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I am someone who was born in this world with very much lack of love and attention.

My parents never really gave me what I needed which is love and attention. why? because mother never wanted kids and also I was a burden to keep her from leaving father cause she is very dependent on money. She wanted to leave him and me but grandparents forbade her from doing so. Forced her to make some kind of vow, which if she ever leave both of us she got to forget about all the inheritance and money. Mother loved woman and not men and yet she at that time wasn't allowed to be with a woman. Cause that time was called blasphemy.



She also loved money and herself alot too, lazying and do nothing at all. being wild and free but mother also suffer from mental illness. Father on the other hand was spoiled too much by his mother. I dont hate his mother but hell why the bloody fuck she had to spoil him like that. the results today? he gets what he wants and do what he likes. If he dont get what he like or want or need he call names to his son and insult him with any word. If his son gets sick or ill, it doesnt matter, he got to get out of bed and do what his father needs or wants or its a war. Since his son was a kid, was treated like an object to satisfy his parents needs. his mother never cared if he got sick. "do me coffee, get me this and do me this, buy me cigarettes," and when her son needed something or help or was beaten up all she did say was always, not now, go to your father, its you who are always slow in running. you are weak.



when her son goes to the father, he say if you dont know to fight you are useless. not only you are brainless at school, now even dont know how to defend yourself? you bring shame, useless shit.



you are asking who is the son? The son is me. I am in a body of a female so mostly people see me as a girl and its fucking annoying when they call me daughter or girl or woman but all I see in me is a guy, who is afraid to be like parents if I grow up any longer. If I grow up anymore I become ill like the side of father, whether the heart disease or cancer, and am not afraid to die. but am afraid to become dependent of people and become a burden to them. even if they are the one who offer, I will feel sad cause I am the one who will ruin their lives and freedom and mentally become more heavy to them cause the mood of an ill person becomes so terrible that cant help to become horrid towards the one who is caring for. I know cause am going through shit after another. He never been grateful towards me and seen me as a nurse, servant and other but never treated me as his child. like am an unwanted little fucker. he call me all the time i am unwanted guest but needed. I dont want to be needed. I want to be wanted and loved.



Am afraid to be loved or people saying love you to me after all why? cause whenever my parents treated me like hell they said cause they love me so whenever I hear the word I love you, I run away from it cause something from it means I need you but I dont want you is coming. someone of them or a person is going to use me and throw me away. so love is scaring the shit out of me. am afraid of relationship why? cause in the future sex will come and since I am a transgender, even if the partner accepts me the way I am now and going to be with me through the transformation and all, till I become a fully fledged man (physically) I wont be comfortable doing sex with this body of a woman. I hate it and i feel disgust whenever I look at the mirror. i want to break every mirror there is around me and forget how i look till i get what i truly needs.



I am afraid of mirrors, time, and parenthood. I dont want to be a parent cause I might become more like father or mother in personality and make the child suffer. children are meant to be happy and loved and adored and feel safe with their parents and not mentally and emotionally abused and sometimes physically too.



I became suicidal through the years. yes I do admit. I am not bragging. I am simply saying what I became. All I see is cruelty and whenever there is warmth I run away from it cause or the person I love will break my heart soon or later or vice versa or he or she will die before I do. Or run away once they see my true nature, when i become more like mother or father. When I see a kid, I tear my heart apart and look away and feel shivers and flashbacks come back to me. whenever there is a birthday which is mine I feel sadder and sadder and whish I never had a birthday. I refuse to grow any older. at the age of 30 wish the angel of death comes to pick my soul with it and take me. I am afraid to make people around me suffer and I am afraid what I will become. A real heartless motherfucker. I dont expect anyone to understand my feelings or fear. I dont want anyone to preach which is something i fucking hate. In life I had enough preaching. If you cant understand what I feel turn away from me, if you can though fine stay but dont try to talk me out of it. accept me and my fears and that is all and we shall walk together till my time will come.



Ciaran

Easternstar/Bluefiredstone.