DireConsequences's Vampire Journal

DireConsequences's Journal

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21:00 Oct 29 2023
Times Read: 96

I don't know where else to write. I've been logging on here every now and then. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something or maybe it's just that old habits die hard.

I feel like I'm breaking... Literally breaking in front of everyone and that no one has my back anymore. I can't rely on people in my life outside a few. There's so many people and agencies I'm reporting to because of my daughter's diagnosis that I'm going crazy trying to keep up with it all. No one seems to call me out on my masks anymore and I don't know whether that scares me or what at this point. Maybe my friends and family have just stopped caring or gave up on me along the way. Either way, I know it hurts.

I want to write so much more but I feel like if someone knows I'm writing here again, he will somehow use it against me. Oh the joys of the paranoia that comes with the borderline personality disorder diagnosis that I have.

I just can't anymore. I. Can't.

7 days shy of 3.5 years of not cutting and I'm trying so hard not to slip back into all the bad habits that could be unleashed from me doing it again. It's not an option anymore. It just can't be.

I can't believe how long I've been on this site. My daughter is a VR baby and although her dad and I have not been together going on 5 years in March, she was one of the original VR babies. She's about to be 16 years old. That's insane to think about... that if I would have never joined this site, I would have never met him... if I would have never met him, I would have never had my daughter.

I admit she's my reason to keep going some days. It's been so hard over the years but I'm finally starting to get answers. Finally.

I'll probably write again sometime soon. I won't make promises though. I'm wondering how many people are still around from when I joined. If you know me, don't be afraid to say hi. =)

COMMENTS

CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
21:07 Oct 29 2023

Ya know... I never really thought about it until I read this journal but my son is a VR baby as well! Hubs and I met on here around 2005. We have been together for 14 years now and our son is 11. It's neat to think about how this website has changed my life.

I hope that whatever the situation you are going through is, it gets better and you find some peace and happiness.

DireConsequences
21:12 Oct 29 2023

Thank you. And isn't it crazy? I met him on here in 2005 and moved in with him the day after Thanksgiving in 2006 without ever meeting him face to face. I still have the forum thread we met on saved. It was about a grave outside the grounds of a cemetery facing the wrong way. Has your screen name always been the same? I think I may remember you from around that time...

CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
21:13 Oct 29 2023

Yes, I have always had this name. :)

DireConsequences
21:24 Oct 29 2023

I came over and looked at your profile. I found it kind of funny that I haven't rated you since you joined. I'm coming back over to rate cause I just remembered they hold different weights for higher members. LOL! Unless that has changed in my absence.

CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
21:31 Oct 29 2023

Thanks. :) I went ahead and re-rated you while I was on yours. :)

DireConsequences
21:33 Oct 29 2023

Thank you so much! ♥

CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
21:37 Oct 29 2023

You're welcome. :)