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my soul is lost because of the darkness i feel that's always around me i just dont know what to do anymore i want to end this feeling i always feed from peoples emotions i just cant help it sometimes it makes me feel i dont know i been this way since i was young i just did'nt understand why i felt so sad when i was around alot of people.
i also feed off engery from storms wind and sometimes other people but they dont know that i'm doing it..
if i dont feed i get really bad headaches i also get very moody but i learned to control it when there's alot of people around me my family dont know anything about the lifestyle i live i'm not the same person they use to know i changed alot through out the years.
when my mom passed away back in 2015 and then 4 years later my dad passed away cause of cancer losing both my parents years apart made what i was going through alot worse then it was before they passed.
there are times i wish i could end it all but i know now its apart of me its who i'm
i guess i'm still going through my awaking i can feel it deep inside of me
sometimes it feels like someone's trying to tear my body apart and rip my soul right from my body.
i tell myself that its all going to be alright i will make it through it one way or another
i get so scared at night when i have to go out to the store i feel like someone's following me but when i look behind me there is no one there i take a deep breath and keep walking even though the feeling someone's following me is still with me i pace my walking alittle faster.
why do i get these feelings when i go outside at night?
i even get the feeling that someones outside my bedroom window watching me at night
(takes a deep breath and sighs)
there's no one around to help me through this so i got to teach myself about what's going on with me i always pray that my mom be with me through all this
i know she is i can feel her around me all the time i even sometimes can smell the purfume she use to wear its like its being sprayed around my room and i dont even wear them and it dont even scare me cause i know she would never harm me in anyway she's just here to protect and whatch over me.
i know i'm rambleing on..i just dont have anyone to talk to about all this no one that will understand or even know what i go through daily

well its way passed my slumber time and i'm getting a really bad headache cause i need some sleep been along day for me..hope everyone had a good thanksgiving

goodnight and sweetdreams

I could not think of eatting anymore right now cause i'm so damn full i could bust
as soon as i got home from my other aunts house i had to walk to the store for some smokes and pop eh its so damn cold outside my aunt judy just dont understand cause she was'nt out there long enough to know how cold it was but even if its snowing i still would have to go to the store she has'nt walked to the store in a long time since she has me to do it for her sighs
now i get to sit back and just relax before bed time for me.
i just took my meds for the night which makes me alittle tired but i'm getting used to it now since i been on them for awhile now..
my aunt is laying on the couch watching tv well i'm here on VR doing what i do the best lol

oh great now what ugh...i talked to my ex husband lastnight for a long time he wants to try and work things out between us he says that he loves me and that he was sorry for everything he has done to hurt me he also wants to start dating (ugh nooo why me) i never thought for a second that he would ever want to be with me again i told him that i kinda enjoy the single life right now and that i was working on myself at this moment i also told that i will always love him and there will always be a empy spot for him in my heart...and then he went on to tell me that we have a new grandchild and that he has'nt spoken to our daughter in along time that she moved another state to be with her husband.
i was in alot of shock and disbelieve after all the shit he told me i really dont know what to think or say to him i know for one thing i sure the hell dont want to be with him i dont really think it would work out were two differant people from two differant side of the world.
i dont think i could trust him with my heart or my life after all the shit he put me through and how he broke a promise that he made to my mom back in 97 he promised my mom he would protect me and keep me safe which he broke years ago it really pissed me off i wanted to tear his life apart just like he did to me.
and now he thinks i will put my life on hold just to be with him so he could start to control me yet again i hate to brake it to him but there is no way in hell will he ever get to control or run my life i learned the hard way when i was married to him to not allow any man to run my damn life or even tell me what i can or cant do his favorite thing was to control reather i could go out with my friends for a girls night out he never allowed me to do that i had to sneak out of the apartment just to have some fun in my life and that i did...yeah he was mad as hell when i got home late ended with us fighting.
i dont think i could ever date him we tried and it did'nt work out that was back when i lived in algonac i did'nt even cry when he broke it off with me i just told him to take me home and we stopped talking then cause i had nothing to say to him anymore thats when i started to work on myself and to get my world back together and my heart healed after it was shattered into tiny little pieces.
i'm sorry if i'm rambling to much but i just had to get it all out it was bugging me to death
what should i do about it? should i tell him no that i cant date him?
i just dont know what to do

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Vampireking777
18:09 Nov 26 2019

Well that sounds like it is time to move on hun as kyriaragnar33 is my ex on VR but we don't talk anymore for alot of reasons and cant be trust from my experience but I move on cause it what it is worth to you as something are not so easily forgiven

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DreamEscape
18:28 Nov 26 2019

yeah but the shit that man put me through can never be forgiven cause it hurt me that bad it took my heart a very long time to heal and its still healing after all these damn years has been complete hell for me...but the good thing that came from the marrage is my sweet daughter

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Vampireking777
20:10 Nov 26 2019

Well what im saying look at the bright side of your suffering came your daughter that what I told my mother after her last marriage and had my sister at 40

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DreamEscape
20:23 Nov 26 2019

yeah i'll be 46 next year and man do i feel old cause my daughter will be 25 this year seems like yesterday she was 17 and pregnant with her first child now she had a second child and moved to another state..my ex husband rubs alot of shit in my face about how i use to be back in the day...there are times i just want to smack him right in the face and walk away laughing..but i guess its just life and i have to deal with it and learn to go on with my life and just forget about the stuff i went through

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Vampireking777
08:40 Nov 27 2019

Ya I see my just turn 56 so why feel bad about the past that you cant change and learned from it just means you have out grow him when he has no place to over look what he did it's foolish but with age comes wisdom as we blame are self for not knowing better but it how we learn because you know what is true in your heart and what is the best for you and daughter so let him live in the past

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DreamEscape
16:18 Nov 27 2019

oh i will he has no place in my world

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Vampireking777
16:59 Nov 28 2019

😊good for you just trying to help

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DreamEscape
21:10 Nov 28 2019

thanks

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i never been abused by my ex husband all he did was cut me down and call me all kinds of name but that did'nt started happing until i gave birth to our daughter and that's when he turned into a differant person i was deeply in love with the man and very happy to have a small family with him but i never thought for a minute he would treat me like that all i wanted was to be the best mom that i could be.
but things turned really bad after she was born his mom started to come around more aften then she ever did before she ounce told us that she wanted nothing to do with us or the baby when its time to have her...but as soon as she came into this world his mom and dad came to see faith i wanted to tell her to get lost and never come back but i did'nt have the damn nerve to do so.
my daughter was my world and ment everything to me it really teared me apart when she was taken fro me by my ex and his damn mom she was'nt even amonth old when they had her taken from my arms all i wanted to do was hold her in my arms and just watch her grow up but it did'nt end up like that my whole world was turned upside down that day i felt so empty inside so i turned to drinking and drugs just to drown the sadness that i was feeling.
years later i got to see my daughter at my grandma's wake i was so happy to see her even though my ex and his whole family was there also but hey else i got to see my babygirl that day she was 7 years old at that time she even called me mommy and she called my ex mother inlaw mom which broke my heart to the point that i told faith that barb was not her mom but her grandma i was her birth mom and that was all she needed to know at that time.
years passed til i saw her again cause she looked for me and found me i got to spend a week with her it was so nice for us to get to know eachother again she was 17 years old and foundout that she was pregnant with my handsome grandson but that was the last time i saw her until she had danny she eneded up bring him to my place so i could see him but she wanted me to watch him well she went out with her friends well it turned out that we had him close to amonth before she came and got him and that's what she used me for is a babysitter when she needed me.
well i have not seen my grandson in over a few years now..now i have another grandson whom i will never get to see cause she is such a little bitch towards me all because i was'nt in her life when she was growing up i tried telling her that it was'nt my falt that i was not allowed to see her my ex mother inlaw hated me and faith knew that and she also knows the truth about what really happened that night she was removed from my life and my world.
i became a differant person after faith stopped visiting me and now i have a new grand child which brings joy to my heart to know that and i also have a son inlaw to which i never got to meet just yet i'm hoping that faith comes to her senses and come over with the kids and let them get to know their grandma.

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Vampireking777
09:22 Nov 25 2019

Hey im sorry to hear this and happed to friends I knew and my life I have a mother that had 3 broken marriages 3 father's hardly ever see and a broken family that no one talks to each other we all have a story hun😕

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DreamEscape
16:50 Nov 25 2019

yeah but it made me hate my ex husband more then anything in the world cause of what he put me through back then i wasted 3 years of my life with the man

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Vampireking777
20:30 Nov 25 2019

Well it all a learning experience my mom hates men but I tell her people change for the worst and giving them that energy will not better things cause I hate my ex to but it wont change anything or give you happiness it all part of the lesson

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DreamEscape
22:39 Nov 25 2019

i agree with you on that..i just had my ex wanting to try again after all these years of being divorce and now he's saying that he is sorry for all the bs he has put me through when he and i were together that was back in 93 and then in 96 i gave birth to my daughter then in 97 he served me with divorce papers so its been along time since he walked out of my life with my daughter in his arms.

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Vampireking777
17:58 Nov 26 2019

Ya it never to late to do the right thing my dear

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DreamEscape
18:34 Nov 26 2019

i know but its hard sometimes to do the right thing

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here i'am another day each day is differant for me i woke up at 7am for some reason i dont normally wake up until like 11 or noon it all depends on how tired i'am so now i'm sitting here drinking coffee and typing in my journal...i need to take my meds i just dont feel like it right now but i know i have to just to keep me calm and my mind from going crazy ugh i dont know about myself anymore i dont even know me anymore hav'nt in a long time now i feel lost and alone on some stuff.
i checked my blood presure few days ago and it still reads over 200i keep waiting few days and then chck again and it still reads 200 going to go see the doctor soon about it and see if theirs read the same i'm hoping it dont.
plus i think i came down with a cold from when i was at lana's for a week since i did'nt have a winter coat and it was really cold outside sucks when i had to go outside to smoke cause lana dont smoke but hey that is life and i'm use to it since i been going to lana's for years now its the only way for me to be able to relax sometimes its like my home away from home when i go there we been friends since high school she's my rock when i need someone to lean on when i'm having a bad day she's always there for me no matter what.
we might have our little fights here and there but its not offten that it happens...shes like a sister to me even though her parents dont like me for some reason well they use to like me i just dont know the reason now i'm not really a bad person..yeah i do have my days where i want to kill someone or just beat the shit out of them with a stick haha.
i been trying to keep my life together but sometimes i find it really hard to do...sometimes i find myself in complete darkness even though there's alot of light around me i still see darkness in my soul.
i never talk to my family about whats going on with me they wont ever understand about the new me yeah infront of them i act like the old heather but when their not around me well its a differant story no one really understands me and they never will..i keep the voices and the things i have seen to myself so they wont think i'm going crazy cause i'm not crazy its all truse i do see and hear things i would never wish this on anyone its a nightmare cause the voices aint normal sounding and the things i see well they aint normal either..i live in my own fucking nightmare that never ends no matter how loud i scream for help no one can hear me and when i reach out my hands there is no one there to reach out for.
i'm alone in this i have to learn to deal with this so called life of mine that i had since i was a baby even though back then i was a normal child growing up with a normal life i was given whatever i wanted even though my family was poor as fuck but they always found away to buy me what i wanted.
all this did'nt start until i was told i had bipolar and ptsd that was 2014 well in 2015 my mom got pulled from life support and i had to say goodbye to her that's when all this really started with the voice's and vissions talking about this makes me want to cry but i try hard not to i feel like a lost cost sometimes i even lock my pain away and just fake a smile around my damn family so they dont see the pain i feel daily.

well i know i'm boring so i'll end my ranting here for now
until the next time..have a great day
your's truly DreamEscape

its been along night its about time for me to go to bed
and dream again hope its a good dream and not one of those
that wakes me up screaming ugh i hate those type of dreams

I have been going through my facebook just seeing whats going on there since its been along time since i been on there i dont hardly even get on it kinda bores me to the point of falling asleep at the keys i use to hooked on facebook playing games there and writing whats on my mind back then.
but now its not a thing for me anymore i reather be on here its like my own space where i can just relax and level my account and sometimes even write in my journal which makes me happy to the point i smile which i hardly do anymore cause of all the shit thats been going on in my damn life this is a life i wish i did'nt have.
when my daughter was taken from me she was just a newborn baby that day made my whole world crash down on me i never felt so much fucking pain in my whole life but when she was 17 she found me and stayed a week with me asking me alot of stuff and i was being truthful to her letting her know that her grandparents and her dad were the ones that had her taken from me i broke down crying infront of her she gave me a hug and at that time she foundout that she was pregnant with her son i was so happy for her.
now she's in her 20s and already gave birth to my second grandson i could not believe i was a grandma again but the bad thing is i dont even get to see my grand kids at all which kills me deep inside it makes the pain i feel right even worse then before i dont want to feel this much pain in my heart anymore i want it to end

i been up since 3am this morning talking to my aunt judy and playing minecraft
starting to get alittle tired its hitting me like a brick my body cant do this anymore
this getting up so damn early i'm used to sleeping in until 10 or 12 depending on
how tired i'am or what time i went to bed i think i hit the bed at about 9pm lastnight
which i normally dream strange freaking shit when i go to be so damn early but when i
go to bed late then i hardly even dream.
guess it all depends on how tired i really am
i'm just getting to damn old to even stay up late like i use to back in the day
i use to stay up for days and then sleep alot my body now tells me hell no you cant do this anymore my health has gone to shit with high blood presure a bad back which causes me alot of pain all the time and then comes my bipolar and ptsd i even sometimes seem to see shit that no one else can or even hear things that cant be heard from anyone else's ears i feel like i've gone fucking crazy i cant explain whats going on with me.
cant seem to get my mind to shut down most of the time its always spinning around never ending my life story will never end there always will pages added as time goes by and more goes on in my life why cant i get my damn mind to stop spinning?
my life really sucks at times no one understands what i go through daily
i always have voices in my head that never stops talking their always telling me to do something but i try to ignore them but when i do it only gets worse i dont hardly talk about it cause people would think i was crazy and belongs in a nut house which i dont
its just a part of me i guess something i'm gonna have to learn to live with for the rest of my life i feel like crying right now.
my life has been one strange thing i deal with alot of shit
and alot of stress along with some drama in my damn family
yeah i love them very much but there are times i need to get away from them so i can get things straighten out in my life and have time to myself that i never get being apart of this damn family does sometimes suck but like i said before i love them all with every beat of my heart.
the only way to keep me calm is to let me be alone and just play my playstation4
its my way to stay centered and keep from going fucking crazy or just going off on someone which i dont want to happen so i just keep playing my games and listening to some music
which makes me really happy which hardly happens anymore these days.
my life is filled with darkness it has always been like this since my parents both passed away 4 years apart i really do miss them there is not aday that i dont think of them
i'm always thinking of them no matter what i'm doing they always come across my mind it makes me feel lonely and very sad.

i sometimes allow myself to be pushed around by my family
which really pisses me off cause i'm a grown woman
and should be able to do what i want when i want
yeah i love and adore my family very much i dont know
what i would do without them in my life i always
been really tight with my family.
i even sometimes go to my aunt roses for the
weekend i really enjoy spending time with her
we're only 9 years apart i like doing stuff with
her and her family meaning
her kids and husband.
..................................

i saw a picture of my new grandson so cute and handsome and so is
my other grandson danny i miss that little boy so much wish my daughter
would grow up and let me see my grand kids.
she wont even allow me to see danny cause of the shit that has been put into her damn head about me and now she holds it against me it was the past but she dont see it that way
she's mad at me cause she was taken from me when she was just a newborn baby and was raised by my ex-inlaws.

I got on facebook today after along time not being on
to find a post from my ex eli he was butt hurt over me
braking our friendship up after knowing eachother for
12 years.
then i went back on to findout that he took down the post
i left for him i was alittle pissed about it
he needs to grow some damn balls and man up
and stop acting like a damn child he's in his 30s
he needs to act like it.
and then i got a friend requst from my ex husband
what the hell does he want from me yeah i accepted

him as a friend but that dont mean i will go back with
him.
i looked on his page just to findout i have a new grandson
i was so happy faith looked so happy in the picture hold the
baby and then i also findout that a great aunt of mine has
passed away yesterday i was like oh wow
i did'nt even cry maybe its because i never even got to
see her.

well today i had to wake up and walk up to walgreens to get meds for my aunt and some smokes for us
my back is killing me from walking to far ugh i hate it when my back acts up like it does as soon as i got home i sat my ass down for awhile and watched some mash with my aunt and we talked about some stuff yeah we do get along alot better then we did back in 2014 in that time i was having a very bad time my moods were so messed up to the point where i got put into the hospital for aweek which i wanted to get out of there so bad that i kept asking my mom to get me out of there i was crying so hard i could'nt breath it was such a bad time for me.
but now i been in a lot better mood cause of my meds i been taking it keeps me from going off on people yeah i still have my down time where i feel like i want to go off on someone or just a dont fuck with me mood.

I can remember the night the darkness came and covered me up like a blanket i could'nt see anything my heart started to pound really fast my whole body started to shake i did'nt know what was happening to me i tried to get away but it was like it was holding me down i wanted to scream but nothing came out.
it felt like something was taking over my body i want to get out and run but i just could'nt my life became very dark that night i use to be this sweet good hearted woman but that day i lost everything i ever loved or needed in my life was the day my whole world came crashing down on me.
the only way i can forget about what's going on in my life is to play games and talk to lana on skype she kinda helps me to forget about everything that happened to me with me being raped and losing my parents and my aunt being really sick its kinda hitting me really hard all i want to do is forget everything and act like nothings going on in my life i want it to go back normal the way it use to be back when i was younger when i had both my parents and they were healthy and young i miss them very much my life is'nt the same since they passed and left me all alone yeah i got my family but its not the same as having both of my parents here with me to see me through the hell i'm going through in my life.
i want to forget and just go on with my life

what am i going to do about the hell that's going on within my life?

do i sound like a mean person for braking off a friendship all because he over talked everyone and he acted like a real Master for so many years and i believed him i was his sub for many years he never kepted me in place when i needed it i always knew the right bottons to push on him just to test him i wanted to know if he was a true Master or not but i foundout the truth on that that's when i told him that i was leaving him as his sub and i called him a fake cause he did'nt know anything about the bdsm lifestyle i told him that i wanted a true master someone that knows about the lifestyle and what he's doing i need someone that can keep me in place when i need it.
i dont feel bad about what i did he really deserved what he got he never been there for me when i really needed a friend to lean on when my world came crashing down on me the only friend that was there for me was my bestfriend lana she gave me her shoulders to cry on when i needed it the most i never thought i would ever say goodbye to him but i did
now i can relax with a calming mind and be able to talk to lana without having someone talk over me that really pissed me off when he did that i felt like yelling at him but i kept my mouth shut the whole time well he was in the call with us
i never felt right when he was in the call it was a dark feeling that i felt around him
my world was'nt the same when he was in it so i got rid of him now that he is gone i can start a fresh chapter in my life and see where that chapter takes me it makes me feel brand new i can now spend some alone time with lana when we are together it was so nice to be at her place for a week i got to do some soul searching well i was there and that's when i told eli that i no longer wanted him in my life i wanted to get my life back together and now i can i'm so happy and calm yeah i still feel kinda dark but now that i can write a new chapter and see how it goes.

i had to type all this out before i go back to bed
i tend to forget about what i want to say
thats why i typed all this out

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Dakotah
11:38 Nov 16 2019

Nope, you do not sound like a mean person at all for breaking off a relationship where you did not get the basic of needs met. Sounds like your being healthy for yourself to me.

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Dakotah
11:39 Nov 16 2019

You know it is ok to put yourself first sometimes. :) Just saying...

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DreamEscape
16:09 Nov 16 2019

thank you so much

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this is to Liliancat and dakotah
i hardly know you two but you guys seem so sweet and kind to people
i will be praying and sending postive thoughts and lots of love her way
keep your head up dakotah she will pull through this the angels are
with her wrapping their loving arms around her when she needs it the most

we are all here for you and Liliancat
keep good thoughts

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Dakotah
11:39 Nov 16 2019

Thank you so much for this.

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DreamEscape
16:07 Nov 16 2019

your so welcome
anytime you need to talk i'm here to listen

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i got home at about 2pm from lana's
had alot of fun being with her even though i had my family bugging me about going home early but i did'nt i stayed there and played games with lana until she got tired we laughed until we just could not breath haha.

thanks lana for having over for the week
i had alot of fun
hope we can do it again soon

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PyroScales
05:39 Nov 15 2019

your welcome sis I did have fun and would do it all over again,

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the day i lost my mom was the day i lost everything
part of me went with her when she passed away i just could'nt handle it
my mind and soul got lost that day it was the most pain i ever felt i just could not handle it
i fell to my knees that day and just screamed really loud
thank god i had my bestfriend there with me when we had to pull the plug i watched as my mom's heart stopped and she slowly slipped away from me i lost my very first friend the day she was taken from me oh how i miss her...i can still hear her voice calling out my name when she wanted me for something i never thought the day would come to where i had to say my last goodbye and let go of the most beautiful woman ever.
yeah i still have her twin but its not the same as having my mom

Thanks Lana for new profile design.

i hear voices that wont stop its like their calling out to me wanting me to do stuff that is not good but i try to fight them within my mind it never ends it only gets worse when i get stressed or angery i dont like it i want it to end so i can have a empty mind and be happy once again i forgot how it feels to be happy...i never had these voices until a few years ago after my mom passed away is when they started up i even try to ignore them but they get louder when i do.i might seem crazy but i'm not its just how things are with me i can act like nothings happing and just hide the voices in my head.
i even see things or spirits.
i remember back in the day i was hanging out with my step sister and a friend of her's we went to smoke weed with a guy at the local pool field to come findout he had the weed laced with something that could of killed me that night i was at my moms sleeping on the couch when i looked towards the front door i saw a young girl wearing a white dress and her hair up in a pigtails her face was half gone and there was blood coming from her face the blood was all in her hair it scared the living shit out of me i covered my face with the blanket i kept telling myself it was'nt real thats when i uncovered my face and she was gone.
a few months later i was sleeping soundly when i opened my eyes and saw a man dressed all in black with a tophat on his head and his face with white paint on it he came close to my face and looked me in the eyes i was so scared that i closed my eyes for a min and then opened them back up and he was gone.
he has not showed back up in years thank god i dont ever want to see them again it was the worst thing that ever happened to me back then i did'nt understand what was happening to me i thought i was going nuts and then i learned what it was i was seeing spirits or ghosts if you want to say that i learned to control it when i dont want to be bothered by them or even see them.

what am i gonna do about it?
am i going insane?

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Vampireking777
10:11 Nov 09 2019

Well my dear you have the gift to hear and see the dead and over time you Learn how to handle this gift

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my life was full of happyness and love i was always given what i wanted from my parents i always had family around me growing up yeah my parents always had their fights my dad was a mean man when it came to my mom he always beated her up but i know he loved her in his own way he never harmed me i was his only child it came one night well my dad was at work my mom packed us up and we moved i was 5 years old when my parents divorced..my dad ended up with someone new i was 7 years old when i met the woman she had 4 kids that he acted like a dad to..i did'nt mind him being with her cause i was young at the time but when i turned 13 he started treating me differant he was always to busy with his new family to even spend time with me him and i started to grow apart after he begain to show up less and less always saying he was to busy with his new family that really made me think that he did'nt love me or even think of me as his daughter anymore what made him change like he did back then.
after i grew up and started to have a life of my own even had my own family he started to want me back in his life we were starting to get closer when he passed away from cancer as my dad gotten older he started to become more nicer..there are times i wish i could turn back time just to spend more time with my dad it would make me very happy.
i use to go next door to have coffee with him and just to talk i was trying to make our father and daughter realaship alittle better then it was back in the day i never thought i would lose both parents a few years apart the only way i see them now is in my dreams which is'nt alot.

damn i miss them so damn much it kills me deep inside
i know that one day i will see them again but not until my chores on earth is through and i get done with living the best life i know how

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Mroneperfect
19:17 Nov 05 2019

Hey there

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i wish i had someone to talk to about my promblems but it seems like no one wants to listen they seem to turn their back on me when i feel the need to speak whats on my mind or even whats troubling me about things.
ever since the day my mom passed away leaving me with the people that dont really care about me like she did yeah they love me but they dont care about me or my mental health they always tell me everythings gonna be alright you'll get through it so it got to the point where i hide my feelings from them.
thats why i like being on my own and left alone where i can think about things sometimes i feel like cutting again just to relive the pain i'm feeling deep inside my soul and heart when my mom passed away my world fell down around me it became very dark and very lonely in my world yeah i got my family but they dont understand what i go through on a daily basies having to take meds to help keep me in a calm state to where i wont blackout and do something stupid i try to keep myself away from things that would make me want to explode and go off on everyone around me all i want to do is relax and keep my mind free from any stressful and unwanted drama.
what am i gonna do? what can i do but just lock myself away from everyone that brings stress into my world and makes me want to show what can happen when i get upset or stressed out it sucks having these mentel health all i want is for people to understand what its like having ptsd and bipolar it can bring a person down when we have flare ups.
there are times i dont even understand whats going on with me but i learn to deal with it sometimes i feel like i'm going fucking crazy and losing my damn mind
is'nt there anyone out there that understands what i'm going through?

i walk down the beach the sand between my toes and the sun hitting my face i see someone down the way as i get closer they seem to far away i try to call out to them but they cant hear me i feel the fear of being alone the hot tear rolls down my face my body starts to shake i never knew the feeling until today i wonder who they were and what they wanted from me their soul was lost from this world all they want is to be found and send to where they belong.

written by
DreamEscape

it might be stupid but i tried haha

i remember this one dream i had as a little girl it was of me and my dad walking down a street that had woods by it we were holding hands when two cars pulled up beside us and men dressed in all black got out of the cars one took my dad and the other took me they put a cloth over my mouth and i fell asleep and when i came to i was in a room by myself i could hear my dad fighting and yelling at someone in the hallway i could not open the door cause it was locked from the outside but some how i ended up getting out of the room and i found myself running down a long hallway it seemed like it never ended but i got to a door i could hear my dad yelling and pleding for his life when i opened the door i saw my dad tied up to a long tree cutter and by the time i got to my dad it was to late he was cut in half thats when i woke up in sweat i can never forget that dream it felt so real well i was young when i had that dream dont even know why i had a dream like that i guess i'll never know the reason its like burned into my head never to forget it.it was the worst dream i had ever had in my life i mean i had dreams but not that bad

I wonder around clueless of whats going on around me i ignore the drama and go on with my life i been playing alot of minecraft with lana trying to build up my world i had to start over again which sucked cause i did alot of work on my old world but i guess life goes on and you learn to deal with it and thats what i been doing is dealing with my life and the damn drama that goes on in my family it seems that it never ends it got even worse after my mom died few years ago man it does'nt seem that long ago that my mom passed away.
tonight i been alittle jumpy for some reason all the damn noise coming from lana'a end has been making me jump like fucking crazy ugh i want to scream very loudly right now but i'm trying not to though cause my aunt is watching tv and trying to sleep (sighs)
i guess my ptsd is acting up right now and that is why i'm being jumpy and all that good shit even fireworks made me jump i never been like this until 2014.
ugh my fucking aunt is driving me insane right now she keeps calling me out to the livingroom i cant even relax when shes drinking there are times i dont even play games cause when i do i always get called(ugh)

well hello there
i know its been afew days since i wrote an entry i thought i would today...i have been going through alot of shit the past few days that i been hiding from the ones i love and care about i reather not speak of it and keep it hiden deep within my dark soul.
i been dealing with my aunts drinking lately and its been getting on my damn nerves cause i had to deal with my moms drinking before she got really sick and passed away my mom was my life and my world it really broke my heart when my aunt started to drink heavy like my mom use to just wish she would stop.