Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
84 entries this month
16:00 Nov 30 2009
Times Read: 966
I think last night was the first night in a week or so I didn't have any nightmares at all.
:-)
I actually feel somewhat rested this morning.
I guess there's truth in what someone has told me about getting everything out there as your thinking it. Maybe I should use my journal to vent more often.
My homework is now out of the way for a little bit. A week to be exact.
I have to get everything out of the other apartment by the end of today... There's very little left to get.
Magic Easers work wonders! I want to buy some more of those things! ♥
I'm helping Brett with his Composition papers once he gets home from two finals. He didn't get the papers done last night like he needed to because of all the drama and bullshit. I'll be sitting down with him and talking through the points and whatnot on the topics. That way it will be nothing for him to go through writing the whole thing.
I know I'm seriously tired of packing, unpacking, cleaning and stressing.
I'm getting ready to start unpacking more boxes. Wal-mart is no longer saving them until morning. How they do it now is you come into the store in the middle of the night and get whatever they have down the isles. Or that's what the manager told us. Maybe it's just for the Christmas season though. Whatever it is... right now it's irritating.
I'm over last night. I said what I had to say and that's it. I'm done with it. I'm not sure if Brett's posting that journal entry or not. He just wants the bullshit to end.
We want to cope with what has happened, heal from it, learn from it and make our relationship stronger.
That's what we want!
07:05 Nov 30 2009
Times Read: 967
I'm heading to bed...
Whether Brett comes or not.
I'm tired. I'm done with shit. I'm not dealing with you people anymore.
Erica, if there is a MySpace... then fine. I'm not going to let some pathetic account on some site get to me that badly.
I know where Brett sleeps at night and that's enough for me.
I don't know if he's still talking to you downstairs, but if he is then so be it. I'm not going to try to tell him who he can talk to on Vampire Rave.
I'm not going to waste my time nor energy worrying about someone who isn't in his life anymore to begin with. I have more important things to worry about then you and yours.
If it will make you feel better, have your other friends block me like Acorn did. The blocks can't take my status down that far so I'm not too worried about it.
I guess the one thing that helps me not worry too much about the account that is talking with you is the fact that he hasn't had internet access. I've had his laptop and he hasn't been able to get online from the college. So how would he be able to talk to you or anyone else for that matter.
Do as you will. Believe as you wish. Say what you want. Condemn my soul as you feel necessary. Hell, condemn his too...
It doesn't change anything at the end of the day. It won't make the sun stop coming up in our lives and it sure as heck isn't going to end us or effect us in the morning.
I'm tired of this crap. I'm tired of you. I'm tired of Tobias. I'm tired of the whole situation. He made his decision, so it's up to you to decide to live with it.
I know for a fact...
He was already changing for the better before you ever talked to him. He was getting better after he stopped talking with you. He'll continue to get better when the sun raises again and even after the moon has come into sight.
It doesn't matter whether you are in his life or not. He will get better on his own terms. He has been for months now.
Just like I'm getting better because I want to... he will continue to do the same.
And yes, I was getting better before you came into his life too.
I won't give you credit for convincing him to be nicer to me. I won't give you credit on any of it... other then helping him to see what he had lost sight of and that's it.
When it comes down to it, that's not much in the eyes of the Lord.
As for Karma coming back on me for what I've said and thought...
Honey, the last thing in this world I have to worry about right now is Karma. There's more to worry about with my nightmares then Karma from wanting and wishing someone to jump off a bridge. If you don't realize that by now, then you are not as wise as I thought.
I will not unblock you. If you want to block me, go ahead. My name is everywhere on this site though. I bet you already knew that or figured it out.
But as for me stopping by your profile, no it won't stop. As for me reading your journal, I still will do so.
Like I said before in a previous entry, it's not about you. It's about my healing process.
People hate me for it.
Even when they delete, if they come back to this site... I always find them again and I do the same thing because I know it's the same person.
If you can't stand that, then it's your dilemma to do with as you see fit.
Yes, I do hate you. Yes, I wish you never came into our lives. Yes, I do even still wish you dead.
But it doesn't matter what I wish or want, now does it?
I'm pretty sure me wanting you dead won't stop your breathing anytime soon. Now will it?
There's no secrets between Brett and I anymore. We've made sure of it. He has chosen who he wants to be with. He has found his confidence he had in Nashville yet again. I don't see us ending things again or wanting to.
If either of us saw that happening or even him changing his mind, then would we talk about our futures together or getting married?
Goodbye, Erica.
I'm done with you.
Go to bed, wake up and go to school tomorrow. It's in your best interest. Graduate high school and get into college. I'm sure you'll make something of yourself, if you want.
I'm going to bed.
04:18 Nov 30 2009
Times Read: 975
And yet, he doesn't care about you anymore.
He used you.
He only wanted to be with you as a way to run away from his problems.
He even confided that to his psychiatrist.
03:44 Nov 30 2009
Times Read: 980
Haha! Go ahead and talk to them. I don't care. I know it isn't Brett. That's all I need to know!
He doesn't have a MySpace anymore. He doesn't have any blogs that he uses still.
He still has his YIM, well e-mail because of other reasons.
I find it funny he blocked you on there.
Oh wait, I mean...
I hate you. I hate you. I hope you burn in hell!
LOL!
03:13 Nov 30 2009
Times Read: 986
Is it kind of bad I can't wait to read what the journal entry is about?
No, he doesn't have a secret MySpace. I know that for a fact. Maybe it's just someone else messing with you. He hasn't had much internet access though because he didn't want to get online to deal with bullshit.
Yes, this situation is considered bullshit. Things with you is considered bullshit.
He's done with it. Why can't you accept that?
Doesn't matter whether you get answers or not. No, you don't deserve that much.
And even if you did, no one gets the answers they want.
So be done with it. Stop messaging him.
And leave him be!
02:11 Nov 30 2009
Times Read: 1,001
Just can't not message him, huh?
Well, if he burns in hell, I guess I'll have the pleasure of being next to him.
:-)
And yes, I am a self-righteous bitch, Erica. But you were the one who chose to enter my life when you started talking to my boyfriend.
So welcome to the parade of fyre!
01:20 Nov 30 2009
Times Read: 1,011
I don't care whether people see me as a hypocrite or not on here. I'm me. I change my mind a lot and I admit it. I give people chances until I can't anymore. People know that about me and abuse it often.
Brett's back on here.
He's not dead. I never said he was dead. When I said you can't feel the dead, now can you or however it was worded... I was talking in a metaphorical sense.
I never told anyone on here he was dead.
I didn't beat around the bush either.
I promised his father I wouldn't talk about the situation because of things going on in his side of the family. Plain and simple.
I kept my promises until it was changed.
He broke his connections of his own free will. You may tell LordFawn you can still feel him. You may have said that in your journal once or twice...
But I know you can't.
I'm just leaving my entry at this since he's pounding away at the other keyboard.
BloodFyre
22:07 Nov 29 2009
Times Read: 1,045
I hate you, Erica. I really do. It's not because of the problems you caused between Brett and me when we were together. It's not because you talked to him behind my back and lied to my face about it. I don't hate you because he was planning on meeting you when he went to Tennessee to get his car.
Do you want to know why I hate you?
It's because you're ignorant enough to change your name to BloodFyre.
I know it has to do with him.
That hurts more then anything in the world to me. It enrages me to be honest.
I'm ashamed for you to even see a reference in your screen name towards him.
I'm happy he didn't get to meet you. I'm happy he never will. With your new name change, it just proves you didn't deserve to ever meet him.
He wanted his screen name to be left alone. That's why he deleted in the first place. He didn't do it because of you or me.
He had wanted a fresh start and I guess in the end that's want he got.
You couldn't even not leave that sleeping dog lay!
I hate you.
I hope that your ignorance will come back to you. But I don't need to say that since I know it will.
LordFawn, I know you will say something to me about this entry. I don't care.
I'm saying what I need to say. I'm tired of keeping it to myself. I'm speaking the truth. I'm speaking what I feel, what I see, and what I hear.
Erica, you knew the name change would press buttons. Hell, you even unblocked me after saying you were not going to long ago.
You want to know what I think...
Go jump off a bridge!
That's what I think.
21:26 Nov 29 2009
Times Read: 1,050
Today...
I've unpacked about 11 boxes.
Went to the other apartment and packed about 10.
Came home.
Unpacked those boxes in that load.
Now I'm going back for more.
Thank god for the pack-n'-play.
Heaven forbid if my mom finds out how much is left to get up there and whatnot.
I'm stressed.
I'm hurting.
I'm breaking out in rashes from my anxiety.
My anxiety pills are not helping.
And I'm so happy I can work extremely well under stress.
The homework load comes tonight!
*shivers*
I know I can get all of this done and more.
I just have to pace myself.
Thoughts from Last Night
17:12 Nov 29 2009
Times Read: 1,058
It's not a lie when someone neither confirms nor denies.
It's not nice to try to make someone break a promise.
You're not someone better, if you just go back to being the same.
Mind games, mind games...
Oh why does there have to be any games played?
If they're dead, then they're dead... if not, then where the hell are they?
Cancer wins, the person dies, why don't we kiss them all goodbye?
Homework, homework in my book... Can I just rush through you so I can go cook?
Clean, clean, clean... what else is there to life?
You come, you go, but do you know who you are?
Tell me you love me, then call me a liar. What a sick and twisted boy you are.
Silence in the middle of the night is never a good thing for a woman who has too much on her mind.
06:57 Nov 29 2009
Times Read: 1,069
Stupid, stupid little girl!
I just have to be so naive!
Leave it to me to unblock the one person who should not have come off my blocked list.
****************************
As for whether I'm lying or not, that's for you to judge.
I won't break my promises to his father. I will not disrespect myself nor his father.
I've said all I can say in my journal entries.
If you can't get it from there, then that's on you.
Enough said.
God, how much plainer can I spell things out for people?
Gone...
means...
gone...
means...
gone!
Simple enough, right?
I have enough to deal with myself.
Stop bringing up the ghosts in the past and deal with your own current lives.
I'm done talking about it when I can't!
PRIVATE ENTRY
02:46 Nov 29 2009
Times Read: 1,076
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
VR is my Home!
23:31 Nov 28 2009
Times Read: 1,088
I hide in every other aspect of my life, I refuse to hide on here!
If I read someone's journal, I'm logged in.
If I view a profile, I'm logged in.
If I read a history of the vamp box or a forum thread, I'm logged in.
Every day I have to face my fears, overwhelming fears.
I hide myself away in my home on most occasions and cannot stand the thought of going out of the house or driving my car on most days.
I try not to lurk on here.
I won't go to a journal while logged out.
If I go there, I show up.
Even when it's someone I want to hate, have a grudge against, just don't care to really acknowledge and several other reasons...
I show up.
It's one little thing I can control and I'm not giving up that control.
23:21 Nov 28 2009
Times Read: 1,089
You know, I never have liked sisters.
Current life.
Past lives.
Spiritual-wise.
None!
No matter how many times I've tried to get along with them, understand them, or give them a chance...
It ends in me just being more spiteful and more grudges to be held.
I usually end up despising them!
I guess it's all just doomed to repeat!
**********************************
Only a few select people will get this journal entry. God, I think the two people who may get it before anyone else on this website is Frankie and Tony.
Just think out of the box and you might get it!
20:18 Nov 28 2009
Times Read: 1,101
... You need something longer then shorter.
I'm so glad a video cleared that up for me!
I don't think my internet life could survive without that bit of information!
God, five hours and still going!
Erica
18:17 Nov 28 2009
Times Read: 1,111
Got the kismet. Got the journal entry.
I actually wrote a private journal entry in reply to your kismet.
If you don't know why I do it, then you know absolutely nothing about me.
It helps me and that's what it's about.
It's not about you.
It's not about him.
It's not about anyone but what it does for me!
I heal differently then others.
So all I can say is...
Heal your way.
I'll heal mine.
I don't mean to hurt you though. But right now, I'm not thinking of anyone else but my own well-being.
Plain and simple.
Whatever either of us knew...
It's gone!
I've accepted that.
No one can feel what's dead, now can they?
16:50 Nov 28 2009
Times Read: 1,115
I just got off the phone with my mom, she's not sure whether Tyler will be coming over tonight or not.
His mom's coming up but hasn't called just yet to say she's leaving. And no clue when my step-dad is coming in from the lake. I'm just happy he's getting to relax some before winter really hits.
I laid Aurora down for her nap. She's getting kind of difficult.
Before I fell asleep last night, I realized that Brett's account on here is now officially deleted. It's completely deleted.
I miss him a lot of the time anymore. I guess it's one of those things that just isn't going away any time soon.
No matter what happens at any time, I know I'm going to miss him. It's that simple. I miss what I had with him in Nashville. I miss him teaching me how to play D&D that first night I was there. I miss how we pulled through everything every time we were faced with a challenge.
I just miss everything about that time.
I think if I actually knew what Brett's password was for his VR account, I would have signed into it just for a second to see that it didn't get deleted before that 30 day period was up.
I wonder if he would have held that against me.
I guess it doesn't matter anymore since fyrestrike is no more.
I need to get my homework done and yet, I'm thinking and writing about things in the past. Why do I do this every time I'm in silence or by myself? It seems that no matter what I try to do or what I try to distract myself with, it doesn't work.
It's not meant to work, I guess.
I've never been able to look pass the things that have happened sometime long ago.
It seems to be a curse and yet, in some ways a blessing.
I remember so many details about everyone who has come into my life. I wish I could just forget some of them right now.
Even at this very moment, I remember my exboyfriend and the rule we had between us. No matter what the Enter Button rule will always be active between me and him. I wish I could be friends with him but maybe that will happen one day in the future. Just maybe...
I have to kind of feel sad and overwhelmed when it comes to the guys who have passed through my life. There's only been one guy I've had sex with where it was just sex. I haven't even talked to him in the longest time. The last I heard, he had a girlfriend and was becoming a pill popper.
Everyone else I've ever had sexual relations with, I've had feelings for... whether they were full-blown feelings or not... they were there.
Under no circumstances have I ever done something or anything behind someone's back.
And as many people can tell from my journal, I'm pretty damn open about things that happen in my life. I used to say I'm an open book. Just ask me a question and you'll more then likely get an answer. But I guess that isn't fully true anymore. I've learned I need to protect myself from certain people knowing everything about me.
Speaking of my journal, I've been using it for myself. It's just for me now. It seems to cheer me up a lot more. It is just to keep perspective on things. I'm not sure how to explain it other then, the werewolf titties when I was drinking, those were just funny!
I need to get back to my homework before I get out of the mindset to do it all.
Later!
15:32 Nov 28 2009
Times Read: 1,117
I have so much to do today and tomorrow.
I have to get everything with the other apartment squared away. I'm supposed to be completely moved out by Monday. At the moment, I have about a room to move yet and I need to get Mr. Fishy down here.
On top of that, I need to get everything done I need to do in my operating systems class. I've been working on it this morning.
Ty is helping me as much as he can. Right now he's using my car to get some more of the boxes moved for me.
My nephew, Tyler, is supposed to be coming over this evening to play the Wii since my mom has somewhere she needs to go.
No harm there. He's a lot easier to manage then most kids.
I got some of the carpets scrubbed yesterday and vacuumed the other floors. I still have a lot to do up there but at least my mom lent me the pack-n'-play so I can get a lot more done today.
I'm getting back to my homework now.
00:08 Nov 28 2009
Times Read: 1,132
What's one thing that can make the mood disappear in a second flat?
Placing your hand in a nice big pile of cat shit on your bed that's mushy and cold!
I so want an OCD shower now!
Sorry, Ty!
20:11 Nov 27 2009
Times Read: 1,134
My mom watched Aurora for about three hours today so I could go up and clean some more.
If it was just a $25 deposit, I wouldn't worry about every little detail.
But it's not.
Brett and I paid $511 security deposit to get into the low income apartments.
I'm getting that money back, damn it!
I'm going back up there tomorrow to clean out the fridge the rest of the way, mop the kitchen and the bathroom, scrub the carpet in the front room, and just finish bringing things down from up there.
At least it's not too much to do before Monday comes.
I got a lot done today!
♥
Oh and I found out they're really picky about everything! They like to find what they can wrong so they can charge you money off of your security deposit.
*sighs* I need to go get a pack of lightbulbs and balance on the counter to change the kitchen lights! LOL! This is going to be funny!
04:30 Nov 27 2009
Times Read: 1,139
I think it's clear you're drunk when you slobber on yourself in front of your boyfreind. Enough said, right?
Hahahaha I'm such a stupid little girl right now.
03:38 Nov 27 2009
Times Read: 1,146
I just saw werewolf boobies on a profile! I would report it if it wasn't a man werewolf but damn, they are saggy!
Yes, tonight I'm drinking. It's a good drink, not a depressive time!
03:32 Nov 27 2009
Times Read: 1,148
My sister is such a fuckin' poser!
04:10 Nov 26 2009
Times Read: 1,163
I'm happy I went grocery shopping this evening with Aurora and my boyfriend.
Some woman dropped her "Ocean Spray" juice from under her buggy and she let go of it.
While she was grabbing it, the buggy started rolling away.
At least I was already nerve-wrecked and didn't think twice about running.
Her son who is younger then Aurora was in the buggy and it almost hit a moving car.
I had about three feet to spare before it hit.
I don't think I've ever felt a rush like that.
I'm so glad I did it though. I'm happy the little boy just thought I was funny.
She was more then thankful! She even went to hug me.
I just took my sleep medication. I'm hoping to be asleep in the next 30 minutes.
We have plenty of food.
We had yummy omelets tonight with tomatoes, green peppers, and a mixed cheese.
God, I have a full tummy!
I miss my daddy's omelets.
I'm going to be experimenting with them. I want to figure out the secret of the peanut butter and jelly omelet.
It was my damn favorite!
Night peoples!
00:02 Nov 26 2009
Times Read: 1,170
Wow, the mail came really late today. But the food stamp card was in it.
So do I go to the store with Aurora? Or do I wait until Saturday or Sunday?
I'm not sure which I should do. I know we're low on food though!
Is it time for bed yet?
22:05 Nov 25 2009
Times Read: 1,174
God, can sleep come over me yet?
I just want to get some actual rest. That's it.
Hell, I don't even want any good dreams or anything like that... just sleep and to wake up feeling rested.
I'm going to be calling my psychiatrist on Monday to get an appointment set up with him to talk about my options.
None of the teas I've tried are working.
No techniques are working.
Warm milk isn't working.
Nothing.
I can't wait until tonight when I take one of my Ambiens. I'm debating about whether it should be a half of a pill or just a whole pill. I've been awake for almost 48 hours now.
At about ten it will be...
I won't be like this for Thanksgiving. I can't be!
16:36 Nov 25 2009
Times Read: 1,180
I still can't sleep. I think I got maybe ten minutes of twilight sleep this morning about 6 something.
I feel like I'm going insane though.
I can barely function.
Aurora is napping a little early.
I have so much homework to get done and yet, I can't even comprehend most of what I'm reading today.
All I know is I need some sleep somewhere.
07:54 Nov 25 2009
Times Read: 1,185
It's so late. I feel like I can't stay awake anymore but every time I lay down to sleep, I can't.
What's wrong with me?
This is ridiculous!
I guess all this means I won't be getting much sleep at all by the time Aurora gets up.
Ugh!
Even the couple of drinks I had tonight didn't help. But then again, I only had one glass of Pepsi and vodka. After that didn't work, I drank some MD.
I feel like shit. I'm obsessing over everything.
I'm dwelling on my mistakes.
Heck, they're probably not even mistakes to anyone but myself.
Like today, well yesterday... when my back hit the coffee table, I screamed. I scared Aurora so badly. I sent her to time out until she would behave... That was a bad idea since it turned into an hour long time out because she wouldn't settle down.
No matter what... she has pinched, hit, thrown, kicked, screamed, bit, and everything else that is "mean" today!
I have scratches from her, bruises from her, and a nice sized knot on my head.
Her in a bad mood and I have all this?
Yeah.
She was in a bad mood to begin with and on top of it, she's got another tooth coming in.
I'm just hoping she's feeling better today.
As for what's on my mind?
I don't care to spill it anywhere but my personal journal for the most part. I just feel horrible. I guess this is my turn to feel down in the dumps.
Maybe my aunt is right... maybe I'm picking up mostly on everyone's mood around me or something.
I can't even get over the death of my daddy that happened over five years ago, let alone the man I love so much who passed away earlier this month.
I just want to heal from everything.
From ALL things in the past.
I'm tired of waking up from all these nightmares by myself. I'm scared to get on any sleep medication again because of Aurora. But can I seriously keep on doing this to myself?
Right now, I'm terrified of falling asleep. I know I am.
Every damn time I start to lie down, I can feel my muscles tense and my heart starting to beat faster. My breathing even speeds up and I start to get into a "panicked" state.
This has been happening for a while now. I just want it to stop. I want some sleep... actual sleep where I feel safe.
Where I don't wake up drenched in sweat and not being able to breath. I'm tired of sleeping with my anxiety pills so close to me.
I'm just tired. So freakin' tired.
Deep breathing exercises don't calm me down as much as they need to.
I can't concentrate enough to meditate.
I can't really read or anything like that because of my own patience wearing so thin.
My journal isn't down here and I don't want to go upstairs tonight and wake up Aurora by accident.
So writing about some things is out of the question since my printer really isn't working too well.
Ugh! I'm screwed. I feel like I'm going to pass out soon though. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not.
I still have some Ambien left that he told me to take when I really need it. Maybe my boyfriend will be here tonight so I can take half a pill or something. That way someone else is here.
I feel so lost at this moment.
I thought I was getting better... hell, doing better.
Maybe it's just a little bit of a relapse and nothing too serious.
I'm sure it's all probably linked to my sleeping habits as of late. Well nonexistent sleep habits.
Do I go on being a nervous wreck so I can get up with Aurora or ask my boyfriend to be here so I can get back on something for sleep from my psychiatrist?
God, that's a HUGE question.
Oh shit. I need to remember to either call Brett's dad today or tomorrow to tell them happy Thanksgiving and let Aurora talk to them!
Maybe I can talk to them and figure out what's happened with everything there. I don't know.
I just... I want so many answers from so many aspects of my life... you know?
I think it's one of those... "why am I here?" moods that I'm in.
It's been over an hour since I first started typing this. I've been doing other things too. But I'm going to try to get some sleep. I'll be lucky if I can get the three hours that are possible!
07:07 Nov 25 2009
Times Read: 1,186
Written about 11:37 pm but VR was not an option for me.
Now that the cleaning and unpacking is caught up for the most part... I have another class I have to catch up on. It ends on Sunday so that gives me five days to get it done.
Damn moving.
Not having the internet killed me.
Five days. Six weeks.
It's possible.
I had more to do for my English.
_____________________________
As I'm completing this homework though, I need to keep up with the housework, the unpacking, the rest of the packing and moving, and the cleaning of the OTHER apartment that is in only my name.
I got Aurora's Christmas pictures today. They're so cute! Hehe!
She's been really mean today though. She ended up slamming me in the head with the Wii controller and in turn, I fell against the coffee table hard. I have a bruise on my back from it and I'm having problems lifting. Ugh!
I can't get in touch with the people I need for my PT because of it being the holiday on Thursday.
I'm still waiting on my food stamp card. No one around here knows that it's lost. It's already been canceled so no worries there. We're going to my mom's for Thanksgiving... so no worries there either. I'm just nervous about what we’re going to do if it doesn't come in the next week. I can make food stretch big time... but there's only so much I can do!
Oh and an update on my closet space... it's becoming Tiffyness quite quickly! There's Hello Kitty on the walls and pictures of me that I absolutely love!
I want to get back to that "Tiffy." I want to be the Tiffy that doesn't worry about what people think but actually LIVES for herself and really, really close ones.
I want to live life.
I want out of this prison I've built for myself!
Not Connected With VR
14:32 Nov 24 2009
Times Read: 1,202
I've never been able to say I actually hate someone before and mean it. I mean, there's a huge difference between hatred and strong dislike. I admit I hold grudges against people for many wrongs done to me or those around me... but even then I still love those people in one way or another. How can I really hate those in the past who made me who I am today? Up until about five months I didn't think it was possible for me to actually hold hatred towards anyone but I was wrong.
It's just one person.
I dwell on situations a lot concerning the past as it is but with that one person, it's different. When I think about it, I feel like I haven't really felt before. In a way I like it because it won't allow me to forget what has really happened before and since then.
... But I feel heavy and weighed down with this hatred and I don't know how to resolve it. I'm not even sure I can.
After all, I still hold grudges from about the time when I was seven years old.
17:25 Nov 23 2009
Times Read: 1,213
I've done good today.
Aurora and I had breakfast together. She drank out of a cup with a straw by herself for the very first time!
She got bathed and dressed. Picking out her own outfit of course!
We built a castle and then knocked it all down, kicking the pieces everywhere.
She got to watch "Clifford, the big red dog" while I got some of the dishes done.
We colored together.
She picked out three books for me to read.
She helped feed the kitties.
She helped me clean up her room and picked out a blanket for her bed.
And now she's upstairs in her room and I'm trying to get her to take a nap.
She's exhausted and had fallen three times *nothing major* just playing.
♥ She's getting to be a big girl. That in itself makes me kind of sad!
05:04 Nov 23 2009
Times Read: 1,218
So here's the official rundown of the assignments I've completed:
6 lesson presentations
3 writing assignments
5 discussion forums
10 well thought replies on discussion forums
and my research paper on all parts.
All of that was done in two days plus all the reading assignments which added up to over 500 pages.
I feel almost brain dead!
In the end, I didn't turn in two writing assignments and one part of my paper that was not going to be graded. I did complete that step though! I just ran out of time to submit it!
I'm going to either color, shower, or go to bed now after I eat.
Heck, it's was about 4 pm when I last ate something!
At least Aurora's in bed, thanks to my boyfriend.
A lot of my work wouldn't have gotten done without him helping out by watching Aurora for me.
04:02 Nov 23 2009
Times Read: 1,221
Out of everything I had to get done...
I'm not turning in two writing assignments and that's it.
I still have about 30-45 minutes of access that I'm using to revise my final copy of my research paper and also one last discussion forum.
Then it's just a waiting game to see what my grade will turn out to be.
I don't think it will be any lower then a C+.
...But I have to admit I forgot to double space one assignment!
Stupid, stupid me! I'll lose like 5 points for that mistake!
Getting back to it!
00:34 Nov 23 2009
Times Read: 1,229
I can't freak out now.
Thank you so much Frankie for the comment!
I'm picking back up.
I can't do my resume without talking to the professor.
I wrote my career objective though and did the discussion forum linked to it!
The resume counts as a writing assignment.
So here's my plan of action.
The professor broke up the research paper into five parts. I've become stuck on part three with part one and part two being turned in already.
What am I doing? I'm going ahead and writing my draft, THEN answering all of the questions concerning the evidence and supporting details.
That way I can keep moving with all of this.
After I hand that in, I'm going to do my last writing assignment.
Then pick back up on my research paper to revise it and hand that in as my final. Step four is a revision that she gives feedback on but she's not online. So I'm going to revise it completely and turn it in.
I can do this.
It's 7:32 pm.
That gives me four hours to get this all done.
I need to at least get that research paper draft done and out of the way!
22:53 Nov 22 2009
Times Read: 1,234
I'm starting to feel like I can't do this now.
I've gotten done:
2 lesson presentations
1 writing assignment
2 discussion forums
What's left:
1 lesson presentation
2 writing assignments
1 discussion forum
and my research paper.
Ugh! I feel like I'm going to fail right now.
Sex Addict?
19:46 Nov 22 2009
Times Read: 1,243
I wanted to put this here for my personal assessment.
I did this before at my therapist's office once before.
It's meant more for men but it's also for women too.
Test came from:
http://sash.net/index.php/Heterosexual-Male-Sexual-Addiction-Screening-Test.html
It is an assessment of sexually compulsive or addictive behavior. A high number of YES answers may be a sign of some issues with sex addiction. After using this questionnaire, please consult a trained professional to discuss these issues further.
1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
Yes. It was repeated.
2. Do you regularly purchase romance novels or sexually explicit magazines?
Yes, on a regular basis for the most part. I try to hide it from people in my life.
3. Have you stayed in a romantic relationship after it became emotionally or physically abusive?
Yes.
4. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts or romantic daydreams?
Most of the day I'm obsessively thinking about where I could have sex and with who.
5. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is normal?
There's times I do and times I'm scared by it.
6. Does your spouse (or significant other(s)) ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?
Yes, there are times I get so angry during sex or masturbation I actually make myself bleed.
7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?
I usually keep on doing it until I can't anymore and then I cry.
8. Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?
A lot of the time. I feel ashamed of it.
9. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?
Yes, a lot actually.
10. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?
Yes, therapy.
11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?
Yes, threesomes, fooling around, how much I honestly masturbate, and how much I obsess over sex.
12. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
Yes.
13. Have you ever participated in a sexual activity in exchange for money or gifts?
I'm not completely sure. I've gotten Hello Kitty things after sex with Brett once and a while but I'm not sure it was in exchange for sex.
14. Do you have times when you act out sexually followed by periods of celibacy (no sex at all)?
Yes, I'm miserable. I'm moody. I'm impulsive. I act without thinking. I've also thought about having sex with strangers because I couldn't get it elsewhere.
15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?
Yes. Constantly.
16. Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others?
Yes, most of it.
17. Do you find yourself having multiple romantic relationships at the same time?
Yes, Brett and Tony. They knew about each other. It lasted about 2 months. I couldn't help the impulses to have sex with either one even though I tried repeatedly.
18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior?
Yes.
19. Have sex or romantic fantasies been a way for you to escape your problems?
Yes, it relieves a lot of stress for me. I would rather think about sex then deal with bills or look up porn/stories online and place myself in them instead of doing homework or cleaning.
20. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
There's a lot of times I scrub my body until my skin peels because I can't stand how I acted or how I feel I need it.
21. Do you regularly engage in sado-masochistic behavior?
At times.
22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
Yes.
23. Have you been sexual with minors?
No.
24. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire or fantasies of romance?
Yes. I feel like I've lost control over it all.
25. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?
Yes, a lot of the time.
Copyright 1997-2003. This test is used with permission from its author, Dr. Patrick Carnes.
19:01 Nov 22 2009
Times Read: 1,246
I've gotten another writing assignment done!
I'm going to color with a couple of colors and then start on my first draft of my research paper.
From there, I'm going to do one or two more writing assignments.
Then print out a copy of my research paper so I can edit it.
Do the revisions and hand in my final research paper.
Between all of these steps, I'm going to be doing lesson presentations, discussion forums, and writing assignments.
All in all:
3 lesson presentations
3 writing assignments
3 discussion forums
and my research paper.
That's what I have to get done by 11:30 tonight.
I'm pretty sure I can do it.
I can cut out a writing assignment and two discussion forums without too much harm to my grade.
So far I've gotten done:
3 writing assignments
2 lesson presentations
3 discussion forums
and one part of my research paper.
I'm getting back to work before I lose my go-go juice!
17:28 Nov 22 2009
Times Read: 1,249
I'm not really up to talking with anyone today. I'm just hanging around kind of since I'm doing homework too.
I'm working on yet another assignment.
This one is about stress.
After this, I have to work more on my research paper about sexual addiction.
I'm trying to relax a little bit by coloring with one crayon when I finish a task.
LOL! My Hello Kitty coloring page may be done by the end of tonight!
Types of stress for a college student:
1. Academic.
2. Financial.
3. Social.
Procrastinating is bad!
Don't become like me!
03:36 Nov 22 2009
Times Read: 1,258
I've gotten another assignment out of the way.
It took me about 30 minutes to complete.
Woot!
I'm hoping to at least get started on the next one before I try to lay down.
They're *supposed* to be done filming. So far I haven't seen their train and equipment since about 4 this evening.
*fingers crossed*
Here's to hoping I can get some sleep tonight!
... The occasional coal train is alright. But those two movie ones coming through every fifteen minutes blaring the horn like five or six times is just insane.
Keeping me and my daughter up until five in the morning is uncalled for!
Anyway, going back to my homework. Like I said, I'm hoping to get some of this project done before I try to get some sleep.
I might just end up drinking some tea and coffee, getting a shower, and staying up all night doing homework.
The only bad thing is I would be exhausted and grumpy all tomorrow and I don't want Aurora to have to deal with me like that!
I like being in good moods with her!
*God, I have a lot of updates on her but I don't have the patience to type them all out! I feel horrible about that but I will find time when I get done with my Composition work!*
03:01 Nov 22 2009
Times Read: 1,259
Even though I decided when we got back from Wal-mart that I was going to go straight to bed after eating something and relaxing by cleaning up the apartment some.
Yes, that's relaxing to me right now.
But after cleaning up some and getting Aurora to bed, I'm on here and on one browser game.
And what else?
Yes, I AM doing homework even though I was supposed to take a break.
*sigh* I just want to get it done.
I'm going to get it done. There's no doubt in my mind about it!
I want at least a solid B in this course and I'm not going to take anything possibly less right now either!
21:48 Nov 21 2009
Times Read: 1,261
One more assignment down.
I'm going to take a little bit of a break since I've been working on homework since I got home from my mom's house.
I feel more confident I can do this!
That's a great feeling!
Oh and my research paper is going to be on sexual addiction.
My reason for choosing it...
My obsession and need for sex.
21:27 Nov 21 2009
Times Read: 1,263
Two assignments down...
More to go!
I'm at least making an indent!
Thank god for my special spot of the walk-in closet and me making it into my quiet place for homework and writing... along with other things like drawing, painting, etc.
I'm getting back to it!
Are we Robots of the Television?
19:17 Nov 21 2009
Times Read: 1,267
I have to write a letter to my mayor proposing a "Turn Off the TV" campaign.
I need to mention some of the statistics for my paper.
And every source says about the same damn thing! This is scary!
"Television Statistics
According to the A.C. Nielsen Co., the average American watches more than 4 hours of TV each day (or 28 hours/week, or 2 months of nonstop TV-watching per year). In a 65-year life, that person will have spent 9 years glued to the tube.
I. FAMILY LIFE
Percentage of households that possess at least one television: 99
Number of TV sets in the average U.S. household: 2.24
Percentage of U.S. homes with three or more TV sets: 66
Number of hours per day that TV is on in an average U.S. home: 6 hours, 47 minutes
Percentage of Americans that regularly watch television while eating dinner: 66
Number of hours of TV watched annually by Americans: 250 billion
Value of that time assuming an average wage of S5/hour: S1.25 trillion
Percentage of Americans who pay for cable TV: 56
Number of videos rented daily in the U.S.: 6 million
Number of public library items checked out daily: 3 million
Percentage of Americans who say they watch too much TV: 49
II CHILDREN
Approximate number of studies examining TV's effects on children: 4,000
Number of minutes per week that parents spend in meaningful
conversation with their children: 3.5
Number of minutes per week that the average child watches television: 1,680
Percentage of day care centers that use TV during a typical day: 70
Percentage of parents who would like to limit their children's TV watching: 73
Percentage of 4-6 year-olds who, when asked to choose between watching TV
and spending time with their fathers, preferred television: 54
Hours per year the average American youth spends in school: 900 hours
Hours per year the average American youth watches television: 1500
III VIOLENCE
Number of murders seen on TV by the time an average child finishes elementary school: 8,000
Number of violent acts seen on TV by age 18: 200,000
Percentage of Americans who believe TV violence helps precipitate real life mayhem: 79
IV. COMMERCIALISM
Number of 30-second TV commercials seen in a year by an average child: 20,000
Number of TV commercials seen by the average person by age 65: 2 million
Percentage of survey participants (1993) who said that TV commercials
aimed at children make them too materialistic: 92
Rank of food products/fast-food restaurants among TV advertisements to kids: 1
Total spending by 100 leading TV advertisers in 1993: $15 billion
V. GENERAL
Percentage of local TV news broadcast time devoted to advertising: 30
Percentage devoted to stories about crime, disaster and war: 53.8
Percentage devoted to public service announcements: 0.7
Percentage of Americans who can name The Three Stooges: 59
Percentage who can name at least three justices of the U.S. Supreme Court: 17"
-A.C. Nielsen Co.
18:20 Nov 21 2009
Times Read: 1,269
We didn't get to bed until after five in the morning from the train for the movie.
They are supposed to be leaving today to shoot in Mingo Junction and my thoughts on that is good, let them cause those people some sleepless nights!
We just hit up a huge garage sale by my mom's house. The man who lived there was really nice but his family only has nine days to clear out the whole house.
I bought a lot of things. He made a lot of the wooden items they had. I got a calendar I know he made... and a couple of other things to remember him by.
I now have plenty of coffee cups for company!
:-)
Not like I plan on having much but they're good for tea and chai too!
I'm going to get started on my homework now. It's almost 1:30 pm and I have even gotten started because of the sleepless night and urgent call from my mom this morning at nine about the yard sale.
Lots and lots of things to do... let's start on it now while there's still a chance!
05:39 Nov 21 2009
Times Read: 1,272
I have a busy as hell day tomorrow. I have a ton of homework to do from the move, no internet and everything else going on.
I'm concentrating on my Composition stuff first.
I have about 15 assignments to finish in 2 days.
Stressed insanely?
Yes, I am.
Can I get this all done in time?
Yes, I will.
Why?
Because I'm determined to get it all done before 11 o'clock on Sunday night!
I can do this. I know I can.
I'm probably going to ignore Vampire Rave while I work on my homework the next couple of days.
But I will probably log on to update my journal.
:-)
Laters... and wish me luck!
17:11 Nov 20 2009
Times Read: 1,283
I just got pictures of the train outside my apartment that has Denzel Washington in it.
They have not one, but TWO helicopters right now.
This is insane.
I think I'm going to be complaining to someone about this noise.
I always thought it would be fun to watch a movie being filmed...
Now all I have to say is be very careful what you wish for!
23:59 Nov 19 2009
Times Read: 1,288
Aurora has started getting into the computer. She likes helping with the applications on my Facebook. She actually placed a ride today on the one!
LOL! It's cute!
I also found another game site through facebook that I joined last night. I'm kind of liking it since I can update something and leave the computer for a while.
**************************************
On a Tiffy note...
Reality is starting to sink in.
I'm depressed.
I'm scared of silence again.
I've been doing some things on impulses before I catch myself.
I still haven't made the appointments I really need to get made. I just haven't been able to get on the phone much.
I'm happy my social security appointment was in person and I had someone go with me... otherwise, I probably would have avoided it.
I guess it's like my psychiatrist says:
"Anxiety is lifelong. It's from your childhood. You need to learn and cope from it. Then you will begin to get better quickly!"
That's paraphrased.
The appointments I need to make are my therapist and my psychical therapy. The PT is for my back.
I'm just trying to get everything and anything done before the next thing comes up.
Why does it seem that the next thing comes up before anyone is ready for it though?
Eh, that's life I guess!
I Feel Clean! ♥
18:26 Nov 19 2009
Times Read: 1,305
Aurora's out with my boyfriend. They went to the mall to return something that we had gotten a little while ago.
I have a chance to breathe.
I hadn't gotten a shower in about four, maybe five, days.
I just got a nice long hot shower.
I feel so much better.
I have clothes washing and drying. I'm working on homework.
... And I'm doing a no-no by eating potato chips. I haven't received my diet instructions but I know they are not on it anywhere!
But I want something a little greasy so potato chips are the least greasy in the house!
:-)
17:21 Nov 19 2009
Times Read: 1,308
Hi, kissedhimgoodbye!
*waves*
I'm pretty damn sure it's you, Brit!
It's okay though.
I guess you have to read what I'm up to and whatnot to make sure I'm not any kind of threat.
*shrugs*
It's no big deal though. It is a public site after all!
After over three years of seeing him, I don't want to be with him. Okay?
It's in the past where it should stay!
The only thing I've wanted for the longest time now is to be friends with him. That's it, nothing more!
But yeah, I do love the boy... probably not in the ways you think though!
I hope you guys have fun in Japan!
:-)
03:24 Nov 19 2009
Times Read: 1,314
It's past 10 o'clock at night! You would think they would stop filming this damn movie by this time!
Nope!
Not only did a train go by... but a helicopter too!
What the fuck? How the hell am I supposed to get my child to sleep during the night?
I mean, this IS a residential area. I can deal with the highway being RIGHT THERE... heck, Aurora and I have gotten used to the sound of ambulances and police cruisers.
But how are we supposed to deal with a helicopter and crap outside in the middle of the night?
It would be a little bit better if this movie was bringing business to the area or something. But it's not doing jackshit to the area other then block off roads so people cannot go to work, school, and appointments. It's just causing more problems then it's worth!
I'm going to try to get some pictures of them filming tomorrow. If they are filming outside our apartment, they are NOT going to like what I do next.
This is bullshit!
I should have been able to go to my dad's grave ON Veterans' Day and not after!
I should be able to get through to see family and go eat at favorite restaurants but no, they're filming! Road closures everywhere!
Unstoppable my ass!
Red Orc's Rage
19:39 Nov 18 2009
Times Read: 1,330
"Jim Grimson had never planned to eat his father's balls.
He had not expected to make love to twenty of his sisters. He could not foresee that, while riding a white Steed, he would save his mother from a prison and a killer."
That is the very first part of a book I just got from the library today with my mom. Maybe I should just take it back without reading it!
Or maybe it will just be an interesting as hell read!
00:44 Nov 18 2009
Times Read: 1,345
I should know something in four to six months.
I'm making dinner right now.
Aurora's been learning how to play the Wii.
She's in time out currently because I tried to show her how to make the frog jump and she bit me.
She's got three more minutes left in time out.
I have yet another appointment tomorrow morning. This one is my welfare one and I have to make it too.
****************************************
Last night I talked to someone about my thoughts and whatnot.
I've been getting really depressed off and on lately. I don't know why or what has been "setting off" the thoughts.
I'm trying to figure it out with their help.
14:54 Nov 17 2009
Times Read: 1,358
Social security appointment today.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for this or not. I'm scared to death about it and about leaving the house yet again.
I'm not sure if I'll get it or not.
My psychiatrist thinks I'm someone who needs to get temporary SSI for a little while.
I can at least say my problems have been documented.
Back in 2005, I had a stay in a psychiatric ward. After I got discharged... my psychiatrist took me out of school for almost three months for me to be home schooled as I did meetings with my teachers for an hour per week.
My problems have only become worse since having a child.
My anxiety is the biggest problem I have.
Next in line is my post traumatic stress disorder.
Then comes manic depression.
And last but not least comes my personality disorder that I usually don't recognize but other people do.
I just want to get better. If I get approved for SSI, I don't plan on staying on it for very long. I don't want to be like others and abuse the system.
Got to go or I'll be late!
03:09 Nov 17 2009
Times Read: 1,371
Is it bad that I've made a new hobby out of nibbing and digging into files and what not...
Just so there's no surprises later on?
Wonder what I will find...
Hehe!
22:19 Nov 16 2009
Times Read: 1,379
Have you ever taken your computer into the bathroom because you were ill?
I have and *looks around* that's where I currently am.
I can still barely walk from the medicine they gave me for the EGD.
I just don't care to go back downstairs just to come right back up again in a few minutes.
I did finally get to eat a little bit of something. I've brought some of it up though. I'm getting better at drinking water. My mouth isn't so numb now.
They told me it would last for a good while.
I'm not allowed taking care of Aurora today or tomorrow because of it.
Thank god I have friends and family who can help when I need it.
19:52 Nov 16 2009
Times Read: 1,387
I got my scope done. My throat feels like someone shoved a knife down it. I feel so tired and out of it. I can barely walk right now.
The major findings were the same as last time... hiatal hernia and gastritis.
He thinks the gastritis is what's causing the blood in my vomit.
He also has placed me on a diet to help with it all. I'm going to be on a reflex, bland, low calorie diet.
I'm going to bed.
13:43 Nov 16 2009
Times Read: 1,391
I just woke up from a dream about a boy who I had a crush on for like four years of high school.
*I still kind of do.*
Jacob is his name.
In this dream, I had to get blood drawn for some kind of test. The girl who was going to take it was one of the popular girls from my graduating class. She said she just got her license to take blood.
I told her that I would prefer her not take it and that I was demanding someone else to do so.
*Yes, I have done this A LOT when I need blood taken!*
There wasn't someone else on duty and I demanded that they either get someone else to come in or I was going to get it done some other day.
I ended up saying some really nasty things... the one thing I can remember is...
"I've known you since we were in kindergarten together and you think I'm going to let you put a needle anywhere near my body. I would rather let a killer take a stab at me!"
I ended up making her cry though. She ran out of the room and left the state or something.
Jacob came by the door as she was running out and started talking to me.
We were becoming friends and what not.
I went to his place a few days later and we decided we were going after Dana and I was going to apologize for what I had said.
I knew I was in the wrong... I should have given her a chance.
But we were going to do so through a car ride.
*Anyone who knows this boy around here, knows he has money. He owned his own company before he even graduated high school. I remember he wanted to get a Mercedes Benz for his gift to himself to getting through high school.*
He ended up *trying* to convince me he was a poser of so many sorts. The dream became hilarious from this point out. He was just trying to make me laugh and smile though.
:-)
God, I want to have more "innocent" dreams like this one!
***********************************
Now to get ready for the damn scope I have to get done today. Ugh! It was good while it lasted!
I miss talking to him. I was really head over heels for him. LOL! Even though he's Catholic. I can hear my daddy now about "cat-lickers" and everything else! Hahaha!
Later people. I'm signing off.
03:14 Nov 16 2009
Times Read: 1,397
Tomorrow I have a scope for my stomach problems. I've still been puking up blood here and there but not as bad as what it was.
I hate procedures that put me to sleep. I'm scared to death of it!
I'll be too out of it to drive home so I got a ride lined up. My mom's also watching Aurora. She's going to get to go with her for a car ride that's over an hour. I know she'll enjoy that for sure!
I have like five appointments this week. I want to cry about it all being shoved in this one week. Well two are Aurora's but yeah... I have to take her. I'm getting others to go with me since I can't stand the thought of driving and things right now.
I'm dealing with things alright for the most part. I need to make myself another therapy appointment. I also need to get scheduled for my next physical therapy appointment too.
God, I have to much to remember on the topic of appointments.
I still haven't heard anything about a case worker but they have my old phone number. I need to call them tomorrow and let them know about the change of address, phone number, and whatnots.
I'm still moving things in from the other apartment. It's nothing big though and at least I'm getting the chance to sort through it while my mom and family watch Aurora for me a little bit here and there. I have until the end of this month tough and I'm doing pretty freakin' good on getting it all done while juggling everything else.
I'm still sick but if I say anything tomorrow, I'll have to wait another month or two to get this done. There's no way in hell I'm opening my mouth on that. Most of my coughing is from me just puking up the blood though. I'm sure a lot of things are all rolled in with whatever is going on with my stomach and digestive system.
Things are going better other then losing him to death. I still haven't even begun to deal with it all. I'm hating silence for the simple fact I'm so busy trying to get so many other things done to deal with the thoughts that are even surrounding it all.
Why do I always have problems finding the bright side to anything? I just want it to be handed to me for once this blasted year! I know that's selfish but yeah... it's how I feel right now!
My Court Court
21:31 Nov 15 2009
Times Read: 1,407
I logged onto MS to see this in Court's blog. She wants to start telling her story.
"dear ellen,
dear ellen i am courtney w**** i am 21 years old. i want to tell you my story and i hope you will read it and help me and my family.i was diagnosed 14old with
Cystinosis is a rare genetic disorder[1] that causes an accumulation of the amino acid cystine within cells, forming crystals that can build up and damage the cells. These crystals negatively affect many systems in the body, especially the kidneys and eyes.
The accumulation is caused by abnormal transport of cystine from lysosomes, resulting in a massive intra-lysosomal cystine accumulation in tissues. Via an as yet unknown mechanism, lysosomal cystine appears to amplify and alter apoptosis in such a way that cells die inappropriately, leading to loss of renal epithelial cells. This results in renal Fanconi syndrome, and similar loss in other tissues can account for the short stature, retinopathy, and other features of the disease.
Definitive diagnosis and treatment monitoring are most often performed through measurement of white blood cell cystine level using tandem mass spectrometry
i was on a feeding tube till i was 9years old .growth hormone shots every night from the age of 3 to 10years old.when i was 16 years old i resecieved a kidney transplant from a stude;nt teacher of mine. i was tutored 4 years of high school at homei graduated high school. in 2006. had my first job
.was going to go to college. for forentics scienceand was learning how to drive at 17 years old.then i lost my eye sight from "
She hasn't edited it yet and for some reason it didn't completely post. I'm thinking that she is still working on it and I'm probably right.
I talked to her a couple of days ago about problems of mine on the phone and a couple of other things... but this didn't come up during that conversation.
I'm happy she's getting her spunk back.
I'm going to keep posting her updates. The only thing I edited out was her last name.
I want to help spread my BEST friend's story.
Her strength is AMAZING and it's one of the things I love her for.
She's been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer of unknown origin.
I feel like she's been robbed. Every time she starts getting better, something else happens to make her worse again.
Since I've known her.
She had the disease of Cystinosis. She had to get blood transfusions and would pass out when she tried to go to school with us.
She got her kidney transplant that she needed so badly. Then she started doing better.
She went blind. She went to a school away from home to learn to live with it. She became better about it.
She applied for college after that and got accepted in.
She became ill and then got diagnosed with cancer. She's now on a treatment plan for that and trying to fight it.
She's 21 years old. She's younger then me. She's gone through so much in her life and I wish I could just help her out once in a big way!
I love her so much and since she was diagnosed with cancer right after my Grandma died from it... I'm so terrified I'm going to lose one of my closest and best friends I've ever had.
Even if one person reads this... I know I'll be helping her to spread her story some.
I love you, my Court Court. You better never forget that!
02:27 Nov 15 2009
Times Read: 1,422
The run down of Aurora's birthday is this...
It was just me, my mom, my stepdad, two aunts and two uncles, and my boyfriend.
Everyone else was sick or had other plans. There's people we know being tested for swine flu every other day or so.
I'm just hoping that Aurora doesn't get it.
There's a little boy up at the old apartment that was going to be tested today.
Chris was going to bring his three kids but two are sick with fevers breaking 102 degrees. If they don't break soon, he's taking them to the emergency room.
Speaking of Chris, I found out today that he got married to the chick he blew me off for. I have mixed feelings about it and I'll admit that much at least.
But I'm happy about how Aurora's birthday party went with all things considered. She had a blast! That's what matters to me.
I felt bad because my mom had to thank everyone for coming because I was upstairs in the bathroom puking from being still sick myself...
Heck, most of the party, I wore a mask so I didn't cough on anyone or anything.
I've already cleaned up all the mess, put away a lot of her new things where they go, taken out the trash, and washed the dishes.
:-)
That's why I'm able to get online right now to relax for a little bit.
*************************************
I'm extremely behind in my college classes because of the party, the move, and the lack of internet.
I'm hoping to at least make a list of what I need to get done for my own reference in a word document or something simple on this computer.
*************************************
I also have my social security appointment this week... my scope that my mom is taking me to since I can't drive... Aurora's WIC appointment... my welfare appointment... and Aurora's doctor appointment for her shots.
Busy flippin' week.
The only other thing going on is I have to make a walk-through cleaning of the other apartment so I can get the security deposit back.
Oh and I got approved for two kitties here! I have to get rid of Skids, Gemini, and Fuzzy now. I don't have Brett's friend's number to call her so I don't know what's going on other then, I'm putting them on Craig's List.
I kind of feel bad about that but what can I do, right?
*********************************
I'm going to stop writing for now and check on Aurora. She was put to bed about 30 minutes ago and I hear her stirring upstairs in her bedroom.
Laters!
03:38 Nov 14 2009
Times Read: 1,439
I'm posting this to some people on here.
"I'm still not sure if my friends understand who "him" is, especially my newer friends. I can't say more then that because of the wishes of others, the deceased and the living."
Either way I go, I feel like I'm holding back a lot on here by just with-holding a name.
A simple name.
All I can say is my knight in shining armor... my prince charming.
The most I can say is he's always been there for me since I met him and now he's gone.
That's it.
I miss him. I love him. I hope he knows how much on both of those that I feel. I hope he's happy now that he's gone and what ever is waiting on the other side is nothing but good... he deserves it after all!
02:08 Nov 14 2009
Times Read: 1,441
Aurora's party is tomorrow. I've been cleaning, unpacking, organizing, drawing, spraying glitter galore, decorating, blowing up balloons, and so many other things.
... I'm hoping to be done for the night. I'll start up again in the morning bright and early. I have to pick up her cake at 11 o'clock.
The party's at two and it's going to be interesting to see how I cope with so many people being here.
Tyler isn't going to get to come according to my mom. It sucks because that was one thing I was looking forward to... other then everything with Aurora that is.
I'm so not ready for this party emotionally. I honestly just want to hide in my space upstairs in the walk-in closet. I feel so depressed. I want to emotionally eat... but there's nothing I want to eat and when I make something, the smell makes me want to vomit. I want to drink but I know I can't make it through tomorrow with a hangover.
So I guess if I can't sleep tonight, I'll come downstairs to decorate some more so I have less to worry about tomorrow morning.
Aurora's breakfast...
Peanut butter CareBear sandwiches!
Yum! ... I think.
04:25 Nov 13 2009
Times Read: 1,458
I miss you, my Brett Brett... you are always my Meanie Mouse.
01:09 Nov 13 2009
Times Read: 1,465
His family is having a memorial service on Saturday at the same time as Aurora's birthday party. I can't even go but then again, he's already been cremated. Looks like I'm not going to have any closure on this one for a while.
It hurts like when I lost my daddy.
I can't have any relapses. I haven't in a few months. I need to concentrate on getting better myself. I need to continue on my own path where ever it leads. I need to know he's watching over me along side my daddy and helping me when I fall.
Right now, I really need something to believe in. I don't know what I believe in anymore and that's what scares me the most.
So much hope... so many dreams... he helped so many and did so much... just to die early.
I talked to Courtney last night. Her mom saw it in the paper. She's depressed badly. I don't think she's going to be able to come to Aurora's birthday party on Saturday.
I miss her.
... But as horrible as it sounds, I know she's strong. I know she has a great support system at home and abroad.
I have to worry about myself and my emotions on this one.
I need to heal... not just tuck it all away like I did my daddy. I need to find some way to get some closure on it all.
I don't even know if there's a plan to spread the ashes, who is taking them home, or if they will be buried.
I have no say in it.
I've known him for so long and it doesn't matter what my opinion is anymore.
Right now, I just want my teddy bear back and for him to tell me everything is going to be okay. For him to say one more time that the nightmares will just fade as the light of the sun hits them.
...Maybe that's why I have so many problems sleeping during the night.
I miss you insanely.
I just hope that the belief of someone's spirit being strong enough to stay around for a while after their passing... I want you to know how much I do love you and care about you.
I just want to go back to sleeping on that couch beside you and us both saying "fuck the drama."
I want our time together back.
I want you to be back.
I want to pick up the phone with you on the other end and telling me it's all a joke and I fell for it.
I just want one more hug.
04:57 Nov 12 2009
Times Read: 1,492
My knight in shining armor passed away on Friday. I feel disconnected from everything. Aurora's birthday is this Saturday and I'm finding it hard to be happy.
God help me.
I can't stand my own thoughts. I can't cope with all of this. I'm not even getting another chance to say goodbye to him.
I just... I just want to hide in my spot in this new apartment and forget the world even exists for a few days.
But I can't.
No matter what happens, I have a child to think about and she has a birthday party that I'm throwing on Saturday.
I need to try to keep my chin up and look at the good times and not this empty hole inside of me right now.
*smiles* You will always be missed. I don't even think anyone knows how much you meant to me... even though they saw it every time we were in the same room together.
I love you.
17:33 Nov 07 2009
Times Read: 1,526
DarkWhispers and Rayne13 a thing?
Just thought I would put that the last time I was online and last wrote in here... I found out some interesting information.
So here's the deal... Brett deleted his MySpace. I read some pretty interesting messages before he did though.
It's nice to know the girl he had a crush on, Erica, is now being pursued by my ex-boyfriend, Tony!
LOL! Nice to know he's chasing after his ex-girlfriend who he ended things with to be with me. I'm hoping she continues to think about her own life and not worry about his mind games and whatnot.
Awesome to know that he also told Rayne13 he loves her.
Also... in someone else's journal, he's chasing after an underage girl who messaged someone asking if he was bad news.
That person's screen name is samara5.
ON TOP OF ALL THAT...
He will never stop being obsessed over someone who is passed over.
He also claims to be IN LOVE with a 14 or 15 year old named Alex. She's on VR too.
While he was in the Salvation Army in Bellaire, OH he fucked a black chick from Weirton who was UNDERAGE!
I've talked to people to get my ducks in a row on that one!
And selling medication that you got for you being sick... it's a bad thing, Tony!
...Especially when you don't even do it right and don't get the fuckin' money!
LOL!
************************************
On another note.
I love to know I'm just a statistic!
Also that I'm just a THAT!
"Mostly she's just pissed that you could leave her for... *smiles faintly* THAT..."
Said by Tobias in a message from Erica's account on MySpace to Brett.
As for a certain connection, it hasn't been decided whether it will go or not by us.
*************************************
On the best note... Brett and I are becoming the closest we've been in a LONG time. We're doing really good.
His feelings are coming back for sure. They're at a comfortable level right now. We're moving at the moment still. I'm using the PSP to get online at our "old" apartment.
We've decided we're together. No ifs, ands, or buts!
We've been unpacking as we take things down.
We might be getting the internet soon. I'm not sure. I've tried getting on VR from the cell phone but it's not working.
I've been making the decorations for Aurora's birthday party. It's nice to see my family actually happy for us that Brett and I are working through our issues.
All in all...
I have to say I'm happy Tony came here because Brett would have never saw what he was doing wrong...
And I'm happy he developed the crush on Erica because I wouldn't have see what I was doing wrong either.
Now we're working together and not against the other.
:-)
************************************
As I keep hearing in my head...
Tony and Erica sitting in a tree...
K~I~S~S~I~N~G!
First comes love,
Then comes marriage...
Then comes Dominic and Tobias in a baby carriage!
Woot! *laughs*
Yes, I even told that to Brett and he got a laugh out of it too! LOL!
************************************
All I can really say is yeah, I was seen by other people to be a bitch to try to get my way with Brett but did you ever think that I knew what was going to come from it all?
It's all for the best!
In the very least for Brett and me...
PRIVATE ENTRY
20:23 Nov 04 2009
Times Read: 1,562
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
PRIVATE ENTRY
20:20 Nov 04 2009
Times Read: 1,563
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
20:13 Nov 04 2009
Times Read: 1,566
Brett's a douche. Such a douche.
He says I'm moving in no matter what cause we're working on us.
He's deleting his MySpace. He's deleting everything. But we're talking about it all first.
We're working on things no matter what and damn it, we're going to work!
At least I didn't end things this time for old ass naked pictures of two girls in his Yahoo e-mails that were over a year and a half old! LOL!
*smooches*
And Brett wants me to add that he's not giving anyone hope. He's trying with me and that's it.
I'm sick as hell and I'm thinking of going to the hospital. Someone want to hold my hand?
18:37 Nov 04 2009
Times Read: 1,573
I never said I was over you. I said I was moving on. There's a difference, Tony.
I have you blocked on all accounts, except for my MySpace right now. I will be blocking you on there too in the next few days.
I'm allowed reading whatever journal I want.
I've had you blocked for a few days now. Believe me if you want and think I'm lying if you want.
***************************************
On another note, I'm talking to my mom about moving in on the other side of the duplex.
Just wanted to add that in LOVER!
I'm tired of this shit. If I get what I want then connections will be broken and forgotten about dear Erica.
It's really simple. I'm tired of all of this.
I'm separating my things from his as I pack now.
As soon as my SSI gets approved, I'm going through them to get back in here or something. I don't know.
Yeah, you both agreed if it's meant to be then it will.
I agree too. If he wants to work things out with me, he will. If not, then fine. I'm going to do things for myself now. Screw this together bullshit. I'm tired of relationships and hurt.
I need to just worry about myself and my daughter.
*********************************
Update on Aurora, I'm looking into possibly doing jewelry for friends and family to be able to enroll her into a mom and tots school where they even have a mini roller coaster and things!
Hehe!
Like I said in previous journal entries... nothing is holding me down for long. I can't let it. I need to get in to see my therapist sometime soon.
I might be throwing Aurora's party at my mom's house. It will probably be better.
Tony
17:32 Nov 04 2009
Times Read: 1,589
I'm not trading you just yet. I'm talking with a couple of my friends on here about it first. I'm waiting for one of the messages to be replied.
Just so you know, I traded NeonBlood this morning. Your recruit was blinded, sold, and dismissed.
:-)
It took a little off the 15,000 favors for you. You're now down to 12,500 favors. But then again, you say you don't owe me favors.
As you can tell, I'm moving on. As I can tell, you're moving on with Laura. So why does it really matter whether you are in my coven or not?
I wish you luck meeting her parents! I hope things work out for you, Tony.
But yeah, I'm online. I'm on Brett's laptop and I have no phone and no net on my computer. That's where I always do coven business so I won't be making any trades or anything like that until after our move is done and over with.
God, I really need to ignore some people. *sighs* It would be for the best.
I'm going back to my homework!
13:57 Nov 04 2009
Times Read: 1,598
He was late to get out of here for his classes this morning. I'm going to kick his butt. I'm waiting for him to call me back before we lose the net and phone so I can use his laptop.
I moved a lot of our packed boxes so I won't have any problem with the maintenance guys coming in to change the furnace filers. It's no big deal now.
*sighs* I'm still panicky about someone else coming into my safety zone.
~He just called. I have the access password! Woot!~
Is it kind of bad that last night I asked him straight out if he has spoken with her or has any conversations or pictures of her saved. He doesn't thank god... but I didn't want to overreact about something that isn't a problem right now.
I feel like shit. I think I'm gonna lay down for like an hour if Aurora lets me. As it stands right now, I don't think I would be able to concentrate on my homework enough to do it with no problems. That's pretty bad.
Either way, I'm getting off of here... whether it is to lay down for an hour, clean some more, pack more boxes, read to Aurora, or just to do crafts.
:-)
Later.
06:55 Nov 04 2009
Times Read: 1,605
I'm scared to fall asleep and I know that's why I'm still awake right now. I have so much to do in the morning but if I go to bed now, I can get about four hours of sleep. It's something! Heck, it's a lot to me!
But when I wake up in the morning, I'm probably not going to have the internet or the phone. In all honesty, it's going to feel like like I'm abandoned.
I have a best friend in Tennessee that's willing to pay our whole bill just so I can keep attending my classes online, talking to my mom, talking to my friends online, and keeping in contact with him.
I refuse to use him like that, even though he wants me to take him up on the offer.
*smiles* I don't know what to think right now. I have to say the temptation is there to see what else is out there but I don't regret not going and seeing for myself. I'm where I want to be and that's enough for me to be happy. I've gotten my little piece of closure.
Heck, there have been things said to me and about me that won't ever be forgiven or forgotten by a few people. But you know what, I can live with myself when I wake up in the morning.
I admit I turned in Rayne13 for having multiple account for her and her alter-ego. If she's going to have two accounts, she can have the respect to pay for them both to have premiums instead of having two free accounts and logging on in both everyday with the violation continuing. To be honest, I'm happy she's gotten to keep her main account! I know it means a lot to her.
The only thing I'm pissed about that situation anymore is the fact Erica's still collecting on the referral points from the Tobias13 account! I really don't see that as being fair on here... but what the hell can I do about it?
I refuse to let much get me down right now. I've got so much to do!
I have Carebears to make and invitations to send out!
I want to finish my blanket I'm crocheting for Shadow Dancer.
I want to make some more jewelry so I can become better with it all!
I want to get everything unpacked and to the new apartment.
I have to finish all of my homework and get it all submitted before the end of this week.
I want to look into making some curtains for the new place.
Heck, I want to move as much as I can without getting that damn U-Haul!
... I think I'm starting to get my spunk back on things. I feel somewhat better though.
I do feel bad about one thing. Three other guys wanting to be with me as in relationship-wise and I don't want to explore anything with them. I'm focused on Brett and me. I want a family with him and Aurora... no one else.
I know if I wanted to, I could convince Brett to let me have a second again or something on the side... but I don't want it.
I know I need to talk to my therapist and possibly my psychiatrist about my sex addiction. I feel like I'm going crazy... That's why Brett bought me the jewelry making things and the yarn to crochet with. He's trying to help me out with the sex cravings but I don't know how well it's working.
Thank god, I'm still allowed to flirt with friends and online. I don't realize I'm doing it most times so I don't know how exactly I would stop that if I had to.
We're struggling for money and yet, he's worried about me feeling like I'm losing my mind from sex. How horrible is that?
I'm going to look into SAA for myself and possibly start going to the meetings. I want to do something before it gets too bad again.
And no, before anyone says it... I'm never just been looking for a fuck buddy. There's only one guy that turned into a really meaningless fuck for me and that was Nirguna. That's it.
I've only slept with Brett, Nirguna (2 times), Chris (2 times) and Tony. I lost my virginity to Tommy but I'm still not completely sure how that happened but doesn't change the fact that it did.
I'm pretty sure that doesn't qualify me as a slut! LOL! If I was a whore, I wouldn't be struggling for money right now... Oh, with Nirguna and Chris both times I had sex with both of them, Brett was in the room and enjoying himself. We both kind of have a thing for sexual voyeurism in one way or another!
:-)
I still have to admit I want to fuck a guy in the ass with a dildo. God, how did I really get on this topic... other then me being horny and to the point if I was on sleep medicine, I would be waking Brett up to a midnight screw. Woot! I miss those! But I'm not... and I won't...
I really need to stop listening to Missy Elliot and things. It makes me want to start dancing in retarded ways.
Oh something that happened last month that I wrote in my personal journal about but not on here... I'm sure not sure whether I should or not but damn it... I'm tired of thinking about it so much.
There was a minister, preacher... whatever he is... in the Southern states that refused to marry a mixed couple... turns out he doesn't believe in it for the same reasons as myself and he won't perform a marriage ceremony between them. At least I'm not the only one who thinks like I do. You may think it's ignorant but if I knew everyone beliefs on VR and other internet community sites, I would probably find something about your beliefs I think is ignorant so what the hell do you want from me? I believe what I believe and at least I admit my beliefs even when I was cornered on here.
I ended up taking my scissors to the stuffed animals and then throwing it outside in the dumpster. I'm proud of myself for that. I'm done with it now. No more sleeping with the doggy wondering if it's possible for people to change.
They can always change, if they want to!
I'm changing every-damn-day.
Hell, I went out today for a few hours. Brett ended up leaving me and Aurora for a little bit. I also spent like 20 minutes doing a survey for $8! I also just went outside a little while ago and talked with some kitties out there.
Everyone in this damn apartment is asleep... except me of course. Even the five cats are sleeping peacefully. We found a home for Fuzzy with a friend of Brett. I think they will get along just fine... she just got a dog with her boyfriend though! LOL! She originally wanted my Gemini but that would just be funny to watch the first meeting of Gemi tearing her a new asshole, mouth, and nose! Hehe! My protective kitty!
God, I'm going to bed. Night. I'm hoping I still have internet in the morning but there's no saying right now.
04:25 Nov 04 2009
Times Read: 1,614
So I made my first piece of jewelry today. Its no where near perfect but I love it. I'm wearing it right now in fact! Woot!
It's nice to have something else to focus my energy on... and to keep my hands busy!
Here's the pictures of the finished product!
I know there are so many people on VR that have done better... but for it being my very first piece of jewelry, I think I did pretty damn good!
:-)
The pendent was made by me too with some wire! Woot!
So do you like it?
And any tips?
18:12 Nov 03 2009
Times Read: 1,628
I'm just posting this to let my friends and other people know I'm going to probably lose the internet tonight or tomorrow morning. We've put in a cancellation with Comcast because they don't offer it at our new apartment complex.
We're going to make some money now. LOL! We're turning in more cans, going to buy me some supplies for something I'm making for a friend and myself and also checking on Brett's applications for jobs.
*smiles* Everyone says tomorrow will be a better day.
Well you know what, I'm determined to make today my tomorrow!
♥
Thanks for everything Frankie!
02:25 Nov 03 2009
Times Read: 1,639
I'm trying to cope and heal with my Grandma's death the best I can.
I know I'm not ready to pick up the embroidery again but I'm starting to crochet a blanket for my kitty cat, Shadow.
Once I get the hang of it again, I'm going to make one for Aurora Bliss.
:-)
I'm thinking of making myself a choker type thing though!
♥
Thank you so much Grandma for everything you taught me while you were here! I'm never going to forget the craft lessons nor the life lessons!
You are missed though!
20:34 Nov 02 2009
Times Read: 1,646
There's a lot of things on my mind today. I've been dwelling on everything all night and day. I still haven't been to bed yet. I can't sleep and it's driving me insane. I'm going to have to take a sleep medication tonight. I already called my psychiatrist about it since I'm supposed to be off the Ambien. I have a few left though.
If this keeps up, I'm going to have to get back on the Ambien or another sleep medication. I can't keep on going without sleep. I haven't gotten much sleep in about three days now. I think I've gotten at most five hours... and that's if I'm lucky.
I just want one damn hour and that's it. God, I just want to get some sleep!
I've been working on my homework all day though. Last night I got too out of it that I felt drunk but had absolutely nothing to drink. I still feel kind of drunk but not as bad since I took a vitamin this morning so I could get up with Aurora.
*smiles* She's been something else completely today. She's been wanting to hear stories a lot. I'm actually losing my voice. Carebears galore!
She can now say yellow, red, and blue! Woot! I'm proud of her! Just wait until daddy hears her!
:-)
We're also planning for a friend of mine and Brett's to come and stay with us for a couple of weeks in about five or six months. I'm excited about it!
Courtney is up in Columbus again. Her mom answered her phone this time. She was asleep and she's been really sick from the chemo. She's still not wearing her wigs yet.
I'm hoping she'll be strong and well enough to come to Aurora's birthday party on the 14th! ♥ I'm trying to get the money together to go visit her in Columbus but I'm not sure I'll be able to with everything else going on.
Speaking of things going on... we're looking forward to getting the U-Haul and getting out of this place! A couple of days ago when Brett was coming back from the store, there were two police cruisers down in the parking lot arresting someone.
I'll be glad to be out of here with Aurora! If I have to... I will go donate plasma every two weeks or so to get some more money to make ends meet. It's as simple as that!
I'm waiting to get into my appointment for SSI for my anxiety and depression. I'm also still waiting for my case manager. Once I talk to all of them and get my ducks in a row, I'm hoping to start working with my therapist to volunteer somewhere maybe a couple of times a month to help me get better.
It's a start at least!
I'm also looking kind of forward to Christmas this year. It's the first Christmas I've looked forward to since the year before my daddy died.
I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving a lot! I'm not sure if we're staying here or traveling to Maryland to visit family. Either way, I'm looking forward to it!
I'm going to stop typing and get more homework done before I get too distracted thinking.
01:26 Nov 02 2009
Times Read: 1,664
One of my best friends can always make me smile whether I want to do so or not.
:-)
I'm getting off of here for the night.
I'm so freakin' tired. I've gotten a lot of homework done today. I'm going to wait until a couple of my songs download to get off the computer completely.
I feel a lot better after getting so much off of my chest today. I saw he deleted all of his entries, but I'm leaving mine up.
I don't put on masks. How you see me act in this journal, is how I am... flaws and all!
I have to say, I like how I'm becoming as of late. I'm not so scared of everything. I think I'm getting better some. I feel like I'm even stumbling across the path of finding myself again.
I feel almost comforted by finding my voice and some confidence again. It's relieving to be able to step back and see things for what they are.
Like I said before, if you believe me, fine. If not, that's fine too. I don't mind if you think I'm a liar. I know the truth at least.
After all, like Brett says...
I'm the anti-girl!
Brett21:53 Nov 01 2009
Times Read: 1,683
Alright... I am fucking done with all of this bullshit. Tony, Dominic, whoever else is fucking with you now... Shut the fuck up.... I was going to be fine dealing with this, until you fucking used me against her.. I am fucking done. You want to talk about her not being a good mother, when was the last time you saw your daughter? when was the last time that you touched her? Do not question whether Tiff is a good parent, she is 1000 times better then you ever will be. As for you taking care of Aurora... You jumped every time Aurora made a sound.... Do you realize that you made my daughter overweight with how fucking much you were feeding her???? BRAVO!!!!!
As for Tiff fucking a stranger.... Well if you take things out of context then you and I are gods... You are a fucking moron... And she never said that she would want to fuck a stranger... She said that after a few months without sex that she would want sex so bad that she wouldnt care if it was with a stranger... You know that is kinda what happens when you are a sex addict. And what about the last time that you were here... I came to get you and you and her spent the WHOLE NIGHT FUCKING and keeping me awake, KNOIWING that I had school...... And then when I did go to bed you woke me up a few hours later and immediately woke her up to more fucking... That DISRESPECT is why I told her that I did not want you living with me.... You showed no respect the whole fucking time that you were here.
As for Courtney... BOY you have no room to talk... Before we kicked you out the first time I even heard you tell Tiff that she couldnt call Courtney, but you wanted her number so that you could hook up with her because it didnt matter if you fucked her or not cause she was gonna die soon. Courntey Understands what Tiff is going through. And when you arent around she actually has the courage to talk to people, because she doesnt have you l;looking over her shoulder or listening in causing drama and shit.....
As for trading you, I will be happy to trade you, when you or neonblood earn back the favor that you cost the coven... and your words when you were here... 100 times the level.... well you are up there so you are expensive... plus all the favor your cost us by trading for all your whores....
as for the pity party, she is asking pity from noone. Actually, we pity you... You are a pathetic little boy that jumps from girl to girl... Double standards much.... You are a pathetic fool.
As for your mental block, well if you continue to be a little dick and piss and moan because she calls you out on everything, well Emery will take care of the mental blocks, and deal with Dominic, yet again....
And as for the master slave... Do you even realize that your need to dominate all of her waking time made you the worst and most pathetic master... THe one that takes the control by force... You know you are a pathetic little boy who likes to use the women that he is with and abuse them while they are with you, and then trash talks them when they wise up and leave your dumb ass....
Brett
PRIVATE ENTRY
21:22 Nov 01 2009
Times Read: 1,690
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
21:06 Nov 01 2009
Times Read: 1,693
If I really wanted a fuck buddy, I know a lot of guys that would be more then happy to fuck my brains out. Is that what I want, nope.
I just don't want you anymore.
I have only taken two anxiety pills in the past week. I've driven my car over five times. I've gone to the social security office to talk to them. I've gone to my appointments. I've gotten my homework done.
I'm doing a lot better since I've been getting my motivation back.
So you know what, screw you, Tony.
I was going to trade you out of my coven by the classified but you know what, I still might. I'm thinking of sending you to Purgatory. You would be a nice addition to their coven until you turn level 100.
You say I just want a fuck buddy and yet how many girls have you fucked? God, I'm surprised you don't have a disease.
You want to say shit about me, fine! I'm sure any other girl would have lied to their mother to for her not to have a stroke or have a nervous breakdown.
I can now honestly say I'm glad your gone. I don't have to put up with the mind games anymore!
God help the next girl you get with!
20:49 Nov 01 2009
Times Read: 1,696
My mom is another story completely! Would you rather me have her stroke out from telling her the complete truth at that time?
My Grandma was dying if you remember correctly.
And we were not boyfriend and girlfriend when she asked. It's as simple as that. You had sex with me the second night you were here... would you like to come clean with Brandy about that? I haven't talked to her to tell her. And didn't tell her to begin with because you wanted me to keep quiet about it all. Nice how that worked, huh?
I've come clean with my mom about everything since you left the first time. Hell, I even showed her the picture of you and Brett kissing.
By the way, please don't become obsessed with him like you are about Rikku. He doesn't want to be friends with you or anything else. He's done with it all.
Anyway, he has his own man crush to think about!
I'm done. I'm going to block you and leave it at that. Go ahead and write what you want. I don't care what lies you post.
I admit to my own lies I had to tell my mom for her health and shit. I started telling her little by little right after my Grandma died. But you probably don't remember that!
As for my maturity and things... I'm more mature then you are, sweetheart. I can actually get things I need to get done, finished. I handle myself pretty damn well thank you very much.
I'm not letting you be my curse anymore. Buh-bye.
20:24 Nov 01 2009
Times Read: 1,709
In regards to the below entry, it's my comment but deserves it's own entry.
:-)
"*smiles* I already know I'm going to be accused of lying and what not. Oh well, this is my entry to say fuck off. I'm tired of stupid shit. I'm tired of it all. I would rather try to save my relationship with someone who is more mature then spend time on a relationship where the person doesn't even know what he wants. Hell, yeah Tony wanted me so much he cheated on me. He got thrown out of my place and where did he go? He started hooking up with another girl. Shows how hurt he was!
I don't lie. It's as simple as that. It's pathetic to lie. And I know that's his solution to everything... just claim the other person is lying. It's up to whoever reads this or any of my journal entries, messages or whatever to decide what they believe.
I'm not going to be the next notch on another guy's belt from Vampire Rave. I admit I was stupid and foolish for spreading my legs. I admit I was ignorant in my actions this whole time.
Yeah, I was trying to work on Brett and me when he came here. Maybe I should not have had Brett go get him that night and things might have turned out different between Brett and me. But you know what? No regrets. Plain and simple.
I learned lessons in the end and that's more important to me then feeling the hurt from any of his actions.
So fuck off. I'm not replying the message you sent me. I didn't even read it. I just threw it in my saved messages and went on talking to my friends on here. I'm not going to put myself threw anything else for you, Tony.
You're out of my life now, get the point. Maybe it was my actions, maybe it was my choice... but in the end it doesn't change the final result.
It's over. Goodbye. I'm throwing out Mister Carmel Cupcake tonight."
And this is my stand. I don't care what other people think. If you want to comment, go ahead. I don't care if you do or not. I don't delete my comments.
:-)
I'm tired of being so depressed. Screw it. I'm getting better whether other people are in my life or not!
19:26 Nov 01 2009
Times Read: 1,719
I can honestly say I've come in contact with my own cowboy casanova.
Thanks Tony!
You're the one who made my choice. You unblocked me but I refuse to message. I will not give in to any feelings I have for you again. I'm tired of getting hurt.
Whether Brett and I work out or not, you made your decision. I'm not letting you go back on it.
I would rather be utterly alone, then hook up with any guy who goes from one girl to the next. Just wondering who is stepping up to your plate next!
*laughs* Maybe it will be that girl at the library!
This song explains exactly how I feel about you. God, I'll admit I want to hug, kiss, and fuck you so bad but it's never be happening again!
Everything happens for a reason and looks like I got some of my confidence back through all of it!
:-)
Lyrics:
"Carrie Underwood
Cowboy Casanova lyrics
You better take it from me, that boy is like a disease
You're running, you're trying, you're trying to hide
And you're wondering why you can't get free
He's like a curse, he's like a drug
You get addicted to his love
You wanna get out but he's holding you down
'Cause you can't live without one more touch
[Chorus]
He's a good time, cowboy casanova
Leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water
But he's candy-coated misery
He's the devil in disguise
A snake with blue eyes
And he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don't want to fight
You better run for your life
I see that look on your face
You ain't hearing what I say
So I'll say it again
'Cause I've been where you've been
And I know how it ends
You can't get away
Don't even look in his eyes
He'll tell you nothing but lies
And you wanna believe
But you won't be deceived
If you listen to me
And take my advice
He's a good time, cowboy casanova
Leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water
But he's candy-coated misery
He's the devil in disguise
A snake with blue eyes
And he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don't want to fight
You better run for your life
(Chorus)
Run run away
Don't let him mess with your mind
He'll tell you anything you want to hear
He'll break your heart
It's just a matter of time
But just remember
He's a good time, cowboy casanova
Leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water
But he's candy-coated misery
He's the devil in disguise
A snake with blue eyes
And he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don't want to fight
You better run for your life
(Chorus)
Oh you better run for your life{2}"
COMMENTS
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XxNephthysxX
18:38 Nov 30 2009
What great news :)
Sounds like everything's finally going your way for once ;)
What else you gunna do in your downtime, hun?
x
mysticwinds
18:49 Nov 30 2009
You both have come along way. be happy the past is gone and today is a new day. Think of 5 positive things that you have. If one negative thing comes up you have 5 positives to be happy for.
I hate cleaning house come clean mine.