidently succeeded at curving my enthusiastic expectations to a mourning disappointment. Am I allowed to hate the entity that I have sacrificed my life, and lamented tears upon thier alter. "Yes," I think to myself, wanting to mutilate and toss the bitch into an inferno, eternally felt, never to be dealt with again. Yet, only to watch in amusement and satisfaction of the suffering. Again, I would think, if only this person appreciated my service to thier emotionless heart, a tenth of my conflicted compassion, I would yearn to offer that person the universe. Then again, I think of the waste this person has offered, deluding myself to shape this person into what I wanted this person to be, as a redemptive act to cut her off, wiping away the charactered scars that she gave, revealing to her, her insignificane. I found appeasement with the invitational companionship that I am building with those who I intended, secondary to see, sufficing for the punished rejection attained from the primary bitch that is barely liked by anyone, that I would gladly commit suicide for. Serving the ones that you love most, should be a pleasure, being shown that same appreciation and love, returned in fullness. I end the strife, and wash the previously sacred blood of the bitch that I had learned to love, to be removed far from me. My naive compassion will still leave an open-door for her, due to the invested time and love shed for her, but these crimson tears will be spewed into her soul rhything pain's gashes, in my attempt to commune with her. I want to cut the tips of her eyes downward to shed tears of suffering for the innocent that she brutally corrupts, then thrust it into her crusted heart, cementing the excrutiating pain that she has served to those who have loved her the most. I Goddamn myself for loving this bitch, and LETTING her control my life lamenting decisions, and decapitate her existence in my soul with a saw. Though being numbed, void of her prescence, I find peace in the solitude, awaiting for other desires that will never come to pass.
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Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Infliction of a Conficted personality
Current mood: lethargic
One growing into a developing personality, experiences aches and hardships of the mind and heart in its fullness. The shackled sufferings that haunt me is what to do with these impersonal, beyond duality conflictions that form the make up and escence of who i exist to be today. The gloom of my infliction spuns a metamorphosis gushing of creativity that spawns the imagination allowing intrigue, disappointment and disinterest all at once. My percepted thoughts are viewed as one of good intention, ethical, sincere compassion for my friends, and a dark natured artistic stamina that expresses himself in the morbid views that not everyone may be able to fully comprehend, but easily appreciate. The opposing disinterest in this artistic perspective, is liberated, free-natured, and seduced by the temptation for the fun-loving and deviantly humiliating jackass that everyone adores from time to time, but ultimately is cast out as a swine into the dimented pits of sedated society. How to react to such unbaing conflict, that the complex mind deals with, as all does, yet the artistic, perceivingly melodramatic artist, expresses himself in fullness for what the viewer may consider to be envious or sappy. You have problems, grow up and deal with them. Expressing them through form of art is dealing with them, when no one will listen to you when you try to explain it. Only envy in awe as your provoking thoughts are finally articulated to where the feeble and futle mind can be horrendously enlightened. Is it wrong to enjoy the deviant expression without trampling on others? Why does there have to be absolutes to control the individual mind's persuit to infinite knowledge, but becomes a desolate waste, due to it's unstructured form. Why can't there be absolutes to be able to articulate how you really think aqnd feel to the rest of a chaotic society that refuses to listen. If there is a power strong enough to organize the complexly compassionate, deviatedly depressed, and corruptively appreciated and beautiful mind, i would love to speak to that figure.
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Sunday, April 30, 2006
Love distorted lusts and shattered shit bowls
Current mood: discontent
When we try to contemplate and differentiate the seemingly thick line between lust and love, evolving thinner as effection between those two partners grow, our envious and grotesque minds dissolve any future opportunity to save a close relationship. The previous two relationships have suffered the stubborn soul. There is an immediate attraction personally, and physically between the one that you are most compatable with in that preasant time. It is a very disfiguringly disgusted feeling to be one of abstact mind that demises himself, in not being able to express the emotions that he tries to convey to the common populists. (This is my fucking blog, so deal with it.) As time progresses through that firstly inspiring relationship, uninteded to elevate itself to the hieghtened status at first..switch to shitty liturgical vocabulary to better understand my own thoughts. lol There was a woman that I knew for a shot period of time, when we were automatically attracted to each other. Being both liberated, and living our own confused lives, we decided not to let our lustful infactuations diminish our routinelives. Our lust grew for each other, and emotional affection as well. We would get jealos after making out with each other, then seeing each other make out with oother people, appalling to both set masculine and feminine eys. So, we fell into our desire for each other, and pursued an attempted relationship. It was well, midway through the breaking point, seeing each other often, not wanting separation. As the attachment grew to it's peak, our young mind's desires began to wane away from each other. It was inevitable that it could not be saved, but human nature appeases itself at its futile attempt. Seeking to save it and comfort our thoughts, sufficing our preasant misery with raminiscing great times spent, walking, and making out in parks, benches, behind houses, and routine water soakings, everywhere imaginable, interest flattened to its bitter fucking end. Ones who do not who easily cope with thier emotions mutilate and bury the emotion, deep in thier mind, hopefully never to be felt or expressed again. When you are with that person, so frequently, after such failure, the casket burns, allowing the corpse to dig from its rotting grave, He walks around in your cherished, and stable thoughts snapping and burning them like fig trees, laughing at all attempt to hide the internal pain of a shap jagged dagger, being thrusted into your ever-bleeding heart, if taken out, will die to itself, and only know contept , regret, hate, and suffering for oneself, for as long as he chooses to keep himself alive.
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Monday, April 24, 2006
Trishy Fishy, My holiday silfy, where art thou?
Current mood: apathetic
Hey Trish, i know that eventually you'll read this, because I'll verbally beat you until you do. lol I know the shit that you're going through right now. I know the frustration you are having with your bitchy mother, and that you are glad that you are away from your house now. Best of all, you're almost eighteen. lol Damn, this sounds like a fucking e-mail. Anyway, i'm trying to hook up with some people to find an apartment. Lewisville, Denton, just as long as it's away from Mommy and Daddy, and I'm still in college. Either way, I knpw we're not life-long friends, but I'd say we've been through a lot of shit together, and you are on my mind a lot. I care about you, and know what it's like growing out of your teen years, not getting what you need or want. Hang in there. You'll make it, i know you will, unless I come and visit you to annoy you, and you get pissed off because physical torture doesn't phase me. lol i wish you the best of luck during these trialing times, and my thoughts and heart go out to you, as gay as that sounds. Take care and e-mail me more often. If any of you are my friends from LHS, who are one of the first to read this, and know Trish, please tell her to visit my page and read this.
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Monday June 19, 2006 - 05:55pm (CDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Entry for June 19, 2006
In solitude, I ponder to myself the traditional question of what defines my existance. In a past that seems to have been lives ago, I once had faith in the existence of the divine, and the possiblility of the supernatural. Conforming my beliefs to understood Christendom, in the nature of the spirit, surrounded by the influence of religion. I faoled disasrously to relate, which paralyzed my pursuit for a higher truth. In study of philosophy, mythology, and the magic arts, I found my center belief in the realm of the Occult, and a practitioner of Witch Craft. For those of you who are only familiar with the Occult as being sinister and demonic, it it's root word meaning is "Hidden Knowledge," from Latin dialect. More appropriately, a practicing mystic, if that is a more soothing word for the religious fundamentalists that take it upon themselves to read this blog. In the same way, practitioners of the modern-day craft, to soe extent, prefer to be called "Wiccan" to sooth the sinister distortion for which religious radicals have demeaned the name to the Western societal mind. Once again, whose root word, comes from Old English dialect, "wise." So consider what death and evil pains that your "belief" has thrusted upon "pagans," when they were burned, hanged, and tortured for not practicing your understanding of the divine, or insecurity in politics. I grew away from the magical arts, and shunned it as a superstition, and meaningless to me, as insignificant, just as life is, within itself. Though it never fasiled me, as religion did, merely revealing to me, that I disappointed myself for not practicing with a subjective mind, as I value mine to be. Thus, due to my desire for a purpose to live, while I choose to remain here, I will take up my Craft once more, and pursue a pleasure and reason to remain conscious in this ever decaying flesh that I bare. Too, to come to thought, is my consern for the uprising practice of homosexuality, inwhich I endorse, for population control, and find it not to be offensive personally, yet distressed, because most people that I know are beginning to pick up those tenancies, and experiment among themselves. It appears as though western women are becoming more intuned with a desire for thier femininity, due to thier lack of intoleration for perceived insencitivity of the man. The western man, not since Greek times, has been drawn to the same gender, due to the female's disinterest in him. For not too long now, my instincts have brought me to a forced curiosity, as to what it might be like to have some sort of intimate relation with my gender. Partially, these words sicken me, because I have been purely hetrosexual my entire life. The more curious that I become, the more disturbing that it gets. At the point that I am to engage in such an event, nearly all of my values have waned on me. I considered kissing a man a few times over the past year, and have had thoughts of receiving and engaging in oral and anal sex, which disturbs and frightens my secure mind. Am I insecure? Does it matter? From my thoughts complaced in this very instance, I do not believe that this is ever to occur. It is as if I am losing my mind, and falling into a grave of contradictions or a rainbow of unwanted open thought. Though my spirit is renewed to the possibility of the existence and providence of the divine...My misleading thoughts to throttle my loosening hetrosexual preference must be jarred in iron before it is shattered and taken.Monday June 19, 2006 - 01:50pm (CDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
An invitation and inspiration to the bringers of peace and a curse to those that condemn
Unfortunately, being driven to an argumentative stat in the Yahoo Chatrooms, there are those that can drive the reasoning mind to anger, that have contempt for organized religion and those who wrongly practice them. They aggrevate, cringe, and can potentially dampen once spirit by masses mauling them to impose thier views upon someone by thrusting a alleged holy work into someone's choking throat. The harrassing of the feeble and relentless narrow mind to condemn the fist soul moving, that does not agree with thier faith in entirety sickens me. Criticize me if you wish, just being perhaps, because of my contempt for these over zealous religious scum, but they are hypocrites, and desecrate the genuine peaceful practitioners of the faith. Fortunately, the few that I am in contact with, and can relate to, do not down cast me for not having belief in entirety to thier perception of "God." I realize that I have personal issues, humiliating and making a spectacle of thier ignorant minds for my own pleasure and entertainment, crushing thier Holy rolling egos, when in reality, as a promoter of peace, should merely be ignoring them. Being religious at one time, and spiritual, ultimately drove me to anger, being sickened for apologizing for being human, being down casted and disassociated with for being with my "Godless friends" at most times, rather than making my concdemnation, handing out Jesus's turn or burn card every sermon that I have ever listened to. Thus abandoning my faith in religion, any sort of spirituality, that I have acquired knowledge of, and wholeness of ethical philosophy. The mind should not think in absolutes. All things are in perspective, and subject to debate, srutiny, and skepticism, to further pursue and understand what we would define and classify as truth. I have done some very sinister deeds, since abandoning my faith, out of sheer anger, and conflicting hate. If only there was a genuine, non-condemning believer there for me, or if a loving God would here my thoughts, and answer my prayers and struggles, then I may have never fell away from the perceptive version of Christian grace. I have accomplished more in life, not holding true to a supernatural superstition that ultimately failed me, by wasting too much of my young life on it. I am an independent, realistically thinking, agnostic human being with his own opinions, ideals and ethics on how to govern his life, so you pharisee like believers will just have to deal with it. We may not always agree on what to believe, and our understanding of the supernatural, if it exists, at all, but can't we agree to promoters of peace, and not argumentitive, as the fabled religious heroes of the faith once taught? Clear your mind, as an individual, liberate your thoughts for one moment, and just consider for yourself, away from your experiences, and how you were brought up in life, and question for one moment whether or not your view of the truth could be even degreely fallable. And should you truly force someone to feel ashamed of thier faith, if they practice it honorably, and show you the same respect by not condemning you, but will be there for you when they need you most. Consider your own text, away from the precepts of men. "Judge ye not, lest though be judged," thus Jesus is commanding you not to judge others, because it is not your place to do so, hereby condemning yourself by doing it. Forgive me if I see a problem with overly judgmental, hypocritical, overzealous, bible-banging, icon, people condemning bastards, and religious fucks get to go to Heaven, while the peace baring "non-believers" rot in an eternal inferno for not hanging thier hopes on a two thousand year old superstition, that claimed to return soon, and is a name that has been murdered in the name of, war mongered in the name of, and genocide in the name of, and excommunicated in the name of, for simply having a different view of the divine then you did (speaking to fundamentalist, uncompromising, incoherent "beievers" {Yes, I'm speaking to you, because Hell should have been made, and possibly was made for people like you}) I rest my words in solitude, influence, and a passionate hatred for those who condemn you for being a human, and not revering them as the sole path to God. Goddamn you and all of your immoral fallacies, Goddamn you and your self-contradicting belief of your thought belief, and Goddamn you if you are pissed by reading this ever rambling, yet informative and worthy of reading blog. Bless the kind believer that offers advice and peace in the name of your faith, being expressed in truth, tranquility, and valiant humbleness. I promise that you will be listened to, Many of my believing friends are being listend to in the name of peace at this very moment. Yet, respect my belief that we can be friends without believing each other's beliefs, and opposing views should not divide us, from the pursuit of truth, and the goal 0f bonding without violence over our trivial differences, just as I am sure that a god who tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves would encourage us to do.
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