Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
79 entries this month
22:28 Oct 31 2009
Times Read: 956
I have a kismet dedicated to me!
Hehe! Just because I edited an image.
"ChaosxXxVampire
HAPPY CAVITY DAY lol DireConsequences Is My lord"
20:37 Oct 31 2009
Times Read: 960
I have no life this weekend other then VR and the internet in general.
I'm working on my homework assignments. I'm working on a paper about capital punishment. It's rather depressing to me. *sighs* Thank god this is only one of the essays I have to complete. The next one, I swear I'm going to get my way on doing a topic of my choosing!
My cold, flu, or whatever is picking up again.
Shadow is feeling a little tiny bit better it seems.
Aurora's being a grumpy butt.
And we're probably not going to be able to rent the U-Haul until next weekend. That in itself makes me sad and nervous.
Aurora's birthday is on the 14th. The U-Haul rental will probably be on the 6th or 7th. That gives me a week to unpack and get everything ready for her party!
I'm just praying I can actually pull it off!
Alright, heading back to homework!
18:49 Oct 31 2009
Times Read: 968
Fail.
:-)
13:12 Oct 31 2009
Times Read: 967
Heh. You have to remember no matter what my beliefs, the words typed come from the same body.
Someone's actions are connected to their physical body.
So either way you go, yes, it does come back to that body. And yes, that body is in her possession.
Simple enough logic?
04:28 Oct 31 2009
Times Read: 979
If you want to say I've gotten everything that I wanted and my way, fine. It's a lie though.
If I could get what I want... I wouldn't waste it on some relationship or anything like that.
I would want my daughter to meet my dad for just one full day.
That's what I would get if I could get my way in life.
I wouldn't even care if I got a hug from him or even a word in my direction. Nor would I care if I even got to catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of him.
I would just care that my daughter got to meet her grandfather.
So get to know me before you say anything about my "poor wretched soul" because you honestly, know nothing about me if you think I rated either profile in spite of you, Erica.
I had an entry up before this but I placed it under private because I felt kind of cruel after posting it. I will probably take it off of private later on though. It shows a side of me that is part of me.
But get it right if you wish to call me out on things.
Brett knows me more then anyone and for that, I'm lucky. If my relationship works out with him, it's not going to be because it's what I wanted and I got my way. It's going to be because we worked to get what we had back.
He's the one that made the decision to work things out with me. He's the one that decided to delete his account. He is the only one who decided not to speak to you anymore and to not meet you.
I was nice enough to offer to take him more then once to meet you. Yet, my soul is "wretched" for that I guess.
Leave me blocked, I don't care. I blocked both accounts anyway a while ago.
My status doesn't really mean crap to me as long as I'm high enough to keep my coven going for my members who call it home.
But the bottom line is to think before you ever say that the gods have mercy on someone's soul. You have not met me. You have barely talked to me. You only know me really through actions that I did when being torn apart and also my journal. You know nothing of my soul though.
I feel better after what I did tonight. I got my closure. I feel like I deserve to be on this site for the first time in over a month. I'm going to apply for Acolyte tomorrow and I'm going to go on about my business.
It was not my doing when he made his decisions though. Where was I? I was passed out on the couch from pain in my tummy from falling on concrete steps outside of the apartment when I went to find Tony. Brett had gone for a walk and went to the new apartment. I went to pick him up and that's when he laid everything on me.
He asked me to move in with him during that conversation. He confessed to me about talking to you and planning to meet you. He even said a whole lot more.
I had nothing to do with it and if I got what I wanted, he would not have deleted his Vampire Rave account.
God, if I got what I wanted... I would be completely better!
But no, I'm in the same situation working on myself and trying to work on my relationship with him.
So think before you speak or type. You might not look so ignorant for saying silly things.
PRIVATE ENTRY
01:28 Oct 31 2009
Times Read: 999
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
19:18 Oct 30 2009
Times Read: 1,009
Do you have to show your ass, N, just as much as Tony? I said at times. It doesn't happened always and there are times they help her to exceed expectations too!
If you are going to assume I've made any kind of choice, then go ahead and think as you wish. I made no choice at all, only observations that anyone in the same situation could see. That is all I did. I am not at fault if you take it as something else. Also I read the same message to Brett too. He needs to know the truth just as Tony needs to hear it.
Goodbye if you wish.
-M
16:35 Oct 30 2009
Times Read: 1,014
I have so many different things to get done! I need to continue working on them so I'm not getting back on here nor YIM until I get a lot accomplished. I need some damn motivation in my step!
I'm thinking of taking a couple of carloads up to the new place also just so it will get done. We're supposed to be getting a U-Haul tomorrow for our couches, bed, and other big things. I'm not sure it's going to happen.
My kitty is feeling a little bit better. I've been holding her hostage in the bathroom while I run hot water in the shower to help my breathing and her breathing too. I've been giving them some infant's drops like I've always done when they get sick and it's helping a lot!
Ugh. I feel like I'm wanting to just curl up and go back to bed but I know I can't. There are way too many things to get finished before I can go to bed tonight!
And knitting... it's the devil's craft! I can't figure it out how the hell to cast on. LOL! Frankie, I might need your help hun!
Also my Grandma is still around. We can hear her in your room and the front room at my mom's house. I can feel her there. I've felt her presence since she passed.
She needs to move on though and be with my grandfather. *smiles* We're going to be okay without her and yet she isn't going anywhere.
Alright, I'm getting off of here. Later peoples.
01:14 Oct 30 2009
Times Read: 1,034
I'm still sick. I actually went with Brett and Aurora for her trick-or-treating. The only reason was my mom gave me a mask to wear so I didn't get anyone sick. I feel worse now but I had fun!
I threw together an outfit last minute. I wore a black dress, bright blue fishnets, one of my pink arm warmers, heels, a pink and black belt, my black and purple wig, and the mask after putting fake blood all over it and let it drip naturally down my neck.
*smiles* Shit I had lying around... other then the mask!
Some woman actually commented about how original my outfit was. *smiles* It was kind of fun! Aurora started getting into it when it was about half-over just because I started getting candy too. She was timid around the other kids in costumes though. Like I told her, it's all fake make-up just like mommy's.
I'm going to bed soon. Ugh. I'm getting back off of here.
22:01 Oct 28 2009
Times Read: 1,058
We're possibly taking Shadow in to the animal hospital. I cannot lose her. She can hardly breath and she's not eating.
20:34 Oct 28 2009
Times Read: 1,062
I wonder almost every day why I can't just "get over" my past. There's no way that is possible except for a couple of methods where there are being studies done on them.
But how much would that change who I am?
I think the answer to why I can't heal from my past just yet is because I stayed quiet about it for so many years. There were several points where I thought it was normal to be put through things similar to my experiences.
Why can't I just "get over" it since people think I should be able to?
Because each and every day of my life, I've found another way I was violated. I find something new that they stole from me. I discover another emotion I had locked away or kept myself from feeling for all these years.
Do you know what it's like to hold a grudge against someone since you were seven years old and one day feeling that anger for no reason?
19:49 Oct 28 2009
Times Read: 1,066
Three Tonys in a row, I wonder how much that is worth?
♥
02:15 Oct 28 2009
Times Read: 1,078
Ever wonder what my instant messages consist of? Here you go!
Frankie: being housebound... gawd i couldnt think of anything worse!
Frankie: im willfully housebound a lot of the time
Frankie: but if i didnt go to college or work, id go CRAZY!
Tiffany: I wouldn't...
Tiffany: I could make it as a hermit...
Frankie: tut tut
Tiffany: Stay in my woods away from everyone and be the freaky old lady in the hills that has a herd of 100 kitties!
Tiffany: LOL!
Frankie: LOL
Frankie: a herd??
Tiffany: I don't think I could make it without my computer though... so the internet is a sure thing
Frankie: aaaahahahaha
Tiffany: at least no one would have to smell me!
Frankie: lol this is true..
Tiffany: Could you imagine the smell that would come about if I didn't hook up a shower!
Tiffany: LOL!
Frankie: omg lol
Frankie: youd smell like a cat
Frankie: have all of them grooming and licking you
Frankie: ... o_O;;
Tiffany: hahahahaha!
Tiffany: If they are licking me... I'll be clean! LOL!
Tiffany: But covered in kitty slobber
Frankie: you may be clean
Frankie: but youd still smell awful!
Tiffany: haha
Frankie: my cats breath smelt like rancid fish D:
Frankie: DO YOU WANT TO SMELL LIKE RANCID FISH??
Frankie: DO YOU?!
Tiffany: well I would make sure to get a lifetime supply of razors. There's no way in hell I'm having stubbles in the armpits!
Frankie: eeeeeeeeeeeew
Frankie: lol i reckon once it got past a certain point it wouldnt be all itchy
Frankie: just....hairy
Tiffany: Hahaha! That's still gross!
Tiffany: I'll get on cam on day in my cliff side hideout and go to reach for something and you would get a screen full of armpit hair and vomit!
23:53 Oct 27 2009
Times Read: 1,088
There are not many songs that I connect with right now. There are tons that I will listen to just to relax a little bit but for one to have a true meaning to me is kind of rare.
The song I'm listening to has some meaning to me. A lot of meaning to me in all honesty.
It's a song by Bones Thugs N Harmony featuring Akon.
It's where my kismet right now comes from. It's a part of the song.
"It's like I'm taking 5 steps forward and 10 steps back."
This song actually holds so much meaning to me because of my past. Going through hell for such a long time, I always prayed and begged for someone to come help me from the situation. I lost my faith when I was young because how could any God just sit back and watch an eight year old get sexually abused over and over again?
I feel like I'm confessing some kind of secret by even saying I do pray at times. I do pray for other people. I mostly pray for others, rarely is it ever for myself. I feel like I'm doing something dirty and forbidden by praying. I always do it when things get so hard that I can't handle it anymore.
I honestly miss going to church. I was told when I was little that my soul would burn in hell. The reason why is because I was about six years old and asked the minister what a faggot was. I'm scared to step inside a church. Honestly, terrified of it.
I feel like everything is coming to a swell. I feel like the dam is going to be breaking soon. I'm scared of so many things. I have to be forced to leave the apartment at times. How can that be healthy for anyone? How the hell am I supposed to become "normal" again?
I feel like such a freak.
I don't want to think all of the thoughts I do. I feel like I'm imprisoned and the guard is myself. It's like I've locked myself away from the rest of the world.
I used to always say when I was growing up that I never wanted to be normal... and yet I plead with myself every-damn-day to try to put a mask up just so I can act or pass as normal for only a few minutes.
Some people around where I live and even on here have asked me what's with the new look. It's pretty simple.
I wanted to like my appearance if only just a little bit. I wanted to feel pretty. I wanted to feel more like myself... the old me! The one that went suicide driving, never backed down from a challenge, went to Nashville to meet some boy she never met in person to move in with him, could always figure out some solution to problems in life, and who was ALWAYS there for her friends.
That last one is what gets to me the most. I'm scared to death to let anyone get close to me. I've destroyed just about every last one of my friendship in real life. I've never meant to. I can't let people close to me though. I push them away from me. They end up out of my sight before I even realize what I'm doing or what's happening.
But anyway, I relate to this song and the title of it is "I've Tried so Hard."
The meaning for me has to do with my past. Every time I asked for help or thought I was getting ahead just a little, I guess I did wrong since I was put into a worse situation.
People wonder why I can be so mature and act like the strictest person ever and then turn around, I'm acting like a child. It has a lot to do with my past. When I get scared, I talk like a little child. When I get really terrified, I don't remember what happened or what I have said or done.
I have signed my name different before. We've named different "personalities" that I have, if you want to call it that.
There's three main ones though. Ariel, Jenny, and Melody. They are centered around past experiences. There was only so much I could do as things were happening to me. What did I do? I pretended to be someone else. I pretended that I was them. This technique got me through my past, didn't it?
I've met a few other people like me that have other personalities from their past but they are them. Ariel is me. Jenny is me. Melody is me. They are me. It has to do with the disassociation. Well, that's the label my psychiatrist puts on it and my therapist too.
They just don't know the personalities have names.
But they were each a part of me at that time. When I'm Ariel, I act like I'm about eight years old. I'm not too sure about Jenny and Melody. Brett knows more since I don't remember things.
No, I don't have multiple personality disorder. I don't believe MPD actually exists. Mine has to do with my past. Some of my closer friends know about them and have talked to them at one point or another when I have gotten too scared to deal with the situation at hand.
But if you want to know what's with the new look... it's more of my other personality then anything. I'm going to be making it mine. I'll be adding highlights sometime soon. Probably purple or pink to be exact.
That's what is up with it though! I'm trying to find a median between all of me. That way I don't feel like I'm different people at times. I feel like I'm losing my mind a lot because I will think one way and then think the other. I literally have arguments with myself because of this.
It also explains why I look so different in some of my pictures. The one where my eyes get so damn big is actually Jenny.
And yes, I treat them like they are separate people inside my body. After all, they do have different personalities and ways of thinking. An eight year old doesn't think the same way as a twenty-two year old... now do they?
So that's who I really am. I'm not just talking bullshit or something like that. I can find resources that talk about disassociation if people want. I'm sure they are out there.
I want to heal from my past. Accepting the damage that has been done to me is the first step it seems.
Here's the lyrics of that song:
"[Krayzie]
(talking)
Bone thugs..Akon..Yea..
i love you
[Wish]
You know nothin comes easy
You gotta try real, real hard
I tried hard..But i guess I gotta try harder
{chrous}
[akon]
I tried so hard
Can't seem to get away from misery
Man I tried so hard
I'll always be a victim of these streets
It ain't my fault cuz I
try to get away but trouble follows me
and still I tried so hard
Hoping one day you'll come and rescue me but
Until then
(bone thugs)
I'll be postin up right here
rain, sleet, hail, snow
(akon)
but until then
(bone thugs)
I'll be postin up right here
wit my heat gettin dope (gettin dope)
[Krayzie]
First let me explain that im just a black man
and i come from the darkside so im havin a hard time
stayin on track man
My mind be racin and i dont even know what im chasin
ive been in and out of relationships
and im startin so see that its me with the complications
but im layin back prayin that
you get that piece of mind of me
i thought i was right but really i was wrong
but then again i was too blind to see
i was livin in the fast lane chasin my dream
and then i was in the fame and cash game and they just got me
goin crazy
and lately ive been so faded tryin to erase it
but i just cant cuz the drama just grows greater
and ive been in so many collisions but puttin xxxx off till later
{chorus}
[Layzie]
Its like im taking 5 steps forward, and 10 steps back
tryin to get ahead of the game but i cant seem to get it on track
and i keep runnin away from the ones that say they love me the most
how can i create the distance when its supposed to be close
and uh, i just dont know but ive been out here fightin demons and
its like a curse that i cant shake this part of cleveland and
lord, wont you help me
stop this pain i keep inflictin on my family
hustlin and gamblin (gamblin)
trickin and scramblin
and losin sight on what is supposed to be happenin (happenin)
its hard to manage cuz every days a challenge
and man im slippin, cant lose my balance and im tryin not to panic
{chorus}
[Wish]
I see that things wont change, im stuck in the game
as soon as i get out it keeps pullin me back man
it got me doin dirty dirty
so used to this hustlin money that i dont understand no 9 to 5 work
studied on the streets, hustlers know what i mean
hustlers ballin before us, i try to make it majorly
so we never leave, never, til the sun came up
gotta get it no, no leavin
no love
today, games they play gotta go hard to get what you put in
if you fall off then its all on you (on you)
gotta watch what you sign too
tried so hard but i wont play like a fool
{chorus}"
My explanation is simple for my meaning. My past rules my life. Whether I want it to or not, it does. Every time someone touches me in a certain way, I remember something else. I get terrified. I will hide within myself. I have to fight my inner demons on a daily basis. Every day I think about my past. It has molded me to be who I am today. I love my abusers, and yes, there is more then one. I have to love them though... they made me who I am. I can honestly say that yeah, I have so many flaws but I love who I am most of the time. I'm nowhere near what or who I want to be. I want to wake up one morning and not be scared anymore. But that's probably not going to happen. I need to face my past though. I know I do. But no matter what, I will never be able to escape the damage it has caused me. Those same people who I love for abusing me, I hate because they stole so much from me.
Most people won't understand this journal entry to the fullest extent that I mean it in unless they have been where I am.
Do you know what it's like to wake up on a couch in the middle of the night by yourself... and thinking you are eight and that the worse pain is still coming?
Do you want to honestly say you want to know what it's like being scared of letting out the littlest of noises during sex because you don't want to get punished more?
Can you look me in the eye and tell me you wish you went through what I did?
Because I don't ever want any child to ever go through what I did! There's a huge reason why I chose to go into Computer Forensics. I want to help get the bastards that do this to children!
Like it or not, this is more of me then any of you probably ever wanted to see.
This
is
me.
Flaws and all!
PRIVATE ENTRY
21:58 Oct 27 2009
Times Read: 1,094
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
21:55 Oct 27 2009
Times Read: 1,095
I went over the social security office since I've been having problems getting in touch with them. The person I saw today set me up for another appointment. He thinks I'm the perfect candidate for getting SSI.
I'm scared to death to go back out to the next appointment. The day before I have to be put to sleep so I can get a scope down.
I've been doing a little bit better though. I've been going outside at least once a week, sometimes a little bit more.
I'll admit there are times Brett has to bribe me to go out or force me to walk out the door... and that, I'm ashamed of.
I want to get better though. I'm determined enough, damn it! I will get better or go insane trying.
:-)
15:33 Oct 27 2009
Times Read: 1,108
Found someone to come look at the kitties for free. They think they know what they all have. He's a vet at the animal hospital so he knows what he's talking about.
:-)
I'm happy I found him.
We're all getting sick now, including Brett, myself, and Aurora.
This is ridiculous! Ugh!
It's bronchitis.
They told me all I can really do for the cats is keep them eating and drinking properly. Or as best as I can. I'm trying to get them all better but it's not working too well.
We're probably going to be moving some more today.
03:36 Oct 27 2009
Times Read: 1,124
I'm strippin' to go to sleep for the night. Sleeping by myself again. I just don't feel like being too close to anyone right now.
I'm going to write in my journal some and fall asleep watchin' television probably.
Aurora won't go to bed tonight. She also missed her nap today completely.
I also gave the cats medicine. I'm hoping it works. They are not sneezing as much now at least. *crosses fingers* I hope they can pull through this!
Even my ShadowDancer is sick now...
Night ya'll!
Oh and chick who I have a crush on... comment that entry saying it's you and I'll beat you over the head with a dildo!
:-)
02:58 Oct 27 2009
Times Read: 1,127
I want to dance! Brett won't cheer up and dance with me! Then again, I am listening to some rap music and things!
Haha!
I wanna lose the weight I have put on. I want to get back down. I'm getting that determination back!
Hell yeah!
**Grrrness! I just turned my music off because of Brett saying it was kind of loud. I want it to be louder right now... and I want to sing at the top of my lungs! Yes, I'm pouting!**
I crush on, you crush on?
01:29 Oct 27 2009
Times Read: 1,141
So I have this crush on someone here on Vampire Rave. It's someone I'm close to. It's a girl. And I love her lots and lots!
There's probably no way in hell I would ever get with her though...
*pouts* Mostly because of my past.
*raises a glass of pepsi* Here's to motivation, sweets! You know exactly who you are!
*hides*
18:23 Oct 26 2009
Times Read: 1,161
The final product of a Tiffy is done!
Here's the before:
And the after:
I like it lots!
This is the worse I've ever been for the most part:
I was drunk off my ass and a wreck. I refuse to get that bad again.
17:03 Oct 26 2009
Times Read: 1,175
Message To: fyrestrike
Aurora's naked. Onesies drying. Toys down the toilet. I'm soaked. I'm pissed. I'm going to scream. Help me please?
**Someone want to help me to get the toilet to flush?**
At least I can say she makes life interesting!
I'm fishing two fish out of the toilet. How ironic? She told me it swims! *smiles and laughs* She knows where a fish lives at least!
16:26 Oct 26 2009
Times Read: 1,177
I'm about to pamper myself and say fuck the world! I'm about to take before and after pictures! LOL!
I'm planning on taking a shower. Taking a bubble bath with bath salts. Shaving my legs. Painting my nails. Cutting my hair. Doing m makeup. And taking pictures!
I want to vain for a day!
Is that bad?
05:22 Oct 26 2009
Times Read: 1,188
I don't really know how I feel right now. I know Brett is having some doubts, but not for the reasons other people probably think he is. God, he had to even tell me tonight, his doubts are based on finances, not on me or anyone else.
I refuse to let anything keep us down for long. No matter what, things can only get better if we want them to do so... right?
Positive thinking brings positive results.
When Brett deletes his accounts or I should say, if he does at this point... I'm going to take a bit of a break from here and things. I might get on to update my journal but other then that I don't see the point.
I guess in a way I chose Brett considering yeah, I'm not fighting it anymore. I'm tired of people saying shit about me and other people I care about.
I'm going to figure out what I want. I'm going to do what is right for me. I'm going to actually start living.
My biggest keyword to that is living!
It's something I haven't done for quite some time.
Like Brett had said about a month ago... he's been waiting for about two years for his Tiffy to return.
Maybe, just maybe this is the start of the glaces.
I'm going to get better. No excuses. I'm at an all time low right now. Brett's never seen me like this before. If I'm going to ever be with him again or anyone else for that matter, it's not fair to them for me to be like this.
I need to get my ass in gear and kick the shit out of my depression!
And yes, a lot of this is actually coming from my personal journal where I've sorted through so many of my thoughts.
I need to get to sleep but I can't do so. I'm not drinking anymore. I've made that decision. It's not me... hell, it's not like me to drink for the wrong reasons!
I'm not going to do so. I admit I've gotten drunk two separate times in less then 24 hours. Pretty pathetic, huh?
I feel like I have no escapes left. When we move into the other apartment together, we're not going to have the net. I'm going to be going to the library to do my classes. I won't be able to access VR using their computers.
At least Brett's cell has unlimited texting on it!
I'm going to be finishing one of my personal journals tonight! I'm so happy about it! It's the first damn notebook I've ever completed! Woot!
I'm going back to writing in there and I'm going to be going to bed sometime soon!
04:46 Oct 26 2009
Times Read: 1,190
I just watched my fish eat a snail.
What the fuck?
He acts like we don't feed him ever! Damn goldfish!
On a good note, I just cleaned his tank, changed his water, and changed his filter! He also just got his midnight snack!
Yes, I have one goldfish... and he gets fed about at least five times a day.
Wanna see if he will bite you? He's aggressive!
17:22 Oct 25 2009
Times Read: 1,211
Even now I come to VR to hide from my thoughts. I've been rating profiles and listening to music as the day goes on. I'm also writing in my personal journal as much as I can right now.
Brett ended up stealing my bottle of MD 20/20 last night and finished it. I hate that little voice telling me things aren't a good idea. God, I wanted to just get shitfaced last night and I couldn't even do that.
At least I got to escape a little bit.
The emergency room staff saw the bruise across my belly from my fall on Tuesday when I went after Tony. I hit the concrete steps. They think that might have been what caused the miscarriage. The doctor wants me to make a follow-up appointment with my regular doctor and my therapist. I feel so stupid for crying in the er like I did but I broke down. Maybe it was for the best... I don't know.
At least Tony doesn't have to worry about me anymore now... neither does Brett if he wants to up and leave. I refuse to let anything get me down for too long anymore. I can't stand this feeling of depression. I have to admit... it wasn't the best thing to take myself off of my antidepressants. I'm starting to get myself back on them. I'm up to 100 mg of Zoloft from the 200 that the doctor had me on. In a few more days, I'll up it again to the 150 mg dose. God, maybe it wasn't such a good thing for my mother to be a nurse and me know how to get myself off of pills safely and back on them again. At least I'm not stupid about it.
There's no way in hell I can question whether Brett loves me or not after yesterday evening. He could have just walked away and he didn't. Hell, he could have turned his back on me so many times and yet he stayed by my side.
I don't know what to do right now. Should I just continue to hide in other things? I got plenty to do. I have homework, Aurora's birthday party to plan, writing, drawing, rating, video games, packing, cleaning, moving things to the other apartment, and heck, even friends I need to talk to.
Yet... I'm dwelling.
It's pretty sad that I have to admit I just want to hear Tony's voice right now. I miss him and he doesn't even believe me when I say that. He probably doesn't believe a damn word I say.
But I guess I can't blame him. Afterall, I was the ignorant one who thought I might be able to be "shared" by Brett and him in the beginning even though I've seen so many other people bite the dust because of that kind of arrangement.
No more seconds. No more playing around. No more sharing. The one person Brett and I have to agree would have been the perfect second is Chris. That didn't work out though. But I remember how it was when Brett kissed him and everything else. Heh, I remember the feelings I had for him. I still have those feelings. There was no envy... no jealousy... no nothing... except for love, caring, and kindness between all of us. We would watch his three sons so he could go to work and go to the store to get things and everything else.
Right now love seems like just a figment of the human mind. It doesn't even feel like it's tangible. Heck, it's not.
I feel like I'm thinking and talking in nothing but circles... like it always seems like to me and my close friends.
But you want to talk about love... alright. You hurt those who love you the most. You're close to them and therefore, they let their guard down.
Look at me and Brett... he was talking to Erica and yet told me he wasn't. She told me the same and it was nothing but huge lies in the web of the situation. They are both just as guilty as the other I guess. But then again I'm guilty of things too. Looking at my own actions, I was spiteful at times, cold-hearted at others, vengeful at times, and not a friend at all. I've only become a friend again to him recently in the past month. He means so much to me and yet I couldn't even let my guard down around him anymore.
How much did my own actions change though? I went from being so angry with him and telling him I wanted him out... to telling him I wasn't mad and letting him know if he still wanted to see Erica on his visit to Clarksville, TN that he could. Complete opposites, right?
I don't look for Tony to ever talk to me again. I miss him. He can believe me or not when I say that. But it's true.
No matter what happens with anyone, I still hold my feelings for them even when they leave my life.
I have to honestly say I still love the person who sexually abused me for over a year when I was little... they made me who I am. They even taught me a lot about myself. Hell, they taught me I was stronger then I thought and I took control at the end. I have to be grateful for that and I do still love them deeply.
How sick is that? I love my rapist and molester... hell, I miss it at different times. I miss the pain of it. I miss feeling like I have NO control. I miss the intense feelings of desperation and like I'm just a bystander watching things happen to some stranger. I still get jealous when I see them with someone else. That was my attention for so long... how could I not miss it?
Maybe I am too fucked up for anyone to love. It seems like it right now at this moment. But I have to sit here and remember the feel of a cheese grater over my skin, gravel that was dug into my skin, needles places under the skin of my back, my chest, my legs, and my arms, and the nights of wondering if tomorrow was going to be worse.
I have to sit here and remember everything that if Tony never came into my life and didn't stop certain things... then I would have never remembered those feelings, those incidents that I had blocked out, and those damn words spoken in "that" voice.
How can I not love him even more for that? How can I not miss my past? How can I not even dwell on it?
Especially since it's such a big part of who I am. I can't even let Brett go down on me most times or kiss my inner thighs without a flashback being caused! How am I not supposed to concentrate on it and let it rule my life as I have been letting it?
All my anxieties, all of my fears, all of my depression, my urges to self-harm and escape, and the ability to zone and still function... it all comes from my past! How can I not think about it every-damn-day?
03:42 Oct 25 2009
Times Read: 1,226
I've drank. I'm kind of drunk. I've cried. I've slammed into a brick wall. I've ranted to an invisible friend... that isn't invisible but just sleeping. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm wanting to hide.
This hasn't been one of my brightest nights in my life, but it's not the darkest either...
Went to the emergency room tonight to find out that I did have a miscarriage. It was complete. I don't need a D&C clean out thing. They ordered me some more antibiotics for me to take. Told me to look at the bright side of things bull shit. Freakin' nice, huh?
If someone wants to bitch at me, go ahead. I'm probably not replying comments nor messages for a few days, if then.
At least I can be happy that Brett's sat with me through it all.
I'm freakin' out. Good-fuckin'-buhbyes!
15:54 Oct 24 2009
Times Read: 1,253
I can't believe last night. I can't even grasp my thoughts around it.
His answering service has me keeping my appointment so I can get a vaginal ultrasound to make sure I don't need a D&C.
I feel lost. I feel almost numb. I don't think I'm going to be online much.
There's a bright side to everything and I do believe everything happens for a reason. I just can't see the reason for this happening.
23:11 Oct 23 2009
Times Read: 1,267
One of my kitties, Fuzzy, is really sick. She's sneezing like crazy and her nose is bleeding. We don't have the money to take her to the animal hospital.
We're trying to get her to eat some tuna now. The bleeding is pretty bad right now. There's no scratches or areas on her face it can be from and it's coming from inside of her nose.
God, please don't tell me I'm going to end up putting one of my cats to sleep at the animal shelter!
Damn weather changing. The other kitties are over this cold for the most part. I'm was hoping we were out of the storm but I guess it's still got a second wind.
So much for me trying not to stress myself out. Ugh! Can't I ever get a good poker hand?
PRIVATE ENTRY
22:41 Oct 23 2009
Times Read: 1,269
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
22:06 Oct 23 2009
Times Read: 1,281
I'm having a lot of pain today, particularly this evening. My tummy keeps on having muscle spasms and it hurts with sharp pains here and there. I have an appointment with my OB on Monday. I'm hoping to get in and see what the hell is going on. I've spotted a little here and there. I'm hoping it's just something simple like over-stressing my body or something else.
I feel sick though. I feel tired. I feel so freakin' tired that I've fallen asleep about two or three times in Brett's apartment today while him and Aurora were watching a movie.
I'm planning on doing homework and writing in my personal journal for the evening and going to bed early. It's almost like I can't move at times though...
Bottom line:
I'm worried.
14:05 Oct 23 2009
Times Read: 1,306
I forgot to mention last night about Brett's car. We were supposed to go to Tennessee to get it but Anthony is having some problems.
So we are doing packing, cleaning, and homework today. Joy, joy! I'm not going to get a moments peace! LOL!
I was also worried about it being spray day today... it is, but not for our building! You have to know me to get why I was freaking out... I'm scared to death of people coming into my safety zone.
Like I told Tony on Sunday:
It's nothing against him per say or anyone else. But if someone tries to hurt me or does hurt me, I can run home, unlock my door, close it, and lock the world out.
This is the only thing that seems to comfort me when I'm having a really bad day. Especially since what happened the first time Tony left...
04:18 Oct 23 2009
Times Read: 1,313
We've gotten a lot done today. It's almost eleven and I think we're all tired as heck. I twisted my ankle a couple of times but nothing too serious. I'm going to wrap it tomorrow as I clean and get things packed.
We're going to spend tomorrow cleaning, packing, and us getting our homework done. Brett's going to probably take up some of our bookcases up and other simple stuff. I'm hoping he gets his computer parts and junk up there and in the storage before I even have to see any of it or deal with it all!
:-)
We're talking to the maintenance man tomorrow or the next day about certain quirks in the apartment we want to work something out with them. One of the biggest things is Aurora sliding closet doors. We're worried about her pinching her fingers. This goes for the upstairs closet and the washer/dryer area too.
We went and bought four lawn chairs at the Good Will store. There's two for the front lawn and two for our back patio. If we need seats or go to have dinner with someone else there, we can bring them inside for the folding table too!
Other then the sliding closet doors, there isn't much else we have to worry about with Aurora.
We're going to talk to him about a gate on the back patio since we do have Aurora... or installing a child lock on the sliding glass doors.
Aurora got to see her first real close up train today on the tracks! ♥ She was pretty amazed!
We're going to see about installing a shelf in the laundry area. Also about me planting flowers in front in the spring time. ♥ We're going to make this apartment our permanent home for a while... together!
I don't think Brett and I could be doing any better at this moment. We're both doing things for the other and not asking for anything in return. We're both running on no more energy and yet we're worried about the other.
Oh and I got to talk to my mom today. She's pissed at me. She saw Tony and I on Sunday at Wal-mart. She stopped my step-dad before he could say anything to him. I'm happy about that.
But we're on talking terms at least. I explained to her about my point of view. She understands for the most part at least. I explained to her about what I've decided if I can carry through my pregnancy. I can't handle abortion but if I can't handle things, I can cope with giving my child up for adoption if I need to.
We've got so much to do! Ugh! If no one will help Brett move the furniture, as in the couches, our bed, and things like that... then I'm the woman for the job! Woot! Got to love being just as stubborn as I am!
*Sad thing is... I can push a car better then any man who I've seen try up here! How's that for being cock strong?*
Oh... I got my space set up some... well most of my stuffed animals unpacked and how I like them! Hehe! I think Aurora has claimed my beanbag chair! Grrrness!
We have to find homes for two cats. We're getting rid of Skids and Fuzzy. I'm sad about it but I can't keep them all. I'm going to miss them and I'm starting to cry.
I'm looking at fabrics for the windows to make curtains for Aurora's room, our bedroom, drapes for the sliding glass door, and also drapes for between the living room and kitchen. If I'm going to be a stay at home mom for a while longer, I'm going to be a damn good homemaker! I'm crafty anyway!
I'm also thinking about what we're going to do for Aurora's birthday party. I'm not so sure we're going to have the money to do something big... but we have enough room at our new apartment to throw it there once we get unpacked and moved.
She wanted CareBears to be her theme. But since we're not going to have lots of money... I'm going to make decorations and everything else. The whole party will probably cost us less then $40! The biggest thing that is going to cost is her presents... and no, that's not included in the price. Her cake is going to be about $25-$30. I might get a smaller cake and make some cupcakes. I'm going to change the theme to homemade CareBears. I'm going to get a couple of more chairs probably. I'm going to have the folding table. I'm also going to be getting certain colors for the plates, cups, plastic silverware, and also the tablecloth.
No matter what, my daughter is having a great birthday party! I'm trying to figure out how many invitations I need to send out. I need to also try to figure out how many kids since I'm thinking about doing something involving crafts with them.
*smiles* I refuse to let anything get us down right now! I think I'm starting to catch glaces of my old self... but an improved version. This is the closest I've been to getting better in the past two years. I hope I can keep on making progress!
Yikes! It's almost 11:30! Night people!
18:41 Oct 22 2009
Times Read: 1,326
I'm moving a lot of the things right now. As much as possible that is. Brett and Aurora are at the new apartment.
He has asked me not to mention him in my journal once he deletes his accounts and I'm going to respect that. This will be the one time I censor this journal.
Everything imaginable will be going into my personal journals.
*smiles* I'm going to have one room just for me to write, paint, and meditate. My own space. And... yes, it's going to be Hello Kitty in theme.
Everyone wants to know how much I've changed in the past month... before coming back to this apartment to pack and take more things down, I made an offer to Brett.
I let him know if he still wants to meet the other girl, he can. I'll allow it just so there's no what ifs involved. He doesn't want to though. I know where he's coming from with it.
With all of this right now, I haven't asked anything of him but to make sure it's what he wants. The only thing he has asked of me is for me to block two accounts. I have done so.
We're picking up where we left off in Nashville before coming up here... before things became insane... before the anxieties, fears, irritation, and vengeful thoughts and actions came into play.
We're doing this because we want to. It's not for Aurora but we both can't deny she's a factor in it all.
The only other thing I'm going to say right now...
is no heavy lifting my ass! Things need to get done!
Tony... your television you left here weighs a lot! I thought you would like to know you were right about it!
I'm trying not to overdo the lifting but it's got to be done. I am taking breaks though.
02:53 Oct 22 2009
Times Read: 1,339
Here's the rundown of the situation.
Brett liked other girl. He was going to leave for other girl. Tiffy hooked up with a Tony while Brett Brett developed feelings for the other girl. Tony hurt Tiffy by accident or on purpose, it doesn't matter anymore. Brett and Tiffy screamed things out and started working on things. The situation got better by a little. Tiffy's anxieties and depression started to improve. Tiffy felt funny and took a pregnancy test. Showed positive. Tiffy took another pregnancy test. Showed positive again. Tiffy knew this was trouble in the making. Tiffy saw doctor and got a blood test. Doctor saw something he didn't like and Tiffy panicked. Tiffy unblocked a Tony and told him to message her and it was important. The baby in a Tiffy is more then likely Tony's. Tony came back to stay with a Tiffy and Brett Brett for a couple of days. Tony seemed fine the first day and then started to change in Tiffy's eyes. Tony got upset for Tiffy having sexual intercourse with Brett Brett. Tony became jealous, angry and whatever else. He got up and stormed out of the apartment they live in and slammed the door. Tony's attitude was bad in Brett Brett's eyes and Brett wouldn't let him live with him anymore. Tiffy told him he couldn't live with her. Tony got on a modern day carriage and rode away to the next girl in his life. But the night before he left, something magical happened. Brett Brett and Tiffy talked in his new home. They got along and understood each other more then previously. Brett Brett made decisions in the time he spent thinking and he planned on disappearing from lives of others to be with a Tiffy again. Tiffy asked him not to disappear but she knew why he was doing it. This made a Tiffy fall even more in love with him then before. It made a certain Tiffy happy and overwhelmed with smiles and tears. It made her smile even more that Brett Brett confessed some things he was keeping away from her. He told her about his conversations with the other girl when they did argue or fight. He also fessed up to going to take his new wagon to visit the other girl on his way back from Tennessee. This all made a Tiffy cry but she wouldn't hurt him nor would she hit him in the face for telling her something she already knew. A Tiffy came to the decision of going through with the pregnancy because she wants to for herself. She decided there's other options then killing an innocent. As for a Brett Brett, he's happily asked a Tiffy and their daughter to move in with him at his new home. She hasn't asked for anything, but she's received the gift of a lifetime. This gift was given to her and not taken... and no one can ever change that gift he gave to her.
-Ariel.
Here's the message I sent to someone who has given me the gift of friendship and support. It means a lot to me. Thank you.
"The probability that Tony is the father is really high. I'm sure I'm pregnant because I have taken two at home pregnancy tests with both saying positive. I'm getting blood work done for my OB today. I've had a lot of pain so far. It's mostly on the left side in a certain spot. Brett's close family and my mom think I should look at abortion, especially since my psychiatrist thinks I will have a breakdown... but I don't believe in it and neither does Brett.
I know it made me look very shady and like a liar. I didn't mean for it to do so. I know he's never going to change now and he got on a greyhound bus today to get out of here. Everything I've done, there's been a reason as of late. I didn't want to wonder what if since it had seemed like he had changed. I still wonder what if at times with my exboyfriend, Tommy. But if he wouldn't have stayed here for those two days... Nothing would have come out of the closet with Brett and I. We've swallowed our pride. He's just waiting on my answer. I've decided I am going to move in with him in the next month or two but whether I put a label on it just yet or not, I'm not sure. He's looking for a new start just as I am. I'm happy for the fact he finally told me that he has been talking to Erica and was planning on seeing her on his way back from Nashville. I'm not even upset about it because I had already knew it based on his actions. He's giving her up in his life without me asking for it now. He's giving me his love and attention that I have been showing him for the past couple of weeks. When Tony was here, I started to revert back in my actions. It made me more confident that I won't regret ever turning him away. It also forced Brett to think about the situation and decide what HE WANTS and not based on me or Aurora and that's what I wanted. That's why I wasn't angry with him about planning to see Erica. It was his choice to make. I'll admit I started crying when he told me but I wasn't hateful. He was waiting for me to hit him in the face... hell, he told me to hit him and I wouldn't.
I know she's not going to believe him when he messages her to tell her that he's deleting and it's of his own choice. I asked him not to delete. Heck, I was even willing to try to let him talk to her. He's made his choice though and I'm happy for him to decide not to run from his problems.
His decision has made me happy and means more to me then I think he knows. He made it and wasn't forced into it. He made it being quite confident he's not going to look back and wonder what if.
We're focusing on us both getting better. No grudges being held for things in the past. I think I've finally let go of the grudge of him cheating on me when we were first together.
I'm looking forward to getting better.
For myself.
Aurora.
This child.
Brett.
And a few others.
We're looking towards the future together and with a smile on our faces now.
I've had a chance to be with two different exes and also two best friends to get with them. They would support me and Aurora if I needed it or wanted it. I don't. I want to get better. I want to get into the Alliance that I'm looking forward to so much. I want to heal from my past, instead of dwelling on it.
A quote that fits me the most in the past two years and most of my life is:
"Don't become a victim of yourself.
Forget about the thief waiting in the alley;
what about the thief in your mind?"
-Jim Rohn
I'm happy I got my diagnoses papers. It put a lot of things in perspective. If I would not have looked up about one diagnosis in particular, I don't believe I would have made progress this much. I have a personality disorder. I fit perfectly in five different disorders of it. The psychiatrist agrees with the five. The only way to get better, is realizing where you are going wrong. I've seen a lot of my actions in a new light... especially where I was spiteful towards Brett, instead of supporting him. Yet, if I do abortion with this pregnancy, he will still support me. I can't thank him enough for everything he has sat through with me. I can't ever make everything up to him, other then getting better myself and focusing on myself, Aurora and lastly my relationship with him.
Even though Tony left this morning without even giving me a hug... I'm still sitting here with a goofy smile on my face like he saw on Sunday. It's not because I was next to him. It was because I got the closure I needed. It's because I'm getting better and I can see it!"
20:08 Oct 21 2009
Times Read: 1,364
I got one last present from Mr. Toe-toe aka Tony. I just got a knock on my door and I got served an eviction notice. Someone made a noise complaint on us yesterday for him slamming the door.
Thank god, Brett and I have said our peace and we've decided since this notice that we are moving in together. He gave me a choice yesterday evening of whether he wanted me to move in with him.
I don't have much of a choice now, I guess. I'm just happy with everything happening between Brett and I.
Tony wouldn't even give me a hug this morning. I feel like he has already written me off...
I have bigger problems then that. I have more to think about then him.
I have ten days for Brett and me to move everything to the other apartment and get settled in. Otherwise, I have a 23 month old little girl and I'll be looking for somewhere to live.
Heck, my mom still isn't talking to me about things.
I might not be online for a GOOD while though!
06:42 Oct 21 2009
Times Read: 1,383
Right at this moment, I feel so stupid.
Apparently, I haven't changed at all according to Tony. I'm still as bad as I was... and I guess it's me that fucked it all up.
All I can say is I don't regret the choices I have made and I don't think I ever will.
He has a place to go. I already told him tonight of Brett's choice.
That choice is Brett's to make and he has made it. Him and I don't see that much of a change in Tony's attitude. He sealed his fate with Brett when he walked out the door in anger. He doesn't want him moving in with him.
My choice and promises are if he moves out, then no one else moves in with me.
I plan on keeping those promises.
I guess he's leaving tomorrow since I'm going to Nashville with Brett to pick up his car on Thursday. I'm not sure if we're going to stay for a couple of days or not. I want to see Anthony though.
I need to get to sleep. My tummy is hurting. I might as well spill it here and now... I'm pregnant.
Night people.
17:07 Oct 19 2009
Times Read: 1,419
*sings* Tony got a job! Tony got a job! *stops*
Where's my 25 cents now, Grandpappy?
Hehe!
He just called from the mall, where Brett dropped him off... and he's got a job already! Woot!
This makes me really optimistic even more that he has changed for the better.
And Tony, I'm not looking into the future with either of you and I have told you that and him too.
I'm waiting to be single for a GOOD while. And no, that doesn't mean you can hook up with other girls!
Grrrness! *ears start smoking a greenish color!* The jealousy will get to me and the paranoia too!
... Oh one thing about the apartment complex Brett's moving to and you're staying at...
No parties allowed!
*smiles* He's going to possibly get a D&D group together though! Yay!
15:33 Oct 19 2009
Times Read: 1,430
Ahhh! He's in! He's in! He's in!
*jumps for joy*
Brett Brett approved! Woot woot!
I'm so happy for him!
04:48 Oct 19 2009
Times Read: 1,448
I spent about eight hours with him today. We had fun and talked a lot. He's changed. I can see it in his eyes and the way he even carries himself now. He doesn't seem to be that same asshole who left my apartment the day the door went slamming on my foot.
He's coming here tomorrow night to watch movies. *smiles* He's not moving in with me. The most that will happen is him staying for a few days as a friend and him staying with Brett after in Brett's apartment.
Brett's trying to make it so I can at least try to get a friendship back with Tony.
Hehe! Tony called me his girlfriend today in Wal-mart. It made me blush.
I'm not ready to be with anyone. I don't consider anyone my boyfriend. But him and I are working on us.
You know, it's times like these that I hate how much I love Brett, him, Tommy, and Eric. I hate how confused I get about who I want to be with. I think about them all so much.
I won't talk to any of my exes right now except to make sure they are okay. But the only ones I'm talking to are Brett and Tony.
08:07 Oct 18 2009
Times Read: 1,472
It's 3 in the morning and I still can't sleep. No matter how I lay, I can't get comfortable.
So, what am I doing?
Writing, well typing in a word document, my thoughts on my mind so I can try to sleep again in a little bit.
I'm debating about getting my homework done so I can sleep in until Tony calls me to meet him.
Ugh! I need to get my homework done. But I need sleep more at this moment. I feel insanely nauseous and my fever is picking back up.
I'm tired of coughing up my lungs!
I'm going back to typing. Later.
04:30 Oct 18 2009
Times Read: 1,490
This might turn out bad but it might turn out good. I need to find out for myself. I want to at least be friends with him.
♥
I know I still love him. It hurt to hear his voice tonight. I hope he didn't notice I was crying when I said later.
I'm going to see him tomorrow afternoon in a public place. I need to do this for myself.
Aunt Gina, please don't tell anyone. This isn't meant to offend you but you are family and my mom would get angry with me.
*smiles* I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm actually smiling right now thinking about even giving him a hug.
I'm scared of what this all can bring though.
At least I can promise, he's not moving back in. I have enough things going on without worrying about anyone living with me other then Aurora and my kitties!
No one is moving in!
Call me stupid or whatever though... but I'm going.
PRIVATE ENTRY
01:21 Oct 18 2009
Times Read: 1,493
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
PRIVATE ENTRY
00:57 Oct 18 2009
Times Read: 1,495
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
DreamlessNight
00:35 Oct 17 2009
Times Read: 1,517
Yes, you are unblocked. Yes, it means I need to talk to you out of necessity and not desire to do so. Message me when you can. I need to know some information before the end of the weekend.
I have a huge decision to make and need to know some things before doing so.
17:48 Oct 16 2009
Times Read: 1,531
My fever is at 102.3 and I feel like shit.
I've been up all night puking. My throat feels completely raw. My head is pounding. I've been coughing and sneezing. I feel like at any given time, I'm going to just pass out.
Thank god, Brett's home today.
00:02 Oct 16 2009
Times Read: 1,547
So many things are happening that I can't keep up with them anymore. I'm trying so hard to get better and yet I'm probably going to end up making the hardest decision of my life.
I just really want to hide right now and I have no where to go. I'm still crying from watching Marley & Me with Brett.
I also checked on something. I wish I would have got the result I wanted so badly but I didn't. I guess there's no one to blame but myself.
I'm trying to help Brett. I'm still working on me. I might just have a major set back. I'm hoping not.
00:08 Oct 15 2009
Times Read: 1,571
You know it's bad when you are about to drop your own little A-Bomb because you're tired of things some people say...
I wonder who it's going to drop on first!
*smiles innocently* Wanna be first in line?
14:43 Oct 14 2009
Times Read: 1,583
Woot woot! Out of eleven homework assignments I've been needing to get done and behind on... I only have five left!
I got done with six damn assignments! I'm hoping to get done before this evening but I'm going to take a little bit of a break for now so I can get some basic cleaning done.
I've been watching movies I've already seen this morning while I do all of this. I watched Shrek *the first one* and now I'm watching the second of "The Mummy" series. I'm hoping to get to relax and watch the third one today without being distracted by homework! I doubt it though!
I'm just concentrating on my Introduction to Computing class. I know I called it my Networking class a few times this month but that's what we've been covering... is networking. Plus it's easy to mistake it all because Brett is in a Introduction to Networking class. LOL!
Going to clean...
12:52 Oct 14 2009
Times Read: 1,586
I'm happy. Today marks the two week period of me and Brett working on things for six months. It hasn't even been a month and we've both been improving! It hasn't been a month yet and he's able to see his feelings for me once again. He doesn't feel them to the point they once were but they are there damn it.
I'm happy because think of how strong it can grow and be nurtured by the end of six months.
In this two week period, we've only had one fight. Sad thing is that one fight was about the other girl. He wanted to still be able to be friends with her and I explained to him how it isn't really possible for him to do so while him and I are working on things.
I mean, how the hell would he be able to work on us while even reading her journal? Especially when I, myself, feel somewhat guilty when I do read about what she writes. It reminds me of someone though. It honestly reminds me of Tony before him and I met in person. It even reminds me of the games he played. That in itself makes me nervous and makes me wonder what the heck.
Is it jealousy talking or something more? I haven't really been feeling jealous or envious of her anymore. She's "young" and she's got a lot more going for her then she thinks. I have to go with my dreams and feelings on this and say it's best for Brett and me to work things out. My feelings have never been wrong... even about Tony.
But it has only been one fight in fourteen days. That's a personal best for us living under the same roof in the past year! God, that in itself is pathetic.
I'm happy for the change though! I'm excited about it. I know everything is going to work out.
The flame of hope is getting stronger!
I rawr you, my Meanie Mouse!
I can't wait to see what this six month period brings us! Our connection grows stronger as our love is rediscovered and hopefully, revived!
♥
11:32 Oct 14 2009
Times Read: 1,590
So I have a lot more homework to get done today then Brett knows about. It's not that I've lied to him but I really needed to escape it all yesterday.
Aurora shouldn't be awake for another hour or two. I should be able to get at least a couple assignments done in that time.
:-)
I'm going to get it all done. No ifs, ands, or buts about it!
After all, I'm a Tiffy!
*Please don't lecture me when you see this Brett Brett. I know you are probably going to log on here when you are waiting for your classes to start!*
I love you, my Meanie Mouse. *squeak flippity squeak*
04:59 Oct 14 2009
Times Read: 1,594
I just got done writing about my dad. It's still not everything I wanted to write today but it's a lot. I got done four minutes before midnight.
I'm tired as hell and going to bed. I can't stay up anymore to write. The words are actually blurring together and my sentences are not making sense in my own head.
I might write more tomorrow, I'm not sure.
In total, I've written thirteen pages about my daddy today.
:-)
I love you, daddy.
You will never be forgotten.
03:14 Oct 14 2009
Times Read: 1,596
So far today I've written eight pages about my daddy, my memories of him and me, little things about him I can remember, and my feelings surrounding his death.
I'm getting off of here to write some more in there. I don't want to stop writing just in case I'm not in the same mindset tomorrow. I'm feeling better since writing out a lot of things about my daddy... but I'm happy I've only felt so depressed I've cried a few times today and that's mostly form not getting to go to the graveyard like I had planned on doing.
Every year I look forward to going to not only mourn my daddy, but to remember the littlest detail about him and to remember the relationship I always had with him.
I've been really looking forward to today to go talk with him by myself and write so many things that I can only remember when talking with his presence. Yet, I didn't get to go...
Here I go again getting upset with it.
As for everything else, I'm not willing to hold my tongue and censor what I write for anyone. It's not worth the anger building up nor the stress of it doing so. I would rather put my thoughts out there and get them down.
I write a lot worse things in my personal journal about people who get to me in some way or another. Hell, some of my friends have gotten mad at me before because I let them read what I really thought about something they did.
When you don't have an audience, it's surprising what one can write.
People mention me and my decisions in their journal... so surprise, surprise, I mention them again. I guess it's only fair in a couple of ways. But I'm going to get out what I have to say one way or another. I don't drop things and I dwell a lot. It's one of my downfalls but I've actually been diagnosed with something where that is a symptom. So it isn't so surprising I've got grudges I've been holding since I was six and seven years old!
Going to write. Later people.
23:05 Oct 13 2009
Times Read: 1,610
I just told him that "they" were in my journal while we were at the store. He said he doesn't care that it doesn't phase him right now.
God, that makes me smile right now. It makes me feel like everything will be okay in the end. He's already told me that there is hope. He also said it mostly depends on me getting better in several different ways. That alone makes me feel like I have some control over it.
Just the fact that those feelings he had towards me are appearing again makes me feel a little bit better and somewhat motivated.
I'm not sure how often I'm going to go out of the apartment though since the weather is getting cold now. It's killing my back and legs. I'm dealing though.
Aurora's going to decorate a pumpkin tomorrow evening or on Thursday with some permanent markers. She's going to love it!
*Thinks* God, I really need to find my camera cable to hook it up to my computer! I have a lot of awesome pictures!
19:56 Oct 13 2009
Times Read: 1,625
For the people who have kept up with my journal and things. I'm not having the best day. I've been crying and writing for most of it. I'm trying to remember as much as I can about my daddy. I can't go to the graveyard today since Brett needs my money for gas to get to class tomorrow until his money shows up. It's getting to me.
Everything is getting to me.
I'm tired of people thinking Brett's being forced into the current situation. I'll admit it was like that in the beginning... but, and this is a big, huge but... he's no longer being forced into it. The feelings he once had for me are starting to return and show up again. They are no where near as strong as they were but they're there.
He's not trapped though. I even told him that he doesn't have to work on things with me. I know that if things don't work out, I will avoid him for a long while. But I don't think I could keep Aurora away from him forever. I know that. I know it's a natural defense mechanism too... especially for a mother who has been severely hurt and also in a position where everything in her life feels threaten.
I'm not making excuses for what I have said. I admit I have said them and at the time they were true. But as Brett has pointed out... things change.
Just like I'll admit I know he resents me for telling him all or nothing. But I resent him for other things too. Heck, I'm left with anger building up today because I can't go to the graveyard to be with my dad today because of his actions. I'm sure he already knows this too.
I know there are a couple of people saying he is trapped though. He's not. In a couple of ways, he is trapped... but in a couple of different ways, so am I.
Hell on some different issues, we are fighting for control and leaving no room for compromise. But those issues are left between me and him and it's really no one else's business.
I'm done talking to people who have been doing nothing but add stress to the situation. I'm leaving Tony blocked... I'm blocking RE and a couple of others. I don't plan on talking to them again and if you get blocked, you will know why.
If I'm going to get better... first thing is I have to eliminate unnecessary stress. I'm doing so these next few days.
I've been getting better though! I drove the other day to my mom's house and stayed for a couple of hours. I've been getting my homework done like I'm supposed to. I've been cleaning insanely and keeping up with Aurora.
Today is my day to be a sloth though. It's a day of mourning and Brett's dealing with everything. *smiles* I'm really grateful for it too!
Oh and I had some weird ass dream about zombies last night! I'm with the smart chick...
I wasn't in the dream but it took place in a building where all exits were not possible to get out of. There were sets of stairs and a lot of rooms. It reminded me a lot of a school building in a couple of ways. But the smart girl had a scythe and was killing zombies as they came up the stairs. Once she killed about four she hid in the bodies and smeared the blood on her so she blended in... She was killing the zombies as they went by her and none of them caught on!
Woot! I'm with her when there's a zombie invasion!
17:44 Oct 12 2009
Times Read: 1,679
The one thing you don't want happening while you are masturbating for the first time in over a month is your mother calling you and asking you in "that voice" what are you doing!
God, I wanna cry!
*laughs*
I'm a bad little Tiffy I guess...
At least I feel a little bit better from it though! LOL! A lot of bit better in all reality.
Woot!
01:57 Oct 12 2009
Times Read: 1,696
It's a T-Rex situation!
The feelings are there, just fossilized now!
Woot!
Brett, I rawr you!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
22:08 Oct 11 2009
Times Read: 1,705
I hate how people can't seem to ever keep their word to me. When you say something do it. When you say you won't do something, then don't. It's a pretty simple concept that I guess a lot of people don't understand or choose not to follow.
When you don't have your word, you have nothing in life.
It's what your honor is. It's what your impression with me is based on.
I guess certain people are not to be trusted no matter what. I should have known better but I need to learn that lesson again and again. I still don't get it.
At least I can almost always depend on my own word. I say what I mean and mean what I say at that time. I never regret the words I speak because at the time I spoke them, it's what I believed to be true and also what I meant to say.
I'm eliminating stress in different places so I can concentrate more on me getting better. Brett has told me that it does all depend on me getting better on whether we get back together or not.
I'm trying to take preventive measures though. I'm not talking to a person who this journal entry is sort of directed at and in so many ways it's not. It's directed at everyone in my life.
But I'm not going to talk to people who cause me unnecessary stress. I'm not going to put myself in more stressful situations as much as I can control it. I'm trying to avoid crowds until I get a lot better. I'm eating or trying to eat healthy since I've been vomiting a lot. I'm trying to get enough sleep so I'm not so cranky in the morning. I'm trying to also not force myself into things because of someone else. I'm doing things (going out of the apartment) on my own terms so I can feel somewhat safe. I'm also being more truthful to friends and family about my anxieties so they can try to understand where I'm coming from. I think the two biggest things I'm doing right now is writing in my personal journal every day and also trying to stay realistic with my goals and expectations with myself, along with those I have for other people.
I've been thinking about a lot of things in the past week. I'm not so sure I understand everything I've thought about but I'm writing as I go so I can reread a lot of it.
I'm going to go get a shower, go for a little bit of a walk, and get more homework done.
My internet is all screwy and it's frustrating what happened...
I got all of my Labsims done just to find out when I went to submit them that they didn't go through because of the internet. Which means... I have to do them ALL again!
PRIVATE ENTRY
21:51 Oct 11 2009
Times Read: 1,706
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
20:13 Oct 11 2009
Times Read: 1,715
There's a few songs that remind me of my daddy. I'm listening to them on my mp3 player and starting to bawl my eyes out while doing homework.
1. Garth Brooks "When you come back to me again"
"When You Come Back To Me Again"
"There's a ship out
On the ocean
At the mercy of the sea
It's been tossed about
Lost and broken
Wandering aimlessly
And God somehow
You know that ship is me
'Cause there's a lighthouse
In the harbour
Shining faithfully
Pouring its light out
Across the water
For this sinking soul to see
That someone out there
Still believes in me
On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and
It keeps me hanging on
Raining down
Against the wind
I'm reaching out till
We reach the circle's end
When you come
Back to me again
There's a moment
We all come to
In our own time and
Our own space
Where all that we've done
We can undo
If our heart's
In the right place
On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and
It keeps me hanging on
Raining down
Against the wind
I'm reaching out till
We reach the circle's end
When you come
Back to me again
And again I see
My yesterday's in front of me
Unfolding like a mystery
You're changing all that is
And used to be
On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and
It keeps me hanging on
Raining down
Against the wind
I'm reaching out till
We reach the circle's end
When you come
Back to me again
When you come
Back to me again"
*My daddy was always the one there for me first thing in the morning or getting on me about my homework as soon as I got home. He was always there for me. He believed in me. I looked for his approval and now I feel so lost now that I can't so anymore. I look for other people now to cling to and I can't do that anymore. My dad was my best friend ever.*
2. Holly Dunn "Daddy's Hands"
"I remember Daddy´s hands, folded silently in prayer.
And reaching out to hold me, when I had a nightmare.
You could read quite a story, in the callouses and lines.
Years of work and worry had left their mark behind.
I remember Daddy´s hands, how they held my Mama tight,
And patted my back, for something done right.
There are things that I´ve forgotten, that I loved about the man,
But I´ll always remember the love in Daddy´s hands.
Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.
I remember Daddy´s hands, working 'til they bled.
Sacrificed unselfishly, just to keep us all fed.
If I could do things over, I´d live my life again.
And never take for granted the love in Daddy´s hands.
Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.
Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love .....
In Daddy´s hands."
*My sister actually picked this song to be played at my dad's funeral. I think the song speaks for itself.*
3. Lonestar "I'm already there"
"He called her on the road
From a lonely cold hotel room
Just to hear her say I love you one more time
And when he heard the sound
Of the kids laughing in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye
A little voice came on the phone
And said "Daddy when you coming home"
He said the first thing that came to his mind
I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there
She got back on the phone
Said I really miss you darling
Don't worry about the kids they'll be alright
Wish I was in your arms
Lying right there beside you
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight
And I'll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light and close your eyes
I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there
We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you wherever you are
I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there
Oh I'm already
There"
*This one it's more the chorus then anything. It reminds me that all I have to do is look around and I can feel my dad everywhere. I don't have any voice recording of my dad's voice and I really wish I did. I'm hoping to discover some cassette tapes or something with his voice on them. Even if it's just him speaking one little word.*
4. Martina McBride "Concrete Angel"
"She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh
The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel
Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel
A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel"
*This one is more a selfish song then anything. I can relate to it a lot since I was sexually abused while growing up. No, it wasn't my dad that did so. I hate when people assume that! But the day before my dad died, I came out at school as being bisexual because I was tired of the popular kids saying nasty remarks about my friend, Tad. I came out in anger. I listened to this song and sang with it over 30 times the day before my dad died. He heard me for hours singing it as loud as I could to try to get the thoughts of hurting myself out of my head. The morning my dad passed away, before I went to school he made me promise that I wouldn't hurt myself. I was foolish and blew it off as he meant about me going through the school day. I had a feeling he was going to die from my dreams, his actions, and everything else that happened that morning. I just wanted to ignore it though. I'm always going to feel guilty about that. I know he wanted me to leave so he could go in peace but it still hurts that I might have been able to help him some. But what kind of life would he had if I did? He would have been in pain more and more until he couldn't take it anymore. I know that but I still feel horrible about it. This is the song I had played at his funeral.*
18:34 Oct 11 2009
Times Read: 1,720
Comcast is having issues and I need to get more homework done. Ugh! Things are not working in my favor right now.
Some things happened last night that I'm not happy about. I won't say it here though.
I actually went out by myself driving to my mom's house that is about five-ten minutes away. I'm proud of myself though since I'm scared to get behind the wheel of a car.
I don't know if I'm looking forward to Tuesday or not. I'm half tempted to back out of it and just stay home. I'm not sure.
I'm tired of trying to get better and then something immediately happening that makes me want to give up. I'm seriously thinking about asking my close friends to write me those letters so I feel not so alone. I don't know yet.
Going to try to get my labs done. Later!
03:01 Oct 10 2009
Times Read: 1,751
I'm irritated with Brett right now. I was working on my homework and he just HAD to order the newest Hannah Montana movie.
I love watching Hannah Montana! I asked him not to order it... and what happens? He did!
So now I can't concentrate on my homework and I'm trying to not get frustrated or too badly irritated by it...
But it's not working!
19:46 Oct 09 2009
Times Read: 1,762
I just got back about five or ten minutes ago. I went for a walk by myself and stayed out for about an hour.
I'm pretty damn proud of myself for this accomplishment!
I went to a part of town I've never been in before.
I'll admit I was scared shitless. Someone's dog came out of their yard growling as it came and I ended up taking two anxiety pills.
But I did it. I went out, walked about a mile, and didn't run away from my fears!
17:59 Oct 09 2009
Times Read: 1,775
I'm going by myself. This is a big step for me. I don't know how long I'll be gone but the point is I'm going.
Wish me luck!
12:32 Oct 08 2009
Times Read: 1,801
Today is the third day this week I have an appointment. This one is with my primary doctor. I have to see to get my leg checked out again. I also need to talk with him about my back.
Yesterday, it was my therapist. She already did the paperwork for me to get a case manager. She also explained to me about a little bit more of what they actually do.
And on Tuesday, it was my psychiatrist. That was a LONG appointment. I have to really like my psychiatrist because he will take extra time to talk with me and explain answers to questions I have. Not many I have seen in the past will do that!
So since I have an appointment in the afternoon today, I'm trying to get some of my homework done and talk with a couple of friends.
PRIVATE ENTRY
00:53 Oct 07 2009
Times Read: 1,826
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
PRIVATE ENTRY
16:35 Oct 06 2009
Times Read: 1,858
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
PRIVATE ENTRY
15:00 Oct 06 2009
Times Read: 1,886
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
14:32 Oct 06 2009
Times Read: 1,895
Because I know he's going to delete my comment:
"I know you're going to delete this but hell, you complained about no comments on your journal when you lived here...
But I never told you to get over me. I have to right to read what I want. And I don't lie, Tony. Or haven't you realized that yet?
When are you starting on that 13 hour walk? Just so I know not to go out that day in fear I might see you."
In reply to this journal entry of his:
"funny
08:27:04 - Oct 06 2009
Times Read: 3
How people tell you they are over you, or they want you to be over them.
Yet, they cant quit writing and lieing and bashing about you. aint that funny?
so, apparently they are not over you?
Kinda pathetic how they tell you to get over them, yet they keep writing about you. Pretty immature."
And sweetie, I hate to tell you, it's not bashing if it's true.
Here's the other entry of his:
"so cute
08:16:24 - Oct 06 2009
Times Read: 3
How you lie so much.
1.) never told you to keep it a secret.
2.) i texted you maybe once a day...if that.
3.) You broke endless promises.
4.) you like to lie, thats just so cute.
But hey, your just like the other one, aint you? you lie and seek to point out only lies and bad things about people, just to make yourself look better.
and as far as your nickname, people can quit lieing about that too. i called you that, baisis on your name. when i saw it, the nick name was the first thing that popped into my head.
Have your lie fest all you want.
Glad we are done. Now he can have the problems with you, that i had."
My only response is you told me the day you left that you only named her Gemi to make me jealous. I knew the whole time you were trying to make me jealous which is why I didn't respond how you wanted me to.
And come to think of it, maybe I should have went ahead and had sex, given blowjobs, and given handjobs to Brett like you accused me of. At least then I would have felt better about all the mind games you played with me.
Before you ask, no, we don't have your hoodie.
14:19 Oct 06 2009
Times Read: 1,897
I have so much I need to get done. I want to get as much homework done as possible since Tuesday is the anniversary of my dad's death. I want to help Brett pack his things and have time to help him find a place. I need to get in contact with Welfare and the Social Security office. I have a psychiatrist appointment today.
We thought it was yesterday! We drove 11 miles with Brett forcing me out of the apartment and me crying by the time we got there to discover the doors were locked.
I feel just as anxious if not more today. I want to lock myself in the bathroom but I know that's not happening.
I'm trying to stay busy. There's plenty of horror movies on for me to watch until Brett gets home and I can work on my homework. I started writing in my journal this morning. Nothing like everything I wrote and did yesterday but I don't know if I can top all of those emotions.
Brett overslept this morning. I got him up at 7:24 and he has to be to class by 8 am. He got out of here in about ten minutes. I'm pretty sure he made it to class in time. I can't be sure until he gets home. So I'm glad I woke up from a nightmare thinking something was wrong.
I hope to get to write more and continue on my thoughts from yesterday but until I get a chance to, I'm going for my homework!
00:25 Oct 06 2009
Times Read: 1,930
Brett already said I could put this here. I want him to be able to read it and it also shows the real me. It shows the one he fell in love with and not who I have been.
It's from my personal, real-life journal that I spent most of today writing in. It's word for word and I'm not going to post my message to my one friend but it's mentioned in the beginning.
Here goes nothing!
"My own message to A on MySpace. I let Brett read this the other day and I still stand by everything I've said throughout this whole situation but I literally feel like I've cornered him and forced him into my solution for it all.
I'm beginning to become scared of this silence again. I hate how many different things are going on. No one really knows what is going on during this whole situation except B, A, E, and S."
*I omitted this part out of respect for my own problems. I do not know what is going on with this part so I'm going to keep quiet about it all for now.*
"I still feel horrible about making him sign that piece of paper when he said he would give me full custody of Aurora.
I'm trying to work things out with him. I love him so much. I am trying everything to make all of this easier for him. I'm been even trying to talk with E just so he might be able to be friends with her. I hope I can show him how much I love him and I can change back to the old me again! I can't make any promises but I can try my damnedest and hope it's not too late! I hate how it seems like we're now listening to each other and thinking of the other but is it too late now for us to fix things?
I know I want to be with Brett and only Brett. I'm sure of my feelings. But how can we revive the relationship between us? And I think the question that has to be asked right now is can he talk to her without acting on his feelings and also giving me a fair chance?
I'm so scared to even make a move since I really don't know how he feels on any of this. There is a part of me that thinks I'm just pushing him away by telling him that he can't talk to her. I feel it is his decision to make whether he does or not. I feel like one of the main reasons he wants to talk to her so bad is because I'm telling him that he can't and he wants that control! I hope this isn't the case since he would be doing it in spite of me. I do believe it is a mirror and that he does not want to feel love for me because of all the controlling I've been doing. I keep on feeling like I'm going to regret letting him talk to her. But maybe I need to risk everything in order for him to find those feelings for me he's lost and also for him to realize just how much I do really love him and that I do care! Maybe that is the only way for us to try to fix things! But could I honestly support them both if things don't work out?
But I also think I need to start learning to risk everything in the name of love again! What happened to that girl from a small town area to go to Nashville, TN on a whim because she was so deeply in love with someone almost three years ago... What happened to that Tiffy? I know that is the one he fell head over heels for!
Love is more powerful then fear and yet what's going on with me? I'm scared to death to let him to have freedom to make his own choices! What the hell happened to the girl who put her own feelings aside to help him figure out who he loved before she ever had the chance to hug him or anything else? What happened to me? Have I really become this bitter by the age of twenty-two?
I never meant to hurt the only one I've ever felt this close to and yet that's all I've been doing! I don't know if he can ever forgive me for holding his past actions against him! I really hope he can be patient with me and try to work through all this together... I just pray I haven't realized all of this too late!
I don't think I could possibly express all of this in spoken word just yet. I don't think I can swallow all of my pride just yet either. But I need to let him know all of this and more. I'm thinking about letting him read all that I've written here but I feel that would be less personal somehow. I'm thinking of reading it all aloud but I'm afraid to breakdown and show any more weakness then I already have.
But isn't love about showing all of your flaws and weaknesses and trust the love of your life not to break your heart completely."
He came home, I read and then began to write again...
"Brett's home and I had him listen to the song "Don't Forget" by Demi Lovato. I asked him what the song meant to him. When he couldn't answer, I asked him whose perspective he thought the song was coming from. Me or him. I can't blame him for replying that it was from mine considering how many things have been centered around me, my anxieties, and my fears. But the song is from his view. I found it by chance yesterday and I'm glad I did! I have forgotten over the past couple of years what love is actually meant to mean and be like. I can't blame him if he does leave me for her or someone else.
I don't deserve him after all of this. I think this is truly the first time in over a year that I deserve to wear his collar.
I have to thank everyone on Vampire Rave for chewing out my butt and trying to get through to me. I think I owe the biggest thank you to E for helping me to see where all I was in the wrong!
I'm scared once Brett has all of this in front of him... he will think I'm just saying all of these things to try to win him over and that's not the case. I know him saying he believes its all a mind game or lies is my biggest fear but I need to let out all of this whether I get hurt or not, especially since I will probably lose him soon.
I know he needs to move out and be on his own to get control back and to try to find himself. I'm terrified of that day coming even with his promise for six months of working on our relationship. His word means the world to me and I'm not too confident in him knowing that. What happens if I keep on pushing him away without meaning to and if I tell him one thing and my fears and mood swings cloud my reality again? I love him more then anything except my daughter and my daddy. I'm not sure anyone else has ever made me feel this way. He was even trying to tell me about everything in his own way and I was too blinded by fear to even see what he was trying to show me. I haven't really stopped for a minute to think about his fears!
I've been nothing but selfish about it all. We always promised each other friendship first and relationship last. Where the hell did I completely stop trying?
I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. I feel like I'm literally battling with myself for control over everything just so I feel safe. Every time I think I'm on solid ground, something else happens. I decide on something and ten minutes later, I'm changing my mind yet again! I feel like I'm dragging his heart through the mud and the weeds before I realized this morning and all day the truth behind everything!
I love you, Brett.
This song is for you and I hope we can be together again!
"Don't Forget"
By: Demi Lovato
Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me
Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us
But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget
We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us
But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all
And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
I won't forget us
But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us
Don't forget
I'm sorry for everything, Brett. I really am. I don't know how to make this up to you other then trying to become your friend again. I love you."
PRIVATE ENTRY
01:44 Oct 05 2009
Times Read: 1,968
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23:58 Oct 04 2009
Times Read: 1,978
I've been talking with the one person I didn't think I would talk to. I plan on keeping up my conversation with them, if they want to that is. Maybe I could become friends with them in the end. *shrugs*
I've been listening to music for the most part! I made a playlist on my computer of music that reminds me of the situation with Brett and even Tony. I'm not going to put together one just for Tony. I don't think the situation calls for.
The list is over 40 songs. I guess that either really good or really bad.
My kismet is now:
"Fuck what I did, it's your fault somehow!"
It's from one of the songs. It's aimed at the situation of Tony and me when I punched him in self defense to get him to drop his fist after slamming my leg in the door.
He claims I'm trying to make people feel sorry for me but that's not the case at all. I'm trying to get my anger, my worries, my fears, and my other emotions out in here. That's what I've always done.
I talked to Courtney again today. She's doing worse. I miss her a lot but I don't have the gas to go see her. *pouts* She's starting to lose her hair now. She bought two wigs but she's afraid of shedding on them. She has chemo once a week right now and they aren't sure whether it's helping or not. She's already told me that neither Tony or Brett are allowed at her place again.
Aurora is doing good. I have to thank my aunt for the comment on my previous journal entry. She sees Aurora more then any of my other family other then my mom and step-dad. She's healthy and heck, I even shield her from my anxiety most of the time. I'll admit there are those few select times in the store I have to take an anxiety pill in front of her but it's not often.
As for my anxiety, it's getting worse and better at the same time. I haven't been taking my anxiety medication like I'm supposed to because of people's comments on here and Brett's own comments and remarks to me. I'm scared of losing my daughter and I would rather try to deal with my anxiety then take a single pill in front of her.
Now, I have to ask myself, is this really the best thing for me? To not take my medicine like I'm supposed to... I have an appointment tomorrow and I'll talk to my psychiatrist about it.
My therapy appointment is this week to. God, am I going to have a lot to work through.
My daddy has been dead for five years come next Tuesday and I'm already crying. I might see if Brett can take Aurora to the park that day or something. I'm thinking of going to eat lunch with my daddy in the graveyard.
I still have to say it gets to me that my dad met my sister's son, my nephew. He still remembers my daddy and he was only about three when he died. But my daughter is never going to get to see him other then pictures. She's never going to get to meet pappy and she's been robbed of the memories that Tyler has. How can I not be jealous that my daughter doesn't have those? How can I not miss him so insanely right now?
All I want to do right now is curl up next to my daddy and tell him everything that is going on... including everything about my fears, my goals for myself, things I want to do with Brett... everything. And yet, I can't do that. I want to so badly. I just want to see him... I just want to spend one more normal day with him that I admit I took for granted. I want to make him breakfast and give him his pills and shot. I want watch television with him and try to take to him during the show or episode just so I know he cares enough to listen to me. I want to help him to the bathroom and back to his bed when he's too dizzy to walk. I want to share that damn glass of strawberry milk with him. I want to go feed and water the dogs and discover that one of them are lose and I have to open the door to the house to get a hold of them. I want to talk to my daddy about my hopes and dreams. I want to tell him about the latest book I've read. I want to tell him about the drama at school. I want to tell him about a crush I have on a guy or even the crush I had on Kathy and that she's mixed and I know he won't approve.
And yet, I can't be so selfish to wish the pain my dad lived with day after day on him. He held on for as long as he could and I know that inside my heart. He finally gave up and I know that too. I know he made it so no one would be there. I know that Nala was by his side in those last few minutes he held on. I know she even followed him to my room to make sure I wasn't home and I went to school like he wanted me to. I have to believe that he secretly meant to leave his cane in my bedroom just to let me know that he loved me and didn't want me to blame myself. I know he made sure that my mom was helping my Aunt Sue with her FEMA papers and everything else.
I knew what was going to happen that day. I knew as soon as I got the note in my fourth period class what was happening. I even remembering when my aunt came into the office to get me... I remember demanding to know how bad he was and what hospital he was and she told me that he was gone.
I remember how those words hit me. I remember sobbing so loud in my school halls... I remember the comments of people when I went back to school that they could hear me that day on the 13th.
I remember everything. I remember him crying that morning. I remember how scared I was to leave. I remember arguing with him about me going to school. I wanted to stay until my mom got home or just stay home from school so I could take care of him. He even knew I had a big test in my government AP class and told me to go since I couldn't make it up.
God, why do I remember every little thing about that day? I wish I could stop feeling guilty about it all. I wish I could forgive myself for walking out that door that morning to go to school. I wish I could have made sure to have that glass of strawberry milk with him when getting home from school. He broke that promise to me. I think he only made it so I could leave the house.
I remember being so resentful I went back on my promise to him later that day. I had only made it in the morning. It was not to hurt myself. Yet later that night... my mom made me stay at my aunt's house. I ended up cutting the worse I ever had and I believe ever will since I don't do it anymore.
Daddy, I love you. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I couldn't make you better. I'm sorry I couldn't take the pain away. I'm sorry you never met my daughter but you'll be happy to know she looks like you. I'm so sorry that I don't get to come to the graveyard to visit you as much as I want to. I'm sorry I can't always write anymore and let the smoke carry my words and tears to you. I hope you know how much I cared and still do. I hope you know how much I love you even now and that I think about you countless times during the day. I hope you know how much I miss my very best friend in the world.
I love you.
16:08 Oct 03 2009
Times Read: 2,026
Alright there you go. I'll quit writing. I'm done with this site right now. I'm only going to log on to deal with my coven.
As for my journal entry from last night. I am prescribed sleep medication. I don't take street drugs. Hell, I don't even smoke pot which almost all of the people around me do and I keep Aurora away from it.
I'm getting off of my Ambien soon. Once I do, I'm supposed to try to sleep naturally or take my anxiety medicine to help me sleep. I'm an insomniac. I will stay up for days without the medication. But I'm getting off of it so Aurora doesn't see me like that and so I can take care of her during the night if she wakes up.
I've got my daughter back on her sleep schedule for the most part of her sleeping from 10 or 11 at night until about 6 in the morning. I read her stories in the morning as she eats breakfast. I play with her for at least two hours before she takes a morning nap. I wake her up to lunch. I play with her more. I sit down with her and work on her ABCs and her 123s with her. She can now count up to three.
And this is how my day continues.
I'm sorry but I think I'm a pretty damn good mother considering how a lot of the people around here act.
PRIVATE ENTRY
04:17 Oct 03 2009
Times Read: 2,053
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02:19 Oct 03 2009
Times Read: 2,056
Whoo breaking out in a rash all over my body from talking to Erica tonight. There's a reason why I ended the conversation as it stood. I'm not running away, even though I don't plan on talking to her again.
So cheers! I'm itchy!
PRIVATE ENTRY
01:05 Oct 03 2009
Times Read: 2,063
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PRIVATE ENTRY
00:33 Oct 03 2009
Times Read: 2,070
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PRIVATE ENTRY
16:32 Oct 01 2009
Times Read: 2,135
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