DireConsequences's Journal
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16:50 Apr 29 2016
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Hello. My name's Tiffany.
I'm usually a wreck when I work on my profile text because it means more to me that way. It also shows who I really am without any kind of mask. So this will be getting updated and it will get emotional. I want to make sure I warn you!
I'm a stay-at-home mother of one little determined girl. She's the reason why I try to make the best decisions I can in my life. I can't believe she's almost five years old but I'm glad she's getting older. I think the best thing is watching her develop her own personality and how curious she is about everything! She is bossy, courageous, figures things out quickly and loves watching people and animals.
Honestly, I still feel like a child myself. There are days I feel like I cannot handle the responsibility of taking care of my wee one. Those are the days I wish I could have a break somehow. Those are also the days I have thoughts almost every mother has concerning motherhood:
◊ Was I ready for this?
◊ Should I have waited longer?!
◊ I'm a horrible mother!
◊ I can't do anything right for my child!
◊ I need help!
◊ I can't handle this anymore!
The thoughts listed about usually don't last long with me. I love looking at my child, seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. But it's not priceless like most say. In my opinion, it comes at a personal price, not a material one.
I guess there's more the tell about me. I'm insecure. I'm curvy but most times I like it. I could never see myself as being skinny. All I want to get down to weight wise is 160-170 pounds. That's actually less than 100 pounds to lose now. I'm proud of myself for losing the weight. =]
It gets to me because right before I got pregnant, I weighed 172-175 pounds. It's the least amount I've weighed in a long while. I've always been bigger since my father almost died Christmas day in '96. I became attached to emotionally eating. I battle with it even now. I don't binge eat anymore though and I'm glad about that!
I've created a portfolio on here. It's to remind me that I am pretty. I'm not that fat. I'm not ugly. And it's to help me out. It's not for anyone else but for me and in my opinion, that's how it should be!
I feel sexy at times. I love feeling that way. It's addicting to feel wanted and beautiful. It can also be taken for granted if you don't watch out.
I'm rather addicted to sex and sexual things. My therapist says it my reaction to what has happened to me in the past. I don't care to go too much into my past though. I still have nightmares and I still can't cope with it at all. I'm open about my sexuality though. It's crazy to think one incident in your past can change you for the rest of your life. I've managed to take charge of the sexual urges, if you want to call them that. I've realized I do not need but only want it. Honestly, at times that is hard for me to remember.
As for my past, I hate that it rules me and I cannot cope with it. I have flashbacks during the most inconvenient times. I talk about it once in a while but other then that, I usually lock it up inside.
There's a recent procedure that's still being tested and studied but it involves selective memory lost, well deletion. I've often thought about taking part in it once it's approved by the government studying it. Could you imagine picking which memories you want to actually have locked inside your mind?
I would be willing to risk forgetting everything just to forget about a year and a half of pain.
Pretty extreme, right?
To forget my dad who passed away and my loving relationship with him, my best friend who died of cancer and all the great times with her, my daughter growing up, my memories of first meeting my boyfriend of six years and all we've been through, and many other things... just to forget the pain, the manipulation, and the feeling of hopelessness that I still feel today when I remember.
I don't feel like I "fit in" anywhere but most people feel like that in their lives. I'm the black sheep of my family or should I say the white sheep. Everyone else has been involved in drugs, alcohol and crime in some way or another. The worse thing I did when in high school was shop lifting. I stopped when one of my best friends at the time got caught and almost got prosecuted by K-Mart.
Although I don't fit in with my family, I still love them. There's only one family like them and if I ever need help, they will probably be there before my friends or anyone else.
I will be the first to admit that I'm ashamed of some of the things I've found out they have done. There are horror stories. Even the way my mom and dad met had violence, betrayal, and a hot cup of tea in it! My family is definitely unique but then again everyone has their own stories!
You want to know who protects me and watches over me, it's my family!
The hope of a better life and everything to work out as planned. That's never really happened for me other then meeting Brett and starting my life with him.
I feel like I'm trapped within my thoughts on most days and the sad thing is I probably am. I just exist anymore trying to find my way out of the maze I've gotten myself into. The maze I will probably never find my way out of because of my own little quirks I can't seem to change.
I wonder if old friends will forgive me, if my family will still love me, and if I will be able to look at myself in the mirror at the beginning of every day.
One day I will escape to the life I want...
One day
I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a few years ago. Honestly, I have problems talking to people whether it be face to face, on the phone, or over the internet. If I disappear on you in the middle of our conversation, it's because of my anxiety or something else has happened. I apologize in advanced.
But my anxiety has been linked to my past. It seems like every day of my life since then has been coping. I struggle with it every day and hate falling asleep at night just to be reminded.
Over the past couple of years, I've managed to face different parts of my past. I've succeeded in coping with it a little bit but the nightmares remain. I want to "get over it" as much as I can. I want to heal from the damage done. I'm tired of being scared to leave my own house.
I want to feel free!
Thank you for stopping by.
:-)
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