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well i over slepted and woke up in cold sweat with part of the blanket wet from me sweating i think im going though hot flashes and cold sweats which woke me up my bodys going through alot right now and i,m only 44 years old guess i,m takng after my mom cause she started her change of life at my age so i guess its about right for me
but lately i been not feeling that great
i been tring my best to keep going even though i want to stay in bed and sleep all day and do nothing but get my body to heal some from being sick

talked to my ex boyfriend on ps4 and foundout that he,s engaged to a girl from the uk and shes coming to michigan to be with him along with her cousin my heart droped to the floor when i heard the news i wanted to scream and cry yeah i still have feelings for him i was with him for 3 years until my aunt came inbetween and broke us up and made me move back home to new baltimore
he knows how i feel about him he was my Master until now i,m gonna tell him that i no longer want to be his sub
and only friends and allow him to have a happy life with this girl cause i just dont want to ruin what they have right now i,m pretty sure it wont last between them cause she wont make it to michigan cause of money and they will brake up cause of it.
i have left as his sub many times cause of him dating someone i did not want to know about me being his sub i hate having to do this to him again but my feelings for him wont allow me to keep being his sub anymore i want to cry right now cause my heart is tarn to peices and laying on the floor waiting to be put back together and then i will be building a huge wall around it not allowing anyone through for a very long time i miss being in his arms and hearing his voice and being next to him in bed ugh why does this have to happen to me everytime i turn around my hearts being broken by someone that i really care about and its eli
its getting to the point where i,m gonna tell him goodbye and just walk away from out friendship which i really dont want to do that to him oh boy what am supposed to do i,m so freaking lost right now

just woke up cause of pain in my hip
and stayed up with my aunt and had
coffee waiting for the store to open
at 4:30

i had a long day
so i,m gonna call it a night and try to sleep a little
which i need

night vr

alot has happened in the past few years
i been through hell and back since i was younger
my family dont know anything about me anymore\
i keep it a secert cause their none believers of
human living vampires
everything i went through has made my awakening 10 times worse
i seen things that i never thought i would things that i would never
talk about to anyone not even my bestfriend its all in the darkness
of my thoughts and dreams.
i never thought i would go through what i went through
its like my mind has gone black but my dreams has gone
vivid
like one time i saved one of my exes from being runned over i knew a car
was coming before it came in sight and i pulled him out of the street he looked at
me and asked how i knew a car was coming and i said i just knew i could not explain
how i knew i just did

well i will be gone until sunday cause i,m
getting my nails done today cant wait
i have not had that done in a long time
and then in 6 days i will be standing up
in my cousins wedding yay me lol

I have met the most greatest person in the world
she has been there for me and seen me through hell
we have known eachother since high school it has
been the most happest 20 plus years
we grew up calling each other sis
she was there when my mom passed away
and i thank her every chance i get
yeah we had our ups and downs but we always
made it back to each other
we made a promise to eachother
to never allow any man to come
between our friendship
and we kept that promise
all these years

I Dont know what to do anymore
i been feeling kinda down like i want
to crawl into a hole and just hide there
for a long time.
there are times i just want to cut myself
just to hide the pain i,m feeling deep inside
noone knows how i feel and they wont
either i,m making them think that everythings
ok with me cause they just dont understand
how i feel.
i,m remaiing silent and thats how its going to stay
for awhile
i want them to understand that i,m living in helL
where i,am right now my family keeps me to close
not allowing me to be happy anymore to be honest
with everyone i need to be alone with noone around
to bother me.
i feel like i,m in complete darkness my mnd wont stop spinning
i cant stop thinking it got worse when my dad passed away few
months ago yeah i got my family and bestfriend to talk to about
whats going on in my world i just dont want them to worry about
me.
i try to find things to do just to keep shit off my mind
but it seems not to work

COMMENTS

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QueenZombiee
21:17 Jun 12 2019

Well obviously you are pretty much depressed. What's not good at all. You should not keep things what bothers you inside. If you can't talk about that then you write things what bothers you on paper. It helps.

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i sit here on playstation party with both of my exes
well their playing borderlands yeah i put up with
them both for some odd reason
they both have girlfriends but they put up with me also
i can be a big pain the ass sometimes
im so glade to be single again after
he broke up with me all because
i would not leave my family again
like i did with eli i was with eli
5 years before my aunt made me
leave him and then along time
after that i ran into donald
well in a party with eli
don said to the people
in the party that i was
his girlfriend we dated
for a few months and then
he broke up with me all
because i would not move to be with him

oh well such is life lol