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I really need to get my premium back. =( That way I feel more comfortable writing whatever here. It's always been like a home here. My first real feeling of home since my dad died. I retreated here. It's still somewhat my home. When I have something to say, I'll type it here. Almost always. Brett knows to come here to read my thoughts that I want known by whoever.



I miss my premium membership. If my car dies, I really don't want to feel that horribly selfish for getting a premium on here instead of setting that money aside for another car later on.



Yes, I would feel the guilt. I always do.



And something always seems to come up too. It never seems to fail.



I feel stressed. I've been told not to hang stuff out to dry. Well that's all fine and dandy... except it saves us a lot of money. The doctor I see for my asthma, his nurse, is the one who went through the stuff I can and can't do. The clothes have been making me itchy for a while and my breathing was acting up but I didn't think anything about the hanging of them outside. I'm upset about it. Even when money isn't tight, I hang clothes. It's practical and saves money so why wouldn't I want to continue to do it?



Ugh! Another stress... I'm not supposed to vacuum, deal with the rat bedding or cat litter, or anything with dust. Everything can get dusty. Put me in a bubble?



I'm just depressed. I'm tired of taking an allergy pill here and there because of the wheezing and me breaking out. It seems stupid to me. I can't really avoid dust, can I? I mean, I can avoid it in some aspects but not everywhere. Aurora's stuffed animals have dust on them and there's a lot of them!



I'm tired of stuff. Tired of it. I'm tired of toys that come back to the same resting places in the living room on the floor in the way. I'm tired of the fat cat not moving out of my way. I'm getting frustrated by my four year old shadow even though I love her more than anything.



I shouldn't be this frustrated and angry and grumpy and gloomy. I shouldn't be down this far. I started feeling a little better. I just don't have the energy.



I just shouldn't be. I feel awkward, hopeless and without meaning. I feel horrible.

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fyre
22:30 Mar 29 2012

sweet heart, at least your feeling something... You know I am still having issues feeling anything....

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I feel sex starved, even though I'm not really. My emotions are out of whack. I got my period for once in four months! Damn you, Prozac! Damn you! Hopefully the new medication will even me out soon. I broke the thing it comes in though, it was too child proof for me. O_O I feel stupid for that.



I want to hide. But gosh, that's such an understatement for what's really going through my mind.



Brett only had a week off for his break. He's graduating after this quarter. I'm proud of him. Really am! Depending on what happens around here, he may go back for welding to get into the iron workers though. It depends on the job market available in the area. We don't want to move yet.



Aurora won't sleep at night. She's gotten an earful yesterday and the day before. I guess my mom and stepdad are learning what it's like. O_O I'm going to have to get her evaluated, whether I like the idea or not. I hate to have her looked at for anything at the age of four but it would be stupid not to at this point. *sighs* She's not listening to them either now. The only person she'll even remotely listen to is me and even at times, she'll ignore me until I take away something she likes or wants to get her attention.



She was supposed to stay two nights at my mom's. She came home yesterday after one night. They were going to bring her straight home but didn't know if I was home yet since I had gone to the laundry mat to dry clothes. She was good as gold yesterday morning for them but my mom and stepdad agreed they want her to realize that she did something wrong and really scared them.



I don't blame them one bit. She's never done anything like this to them. Never. She's done it with me but not to this extent and with Brett too. She did it to my stepdad once but she came in the house without telling him where she was going. She's not comprehending that she's scaring us and doing wrong.



It upset her... my stepdad wouldn't talk to her for once because he was that upset.



I love my daughter but she has everything she could want. If we can't afford something, we save up or my mom, stepdad or sister get it for her before I can. I try to keep her on a schedule for sleep like my psychiatrist told me too. I try to keep her diet healthier than most kids. She drinks more water than any child I've seen. She loves fruits more than candy but of course, my stepdad spoils her with candy when she's up there. She loves yogurt and stuff. She like tuna and turkey. She even likes prunes and fig bars. =) She loves bananas too; they're her favorite.



I'm just tired of this. I'm tired of the zoning. I'm frustrated with trying to teach her than her playing stupid with other people in the room.



I'm frustrated. Ugh!



I'm depressed. I barely have time for me anymore. Heck, I barely write. I don't have time to draw even though I got another book around Christmas time with fairies and stuff. I don't have time to go for walks when the weather suffices for me to do so with my asthma. I can't even do the Wii most of the time. The hell with doing the Wii Fit or Zumba. I got the Zumba game and haven't gotten to play it once. Aurora's always watching something on the television or her and the cats are playing in the living room. I feel like I can't talk to Brett about most of the things going on with me. He didn't even know I was sleeping with a pair of blue handled scissors for comfort. I'm not cutting. I'm not self harming. It's for comfort. The idea that I know I can do so, risk everything if I wanted to but I don't and I have the strength to continue through the days. I'm a bit proud of myself for that... to know I can do it but to keep from doing it.



My nightmares are hellish. I barely sleep since a couple days after stopping the Prozac. It's stupid! I want to go back on it. I started feeling a little like myself and it was just ripped from me. What the hell is that? I mean, I had energy, I wanted to do things, I wanted to be places, and I wanted to get everything done. It didn't feel like chores. And I had to stop it?!



It's only the third day of the new medication. I'm hoping it works just as well. *sighs* I guess I have high hopes for it to "live up" to, huh?



I miss being able to go out with family and friends. I used to be super tight with my family. It's changed. Everything has changed. I miss my friends. Heck, I miss the ones who even backstabbed me in high school. I miss the ones who have died more than anyone.



My car is about to die. O_O I've had it since late 2005. Brett's ran it into the ground. He's done all the damage to it since my last accident with Courtney. The idea of junking my car, my first car, for money to get another car scares me. It's my connection to so much. Too many memories have unfolded in that car. My Tommy Car. ♥



I need to get started again on things. Later. Maybe I'll write more later. Brett's cutting grass. We have a very aggressive garter snake by Aurora's sandbox. It's going to meet it's death. It tried to come after her twice. I'm not dealing with it anymore. I usually won't kill them but this one won't leave her alone. He has class later.



Oh and our dog is pregnant. I'm pissed about it. We sent money in to reserve a spot but our money order was sent back because they were filled up. We need to get her fixed. I'm thinking of getting it taken care of before she has the puppies. *gulps* I don't believe in abortion except in certain cases in humans. I don't know if I could deal with the decision of the dog's pups. I'm torn. I don't want to go through the heartache of Aurora and puppies.



Ugh! Frustrations. More and more. Later. I'm out.

Brett and I were NOT meant to have sex tonight. HUGE spider fell on us from the ceiling. A wolf spider. It's Spring, we're going to be seeing them from time to time in the house again but gosh, that was freaky.



So not wanting sex anymore! O_O



Screw it! Just wasn't meant to happen again today, I guess. *shrugs* Goodnight! LMAO!



... Now if only I could quit feeling spiders crawling on me. Ekkk!

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Nicnic
06:32 Mar 25 2012

I had a shower with a big arse wolf spider the other night, actually. My eyes are shot, it was curled up in a ball, didn't think anything of it until it started unraveling to the size of my fucking hand...

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Prozac is NOT for me. At all. The past two days is what it took for me to get it straightened out too.



What's been going on is each night since the night of the 17/18 I've been having diarrhea. That first night it was a couple of loose stools. Each night after, it's been a little worse. Well the other night, I was to the bathroom from about 10 pm continuing throughout the day until about noon past 15 times. O_O My primary doctor wasn't in and won't be until next week, the doctor on call wasn't answering and is a distance away, the pharmacists were busy when I called both pharmacies, and my psychiatrist (the one who prescribed it) was out of office).



On Thursday, I finally got in touch with the pharmacists, they told me that I can take Imodium tablets because the liquid won't do me much good since drinks I've been drinking like Powerades had been going right through me.



We went to the store, I go to buy the Imodium tabs and have to ask because there's none on the shelf. The woman tells me that the Imodium plant burned down. O_O That's one hell of a thing to tell someone in my situation... it sounded like a bad excuse like the dog ate my homework and all I'm thinking is "the shit plant burned down?! What?" I'm frustrated ask where they keep any generics and thankful they have one. Heading out of the store, grabbed a Sprite to take two pills, and Aurora gotta go to the bathroom. Of course! It took forever. I'll leave that out.



Oh and she had to take a ratchet in the store with her. Go figure. Tell she's my stepdad's girl.



During the night between Thursday and Friday, I was less miserable. On Friday, my psychiatrist was in the office. ^_^ Awesome! The receptionist took notes. His nurse called, asked questions, took more notes, and told me she would catch him. Gee, thanks for the help. Meanwhile, I'm still visiting the bathroom occasionally, even tonight. It's the Prozac. It's gotta work it's way out of my system. But the nurse called back later in the evening, I'm no longer on Prozac, YIPPEE! and I'm going to be on a new medication for my depression.



I'm waiting until the diarrhea clears the hell up before I start it for sure. Clear up under my ribs hurt. However, the Prozac was working for my headaches, helping to control my urge to eat more, and starting to help with anxiety. I can't deal with the side effect. I'm dehydrated. My muscles are cramping but I'm starting to keep the water in my system again. =)



Now I'm going back to bed before I wake somebody up, especially Aurora.

I feel horrible when I want to admit something to myself fully but I just can't bring myself to do so. I know it's an insecurity. It has to be. But seriously, why can't I admit why the resemblance between them scares me?



Ugh! Just ugh! I used to be comfortable making myself uncomfortable. I knew I would grow from admitting, confronting, kicking, screaming, crying, working through, and healing from the things I have and would go through.



What has changed?



I'm such a wimp now! I can't even cope with the smell of Noxzema now. I won't even try! I hate when I'm awake by myself at night and busy myself. I won't write and think. I'm too scared to.



I don't want to live like this.



I want to live for my daughter. But not like this.

COMMENTS

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fyre
20:43 Mar 08 2012

You can't live for your daughter. If you do that then you will never grow or get better. You have to live for you...

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DireConsequences
20:51 Mar 08 2012

Oh shut the heck up, Brett!



You know how I've been feeling lately. You know some of my thoughts. You of all people know the messages between the lines more then the other people who will read the entries I write or should.



I don't want to specifically live for my daughter. I want to be alive for my daughter. Gosh, denseness. *glares*



No, I'm not suicidal. I just don't want to live like this.

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fyre
21:12 Mar 08 2012

Yeah I can read between the lines, but I can read between the lines of the lines!

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DireConsequences
21:17 Mar 08 2012

Message, if you think you've gotten it all figured out so neatly. =)

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fyre
21:19 Mar 08 2012

I havent gotten nothing figured out yet...

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DireConsequences
21:25 Mar 08 2012

Nothing should be anything. ^_^



Thought I would point that out since you're working on an English paper. *poke*

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fyre
21:30 Mar 08 2012

ANd you know I hate ENGLISH classes with a passion. Plus MOST english teachers that I have known should be shot....

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DireConsequences
21:36 Mar 08 2012

But not all, you should keep an open mind and you should definitely be happy to have the chance to be in class... Meanie.

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