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My two hour therapy session/assessment went pretty good. Decent to say the least. I'm confident in my therapist abilities to stay objective and be professional. I'm very confident that she can help me.



I see her again on the 14th. She lets me give input to how often I want to see her. That's a great surprise for me. I've never had a therapist give me the option of coming more often if I feel I need to work through my problems in that manner or if something comes up that is too hard to cope with.



After this next appointment, I'm probably going to start tackling my sexual abuse.



It's a huge problem for me. I could barely talk about it yesterday during the assessment part of the session.



I couldn't form my words. I started to stutter. I started to feel the tightness in my chest.



I stopped it from going any further before I caused myself an asthma attack or an anxiety attack.



I feel safe in her office. There's a safety net. I can stop talking about it.



I'm proud of myself of facing the two hour assessment yesterday. I've been worrying about it since Tuesday of last week. It's been getting to me.



I was supposed to see one of my abusers and didn't. A blessing beyond words before this appointment is all I can say.



I needed to feel confident in myself. Sure in my words aand actions. I needed to not doubt that it happened.



This coming week I'm hoping to talk to Brett about some of the issues we're having. I don't know if he'll talk like we need to though. I want him to converse with me, not just zone out and stay silent.



I want to be with him. I'm in love with that boy. I care about him deeply.



But if he isn't going to show me he cares about me in the way I care about him, then there is no reason for me to be in this relationship. I need to know he loves and cares about me.



I'm tired of feeling selfish because I want to be heard. But if wanting to be heard when I have a conversation with someone is being truly selfish, then I'm the most selfish bitch in the world.



If him and I do end, I'm getting my plans straightened out now. The only reason being, I have a daughter. I have to know what to do if he leaves considering I wouldn't be able to run this house without someone cutting wood and other things he was supposed to do through the summer that he never finished up.



I'm tired of his "I'm a slave" thoughts. He's not being treated like a damn slave. =( I'm trying to see where it's coming from and yet I can't right now.



I need to go wash more clothes. I'm going to the laundry mat today to dry them. It's so much easier then drying them on a line over the furnace like I had to last winter.



=)



At least I'm not washing clothes in bath tub like I did in Nashville. Although I would lose the weight that I want to and tone my legs and arms up real quick like! ♥



Hahaha!



Later.

=)

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Brooks91
19:05 Nov 30 2011

Yeah....Ive been reading about this Brett guy and it sounds like he is something you need to remove from your life for the time being so you can figure shit out. good luck with that. Its not easy.

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DireConsequences
20:39 Nov 30 2011

I won't cut him completely from my life or hope not to unless he messes up big time because him and I have a child together. That's why we have been trying to work things out. I think that's probably the reason we overlook some of the things we want changed or need to work on.



The situation sucks. Big time in fact. I've been with him for five years and I can honestly say I'm sure about how I feel towards him even though sometimes I wish I didn't.



No matter what, I'll be okay though. I have people who support me and I have plans of what I'll do if we do end or even what I would like for us as a family if we don't. =)



Either way, I'll be okay.



I've got a little cheese bandit.



^_^

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So I tried to update this about the ER but Brett moved the laptop for me and killed it. My entry disappeared and I gave up on it since I was fighting the dial up at that point anyway. *grumbles* I was frustrated at that point in time.



Anywho... I went and it took hours for me to be seen. It would have took at least another hour and a half if three other people hadn't got tired of waiting and left. Hopefully nothing was seriously wrong with them.



I got a double dose in a breathing treatment with two different medicines in it. It helped a lot with the wheezing. I'm also on 60 mg of steroids on top of what I get in my Dulera inhaler. =( I'm not too excited about it but I'll cope since I would rather be able to breathe.



They think the problem we were having with our furnace or stress caused my asthma to spike. Over the weekend, we had a small chimney fire. We put it out and inspected our chimney after cleaning it. =) It's fine. It wasn't bad.



But yeah.



Other than that, I have my two hour assessment with my therapist today, hopefully. I'm supposed to have my psychiatrist appointment at the same time. I'm calling this morning and pointing out the mistakes. =( I'm worried about missing either appointment.



On my browser game, I pulled off my first scout bomb. My personal nap killed off my enemy's army in his one town after getting the information off of me. Now I can get my army going in my 9c. Woot! I'm happy about that. Extremely happy.



I'm irritated with Brett. Badly. I'm horribly upset. I just went to the ER for not being able to breathe. I couldn't get to the phone and couldn't wake him up. If I could have got to the phone, I would have called my mom in the morning to take me when I should have originally went... not in the evening. But yesterday, I found ashes in my car AGAIN. Every time ashes get kicked up by the vents in my car without me knowing it, I have to pull over to use my inhaler. The only reason I started looking was because my chest started feeling tight.



It's like he doesn't even care. He doesn't even show he cares most of the time. He even admitted that last night. I'm tired of this.



I'm overly tired of this relationship at the moment. I just want to escape. If this is the way it's going to continue to be, then he can leave. I don't need anyone except my daughter. That's the way it is anymore.



Yes, I love him. Yes, I care about him. He tells me we'll talk tomorrow night, yet he doesn't make the time to talk to me about anything. Not our relationship, not our daughter, not anything that's going on. I've been making time to cuddle with him to spend with him and to try to talk to him. I almost always ask him how his day went even when I'm sure he doesn't want to be around me. Why? Because I actually care.



According to him, he feels like a slave. Well he was supposed to have gotten that ditch done before now. He was supposed to have gotten most of the stuff done long before now. Especially cutting the wood and he keeps putting it off... I barely have enough coal for the day and we're supposed to leave right after he gets home from work today. Well, that's not going to happen.



Yeah, he's a slave. It's just work, school, home for him. Oh and take care of the outside things like he's supposed to and the animals because of my breathing problems.



Yet, all I have is home, home, home, and an occasional day of going to the store, my mom's house, or now since he has a job, the laundry mat to dry clothes.



All weekend, he laid on the couch. He didn't do anything outside even though it was nice out and couldn't even get up Sunday morning to take me to the ER.



Why am I even justifying anything? Screw this. I'm going back to cleaning. At least I'll be able to get something done until the steroids get out of my system later today.



=(



He didn't even remember to drop off the script yesterday. Big surprise there. I don't have anymore back up pills either from the last time I was on them. I only had the three 20 mg tablets.

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Levity
12:36 Nov 30 2011

♥

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Once Brett's out of the bathroom, I'm going to the ER. My rescue inhaler isn't helping my breathing. We think I might be getting sick. My legs and arms are feeling weak. I've been in my chair most of today unable to do the cleaning I wanted to do. My ribs are swollen.



I almost went this morning but I couldn't get Brett up. There's no way I could have drove myself there. No way.



The woman on the nurseline could hear my wheezing through the phone.



It hurts to breathe. I hate this. I thought I was past this.



The Dulera has helped me so much... yet, this incidence has just slapped me in the face again.



=(



Later.

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ToxicKitten
02:42 Nov 28 2011

YOU BETTER GET BETTER TIFFY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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My troop:pop ratio went back down to 70% yesterday evening. GJC attacked me again. I'm going to message a dude I formed a personal NAP with probably.



It's back up to 78% now.



I want my troops to be at that 600 mark by the middle of the week. I need to get my wheat up though. *grumbles* Dang it. I have to seriously get my palace down in Spunky and up in Shadow Dancer so GJC can't take my 9c from me.



He's going to be pissed when he sees the change. Screw it. This is war.



=)



He started it.



I'm going to finish it if he keeps attacking me.



I'll talk to my alliance to get a coordinated attack carried out on him. And if I can't get it there, my personal NAP will help me out for sure! We can both gain some points there.



*squeals* I've heard that T4's last a year long. I'm really hoping this server doesn't last that but it probably is true. Heh, I have fun! I love it! So what?



If playing a game during the day is the worse I do, what's the harm?



My daughter even helps me attack places! ♥

Yesterday, I pissed on my metaphorical tree. I'm pretty damn sure that man got the idea of get how territorial I freakin' am.



*nods* That is my mother's property. He had no right to stop on it to see about where he could put his building. Fuck that!



Um no. My mother's not interested in renting to anyone. No one. No, no, no. She's not. I've talked to her about it before. We agree on it even when she dies and the property comes to me, that I won't even rent out that property.



It's my mom and dad's property, dang it.



How dare you! How freakin' dare you!



Screw this! You better hope you didn't plan to break in over there. I know you were over there pissing around for a good bit of time before we stopped yesterday. That outside light was on the night before. Oh, if you did, my mom will press charges.



Heh, stay away. Just stay away from here. Whatever situation you're in... I don't care. I lost interest and care when you stopped by my mother's property knowing it was not anything my stepfather owns... and damn it, that crossed the line.



Yeah, I pissed on my tree. I think I surprised Brett since I avoid confrontational situations. I didn't even hesitate.



I had a feeling he would be pissing around on one of the properties yesterday. I just knew it.



Like my dad always said... expect the worse out of people, and that's what you get. If not, be surprised... be very surprised.



Very few times to people surprise me. =( Very few times.

But only when you take the time to clip the coupons, apply them to the best sales to get the BEST deal and figure out which store has the better system.



*nods* I've thought about it before.



And got the notice yesterday but later in the day that our food stamps are going to be discontinued. They didn't get our paperwork. I'm freaking out.



We don't have the room for stockpiling. We really don't.



Not until spring comes. My mom is somewhat interested in it.



If I do this, my first run will be small... probably around $50 since so many things can go wrong.



This can benefit us. The one store in our area has to give the "extra" money on a gift card to us. Even that we could use for meat or milk. Things that are not usually on sale.



I liked the one woman on there last night. Her grandmother taught her family how to coupon. Their slogan was "50 cents or less, but free is the best."



I'm going to be fighting them on our food stamps since Brett delivered the papers in the door slot before he went to class. We're going to call them today after we get home, then we're going to fill out the appeal paperwork just in case.



Oh and the same store that gives the gift card with the left over money from the transaction, also doubles coupons. =)



This is getting awesome.



I want to learn. I really do. I may have to stretch a little bit a long way these next few months even without the room.



I guess there's no time like the present to start learning about the extreme couponing way.



*gets motivated*

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ToxicKitten
05:53 Nov 25 2011

Good!

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So I use coupons off and on. But I have a friend who has been nominated to be on Extreme Couponers.



She has over 700 ounces of laundry detergent along with tons of shampoo and other things. =)



I'm so tempted to start looking into this concept. The idea of getting stuff for free all because of coupons is appealing. However, I don't know if I could pull it off with being on dial up. Most of the websites people on the show and she uses, are demanding on bandwidth.



How would I even begin to get started into this world of couponing on the extreme level or even on a level of somewhat decently well to get items free or almost free.



We're tight on money. It would help us a lot. A ton actually. I've been struggling on the bills but with Brett working I've been struggling to save up some money in case we would have to get another car or something would come up.



But this idea intrigues me. Maybe I'll talk to my friend about it more later today or tomorrow. =) I'll definitely mention it to my mom while there for Thanksgiving. I know it would help her a lot too.

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ToxicKitten
10:00 Nov 24 2011

I would.



a 50c paper from a stall, could save you 50 bucks!

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The silence has invaded every corner of the house and the urge to selfharm has become overwhelming. I'm stronger then this. I'm stronger then the memories. I'm going to beat my past.



I've been reading a lot of "smut" lately. BDSM stories to be specific. It helps me keep my frustration and nightmares under wraps.



I know what's bringing this up. My therapy session on the 29th. It's two hours long. It'll be focused on what's happened in my life. What happened during the abuse. How it has affected me.



I've been terrified of my past becoming all that is me and yet, right now in this moment in time, all I can think about is my past. How I felt and the touches. The pains. The torment of the same room. The sensations. The smells.



Every time a memory comes into my head, I'm trying the technique my therapist taught me last time to fast forward through it to a spot I felt safe or change the images. I'm trying to control my breathing. It would be easier if my ribs weren't swollen from asthma attacks earlier today.



Other than the session, that invasion into my head that I must allow if I want to try to cope with this. I like this therapist after all. I hated the assessment when I first went and I can't believe I must go through it again every year. I hold contempt towards the facility.



But I must see one of the people within the next week. The main person. I must. Yes, in the end I have a choice. But when it comes down to it, I don't. There's two variables in the situation I'm not willing to lose and won't risk losing. I must see the person to ensure not losing the two and it makes me sick to my stomach most nights when I wake up from nightmares where all I see is the face of that person.



Thank god, I only see them maybe five or six times a year. It's not as bad as when I was growing up.



I just have to keep telling myself... I survived. I'm surviving my memories as I type this. I made it. I did what I had to do.



I really want to be able to curl up in Courtney's arms right now and hear it's going to be okay.



I can't wait to get the portrait from Frankie of her to hang in our living room. That way when I feel like I just can't take it any longer, I can look up at it and know I'm loved. It's not painted by some impersonal bullshit artist... I know every stroke in the painting has love and meaning behind it. I know my Frankie well on that especially since my situation somewhat mirrored a situation Frankie was in.



I really wanted my next journal entry to be about Frankie, or my Miss Francesca as I call her a lot of the time. But that's not how it's going to play out even though most of it is typed up in a notepad document.



I hate feeling this crappy. I honestly feel this lapse in my confidence is from my daughter knocking out my front tooth. I feel quite ugly. It's bothering me horribly. My nightmares have been worse but since I've been busying my mind with the BDSM stories from an online site, they slowed quite a bit. I would rather dream about strangers and wake up aroused and frustrated then scared and wanting to disappear.



I'm now being distracted by my browser game. Ah, sweet distraction. I'm happy for my friend being attacked. Although, I'm not happy for it. Just happy for the distraction itself. I'm addicted to the game and don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow or if my mother will let me get online.

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fyre
02:08 Nov 24 2011

Okay I am not going to weigh this down more with all the serious talk so yeah...



I am glad that you are enjoying the stories, I just wish that you would be waking up so frustrated... That tends to lead to me having sore body parts!!!!!

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DireConsequences
02:21 Nov 24 2011

Brett, sometimes the serious talk is definitely what I need. You avoid it like the plague and I need to talk to someone about it otherwise it comes out in unhealthy ways. I know you were trying to make me smile and you did. I'm not upset by it but you do need to realize that I do have to talk about my past and the nightmares. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm running to the laptop/internet/browser game to escape from all the thoughts and memories. I barely sleep and when I do, I'm so exhausted to even remember what I dream about.

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Since about 8 o'clock last night, I've been under attack. =( I was doing my best to fend it all off and did fairly well. My population was lower from 50 something to 21 between then and now.



Well over 30 attacks have landed on my poor 9 cropper. I have 5 other reins coming in. I did damage to the guy. Haha!



15 fire catapults

13 Imperious

43 Legionnaires



DEAD



Made into zombies by one poor little legionnaire and my hero! Hell yeah!



Fucker!



That's what he gets for making me stay up almost ALL night!



I'm so tired. My account is in someone else's hands now. I'll let them deal with it a little while. *yawns* I have stuff to do.



Lordy, I have to go to HEAP for this winter. We need coal. We went from a wood furnace to coal/wood furnace but there's only so much dead wood to cut on the properties. Plus Brett's working and going to class so he's been having to find time to do homework and other things.



I got Aurora a water baby yesterday! Yes, a water baby. I had one when I was little... until my sister got mad at me and threw into the woods.



I absolutely loved her. ♥



Aurora's amazed at how it moves here and there when her arms move underneath and also the weight of it.



I'm torn about posting any pictures here. But I really need to get one in the next few days of her with her new baby.



I told Brett I'm going to question my buy when she throws it across the room at me. I hit my sister with mine and it left a welt. I'm sure Aurora would leave one on me. =\

And today is Aurora's birthday. She's four years old. It's really hard to believe that she's four.



We had her party last weekend on Sunday the 6th so my nephews could be a part of it.



We had a few games and prizes for the kids. It was really a blast.



I blew up balloons and put slips of paper in them with stickers on four of them for one of the games. They had to bust them with their butts. =) It was hilarious!



She was happy with her cake too. =) Dora the Explorer, Boots the Monkey and Diego playing ring around the posies. We also got four frog rings off of the cake decorator for the cake for her. She was definitely happy about that!



We're going to my mom's tomorrow when she picks us up. We're going to go out to eat and get some cupcakes since my stepdad is in now.



=)



She'll be happy to see him. Really happy.



Happy birthday my pretty, pretty princess. ♥

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Vampirewitch39
20:34 Nov 14 2011

Happy Birthday little girl. :)

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Levity
04:39 Nov 15 2011

Happy birthday Aurora!



Can't believe she's four!



All my love and cuddles and stuff to the both of you :)



♥

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I'm proud of my turn out this server so far. =) I should have my third settler in production in a few hours. Hopefully by then, The Dude will have gotten back to me.



I've gotten an opportunity to make some BIG plans for this server... to make it til the end... to have some awesome buddies.



I'm taking this chance if I can.



I love being part of the Knights.



♥



Raids are reset every week at 12 am Monday. So far, even being on dial up, I've gotten a little over 10,000 resources in raids.



I'm happy with that.



I need to grow my army more. I need that second village.



Damn it, I want Brett and me to get along. This browser game is the one thing I do during the day that makes me feel happy other than talking to a couple of people. I love the alliance I'm in. I like the struggle of getting my stats up on dial up to stay in.



I want this opportunity. I really, really do.



As for everything with Brett... we ended up going to sleep on better terms after that fight. We either need to work things out or end things. I'm tired of this. My parents are tired of this... yeah, I said parents. My dad is deceased... but dang it, I've known my stepdad for my whole life, he doesn't replace my dad or even come close. He's a whole other person than my daddy...



But I called my mom's house at about 10:30 last night because I wanted away from him. I wanted out of here. I didn't want Aurora around him either. No one answered so I put her back to bed again since she hadn't went to sleep.



This has got to stop. It's exhausting. I'm tired of trying to understand things from his point of view when he won't try to talk to me. If all I'm getting is "I don't know" then of course none of the problems are going to get solved.



This is just stupid on both of our parts.



It's not a game of war. We're not trying to trick the other into what we want. We're supposed to be looking out for each other and supporting one another. What happened to all of this?



It's not just one of us. A relationship takes two people, not just one. This just seems like an utter failure.

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fyre
01:35 Nov 15 2011

We're butting head more often then not because we are all we really see. We are getting better, but we still have work to do.

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Brett didn't want to get up to go to work this morning. *grumbles* Maybe I shouldn't have fought him. I feel bad for Merlin... the guy he's been giving rides to every morning. Brett didn't leave here until five am which means he would get there right on time. Merlin likes getting the extra hour of overtime every morning.



We ended up fighting last night. What set it off is him yelling at Aurora... I was about to head to my mom's house with her. The only thing that stopped me is that no one answered and I knew how bad my mom was hurting earlier from the weather changing and her back and knee.



Communication is our downfall. The next thing on the list is we're both so defensive. We both think and believe we're right and fight for it. We can't work together on compromises anymore. I don't know how this relationship is going to last any longer if it's going to.



I honestly want to take a break. I have no clue how it would work though.



I'm just tired of how things are working.



Hell, he told me to tell him when I want my car... yet, when I say something he tells me no or makes me feel so guilty it's unbelievable.



It's my freakin' car!



There should be a compromise there somewhere.



I'm not saying he can't go to work or school. But damn it, I want to have some access to my own car to go to the store or somewhere. I don't even have that right now.



I feel trapped. Utterly trapped.



I'm not going to keep fighting him to get him up in the morning. And I have a feeling that Merlin isn't going to keep calling and getting rides after a while.

Brett's temper has been outrageous lately. He's been snappish with both me and Aurora. I'm so tired of it.



I've been asking him what's up with it... and all he replies is he doesn't know.



What the heck?



Are we supposed to just deal with his attitude until he decides to chipper up with an origin of unknown reasons?



As for me, I've been doing okay. My breathing is doing better. I'm tired and sore. It's not as bad as the first day of being on the inhaler though. So I'm hoping it clears up as I stick with it longer.



Aurora turns four years old tomorrow. It's hard for me to believe that my baby is already four years old.



I already had a party for her on Sunday of last weekend. It was a blast. We had some games and prizes for the other kids.



Even still, I'm either making cupcakes with her or picking some up so that on Tuesday we can go to Mama's house to visit. She misses her Papa.



She's been a little sick since yesterday. She missed going to a birthday party at the bowling alley. I feel bad for keeping her home but even my mom was thankful for me doing so since she's still not feeling good.



No matter what, I'll be okay.

No matter what, everything is okay.

I just need to keep repeating that to myself.



I really hope this temper thing passes with Brett sometime soon. I don't know what's gotten into him. I don't like it though.



If he didn't want a child in his face, then he shouldn't have had one. Plain and simple. She's only trying to get some attention from him since he's been working 5 days a week and has school three days a week, plus homework and getting coal and wood.



He needs to take a step back. He needs to calm the hell down.

I'm getting so frustrated. I'm really trying not to do so. I'm online to deal with my browser game and check in here. Once I send my raids, I'm getting right back offline.



♥



I'm watching Barbie Princess Charm School with Aurora.



Oh how I feel that clumsy. But there's no light at the end of that tunnel. LOL!



Maybe I'll need to add one more thing for Santa to bring my wee one. =) She's loving the movie.



"That princess is silly!"



He's still not moving. *grumbles* At least my voice isn't as bad as yesterday. I'm dizzy though. It's getting better. I'm hoping to stick it out with this steroid since my breathing is SO MUCH BETTER!

So my appointment with the breathing doctor was today. I do have asthma. It moderate to severe. I officially have the diagnosis. That's a good thing... for the insurance.



My QVAR 40 mcg twice a day has been stopped.



My rescue inhaler is still my ProAir HFA 90 mcg albuterol.



But the times I use it need to come down a lot. An extreme amount. I use it every day. At least once and sometimes as many times as four times because of asthma attacks. I've learned the difference between tightness from anxiety and tightness from an asthma attack. It's completely different now that I've figured it out.



My new inhaler seems insane to me at the moment.



It's Dulera 200 mcg/5 mcg two puffs, twice a day. The first number is the amount of steroid and the second is a form of longlasting albuterol.



I have to get an x-ray done and see them again in 8 weeks. Hopefully this helps me out.



I hate not being able to keep up with Aurora and not being able to go for walks with her as the leaves are changing colors and everything. She's missing so much of nature.



And I may miss hunting season this year if it doesn't get under control. I'm not going out just to scare the deer away. =( I want to hunt.



My O2 stat was pretty good today at 96.



But on the MCT, on the third dose of chemical, medicine (whatever you want to call it), my breathing dropped 33%.



They were looking for a 20% drop. =O Brett's right, I just have to be dramatic. No wonder that woman was taking my pulse and hurriedly got me on the breathing treatment. LOL! 33% No wonder.



I'm talking to Brett about him possibly looking into not smoking anymore with the doctor's help. He's tried to quit several times.



I may put a hole in my inhaler so I can wear it like a necklace... my rescue one that is...



I keep forgetting it lately! Ugh!



My game awaits. Three days without phone so no internet. Someone was sitting my account. Mac got some things up for me. I'm grateful. ♥