DireConsequences's Journal
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11 entries this month
The Eternal Craving
14:09 Nov 29 2005
Times Read: 912
The craving I just can't get rid of
The craving that is a part of me
The craving for the pain, the drama, the feeling of being hurt, punished
The craving that is always there
It curls around my heart
Killing everything I feel
The only thing real for me
The satisfaction from the pain
People seeing me only in horrible vain
Not understanding the feelings of worthlessness and shame
Until the dark angel of death comes for the claim
The final deal that scares me more then the everholding rape
That has forever scarred this heart with a continuing gap
The craving for the sex and torture
My dreams plagued with the craving at night
Sending a sick and twisted form of rapture
Until the demons deminish within the morning light
Somehow disappointed within the reality it wasn't real
Lost within the sensation that I used to feel
The feelings of a sweet innocence
The feelings that will never again exist
Within my mind, my thoughts to consume me
Forever to be doomed with this everlasting enemy
The one who destroyed me
So long ago somewhere in another century
The one who never got their punishment
The family who left me within their hateful abandonment
Rejected by everyone, including friends who once were
They blame me that separate world
The world I had completely no control over
The world that I thought was all over
Until that day my sister came into that world to join
No matter how badly I fought and whined
No matter what I said
The voice inside my head
Convinced me I would be better off dead
Thinking of the horrible past instead
Of the future my true friends held waiting for me
Paralyzed with the craving that I feel, afraid of being free
Afraid of this craving that envelopes around me
Devolouring me and everything that I see
The craving for the pain of rape
For my heart to have another gash that gaps
The feelings of damnation back
As the molesters come up with excuses that are crap
The memories are sickening and so terribly sweet
As the wounds are cut so incredably deep
So deep that no one would ever think
That as I sit, I just sink
Sink into the nothingness of a shell
From the childhood that belonged in hell
Dying from the life that was so far behind
Thinking of another way to hide
From these demons I'm afriad to face
As it is me that I must chase
It's all my fault
I'm so engulfed
With these feelings that scare me from the depths within my mind
The sensations of the raping that I miss and adore
But I try to keep these craving behind a locked door
message from so hurt inside
15:44 Nov 23 2005
Times Read: 934
so hurt inside
i don't want to trust no one
so hurt inside
i just want to hide the pain
so hurt inside
they knew what it would do
so hurt inside
they killed me anyways
so hurt inside
i might as well die
so hurt inside
i just want to cut
so hurt inside
all i can now say is goodbye
this is from so hurt inside
My Heart Inside
14:07 Nov 23 2005
Times Read: 941
my heart has screamed for someone to come
for love to be with it completely or at least some
now my heart has that and does not know what to do
because all of the feelings involved in love are still new
it had gotten used to the unique love of one
but then he left, I thought it was dead, it was done
shocked with fear I vowed not to listen to it anymore
now it cries for it loves again and wants to be in a cage never more
I'm scared to leave it out into the darkness of the night
for I don't know what will happen and hurt it, he might
so i sit here and ponder at the whole aspect of love
should i set my heart free, as free as a great dove
Bloody Tears04:55 Nov 23 2005
Times Read: 942
The blood drips down through these tears
As I shed my pain and my greatest fears
What He Expects
16:37 Nov 21 2005
Times Read: 955
He expects me to say it without knowing how I feel
He expects me to say it without giving me the time I need to heal
I'll only admit to myself I love him but I will not leave these feelings over spill
I'm scared the hole in my heart will gap and not even begin to fill
He expects me to say it without knowing how I feel
He expects me to say it without giving me the time I need to heal
In Memory of My Daddy03:58 Nov 13 2005
Times Read: 971
You are always here with me
I feel your presence but can't see
I speak to you, but can you hear
Have you lived just to disappear
From the world and universe
Can't move time into reverse
I miss you more than anything
I'm depressed to see these memories
Can't get away, I look, you're there
Again I'm left within despair
What He Can't See03:54 Nov 13 2005
Times Read: 972
Cutting, cutting
My arms, my legs, my stomach
Anywhere, just take away the pain
Can't stand no more
Let me out of this world
Just let the past drain
But there's always more pain
Just one more cut, I beg
Just one more cut to stay
As a reminder not to trust
As a reminder of the lust
For the one who has helped me
He can never ever see
This feeling that is so strong
For he is already claimed
So for now just leave my life drain
this was originally written by me on Aug. 26, 2005 but since the thoughts of cutting have found their way back into my mind, i caught myself reading over it again so i put it in here.
I Gave Up And No One Knew03:32 Nov 13 2005
Times Read: 975
Someone please save me
For slowly I shall die
Consumed by my thoughts
Looking to cry or someplace to hide
To run away from my problems
Hide them away in the back of my mind
Put them under lock and key
Then they won't bother me until the night
Tears completely fill my body
My heart has slowly drowned
I have seen nothing but black for quite some time
But then I realized that I have already died
So now I admit I gave up
And I offically say goodbye
the girl full of pain03:20 Nov 13 2005
Times Read: 977
A single lonely girl sits and cries
She cradles her head in her hands and tries
Thinking of all the people who are there for her
All of the people who don't understand her despair
How could they ever understand
They weren't there when she couldn't stand
They don't know the first thing about her
As the crowd watch her, holding her within their stare
They don't know of the pain held within her eyes
The pain that she tries anything to hide
She forces herself to believe she is free enough to fly
Knowing deep inside she's so afriad, she can only reply
To the thoughts by cutting up herself
As people run terrified screaming "save yourself"
How could they ever understand
They weren't there when she couldn't stand
They don't know the first thing about her
As the crowd watch her, holding her within their stare
She gives into the horrifying thoughts of self-mutalation
Because she found herself in an everlasting feeling of desperation
With the unreturned love she felt, she pierced the flesh deep next to her heart
And as her blood drained with her life, the love she felt turned sourly tart
How could they ever understand
They weren't there when she couldn't stand
They don't know the first thing about her
As the crowd watch her, holding her within their stare
Yet the crowd grew and stood in awe and admiration
For she did what they couldn't with the same feelings of damnation
But still...
Her last feelings with her blood spilled...
How could they ever understand
They weren't there when she couldn't stand
They don't know the first thing about her
As the crowd watch her, holding her within their stare
But they understood more then she thought...
make them go away06:20 Nov 12 2005
Times Read: 982
make them go away
the voices in my head
they stay through the night and day
just please make them go away
and don't give me any more meds
i can't stand hearing them anymore
for they say he will be back nevermore
but they are wrong for i know he will
to make them stay away
i don't care anymore just give me the damn pills
i can't deal with these voices anymore
i can't deal with the things they say
they know my fears
they know their way around my head
i have no defenses to stop them
i have no way to control them
i leave them talk and think of things
guilty for the ones i think
for if only people knew i would be back in
no way out of this corner
for they have blocked me in
i can't move for fear i will fall
but in my head i think of answering their calls
i am sorry06:12 Nov 12 2005
Times Read: 983
i am sorry
i am sorry for everything
i am sorry i made you feel like a jerk
i am sorry i always bitch
i am sorry i keep things bottled up
i am sorry for leaving them explode
i am sorry i fell in love with you
i am sorry i think we could be something more
i am sorry i still believe in fairy tales
i am sorry for bothering you when you needed to sleep
i am sorry for all of this and more
just tell me to leave and i'll head out this door
so that way you don't have to put up with me anymore
i am sorry for everything this is to the one i adore
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