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My Granie was my everything.. She was and still very much is my biggest hero that I aspire to be even half the person she was in her life.. I often called her my angel because she was always there.. She often had to step up and be more of a mom than my own mother was.. I always knew that I had love and guidence and support in her arms, and I badly miss her and everything about her.. My granie passed in 08' and I have felt so lost ever since.. I still go see her from time to time, but its very hard to do so.. I've been experiencing so many changes in my life at the moment, and she always knew how to bring me out of any darkness I may be in.. Now matter how deep.. Since her passing I have had dreams of her.. Im always so happy.. I keep hugging and kissing her.. Holding her hand...And when she says she has to go it feels like I lost her all over again..She said something in my last dream that I just now caught.. She said " I have always been here, and I will always be here.. But I've handed the gift of keeping your happiness to someone I feel is truly worthy of it.. I cannot say where it is going to go.. Its purely up to you and the one I feel your safe with" And I feel that same happiness I used to feel from my granie mixed with what I had already felt.. At times I sware shes in the room.. But none of this clicked for me till today.. I have to back track to explain.. Friday my bf stayed the night.. I always sleep real well.. Better than usual actually.. But three times in a row that I fell asleep I saw her face for a split second and she would say each time "Your disregarding what I said.. Wake up and look" So I would.. Didnt get what the hell she was talking about.. So today I get a link from my brothers wife.. She sent me the link to the song that my uncle and I picked for her funeral. Boyz ii men- A song for momma.. I figured it had been long enough.. Nope.. wrong.. And thats when shit clicked.. Is she talking about the person that's in my life.. I didn't understand somethings she said in life.. She always had a way of teaching me but letting me fid out on my own.. I guess even though she isnt here she's still my same angel.. But even more equipt to keep me safe..

Im so aggrivated with myself.. I just always seem to put myself in a postion that isnt good for me.. Like for instance.. I can be in the best mood and I see a few things that dont strike me as correct and then im aggrivated, but I do it to myself.. I dont understand it.. all well.. coco pebbles is calling my name..

So I just found out that a woman I grew up knowing as a sweet and very caring person has been charged along side of her daughter on capital murder charges.. They are being charged for the murder of her grandaughter.. A 2 year old that took some brutal abuse by both her mom and her grandmother.. The reports say that the childs mother hit her in the head and that the childs grandmother then took it apon herself to choke this 2 year old and pick her up and throw her on the ground knocking her unconious.. She has a 1yr old sister that is in the hospital with injuries as well, but alive.. What the hell is going on in this world. I have three of my own and many others that belong to friends that I look at in the same light.. I would never bring any harm to these little ones. I couldnt even fathom it.. But I tell you what.. Let someone try and see if you walk away breathing.. I hope the worst kind of punishment lands on these sorry excuses for human beings.. I wish they would just tie them both to a chair and allow every mom and grandmother to just wail away.. I would be front row and center.. I see this shit on the news everytime I watch it, and it always effects me the same.. I cant believe there are people in this world that are blessed with children and decide that just because you gave birth to them that you are free to beat and kill them.. I take my role as a mother very seriously.. And i know if there is one thing that I will do right on this earth it will be being the best mother I can to my little ones, and any others that may enter my life.. Just goes to show.. You dont really know anyone as well as you do.. Cant wait till they have to face judgement.. God will deliver much more punishment than our court system.. Damn.. im so sickened by this..

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fallenangel51
06:17 Oct 22 2010

Probably should not quote the Bible but this brings to mind a verse from it.



Luke 17:2 It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend (hurt) on of these little ones.



Yes they will face a punishment our courts cant not give them.

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MrSickle
15:12 Oct 22 2010

We can wish all day that invisible forces will change or judge people but that doesn't take away the pain and suffering of this world.



There is a sickness amongst people, of that I have no doubt. How could a healthy person ever intentionally injure and kill their child? People need help.

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I am longing for a explaination on something.. I love music that I feel represents Ireland.. Just that sound.. Feels like its not playing from the speakers.. It feel like its playing from my soul as corney as it sounds..I also enjoy pictures ive seen from trips.. And one day I plan on going to Ireland.. I have dreams about it.. Quite frequently actually.. Not always the same thing, but I always have the same person with me in every dream.. Experiencing every minute with me.. One of my favorite frequent dreams I have..I just really have that one, and another that I have offten.. and I should add.. I do have roots in Ireland in my family tree, but I know many that have the same in their tree but have love for anything like that.. So why am I so crazy over this.. Ive just always been so drawn to it.. Like its just fluid for me to love everything about it.. Hmmm.. Perhaps im just weird.. lol

Im excited and happy.. Im so shocked at the amount of happiness I feel these days as of late.. I am wondering why i didn't do this sooner.. *BONK* Should'a had a v8.. lol

Life has been a whirl wind of emotions and thoughts as of late.. Such a mixture all at one time I have to sit down, and take a moment to let everything sink in. While rediscovering myself, and trying to once again be comfortable in my own skin i've learned so very much. I've learned that you can't make anyone happy until your truly happy yourself. I've learned that life goes on beyond this.. I am living it, and enjoying it with the best people at my side that I could ask for. When I go to sleep at night I am so happy, and so very greatful for everything I have. Whereas before I was laying there saying "WHY ME!?!?!?" Im looking at the world in a whole new view.. I seem to find beauty in even the most questionable site.. I don't second guess anymore, but rather fully weight things out before I make my desicion. I take reasponsibility for the things I do.. No matter how bad.. Because I have three kids watching... And someone I care for deeply, and I want them to know at all cost that no one is perfect but at least stand by what you do.. Take it as a lesson... Cause thats all life is really... one huge class.. But its up to us to take the things that have happened and pull the postive out of it.. Remember the things you learn from your life experiences.. Dont turn it inward and kill yourself with it.. Take it for what it is.. I do.. And things are looking up.. I still have alot more work to do to be where I want to be.. But I know im on the right track this time.. At the end of all of this.. I will be more wise.. Have more under my belt to teach my lil ones about when it comes to facing this world and being able to make it as sanely as possible.. And I know some of my friends that keep an eye on my journal are going to ask about this special person, but im keeping that to myself till he gives me the ok to.. So dont ask.. lol.. I will write more soon..

Upset..

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Laila696
23:37 Oct 05 2010

aww *hugs*

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So I hate doctor offices.. And I hate more than anything that they are all sooo damn cold like you waiting in a morgue.. Makes me feel very confident when I am going to the doctor.. And they have to know how much it kills people to be in there alone.. Just dying to know what is in the drawers.. I always want to look but I am too chicken shit to do so.. Cause I seem to be the one percent on everything.. and I would be the person that gets walked in on my the doctor.. Holding a tube of lube.. With one of those things they look down your throat with hanging out of my mouth.. With all the machines on.. going full blast and straight up deer in the headlights look on my face going on.. And I am sure all I would do is sit down and try to carry on the apointment like I didnt just make a compllete ass out of myself.. Smile and say.. So whats the news doc.. :)

So instead I sat there day dreaming about what I would like to do.. Gettiing annoyed by the sound of the door in the next room sqeaking like hell.. no reception.. Just stuck in a room of... boredom.. lol