Anamchara
11:05 Aug 25 2016
Times Read: 273
I'm honestly not even sure why I'm writing this...okay, even that's not entirely true. I know why I'm writing this, I just want to avoid admitting it to myself. I hope that whomever reads this will have a better understanding of mental illnesses and if they ever come across someone like this...they won't hesitate to help or support them. It's also for personal reasons; I need to get this out of my head, it's slowly eating away at me and my therapist thinks that it will help if I actually put it down in words. If by me sharing this with others, I can help someone...all the better.
It's been 3 months since I lost Bëkkä. I don't know what to do with myself anymore; I used to be awake at all hours of the day or night, available for her when she needed me. Now...nothing. Silence. I hear her voice in the silence, beckoning me to find her. But I know I never will. Three months...and it doesn't feel like anything has changed.
Bëkkä is...was...my girlfriend, and fiance. We've known each other a rather long time, talking and spending time together but it wasn't until December or so that we started talking about a potential future together. I love her so much and she knew it, but she didn't want to be with me...or anyone for that matter. She was keeping something from everyone except for a few people. I grew so frustrated that I finally asked her why she was avoiding being with me when she wanted to badly, using her own words against her. She finally told me that she has Schizophrenia and Multiple Personality Disorder.
I knew a fair amount about Schizophrenia, at least I thought I did. Turns out there is so much more that I didn't know. Regardless this didn't change how I felt about Bëkkä
in the slightest and I told her as much. This certainly explained her mood swings and random outbursts, why she would seemingly forget me for a few seconds or would need reminding of daily events. The closer we got, the more I fell for her and she for me, the more I saw just how bad these changes were.
Do you know what it's like to watch someone changing, forgetting who and where they are? Or what it's like...for them to forget you? It's the most heart wrenching thing
that anyone could ever experience. At first they are dazed and confused then they get irrational and sometimes violent, other times they are just scared.
Bëkkä actually had 5 personalities, I was dating the primary personality and over the course of time I would end up talking with all the others. All but one of them actually loved me in their own way. Things were going great for a while, anytime she needed me I was there. Then things started to unravel, about the time I asked her to be more steady on the medication she was supposed to be taking to help her get better.
Slowly but surely she would forget about me. At first it was just an hour or two, even when we would be spending time together or just talking on the phone. Then it progressed to days on end that she would forget me. More than once I would be on the phone with her and she would slip into this other personality...one that seemed to be devoid of all knowledge of the other personalities inside her. I'd spend an hour or two, sometimes as much as six hours talking to her until her memory returned or her caretaker found her.
I found out that she actually devised a plan for herself on the off chance that she did forget me, that she would have a trail leading back to me. This way I would always be able to help her remember who she was, who I was and that we would always be together. This scenario started playing out with regularity more times then I care to guess right now; she would forget everything then stumble across hints that would lead to my phone number, or Skype or my address. She would come calling then ask me to help her; help her remember who she was, why I was so important and why nobody would tell her the truth. I would, every time; even though it hurt me to no end for her to suffer like this, I knew she needed me.
It was the final two times this took place that I started suspecting the truth. The first incident happened when she forgot who I was for three days straight. Funny enough, she had left my phone number and she called me, demanding to know why my phone number had me listed as her boyfriend when she didn't remember having one. We talked for six straight hours, me filling her in on everything. Slowly, little hints would make her stop and remember things. The colour of my eyes, my laugh, terms we had for one another. She commented that she could see why she would fall in love with me, I was a very
special person and I was so patient, caring and always there. Even when she couldn't remember who I was.
Then finally...she called me and all her memories were back.
It was shortly after this that we got engaged. I also asked her to allow me to be her caretaker, to register me as one. I wanted to be there to help her no matter what.
The other...is a lot more heart wrenching for me. It's when the truth finally became evident to me, even though I wanted to deny it so badly. Bëkkä told me she was going in to see her therapist for another session and hoped to be more stable. She'd also given the therapist my number to call me in case things went wrong. We'd also devised another plan together in case she ever forgot me for a long period of time...or permanently. She didn't want to go without me, so we set up accounts on a website we frequented together and she laid out all the trail she would need to lead herself to log in, then we would start talking again. This way...I could hopefully bring her back, even if it took a long time to do so.
This time...she was gone for a week. But she did follow that trail to the website. And we started talking, but she had no idea who I was.
She could sense something wasn't right with me, so she kept bothering me about it. Finally I slowly started telling her a story. A story about two people that have fallen madly in love, but the woman has Schizophrenia and often
forgets her fiance. That it seemed like she had finally forgotten me and I wouldn't get her back. She was so sympathetic...then told me hadn't had a boyfriend in years and was about to go on a date. Bëkkä could sense something was off, so she offered to call me on her way to the post office. I agreed...and as soon as she answered I died inside a wee bit more. Her voice, slightly different tones and inflections. This was more painful then I wanted to admit.
You know, there are moments in life that make you believe in fate. I used to be a big believer in fate, but had given up on that for the most part. Until that day, that phone call.
Bëkkä and I were talking on the phone; well, I should say she was. I was trying not to let her hear me crying or think anything was off. This was the hardest thing I'd ever done, having to pretend that I didn't know her as to not
upset her already fragile mental state. She mentioned off hand that there was a huge package in the mailbox for her and was opening it; I wasn't paying much attention until she started reading a list of names.
On that list was my name. When she said my name out loud and that I was her boyfriend/fiance, I almost died. The next moment, she said it couldn't be for her and threw it away then left. I was freaking out, asking her to please
go back and get the package, that it was so damn important. At this point I didn't care about hiding the truth to preserve anything...she had thrown away perhaps the last chance I had of getting her back. I couldn't lose this opportunity. Bëkkä was so pissed off at me, demanding to know why I was yelling at a stranger to go get something out of the garbage. Finally I send her a picture of my ID and told her because my name was on that list. She thought I was crazy, was going to call the guards on me, the works. But finally she went back and got the package, called me an asshole and hung up. About an hour later she called back and apologized.
Bëkkä had mailed herself a package filled with all the pages with stories about us, journal entries, pictures of the house she wanted to live in with me. Everything she mailed before her last visit with her therapist. She had a feeling that this time she would forget me. She had also written how we had set up several different ways to lead her back to me, so that I could help her return to me. This was the first step...and it would take several more days before she would fully return to me. But even then...I knew things weren't going to be the same.
Bëkkä and I started joking around about the fact that our situation was like a story from a movie, where a man falls hopelessly in love with a woman that can't remember him. I mentioned that my favourite movie was The Notebook and we seemed to have a lot of similarities to them in that regard. I joked that I would have to write a story about us one day, to read to her so that she would always return to me.
My birthday was a few months back and that's when things got really bad. Bëkkä was supposed to be coming back to visit me for my birthday but canceled because of another appointment with her therapist. After another argument she started...she finally told me what I had already started to suspect. My Bëkkä wasn't the real personality after all; she was one of the five other fragments. That's why she would always disappear and forget me when she started taking her medicine more often
when I would ask her to. Even though I had already started suspecting as much, it still left a gaping hole inside of me to find out the truth. She was eventually going to cease existing...all our plans, our future...would be gone.
Bëkkä also explained to me that she was far more eradict because all the personalities were tired of fighting, that they couldn't sustain the mind any longer. If the real Bëkkä didn't come forth and stop hiding like she had all these years, then she would truly end up insane. She would end up living in a mental institution for the rest of her life. They were all so tired and just wanted to sleep.
We would spend pretty much every minute together we could for the next two weeks after my birthday. Talking, laughing, enjoying being together...everything a couple should. The last two days were the hardest of my life. Bëkkä was at peace finally...at least that's what she wanted me to think. Two days before she was to start taking all the medicine and go through a session that should help supress all the personalities she wanted me to make a decision. Either tell her to go, to take the medicine that would ultimately allow Bëkkä to function as a fairly normal person in society...or ask her to stay. She had already asked multiple doctors at this point about this very scenario and they all said we would have maybe four months before her mental state eroded to the point that she wouldn't be allowed anywhere else except a mental institution. She would do it for me...because she loved me and wanted to be there.
Do you know what it's like...to literally have someones life in your hands? The desire to be so selfish and tell her to stay...god I wanted that so badly. But..I knew in my heart that it wasn't the right choice. Bëkkä needed to be free of the voices, of all the turmoil.
When I told her as much...she broke down and cried. The first time I'd ever heard her truly do this. I was heartbroken and ended up doing the same myself. I couldn't help it.
I was supposed to see her the day before...but she never showed up. Instead...I got a phone call that lasted 8 hours. Then I got a text, telling me how much she loved me and wished she could have had the chance to be with her soulmate. I couldn't handle this...You're not supposed to get a good bye in this manner. I wanted a real good bye...but I wouldn't get one. I would get a good bye from all the other personalities, I would get to talk to them...but not from my Bëkkä. She hid away, not wanting to face reality.
That final day before, we devised a plan once more, except this time it wasn't to bring her back. It was to help the true Bëkkä and myself; she would need a friend and I would need someone...until I could walk away. There was no future with the Bëkkä that was coming out, she was a lesbian and had no interest in me. To say that this was surprising would be an understatement. I had never considered that ones sexual orientation or thoughts could be different depending on the personality. I would talk to her as a stranger again, help Bëkkä adjust to being out so to speak until she would no longer need me.
The time came and went for her, I was still hoping that she would find a way to return to me. My Bëkkä, not some fake version. Bëkkä would log on to Skype, but not from the one I always talked to her on. This was the signal...that my Bëkkä was gone...and probably for good.
Bëkkä and I would exchange messages a wee bit, but with no emotion there I was slowly curling up into an emotional ball wanting to die inside. Then a couple days later Bëkkä would message me and ask me about a memory that she didn't recall having before. Then more. Slowly, she was beginning to have fragments flood in. Then she remembered exactly who I was, how it had been set up for us to talk. But my Bëkkä never returned; her doctors believe it had to do with the fact that she was sick, the medicine for her illness was effecting her others. My Bëkkä is still gone and she won't be returning to me. I still can't seem to pull myself away from this new Bëkkä. She has needed my help piecing things and memories together, and make sure that I know she's sorry for making me dredge through memories of a love that won't return to me anymore.
We've come to call my Bëkkä Lily, so as to not confuse ourselves. All the other personalities had variations of Bëkkä...but only Lily's memories really seemed to return a wee bit. The medicine is working well for Bëkkä now, she's even acclimated to being interactive and having to do things. But it's still hard, she spent so long letting the other personalities out and hiding away in her head that she struggles with daily life sometimes. We talk...she knows that I love her...and she admitted that she has feelings for me, but she will never allow herself to be with me. Lily forgot who I was eight different times, ceasing to exist because of the medicine. Every time they thought they had removed every way for her to leave a trail to me, yet each time we found each other again. Bëkkä says that Lily and I are true soulmates, she feels that she took happiness away from me.
I've talked to her on the phone and Skyped with her many times in the three months since then. It's still extremely hard to hear a voice and see a face that I recognize, yet know that I'm a complete stranger. She doesn't want to meet me in person, says that it would be too weird. I might have to agree with her on that one.
I lay awake most nights now, too afraid of the nightmares that will surface. We had a huge future planned; marriage, kids, a house. All of that taken from me. In my dreams I see them sitting around our dinner table, asking me why I couldn't save mommy, why had I given up. I haven't and I won't. The thing that makes this hardest is that she's gone, completely and utterly. There is no grave where I can go mourn, she ceased to exist. All that I have left are the memories and the hundreds of texts...especially the last texts.
In the last text she said she loves me and would be waiting in our forever home for me, that we could start our next life together after resting there for a while. Bëkkä made a valid point...for she actually remembered that text. She said it must hav been hard to promise Lily something like that when we both knew that...if your not the primary personality, if you're not the owner of the body...then you have no soul. Therefore...Lily...my Bëkkä doesn't exist at all anymore. I'm alone with all these thoughts, these dreams...these memories. And they are just mine now.
I write all of this for a few reasons. Schizophrenia only affects 1% of the WORLDS population, 1% of the WORLDS population has Multiple Personality Disorder. Less then 1% have both. There is almost no real understanding on this subject; instead of trying to help these individuals, they just give them drugs then keep feeding them like this, giving them "therapy" sessions and claiming they are helping. This is all bullshit and I have a far better understanding of this now. Not even a quarter of that 1% ever goes on to have a normal relationship or a family. We wanted to break that mold so badly...and now we don't
get the chance to do so. I want people to understand more about these mental illnesses; they are real, the battles are terrifying and most people take for granted what they have. I won't anymore.
Writing this will hopefully help me take one more step forward, to move on in my life. I want to stay friends with Bëkkä, but I'm honestly not sure if that's the best thing. It's easy for her, the memories she has of me are extremely limited...while I have every last one. It's like I lived a whole life with someone, and now I'm the only one that remembers them. That's why I write this. I even told Bëkkä that I was considering turning our story into a novel or even a manga/anime. The latter medium seems rather well suited, they have other manga/anime covering real world issues like this and they are well received. But time will tell...perhaps I'll just want to forget everything all together.
I know logically that it's not possible, but I can't help thinking that she returned to me eight times. I know it's not logical...but I keep finding myself hoping, wishing...even praying...that she will somehow find her way back to me. Bëkkä even commented that she figured that's what I was hoping for but was kind enough to remind the that won't be the case this time. It's been three months now and she hasn't come back, except for a few memories. This time...she really is gone for good.
But it's okay to hope...right?
A chuisle mo chroí, you are Mo ghrá go deo Bëkkä...
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