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I can't believe I didn't see your entry before tonight. I apologize if had needed me and I wasn't around. I doubt you would have wanted to be comforted by me but I am still here for you. Gosh, I'm sorry. I wish I knew. It wouldn't have changed much... and if I talked to you then, it would have probably made things worse. I hope things work out alright or at least like you want them to.



*big hugs*



I still care about you.



♥

Oh my gosh!



When you come to visit me next year "to annoy me in person," I'm giving you a kiss when you get off that plane... just like I've always said I would.



♥♥♥



=]



You made my day! I love you tons!

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Levity
22:51 Sep 29 2012

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Yesterday, tempers were lost. I can't even say why I lost mine. I'm ashamed that I did but I don't think I regret it.



Yesterday was the last straw. Either we fix what's wrong or it's going to be ended.



Whichever way it goes, I'm planning for it.



Oh a good note, I drove my stepdad's truck the other day. I narrowly missed the gas can and the 2 inch pipes that were out. He's an ass at times. He left his car there and Bill's truck was in the way. I was nervous I was going to hit someone's car.



The other really great news is the thief is locked up in jail. =] Heck yes! No one paranoia about him breaking in here and other places.



Brett's been cutting wood. It feels so good and warm in the house. It's nice.



I'm so happy that the bathroom is done. Brett has to mud a few places on the last wall... then I'll prime it. As that dries, I'll be painting the other walls green... Once the green is on all four walls and dry, I'm putting the tile down. Oh interject painting the doors and trimming dark brown. *nods*



I'm going to see if my stepdad would mind if I paint the coat hook thing and the cabinet we use the same dark, rich brown.



Hmm. I think it's going to look nice once it's done.



I just didn't really want green in there. At least it isn't lime green! =]



I'm going to start applying the end of this week for a seasonal job. Aurora's b-day and X-mas are coming up. I just have to make sure if I get one, I can go trick-or-treating with her.



I'm going to be Kitty, she's going to be MiMi and Brett may be Dear Daniel if I can convince him.



We also have birthdays coming up. *nods*



I have curtains to finish washing and other stuff to do. *sighs* Later.

I haven't been this sick in forever... about two years. I feel horrible. My body hurts. My lungs feel like they are going to collapse at any moment. I just took my Dulera and God, it feels a lot better for now. My head feels like I've hit it against of cedar blocks. My throat seems the worse right now.



The doctor said my Dulera and rescue inhaler are just going to be a bandaid to the problem right now.



She didn't tell me what I have or anything. But asked me if I wanted the steroid in pill or shot form. Um duh! SHOT! If it's going to probably start helping me by this evening, of course I want the damn shot!



I hate shots. Ugh! I also got my flu shot today since I haven't been running a temperature.



Yuck! I don't miss this. I don't miss this and haven't missed this.



And God, I don't want to end up in the hospital over my lungs. *whimpers*



I'm at least bringing up the mucus now.



My mom kept Aurora the night so it would give the steroid and the Z-pac a little time to work. Thank goodness! She was upset with me yesterday afternoon because I couldn't chase her. I tried... just couldn't without coughing so damn hard. O_o



I'm blah. I'm shitty. I want to sleep for days until my body decides to feel better and be better.



Fuck being sick!

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Levity
14:03 Sep 21 2012

Fuck being sick indeed.



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If I don't get better by Friday morning with my breathing, I'm going into the hospital for a couple of days. Thanks doc! Thanks!



*whines*

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Em0d0LL
20:36 Sep 19 2012

awww feel better! hugs

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SuicideDoll
02:21 Sep 20 2012

Hope you get well and that a hospital stay isn't necessary. Take good care.

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DireConsequences
02:36 Sep 20 2012

Thank you both. I hope so too.

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I don't know how I feel about this new information.



I feel sorry for you and I'm so, so glad it's not me.



I mean, hell, look at the previous situation and tell me why I wouldn't feel this way.



A lot of things will change for you and I can honestly say, I don't want to ever be there for you.



I made my decision a long while ago not to be there for you, not to care what happened to you anymore, and not to keep in contact.



I'm happy with my decision. I've never once regretted it.



I watch to make sure you haven't moved any closer and other than that... I don't give a shit.



I'm happier without you.

Another sleepless night for me. I'm so tired of the nightmares.



Why is it that every therapist I've had... they don't ever look at my nightmares.



Which is scarier? The nightmares about the past or that every nightmare I've had about the past, actually happened?



I think it's the latter of the two.



It seemed weird to my one therapist that when I've been having nightmares, I sleep to horror movies when I can. Other people dying on the television is a lot better the torment I experience in my dreams.



I'm tired of the tears.



Maybe I should set it up so that I can paint, draw, etc when I wake up from nightmares again.



I'm so worried Aurora's going to come across the pictures that I draw and create though so I'm scared to put them down.



At least I have the scars?



I know it happened. I have the proof in the form of my scars.



God, I'm probably going around in circles in this entry but I don't care at the moment. I'm upset. I'm about to start crying again. I just stopped not that long ago.



At least my mom has Aurora tonight. I'm not worried about her hearing me cry.



In the nightmares, it's always the same. I'm a kid again. It's usually about her and not him. Hell, he only did what he did once. Sometimes it's about my Grandmother telling me what a filthy whore I am while washing my hair with a washcloth.



Sometimes I remember something new... something else that happened that I blocked out, a new emotion, a new rage.



I wish I had the power I did when I was a child. The will power of not remembering. I blocked it all out. While something was happening, I concentrated on something else in the room. I would zone on Scooby episodes and remembered them so well, I could play them in my head while the abuse was going on.



In the past few weeks, a house was torn down... There used to be a boy who lived there. We talked about dreams and nightmares. We shared a seat on the bus. I had a crush on him and believed he would save me.



I tried to tell him what was going on while it was. About a week later of me starting to tell him, his house burned down and they moved away.



I cannot remember his name which upsets me.



But a family friend practiced on what was left of the house before coming with his dozer to help out my stepdad.



Oh, my stepdad. Will he ever find out about my past? I'll never tell him or mean to. My mom has asked me not to and I can respect that. I think she's scared that since she and my dad left me with her that he'll blame her or look at her differently. He would definitely see her in a different light.



He keeps trying to get my mom to tell him why I hate her so much. Why I get so upset when he teases me about her. I've actually cried a few of those times with the rage built up over the years towards her.



God, why can't I use that rage in my nightmares?



It didn't stop in real life until I tried to kill her. I would have succeeded too if it wasn't for someone stopping me. I was so angry. All of the rage came out in that one action. It all showed.



I hate her.



I hate the scars I have that she inflicted on me.



Hell, I hate her more than anyone will ever know.



I regret not telling my dad before he died. I lost that opportunity.



And then telling my mom, god, "your dad and I suspected something like that was happening."



Why? Why would you leave the house knowing or even suspecting something like that was happening?



Now that I'm a mother, it confuses me even more. It makes me resent my mother at times. I don't know which for. Because I think that it's true, she did suspect... or that she left me and then said that acting like she knew but it was all okay. It was all "normal."



I get so scared in my nightmares, a lot of the time I wake up in an asthma attack not being able to calm down. How can I stop the sobs instantly or get my breathing to calm down with me sobbing hysterically at times?



I need to deal with this. I need to cope.



How do I cope with something that I've feared all my life and has caused me so much pain?



I'm getting off of here for now. I'm going to try to sleep. I'm going to need it for when Aurora gets home.

Hopefully Brett will sand the bathroom, Aurora and I want to paint it. It's going to be her favorite color... GREEN!



Whether I wanted a green bathroom or not, that's what I'm getting.



LOL!



This is one determined little girl for sure and I love her bunches! ♥

I see my breathing doctor on Wednesday. I'm hoping they decide I only need one puff twice daily of the Dulera. I'm tired of the taste of it. I'm also hoping that my lungs have improved a bit. Although I've been having problems since my fall in the plaster dust with my breathing acting up and mucus. Yuck!



I'm calling the schools to find out what I can do about Aurora. We may be living at my mom's so long during the week for her to get in until they have a proper spot for her near here. *sighs* I'm frustrated with it. My mom and stepdad can't handle her for four days a week so I would have to go up too. =[ I love them but my uncle bothers me at times. Childishness. Ugh!



My perspective on life seems to be a little more optimistic. I've actually been setting some goals for myself and whatnot. Things I haven't done in months and months.



I actually started the Wii Fit tonight. My toe hurts and I had a sharp pain once like I was ripping it apart with a knife. It's fine though. No blood... no opening. It's just a little sore now.



I plan on possibly starting my Zumba game for the Wii within the next week or two. Definitely the boxing game I have. I like it a lot.



If the weather doesn't get too hot or cold, I plan on trying to talk Aurora on more walks and longer ones. We took her wagon yesterday and gathered up kindling for when we use our furnace this winter while we walked. She had fun.



I just wish I could find the time to sit and write or something about my past, my memories, my downfalls, my strengths, and my nightmares. I want to get it out.



At times, I feel like living with the memories of it all are worse than the actual abuse.



Oh and I saw something I never thought I would see... a picture of my daddy in the service (in Vietnam). It's the only one in existence. My dad's mom and dad burned all of his things... including pictures, his uniforms, medals, everything.



I never met them and I'm glad I never did. I wonder how they could have been so hateful to try to kill my dad and turn his own kids against him. Everything.



But I also saw a picture of my actual sister and brother. My dad's children before me. They looked so much like him. I wish I could get in contact with them. Maybe I'll try.



I just don't know if I'm up for the meeting of Raymond Jr. if he looks like my daddy.



And they didn't want to meet me before... other than Bunny Sue meeting me at my dad's funeral.



Time changes minds and situations... maybe they will take the time to meet me now.



Hmm. So much has happened in the lives of people who used to be my friends. I feel lousy for not being there for them... but shit happens and I left them. They didn't want me as a friend anymore so why should I care? Because I always do. *sighs*



I hate myself at times. I think I may condemn myself for the past in ways I'll never be able to explain or put into words. I miss it in ways. I don't comprehend why. How could I possibly miss being sexually abused? What kind of sick fuck would miss it?



I won't ever let another person control me on that level again.



I'll never be a sub or a slave. I may like role playing with someone who knows of my past and my limits... but that's completely different. I know I can stop it and I trust that they can see if I'm too scared to continue or I'm having a flashback.



Gosh, this entry has gone places I didn't mean for it to. I'm going to stop typing and get to bed. I have a lot to get done in the morning.



Night.

I don't really know what to write but I need to write something and somewhere. It's fogging up my thoughts and bothering me not knowing what the hell. Maybe I can figure something out. If I'm asked to remove this by a certain person, I will with no problem... I wish I was premie again so I could make it private but eh, oh well.



Anyway, last night was... interesting. Sort of, um, had phone sex. Never done it before and honestly until I sort this out, I won't again. Not saying never because I enjoyed it but sometimes you have to reflect on things before heading on into the same thing again.



I'm very, very shy. Anyone who has talked to me on the phone or met me in person knows this... especially when it comes to overly sexual topics or situations.



Last night was completely new... I was completely thrown and lost. It's not like I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I went ahead and called. I wanted to. I never have done it and it's "on my list."



Phone sex and phone sex with a stranger are both on there.



I guess I'm weird but yeah.



Anyways, his voice sounded like Daniel's which threw me completely for a loop or a few to begin with. I'm horribly shy when thrown in sexual situations.



It top it all off, I don't know what brought up my fear of making noise back from the past.



I got off the phone and raced out of the tub (I was taking a bubble bath during the call) because I heard a noise that sounded like a certain someone in the house was awake. Well, she wasn't and neither was Brett.



*Brett knew I was doing this and absolutely didn't mind.*



But I can't say whether I got uncomfortable with the situation or heard the noise or what. I know I literally jumped out of the bathtub and grabbed my towel as quick as possible after hanging up.



Then I fell asleep after calming down... I had the worse nightmare in ages. Mr. Bubbles was in it... him and her... the pain remembered... the bath my Grandma gave me and her words... God, I couldn't even wake myself up from it. I was in a cold sweat and sobbing when Shadow woke me up by scratching me.



Maybe this is a good time to put in here that our Mama Cat died of old age. I can't remember if I put that on here or not.



Today, well earlier today, Brett and I were messing around on the floor of our living room on a blanket we spread out since our daughter wasn't home and we were watching movies and stuff. I freaked. I actually fell asleep... and woke up to an "oh my gosh" situation. The fear was still there at a high level but it was okay. Then he went to do what he had already done once and I freaked. I freaked. Jerked him up and was shaking.



I don't understand it.



I don't get it.



I'm upset by it.



I haven't seen Daniel in ages... and I haven't seen her in a couple of months even though I've talked to her on the phone.



Why are the nightmares so much worse these last few months? Why the extreme last night?



Is it guilt?



I think the whole phone sex would have gone better if it would have been with someone who knows my limits, my past, my quirks, etc. Heck, even if it was with one of my exes or one of the few guys I've slept with or told about stuff like that. Either way, that list isn't many. Hell, I've slept with four guys total, five if you include the other from childhood but I'm sure that doesn't count.



Phone sex and cybering make me feel silly. I could fantasize and masturbate and get the same result.



I'm not sure why I did it, why I freaked, why I'm currently freaked, and it has nothing to do with what he said or anything like that. I'm sure it's me. I'm positive it's something with me, of course.



I need to get some sleep even though the idea of it scares me. Just the thought of more nightmares like the one last night makes me feel ill.



I need to cope with this. I need to figure this out.



How to do that though is a mystery other than writing about it, talking about it, thinking about it and facing the fears.

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fyre
13:17 Sep 18 2012

phone sex.... it is masturbation... the only difference is that you get to hear someone else doing it too... LOL





don't really like phone sex, but I do like cybering... I mean, it is a good place to explore fantasies...lol

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Thinking about my past makes me feel like a slut. The unwilling acts... not the utterly willing acts. Why? Why must I feel like this?



I hate this feeling. Stupid. It's stupid. I was a kid. What the fuck?

Not cancer, a protein deposit. It has to be removed but not immediately. The other doctor jumped the gun big time.



I'm pretty happy about it. My mom must be too.



First thing she told me is "Well, he's going to live to see another day."



=]

Aurora just fell asleep so now I can go to sleep too. I'm tired.



I'll know something tomorrow, maybe. It depends on what the news was that the doctor told my mom and stepdad.



*crosses fingers* At least his surgery is already set up for next month. Right?



I'm still listening to the playlist I have that's devoted to "him" even though I probably shouldn't be when Brett's sleeping in the same room. Hell, I took a bubble bath after sex listening to it. O_O Weird, huh?



Oh well, I've done weirder things.



I'm not so upset tonight as I was last night. I think it's because I'll know one way or another what's going on a little bit.



I'm still pretty pissed at the preschool I was going to put Aurora in. I'm waiting for a spot to open in a specific location with bus transportation since I can't take her myself. I'm going to talk to them tomorrow though. I'm going to ask them about the fire station that isn't in use anymore here in our little, tiny town for the location of pick up or if it's the other town over that's about 7 miles away. =[ It's important for me to know.



I'm still really pissed about me wanting to set up Aurora's screening and they won't. It's an inefficient use of their time. Well, I plan on sending her to their facilities. What the heck?



It's a whole big mess. We've bought her school clothes, supplies, shoes, everything she would need to start and can't get her in right now. O_o It should piss me off, right?



At least the woman is going to let me know when/if there's a spot for her in the other direction with a bus ride included.



*breathes* It's going to work out. It has to. It always does. Gosh, I sound like I'm placing everything in my faith in fate. No, not really. Either way, we'll work with it though and keep on going.

"Lips of an Angel" reminds me of you so much. I still have that recording and listen to it from time to time.



Am I alright? No, not at all. I feel like I'm breaking. I would love to hear your voice on my phone right now telling me things are going to be okay.



Heh, like that would happen. I could never ask that of you.



I have a letter I wrote a couple of months ago and edited like 10 or so times but I don't know if I'm going to post it or not.



I just need comforted. I need someone to hold me.



So I'm listening to songs I played and played and played when you were in my car with me. The songs that remind me of you so much I can smells the scents.



I'm hoping for a dragon in my dreams to ward off the nightmares.



I need to shut up before I start crap.



My stepdad finds out today if he has cancer. I'm dreading the news. He stopped smoking after 50 something years just for my daughter. He loves my little girl. I wish my dad could have met her... but it's okay. She's not lacking with Papa.



He taught me and her both how to lay block yesterday.



God, please don't let it be cancer. I've been so upset that it's been a struggle not to fall in old, old habits. But how I want to. So badly.



I need comfort. I need someone. I need strength.

Sitting in the ER to get my stitches out. =)



Picture included. LOL!



Six stitches around my toe. It's been 13 days, hopefully they can come out today.