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I swear i can hear people talking to me when im alone, and there is no one near me. And yet i think to myself i must be going insane. Those voices are the ones fighting in my brain telling me to make those moves i wont usually make. And yet a road not take i have chosen. And for what? Because i still dont see the good in this road. I make me sore to know that this road might never change. I just keeping going down and down it. And nothing happens in it. Im seeing no street lights to light up the way, no one telling me its alright. And yet it feels like a dream. The one where you feel like your awake but you know your not.

When will this road change into something that will help me. It feels like pure hell walking here. I continue saying maybe this is what life is bring to me? I wonder if this is what everything in my life has added up to? Emptyness and lonelyness... I dont think they understand what it means to be alone, or feel like the world doesnt care anymore. I had so many people helping me, and because of one thing that was said i was pushed away. As if they didnt vare anytmore. But oh well. Life is not a bowl of cherrys.

Ive done what i had to, just to survive and i should thank the Goddess i am living and breathing. Although some days i wish i would never awake from my dreams. I wish i would stop breathing. Leave my body there and just watch and see what life would be like with out me? I cant be blamed for feeling the way i do. This is why im so Jaded. I cant seem to figure out who i am anymore, from innocence and Blissfulness to something full of hate, and anger.

What am i to do with my life if i continue down this path? Do i continue on thinking that life is horrible and is a waste of my time. Waking up and laying there and asking the Goddess if this is all a dream, and please let me awake from this Nightmare. Or will it change someone how, will i find someone that helps me? Some one thats willing to say its ok. Thats its alright to walk away from the things that hurt me so.

There isnt a night i sleep feeling "ok" or "fine". Why while i am writing this you pop into my mind. You never bother calling me when i needed you the most. I didnt know what to do with out you. You not being here to a tole on my heart and broke in a thousand pieces. I thought to myself this isnt possible. Ive never felt so let down by you. How i wished you were to walk through that door and say im here. Im sorry for all the things ive done to you. If you never changed i would be ok. This is just in case your reading this; that you understand the tears i cried wherent fake, they werent a lie. I have been waiting for you to return. Untill i realized you were with her.

My heart broken and shreded up like paper in a machine. Did you do it just to make me angry to make have a panic attack? Or did you do it because you thought there could be a future with me. I had everything planned out for us. A future a family. I saw us. But now i dont see anything. Nothing great and nothing is there anymore. I cant see myself with you or anyone else in this world. I been hurt so bad that now i have nothing left. And now i know what i ment to you, nothing.

Im so empty by you leaving and not being here. But i will be ok. Ill stay up for you, just in case you decide that she really does care. I will always been awake at night waiting for your call. Please take this time to realize what i feel.

Heartbroken

I cried myself to sleep. Thinking maybe i was wrong, or maybe you where dumb. But when it comes down to the truth this is what happened;

You cheated. You hurt me so bad, that now i swear i cant kove and get up again. So ill let you know something i could be strong, i am alone, but one thing that changes this all is that i have people who are willing to understand me, who have empthy for me. But you Sir can kick me down, watch me bleed and saw the show must go on. I dont know who you think you are, and what you say you are, but one thing is for sure. Liars never get anywhere. People dont enjoy a human beings that can break other people into a thousand pieces and pick them back up only to break them again. To you it was all a game, a horrible one where my life was hanging in a balnce, where one night i took to many pills to kill myself, sleep the night away and woke up feeling dizzy and unsure of what might happen next. Next thing i knew because of you i ened up in the hospital, they couldnt find nothing, they let it pass by as if i was sick with a fever of 103.

Ive walked away from something that could hurt me, that could truly kill me. But know this. I will always have your memorie in my heart, i will always feel for you as a person, but i ca never return after you hurt me the way you did.

I dont think anyone understand the pain, and the misery i have been going in and out of for so long. Two years, with madness and chaos in my mind, controlling everything about the person i am. And yet people tell me to hold on. But what am i truly holding on to? A thin piece of string that can snap? Or am i holding on to a rope that i know that will hold on until the end? I feel like i cant go on. Everything i ever need is now gone, and i could have been the one to show him that everything he has ever need was everything i could give him. But maybe love doesnt matter anymore in a relationship!? And if he had never told me, "Baby i can promise you my love, and ill be by your side" i wouldnt feel this pain thats casting me away. But thats why im still alive, im not finish with everything. And untill i see the day i die i wont be finished. I just want someone more than anything to be there for me, with love. But everytime i try.... I seem to have them slip away. I just need for someone to show me there is a way. I cant continue on living a nightmare where my world is falling apart. Is there anyone out there that understands me. Word for word. Who knows what it feels like to have everything you have ever eanted in this world to be stripped away from you. Then begining from the start all over again? Can someone be that person on the White Horse and come take me away. Please ill let you know that all you ever will need is standing in front of you, with her arms wide open.

COMMENTS

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LacyLashes
22:13 Jul 27 2011

Love can feel so very much like that. What is often mistaken for Love is generally the very affliction that steals it from us.



There are several things I try to remember about Love to keep my heart from being broken.



1. There is much Truth to the statement. "You cannot love others if you do not first love yourself." Most people will tell me that they DO love themselves, without taking the time to examine for themselves if this is true. I know it wasn't when I made the blanket statement. Life forced me to look at how I treated myself a little more closely than that however, and I found I did NOT treat myself the way that I would expect someone who loved me to treat me. I've learned along the way that if I cannot do that for myself..I will always have unrealistic expectations of others..and that is not Love.



2. Really think about what you are saying. We often make statements like the one you used. "Can someone be that person on the White Horse and come take me away?" Take you away from what? That is really the question. Someone looking for love, real love, isn't looking for a "damsel in distress," they are not out to rescue anyone. They are looking for a companion, a strength to their own strength, someone to share this life with. Anything that is going to last has to be built on a strong foundation, which means you must FIRST be strong on your own. Inherently we all know this, because we ourselves are always looking for someone strong to be by our side, but sometimes we forget. Loving yourself, being strong for YOU, is often the most difficult thing to do. It takes commitment , the kind you can't break away from without losing it all. That can be a scary thing. The first forever should be between you and your reflection. If you can succeed there, you won't be looking for promises..you'll be searching for PROOF.



3. You are worth loving. Know that, and know WHY. Be your own best friend, and you will be searching out that special someone who can be that kind of friend to you as well. Taking that time is well worth it in results. Be honest with you and you can be honest with them, and if you've been good to yourself in your search for love, you'll have chosen someone who is eager and willing to be honest with you about those things as well.



4. I make it a point to know someone for their year before opening my heart to them. I need to know them through their Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. Without knowing them throughout all of their Seasons, I reason I do not know them at all. I owe myself, and them, that much.



Good luck in your search for your heart's desire, it is my hope that you find that person who will truly appreciate you for the wonderful person you are!

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