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2 entries this month
I woke this morning afraid I was gonna live.
07:35 Jul 31 2007
Times Read: 645
Well well well were do we start this? Right now out of all honesty I feel like I could fall and fall down hard. I am clinging to my pillow because I am certain that the men in white coats are going to come in here and take me away any minute now, and if I hold on tightly enough maybe they won't put me in a straight jacket. I constantly feel drained with the fact that I have to go home. I finally go out to be with someone I love and I'm constantly trying to fight how I'm going to feel when I leave. The way my Mother constantly treats me like I'm my father, always coming to me when there is something wrong thinking i did it. The fact that she wont listen to me or even talk to me. Always ignoring the things that we have been needing to talk about for years. The way my sister is always pushing things in my face like the fact that my sister took over my room and painted over every single mural I painted in MY room. She took it over when I went into the army. I was in AIT and went into the hospital I soon went into a padded room when I found out that she was going to take it over. I actually was in there for two days during Thanksgiving. They let me come out once so I could call up my family. No way in Hell could I tell them where I had just spent the day in. I felt so horrible enough that I was getting chapter out of the army like hell that I was going to tell then about the room. She took over my life's work in paintings and now I have her old room that's about the size of a big walk in closet. But not only does she gloat about that, She brags on how Mommy gave her a branned new $1,100 lab top and for Christmas I got my Mother's 4 year old hand me down lab top that has constantly been giving me problems. When I got back home from AIT it was December 15 and everything was fine for the last half of the month but afterward I was so upset with my family that I moved out with my dealer of all people.... and you know what whatever relief a brief drug trip gave me was never enough. In this trailer was Dave and me... and we had his two dogs; one being a loud obnoxious pit bull that was only two years old. The other was a small energetic little fucker that liked to rial the other one up. We had no food over half the time....literly. We had no water period. We had no gas for heat. We had electricity to keep the electric heaters plugged up into. which we only had two. there were holes in the ground that we had to put small boards over it so our feet didn't fall through in the kitchen, the bathroom, the hallway and Dave's room. We didn't have running toilets so we couldn't flush. We had to get water from the neighbors and fill buckets up so we could pour the water in so we could go to the bathroom. We did however have a TV. a cell phone, a land phone, and a computer with internet. During that time I was on this site again. I was actually on VR a lot. I met this guy named Harley and we were sorta dating long distance well I didn't hear from him in forever so I just figured that we weren't dating anymore. From the time I wok up till the time I went to bed I was on VR. I was also constantly chain smoking, barley able to afford the cigarettes but still somehow managing to get lucky. And we paid for everything that we had with the money that we made selling pot and other random drugs. Constantly driving up to MN at least 5 times a week, in a car that didn't have heat either. I got pneumonia and decided that, that made me uber depressed so we got a hold of some acid. I didn't take enough that I was seeing some major shit but I could tell that I was on a 8 hour trip. Halfway through I ended up outside bawling my eyes out by a tree with just a black skirt, a red shirt, and a black jacket. not quiet winter anymore, actually it was raining really badly at one point and I had no shoes on. Walking on rocks and whatever else was out there for about 2 hours when I finally sat back down on the side of the tree and promised myself that I would get a hold of a very special friend of my named Miranda Hauglie. So I called her up and started hanging out with her and some of her friends. Ended up meeting someone that I liked. Dated for about 3 months and then he broke up with me over whatever flaws he found. I'm not completely crushed I just feel like there wasn't any closure. Now later down the road I meet Jason and I love him a lot. I know that he's here but I'm going to have to leave in about 8 days to go back home. Because when I got pneumonia I almost went into the hospital and my Mother dragged me back to her house. I've been trying to leave it ever since. But I haven't been able to keep a job for long enough that I can move out for bullshit reasons. So now the 15th of August is nearing me and I'm made to face it alone. Jason's not going to be physically with me and so far I can't find someone to go with me to visit my ex finance's grave. We were dating for two years and he passed away about 2 1/2 years ago. We had a set date to be married and I even had an engagement ring that I placed in his coffin at the wake. We were suppose to get married August 15 2007. So because of it I am going to wear a dress and go to his tombstone. I didn't have a wedding dress but I have found one that I think is very pretty.
I still think about the day he died and a statistic goes through my mind and then I think.....
500,000 Meth addicts can"t be wrong.
06:07 Jul 12 2007
Times Read: 658
Ahh well the last week or so was insane!!! I fucking got into a huge fight with Sam and I guess we're not friends anymore.....eh fuck her. I gave her too much of mine time and my money and my love and devotion. I did way to much for her and she just took me for granted. Her loss that's all I have to say. Soo umm yeah. I went on a huge trip on Shrooms and went into work the next day stoned... It was amusing I was no longer tripping out from the shrooms but I definatly felt wierd. That's all good because I got 7 sales in one fucking day! That's the best I've ever done in one day and it was not easy! Maybe I should get stoned more often because shit if I can do that good stoned...fuck yeah my pay checks are fucking awsome! I should be getting damn close to $25 an hour for this week!!! TEEHEE Plus i'm getting an extra $70...he he he he.
*Hugs thin air then realizes you're not there.....starts crying and falls to the floor......I just want to hug someone and fall asleep in his arms.*
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