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I’m back from Florida today. It was amusing.. On the car ride home I got sick though…even though nobody asked. I don’t know what I’m doing at this point…Kittie is taking me to a Coal Chamber concert on Tuesday so that should help cheer me up. I’m happy for everyone else around me, I have a feeling that when I say that people just think that I’m lying just so I’ll get sympathy…when, when I say that I’m being sincere. Kittie has a new boyfriend.. I’m happy for her. Ashley has her girlfriend now.. I’m happy for her. Michelle is doing good after the break up and is happy with her boyfriend.. I’m happy for her. Nicole has her Boyfriend and they are happy so I’m happy for them both. He’s lucky. I actually asked Gaia for her to be happy no matter what that means.



What was he to you? Everything that I could never ask of him.. How long did it last? For what forever may have seemed. Is there anything that can be done? No, just the acknowledgement that you all don’t hate me, and if someone could tell him to come home that would be great.

[ music | Cradle of Filth...Midian ]



Sometimes we imagine a world were forever has an ending and the thought of ever life is momentarily unbearable. A fire had lit in his mind, letting a tiny dribble of crimson stream from the right crevasse of his mouth. He unfolded from his crouched position leaving a smirk dancing across his lips.



I'm gone...so goodbye

[ mood | pissed+depressed+you name it! ]

[ music | My chemical Romance...I'm not okay(I promise) ]



God fucking damnit! Randy's gone and now today we all found out that another friend..Arron Anderson died in a car accedient yesterday with his girl-friend in whom I can not remember her name right now but she was so fucking nice! I miss all three of them..Three of my friends died it THREE FUCKING DAYS!...FUCKING MOTHER SHIT!!! WHY!!!?? I had to come home..I couldn't stay at school a couple other friends of his and mine went home today...Josi went home..Sam is trying to manage Suzy's a wreck and I don't blame her..I'm not okay either! I just want to fucking DIE! MY Boyfirend and best friend dies and now Arron...God damnit! I'm so drained I can't cry right now...I was crying in the shower this morning and I coudn't stand..That and I found out that Nicole and her boyfriend had their fifth month anerversery...but that's okay...I'm not complaining there. I'm happy for her. Really I am. WHY DID RANDY HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING STUPID!!?? Arron couldn't stop at the stop sign and hit a fucking truck! There was nothing they could have done but RANDY HE HAD TO FUCKING OD!!!! CHRIST! I feel bad for calling Nicole and telling her about Randy and everything...It's my problem no one elses...She didn't need to hear it...I most likely annoyed her with my whinning and shit. I hate to say this but POINT PROVEN=In the end we're all ALONE!!



THEY WERE TOO FUCKING YOUNG!

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | Godsmack..serenity ]



God this day can fucking go blow it up the ass! Today I could just kill myself for every god damn thing I did when he was here! Shit mother fuckers! I'm trying so hard not to bawl my eyes out! I can't see him being gone I can't! look at his pictures and it just doesn't go. He can't be. God I could fucking die! Death could be the right thing right now...maybe.





It was just like him to leave this way.



Glass and then you die: yesterday afternoon March 6th, 2005

[ mood | grateful ]

[ music | Cradle of Filth...Nymphetamine ]



Just a mix of self-questions...self-thought.



Do you smile often? Yes but it dosen't last. Has this symtom been difficult? No I hardly notice it. How do you feel now that it's over? I've never felt any better before in my life! Do you still dream about her? I had a dream about her last night but it didn't faze me. What do you feel for the situation? I don't feel anything for it. Because it's fine. What are your hopes? I will be with the one person that I care for the most.. Are you too close? Not as close as we both want to be she doesn't live by me at all. Why did this happen? She was scared. Is she better? Yeah, my birthday is coming up and then we'll be together. and I'll be out of this playtime. Smile and bare with it!

[ mood | contemplative ]

[ music | Marlyn Manson...Last day on earth. ]



Wow I knew that I'd lose what I was going to say. Well whatever... I feel like this again. I haven't felt this calm and not caring since two weeks into the spell was casted. I don't have a medium right now. It's either I don't care really and I'm deep into thought. Or I'm pissed beyond all compare.



Yesterday was quiet entertaining I took Kittie out and spent all $100. Not all of it went to her. $50 went to my Mother for car insurence, and $10 went to gas. I took her to a movie. It was good we saw Phantom of the opera. It wasn't a movie that I was particularly wanting to see but she did. Then we went to Apple B's and she made me let her pay for at least half the bill. So I let her and bought a cd because I have nothing better to do with my life nor my money. Oh yeah We also went to Racy's She'd never been there and I think she liked it. She likes that type of stuff. WE had a nice talk..Not one that I'm whilling to mention. Well anyways we went to Good Will and she got a new skirt for her boy friend. On the way home she told me he reminds her of me. That's nice. I've been told that a bit. I've also been told that I look like my Father.



Not to pounder on that.







He was never this kind.