Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
27 entries this month
21:36 Jun 30 2010
Times Read: 902
Someone please tell me how to curb the temper of a two (almost three) year old?! Please?
I just got hit in the side with an alligator while cleaning up where she decided to tear up a pull up.
How did she tear it up when I have been watching her?
Easy, I had to go to the bathroom.
Sorry, I'm defensive because it's what I always here from my sister and mother. "Why weren't you watching her?!"
But how do I try to help her get her temper under control?
I'm trying to get her to take a nap. She's in her room screaming and mad. I got the wind knocked out of me by the toy. I finished cleaning her room before lying her down, giving her the hippo, telling her a story, kissing her forehead, and telling her goodnight.
I just want the damn bruises to stop appearing on me from my daughter hitting me and everything else. Some people in the grocery store have actually asked me if it's Brett. Hell no! It's not him. He hasn't hit me accept for twice and it was me waking him up in the morning. He's left bruises on me before when grabbing my arm to keep me from falling but that's the only other real time he does.
Am I going to get phone calls telling me to come get her when she does get into school?
I remember when we were at Chris' house, his son took a toy away from Aurora and she pulled out a handful of his hair! He was bleeding some from the scalp!
She's even gone up to people in the store and smacked them for no reason at all!
Her doctor says it is normal behavior.
Bullcrap!
I don't see other two year olds hitting their mother with a toy and laughing because they're crying from the pain. She's even caused me to bleed from her hitting me with something or scratching me... and she laughs!
I can't get her checked by a psychiatrist until she's three years old. I don't really want to do so but it's to that point. I don't want her on medications! I know that changes in the diet can help control ADHD, bipolar, and several other things.
Brett has ADHD and I see so many of the symptoms in both of them! I'm not sure what is going on with her but I know I can't keep getting hit in my ribs, my back, or the backs of my legs.
We put her in timeout and explain to her why she's been punished. We tried taking away favorite toys and explaining it. We tried not letting her get her bedtime snack and telling her why. We reprimand her about things when they happen! I can't get her to stand still long enough to stand in a corner. And she won't sit on a step of the stairs for more than 30 seconds, even with me putting her back on the step and telling her what's going on and why.
What am I doing wrong?
Please, someone give me some advice? Let me know how you've handled it with your children or some kind of idea for me to try.
And rewards don't work! Stickers don't work either!
God, I think she may have finally laid down for a nap in the time it took for me to write this entry. I need to check. Hopefully I won't be cleaning up her room yet again.
03:34 Jun 30 2010
Times Read: 888
I don't know what's going on with me. I swear I've put on weight... I know it. I can feel it. But the Wii Fit board says I'm 250 lbs which means I've actually lost weight according to it.
Now as to whether I believe it or not? Yeah, no, I don't.
My legs.
My arms.
My tummy.
My chest.
They're all flabby. Heck even more so then before.
I can't keep doing this!
The past two months or so, I've been forgetting to eat and then overeating or eating a really big meal to make up for it.
I need to STOP!
Food is not going to heal me.
It's not my savior.
It doesn't love me.
It doesn't give me emotional support me in any way.
**************************************
On top of all of that... I need to get my ass in gear on homework, housework, bills, every-fuckin'-thing!
I don't know what kind of funk I'm in but dang it, I'm going to get out of it one way or another. I haven't even been talking to people that I WANT to talk to.
I do care but it seems like getting on here is just too much at times. I haven't been getting on messenger, any of them in forever now. I haven't even talked to Miss Frankie. *pouts* I miss talking to so many people at the moment... top people on my list... Frankie, Count, Heather, Rayne, Qu33n, Stephan, and hell, even Tony.
Those are the people I'm mostly missing. There's more that I haven't talked to in a god awful long time and worry about but yeah...
I don't know.
And something weird came up today. I swore I was 22 years old. And today, Brett corrected me that I'm 23 years old and not 22. It worries me because I lose track of time so much right now. I've been doing so since February. I keep thinking so many thoughts about things I needed to do with Courtney, but I plan them for the next day. Am I losing my mind completely?
Maybe I'll type more tomorrow. I don't know. Later.
14:38 Jun 29 2010
Times Read: 897
I'm upset at the moment. I fell while playing with Aurora and now I can barely put weight on my foot again. I sprained it on Friday... well, not me. I got the nerve to go where I couldn't reach the bottom of the pool with Brett because I wanted to learn to tread water. I was floating because it makes me feel safer since I'm terrified of water in the first place and as long as I know I can float, I'm more okay with it. So I was trying to keep my cool in the like 7-8 feet water while floating and Brett was near me... some girl freakin grabbed my feet and pulled me half way under. I couldn't stay calm. Brett came as soon as he could and was trying to calm me down. I knew I couldn't though so I said, "I'm scared. I'm scared." And he was getting me to the wall of the pool. Horrible thing is some girl pushed off the wall right into him when she was forward facing and saw him! He pushed me to the wall as much as he could and he was put under some from the chick.
Stupid people.
Anyway, I'm upset because Brett isn't online to calm me down. I'm not crying nor upset to a illogical point but I really wanted him to just tell me it's okay. Comfort.
I got Aurora to her room since she kind of jumped on my ankle after I fell. She's not listening at all this morning. She's beat up on my kitty, Shadow. She's thrown her drink everywhere. She even fought me on breakfast. In other words, she's in timeout.
I got back to my couch. It took me about ten minutes to do so. I took some Ibuprofen for the swelling and I'm going to have Brett wrap it when he comes home. He should be home anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour.
So I'm just going to try to concentrate on something. Some kind of distraction for the time being.
Everything is okay, even when it doesn't seem like it.
I feel horrible for not getting back to messages where I was having conversations with some people. I hope they aren't offended. I spent yesterday trying to get things done and I got most of it done. I may be able to reply later today. So yay!
Later.
11:59 Jun 25 2010
Times Read: 927
It is not going to work with the situation. If it does, I'll beat the living hell out of him for her. I feel close to her beyond belief. I never foresaw that way back when last year. I felt protective of her but nothing like what this year has brought.
No one told me, I guessed. It's not that hard... hell, not when people make it obvious that it's them. It seems as though you have to make people know who it is. I haven't talked to either party in a long while now... and I know.
Deal with what comes your way and move about your merry way.
=)
She and I both have done so and know it is possible. Heck, even before he had met her, I had dealt with this type of situation before. It's not her fault it happened and I don't hold it against her.
Get on with it.
And in no way is this meant to cause drama anywhere. I'll probably make this section of the entry private later on today or tomorrow after I get home.
**********************************
Heh, I've got a lot on my mind.
Bills, homework, family, people, friends, animals, appointments, personal issues, and so much more.
I haven't been on much. In that time, only one person has had a conversation with me... Tony. We've finally come to some sort of weird understanding. I don't know how to explain it or even if I should try. We both agree, we probably were never meant to be in a relationship, other then friendship, together.
But other people that I want to talk to are either not on when I am or if they're premie, probably lurking. I miss talking to people. I miss a few in specific. I'm hoping I don't have to name them for them to guess who they are... especially since they do mean a lot to me.
This week, I've been slacking a little on homework. On Sunday or Monday, my nephew is coming over. On Monday of this week, I was convinced to go on a boat ride thing. It was fun though. I got motion sick to heck and back.
... So NOT a water-Tiffy here!
Today, well let's just say, I'm being forced to go into a public place. I'm trying to "put my best face" on the situation. I know it'll be fun if I can relax. I've gotten used to my medications so I'm not getting dizzy all the time... well not as often. ROFL! I'm still pretty dizzy at specific times.
*sighs* My nephew isn't going to be "up here" in this area all summer and so I'm getting in a depressive mood. When I'm around him or know he's up here, I feel all around better. It's going to suck when he goes home.
=(
My Grandma's birthday was on the 22nd of this month.
I'm okay with it. She was over 70 years old. She lived a long life and I know she saw her fair share of changes of the world. I miss her insanely but I know she needs that rest... that well deserved rest! I'm dealing with it... I'm COPING with her death.
I'm not sure how it's going to hit on August 21st. It's the day she passed away and Courtney's birthday. Everything is going to seem worse that day and I already know that.
I'm not sure if I'm getting better with anxiety and depression... or just "growing up" and learning to deal some. I'm hoping in a couple of months, my psychiatrist can tell me to contact the social security office to tell them there's a great change in my condition.
I'll love that day! Trust me.
Close people to me see the changes... if I would write more in here, people not so close to me could see the changes too.
I'm not crazy, insane, nor condemned.
I'm just me.
I'm struggling with myself and situations presented to me. But I've never really learned to cope with happenings in my life. I'm 22 years old and I'm learning how to heal and cope from trauma, loss, and death. Heck, I guess I should be saying, I'm 22 years old and I'm learning HEALTHY ways to heal and cope from trauma, loss, and death.
I'm going to struggle.
But I'm tired of running. I'm tired of not feeling like myself and questioning who I even am.
I'm going to write more later on today or tomorrow when I can. I have chores to get done when I do get back, along with homework... and a castle to build with someone who isn't yet three years old.
=)
I'm proud of her. She's getting to be a big girl! ♥
Later!
00:59 Jun 24 2010
Times Read: 935
Today has been a beyond stressful day. Aurora choked the kitten. Brett had class. The electric went off twice. I wasn't able to concentrate on my homework at all. Aurora would not calm down and ended up in time out a lot. I got some things done but not a lot.
... And I thought I was going crazy until I talked to my mom.
We don't have cable. We have two televisions but we don't have any kind of cable service. And hooking the television to the outlet on the wall doesn't work either.
Well, until my mom called, I didn't know about the earthquake in Canada and believe I had completely finally lost my mind.
Aurora was in time out. I was cleaning up a hamster cage at the sink in the kitchen so the water was running. All of a sudden, the water like gurgled kind of like there was a water break somewhere and the apartment shook for about 30 seconds. It was strong enough to case the plates to rattle some in the cabinet and for me to become unstable.
I thought I was losing it. I live in Ohio. Hell, I don't even live in the Northern part of Ohio... we DON'T have earthquakes here, damn it. We just don't.
When I ran upstairs to check on Aurora, she was hiding in the corner of her room towards her closet with her mattress off her bed and placed over herself crying.
And then after I calmed her down, Brett got home, more storms came. She's not usually scared of thunderstorms... but she was terrified this evening. She started screaming. The cats were even scared. One of them ran to the bathroom to hide in the corner and when I went to see if it was okay, it pissed itself from another clap of thunder.
Now it is sunny outside and you would never guess everything happened. It just looks like we had a gentle shower.
Heh... got to love that!
Here's the link to the local news about the tremors.
I'm glad I completed what I did. This day has been shitty and insane in almost every way.
I'm proud of myself for keeping my wits about me, even though I admit I wanted to curl up in a corner, bawl my eyes out, and hide from everything. I did good for the most part. Aurora could tell I was unsure when I checked on her after the tremor but I guess that's understandable considering where the hell I live and things. We don't feel this kind of crap!
I can't wait for my bedtime! ♥ I just want to crash and let this day melt the fuck away!
21:56 Jun 22 2010
Times Read: 948
I found out yesterday, I'm not meant for water. No cruises for me later in life. LOL!
I might be losing my internet some time soon. I don't know.
I'm stressed with stressful stress.
And now? Now, I'm going to get some more homework completed. Later.
16:18 Jun 21 2010
Times Read: 959
I haven't had time in a while to get on here or write. I've been trying to do everything and more that people expect of me and I expect of myself. It's not working and last night I forgot to bring in about $10 worth of groceries that were perishable. I'm about to cry and I know it's not worth crying over. Hell, more then that has been wasted in our midst over the past three years. I completely forgot about the butter, cheese, and whatnot.
Yeah, we got our card in the mail. I still haven't found the old one.
On Friday, we went to a local camp area for my nephew and Aurora to swim and play. It was funny to see two girls under the age of six try to pick up Brett... and disturbing. The one girl who was five years old was using her mom as a pick up "advantage"... what the hell?
Today we're going with my mom, stepdad, and my nephew to a steamboat thing. It's 90 minutes long. *sighs* I can do this, damn it.
Brett's doing better. Or so it seems to me anyway. He's upset from not being able to control his emotions or know exactly where they're coming from. But what he doesn't see is he kept everything bottled up for the past two years or so and couldn't it just be coming to the surface now? I don't know. It's just my observations. I love him no matter what.
I need to call my psychiatrist and get rescheduled because of his classes starting this week. God, this quarter is going to be insane on both me and him. My first week went good enough at least. My professors seem alright enough so far and things. I don't like the textbook for Criminal Law but that's understandable.
I will admit, I am getting tired of fighting Brett for over two hours almost every morning just to get him to take his medication. It wouldn't be so bad if he would actually go to bed when he's supposed to but that rarely happens anymore.
I need to get ready and get done. I haven't been sleeping well at all. My nerves are on edge so to speak. I feel like I'm losing my mind at times. My medicines are still working for me better then the other and I'm happy about that. I'm unsure about my sleep patterns though. I keep having horrible dreams about zombies, humans being hunted, and betrayal of people close to whoever I am in the dreams. It's insane. I've woken up so many nights now crying. I think the dream about people hunting people was the most upsetting since there were children among the ones being hunted. I don't know what has started all of this up.
Anyway, I'll try to write more later on sometime but it probably won't be today. Once I get home from the boat thing, I have to get started on homework, cleaning and figuring things out. I can do this, I have no choice but to bite the bullet and carry on.
18:20 Jun 17 2010
Times Read: 980
Got to love life's humor!
I may not be on for a little while because of things coming up. I have too much to get done and not enough time to do it in.
I feel like I'm trapped and losing my mind.
I'll be fine. Just have to breath!
Later.
11:43 Jun 15 2010
Times Read: 990
Today is going to be a nightmare and a half to try to get everything I need and want to get done. I have some high expectations this morning! I know I can meet them if I stick with it and Brett doesn't give me a fight to get up.
*sighs* Fighting with him to get him up and him to take his medicines is really discouraging.
I'm going ahead and making him a list to get done hopefully this morning because I have more for him to do.
I have too much to do. LOL! I started classes yesterday. Woot!
And yesterday evening was the last time I puked... I'm hoping I'm going to be able to keep food down today. Grr!
As for Aurora, she threw up a little bit last night. So yeah... I'm hoping we don't keep passing this virus or whatever it is back and forth between us.
But yeah, going to finish my list for him and then start on my mental list for me.
The good news... I didn't wake up until like 4:44 this morning. That's late considering I've been waking up between 3 and 3:30 am. Ugh! Dang early mornings!
About midday today, I'll find out who won the contest in my club on SPP! and post if I won or not. I'm not sure if I will. LOL! I can hope, right?
22:10 Jun 13 2010
Times Read: 1,003
After having a horrible time early this morning dealing with thoughts on my mind... I wrote the two journal entries below. Once Brett woke up, he had me take an allergy pill because of me breaking out from my nerves and not sleeping enough.
This evening, I've spent some time on something on my SPP! account. It's not much but it's my first attempt at ever doing one of these types of habitats and I think it's pretty good. So about two hours total on it and a little over 7,000 coins later... this is what I came up with:
The theme given by the club I'm in was ghosts and I'm entering it in the contest. Woot!
12:20 Jun 13 2010
Times Read: 1,016
Now, what has been bothering me for days now? My nightmares. From what I've written in my journal previously, people can go ahead and assume it's about Courtney. She is and always will be my best friend and it doesn't matter she's gone. But I can't comprehend the fact that she's really gone no matter how I try to face the fact. She's one of the few people that have stuck through everything with me and we instantly hit it off on our friendship. We were always there for each other... up until my generalized anxiety disorder getting so horrible and gaining control of my life.
I let her down.
I let myself down.
I wasn't there when she needed me. I feel guilty about it and felt so even when it was happening. Hell, I can't even face myself some days because of it.
No matter how hard I tried to get over my anxiety, I couldn't be there for her the way she deserved.
I know she deserved better and I'm ashamed of what she got from me! I hate myself for it!
And even though I know she wouldn't want me to dwell on it and let it eat me alive, I can't help it. She has always been the best friend and the most compassionate person towards me. And I couldn't even go visit her to hold her as she cried when her fears got so bad.
I miss her so much.
I keep waiting for a phone call from her asking me where the hell I've been and why haven't I stopped by to see her.
She tried to understand what I was going through but she did get upset with me. Hell, it was always with good reason. I never treated her badly or disrespected her... but she believed I avoided her after I had Aurora.
In some sense of the belief, I had. I couldn't cope with people most of the time. Even though she was my best friend in world and we were so close, I couldn't get over my own fears.
She was one of the greatest people I've known.
She always faced her fears. She always got the better of them... yeah, she had her moments where the world seemed to end but she came out of it better than ever.
When she became blind, she didn't know how to handle it for the longest time. I remember our talks about the desire to see the stars one last time, to see her reflection in a mirror, to see the faces of her brother and mom again, and to me laugh again.
She always gave her all to people even when they didn't deserve it. Jared, the man she was in love with, has even had to admit, she deserved better.
Most of her life, I've seen most people treat her like crap and it wasn't right. She went through so much and I believe she was a miracle in so many ways.
These two pictures were from one of the last "real" times we spent time together. It was May 6th, 2008.
Yeah, of course I spent some time with her since that date... but not of going out. I went to see her in the hospital in Columbus, OH when she was admitted. I went to see her twice when she came home.
... But in December, I wasn't allowed around her. The last time I saw her was in November.
She passed away on February 7th, 2010.
I had tried getting in contact with her on MySpace but I didn't know she had taken a turn for the worse. I didn't have her number when it went off our phone in December.
I thought she was mad at me. I thought she hated me.
The night she died, they tried calling me with the old number she had. I had been trying to get in contact with her on MySpace to give her my new number. They couldn't get me.
She died with friends around her... but not me.
I needed to be there and I know it.
She needed me. I let her down horribly.
I can't face that she's gone. I love her too much to let her go.
Here's some pictures of the past of the most beautiful woman I've ever known inside and out.
Amanda, Courtney and me in 2005. We were always together. Inseparable.
Courtney when she got her learner's permit. Right before she went blind.
Courtney in March 2009.
And now for her final resting place...
The urn is beautiful. I just can't believe she's gone. Her room is a memorial but I haven't been at her house since the get-together after her memorial service on February 14th, 2010.
Her MySpace page is being left up as a memorial to her too. We, her friends, are supposed to keep it alive. But it's like no one can make the first change.
Me...
I feel like she would hate any change I made to her page. I feel as though she wouldn't approve of any of what I would have to say... or even this entry. I doubt myself in every way.
I want to make a memorial habitat on SPP! for her but I fear she would hate it.
I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself.
I'm sorry, Courtney. I'm sorry for so much. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I love you. I hope and pray you don't hate me.
*********************************
I originally wrote this all at the end of the entry below... but I felt it really deserved it's own entry.
12:18 Jun 13 2010
Times Read: 1,017
Things are starting to look up some.
=)
Brett and I were talking a lot in the evening and it was pretty much productive. It's in the safety zone of us both right now... the computer and internet. That way we can get out what we want/need to say without assumptions or really awkward silences and a lot less frustration with the other. *nods* If it works for us, we need to keep it up.
I'm hoping to get on the Wii today. Heh, I'm hoping to do a lot of things today. I've been awake since 3:30 am. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I took two pills of my sleep medicine last night and I only got roughly three-four hours of sleep... if that.
I...
want...
sleep!
I didn't have dreams as bad as I've been having them. But they were still there and waking up with a thunderstorm going on outside, didn't help since I'm terrified of them.
I've been listening to music again. God, I've missed zoning on the words and beat so much and I'm happy to have a little bit of time to listen to it again. I'm making the time and damn it, I'm going to keep on making it.
I haven't been able to read the past three or four days. I cannot concentrate enough to follow the words. I'm upset about it. Same thing goes for video games too... although I don't play many of them or spend tons of time on 'em.
I do want to start making time for my handwritten journal again... I miss getting thoughts out in it. I'm about three/fourth of the way through the notebook. I really need to start it up. It'll make things look better and me a lot more patient with life.
Oh, Brett is almost of level to be inducted into my coven! Woot! I miss him in there and so does everyone else who knows him! I'm happy about it.
I'm also getting more trusting about the "giving out powers" thing. I think it's more the people than the issue of being more trusting. Frankie, Count, Matt, Heather, and Qu33n have been there for me through so much crap... they deserve the positions! So yay!
02:33 Jun 13 2010
Times Read: 1,025
Am I doomed to repeat things over and over again?
How can I fuckin' end this?
09:13 Jun 12 2010
Times Read: 1,036
I've been an introvert lately while trying to find that card and dealing with other things. Both Aurora and I were sick today and I had to scrub the carpet of her room twice. Brett's been trying to take care of us both as much as possible. It's kind of cute.
I feel like shit though. For the past three or four days, I've been waking up between two to five-thirty in the morning feeling compelled to get on here. I feel almost like I'm having an anxiety attack for some odd reason and I don't like it. So what do I do? I finally give in to logging on, avoid everything as much as possible, post in my coven here and there, and then rate some profiles or database entries or go to *SPP!* (Superpoke Pets).
Brett is now doing somewhat better. It took two and a half hours for him to get up yesterday morning. *sighs* It's getting really frustrating. He still hasn't been hearing me at times but he's getting better again. I haven't really seen enough concerning his memory to make any kind of call there. We got really pissed at each other in the morning though and I'm not even sure why... other than him fighting me on taking his medicine and getting up.
I'm looking forward to starting my classes on Monday. As horrible as it kind of sounds, I miss reading the texts and something to do.
I'm upset about having to get rid of the kitten again. It hasn't had any kind of seizure or anything else. So odds are from what the animal hospital said and what I've looked up online, that it was probably something it got in to. Especially with people poisoning cats around our area... stupid people.
I still feel like crap. But now that I've had them issue another card, I'm feeling somewhat better. Trying to find it everywhere has been a huge flippin' stress. Seven to ten days for it to get here... and our old one has been canceled as soon as I called. *nods* Watch! Now that the stress of trying to find it is gone, I'll probably find it in the next few days or Aurora will bring it out of whatever hiding spot she's found. Just watch!
I have a lot I need to do today but I don't feel like I can go back to sleep even though I'm tired as all hell. I do feel horrible about not being able to talk to everyone that I want to get in a conversation with... and there's no excuses. I've just been busy or held up with other things.
I'll admit my addiction of Gaia, SPP! and somewhat social city.
The most time I spend on any of them is SPP! and that's from visiting other people's pets and shopping. I spent about an hour and a half on there today throughout the day of course.
I had a really upsetting dream yesterday night. It was a whole conspiracy concerning Courtney's death. There was this psychotic bus driver woman that was holding me captive... and by the end, I was killed by drowning in a bus that she held me captive in.
... I can't remember all the details now. But I remember she intercepted my call to 911. Also I called Brett and was speaking some code that we made up when we were bored (in the dream of course)...
"Frogger, frogger, froggy, hop, camel, camel, camel, flop."
... That's all I can really remember of it, other then there being something about a bunny, squirrel, and some other animals. I have no clue though!
I know I kept waking up crying from it. Every time I went back to sleep the dream would pick back up though. It was like I couldn't escape it.
I remember one part of it, there was a video and Courtney was in it. I can't remember how she worded it but she was telling her one friend she had cancer while eating in the mall some place. She said, "There living and dying, one just means more suffering. I have cancer so I'll die."
... Definitely not like my Courtney. It got to me though. In the dream and afterward. That's never been like her. She wouldn't give up, and when she did, it wasn't for long!
The night of her death, she woke her mom up to tell her she wasn't going to make it through the night. But that's accepting it and having self-awareness. Or in my eyes, it is. It's like I swear my dad knew he was going to die and I have always felt he chose what day to go. He made sure my mom and me were not there. He even went as far as struggling to my room to check that I didn't stay home. That's where my mom found his cane and had left it.
But yeah, I think it is acceptance and self-awareness. Not giving up so to speak but understanding it's time.
God, I'm rambling. I'm crying. I need to either read or at least try to go back to sleep.
Who knows, maybe I won't dream! That would be a blessing at the moment...
21:17 Jun 10 2010
Times Read: 1,045
Is it bad that I'm happy Brett and Aurora went over to my mom's house to spend time with my nephew again?
I'm not trying to avoid my nephew by any means. I love him so much...
But with Brett and Aurora gone for a couple of hours, I'm able to look for the card and clean without worrying about what she's getting into or if he's forgotten to do something.
*sighs* I feel bad for feeling better about them both not being here but my nerves are wearing thin with everything going on.
I still feel like crap and like I'm losing my mind. Maybe I'm more or less picking up on some of the things Brett's feeling... maybe not. I don't know. I don't know what's going on with him or with myself. I don't like this at all. We were all doing so good and changing, well adapting to the changing situations. And then... BOOM! He lost his footing first and now I'm slipping while trying to pull him back to his feet.
This sucks.
... Going to look some more. I hope I find that damn card. I really do.
15:16 Jun 10 2010
Times Read: 1,049
I feel like I'm crashing and burning. At least I have a little time to catch my breath.
I was told to keep searching today for the card because we can only get three issued. This would be our second issuance. But if I can't find it by tomorrow at eleven in the morning, I'm calling to report it lost.
I'm looking in Aurora's books, under everything, in toys, in DVD cases, shelves, drawers, and every damn nook and cranny. Hell, I'm only gone through about half of Aurora's books.
This is turning into a long as hell day for me. Brett's doing his finals and at the moment, Aurora's in time out for kicking Shadow for walking between her and her toy. *sighs* Temper, temper, temper. At least the kitty is okay but she did mean to hurt her. Poor Shadow won't ever defend herself either.
I'm getting back to looking. I'm having a bad set of days and feel like I'm losing my mind. I've cried here and there but I'm not as bad as I would have been if my medicines weren't switched. Even though I was scared to death to talk to my psychiatrist about it, I'm so freakin' glad I did since it is working better for me.
03:11 Jun 10 2010
Times Read: 1,060
I'm upset, really upset. Let's just leave it at that.
And it has nothing to really do with Brett either.
I just... I hate how some things are.
That's enough said there.
18:27 Jun 09 2010
Times Read: 1,067
Skids is back home. He went to the vet yesterday to get fixed. We're definitely not sure if we could deal with getting rid of his Skider-butt. We were only without him for 24 hours but it was awful in the extreme sense of the word.
I'm getting ready to start cleaning again. Blah. I don't really care to do anything today. It's all gloomy outside and it makes me feel like I should be hiding under my blanket sleeping or reading a book.
There's so much I need to get done though and I'm not sure everything will be completed in the time I want it to be.
And Aurora lost one of my cards out of my wallet. Major stresser right now. We back tracked through Wal-mart, K-mart, the place we ate lunch at, and Kroger Co. grocery store. *sighs* I may have to cancel it and get a new one coming in. I can't wait too long though. It will take about nine days.
... Just to clear it up, it's our food stamp card.
We have food. If I need help in the time waiting, I know I can ask family, neighbors, and friends to help a little bit. But I want my card back.
I'm hoping it is here in our apartment in her toy boxes, a drawer, on a bookshelf, under something... etc, etc, etc.
I am not looking forward to this search that I started last night.
Either I'll find it or I'll call them and get another one started in the process of getting its butt here.
... Going to clean. =)
21:42 Jun 07 2010
Times Read: 1,080
Brett and Aurora left. They went over to my mom's to spend time with my nephew. I'm here by myself.
No biggie. I can call if I need Brett and whatnot. I know that.
This will give me some time to do things without a two and a half year old and a twenty-three year old getting in my way. LOL!
I've been letting the kitten roam free through the apartment since yesterday. I did have it in two rooms so I could keep an eye on it. No seizures and the animal hospital, when called, said the kitten could have gotten into something outside that needed to work out of its system.
... The kitten was dropped off here by the people we gave it to. I'm beyond upset about it.
But the kitten is doing great. It's able to control it's bladder, focus its eyes, hear just fine, walk, meow, eat, drink, and play just fine.
Ma-ma isn't taking to it so nicely. Shadow, well it's her kitten. She's mad it wants to try to breastfeed. And Skids, well, he's jealous. It is a male and he sees it as competition.
Aurora doesn't know it's here. I don't care for days of her asking about it again. This kitten was her favorite out of three.
But yeah, it's roaming the apartment during Aurora's nap time and after she's put to bed until morning.
As for what I'm doing now...
Well, I'm spending most of the time cleaning. Clothes need to be done (sort, wash, dry, fold/hang up). I'm doing some of the dishes so Brett won't have to worry about it. Putting groceries away from Saturday that seem to be staring at me wondering where their "rightful" home is at. And maybe, just maybe, vacuum the stairs to see to it there's no bunches of cat fur or dirt there. *nods* I hate cat fur that hides in the corners.
But they're probably going to be gone for a couple of hours so I'm sure my list will keep me busy.
Of course, between things... I'm going to allow myself time on here or a little bit of reading time. *smiles* Motivation will make me go faster on it all and spike up my determination. Woot!
Oh, I know what I have next quarter for sure now. I have:
State and Local Government.
Criminal Law.
Information Security Fundamentals.
I'm upset I have to retake State and Local Government but I know I failed it when I took it the Winter quarter. I won't use excuses. I know a lot was happening at that time but it's no excuse for how bad I slacked the last three weeks. Depression or not, it shouldn't have happened. I received a low D in the course and talked to my adviser about retaking it. The previous grade will stay put but I will have another grade to offset it.
I don't know for sure what my grades are for the quarter that just finished up (Spring). I think they're going to be two Cs and one B. I'm not entirely sure. I bounced back after being sick and everything. I'm happy for that and I'm fully happy with the grades even though I know I could have done better.
I'm getting off of here for now.
=)
♥
12:39 Jun 07 2010
Times Read: 1,090
Oh, I am back with a vengeance! Yay!
Since last night, I've posted 16 times in my coven forum and been actually getting time to read my book!
Wooty fuckin' woot woot!
My classes are down for a week...
But, I still have things that have to get done. Including:
-Preparing for my next quarter.
-Three appointments this week.
-Getting paperwork and documents ready to send into our caseworker.
-Figure out the bills. Yuck!
-Try to plan some things for this summer with Aurora and my nephew (if he will be up here during that time).
-Figure out Brett's schedule with him.
-Figure out the situation for fall.
But even with all of that... I still will have time to myself! I'm happy! LOL!
So right now, Aurora and Brett are still asleep. I'm waking them up at 8:30 if they don't wake up before then. Both of them were up late last night.
My nephew's birthday party was fun. Aurora had a blast. But she was afraid of Tyler's cousins (three little girls ages 5, 4 , and almost 3). She became upset about needing to take turns on the slide and whatnot. We need to work on that!
My morning so far has been pleasant. I'm going to clean for a bit after waking everybody up and getting breakfast in them. I've been wondering around VR and reading most of this morning so far. I'm definitely happy for the quiet, peaceful time before anyone wakes up. *nods*
It's Tiffy time. Something I don't get all too often from everything being hectic. At least I'm trying to work on that... on making things not so hectic and stressful that is.
Getting back to my book...
05:31 Jun 06 2010
Times Read: 1,102
Sleepy, sleepy, sleep, sleep, SLEEP!
I'm tired. It's past midnight. I wrapped up what I was doing.
I have a lot to get done "tomorrow." *sighs* I've been a bad Tiffy...
I have a collective lab assignment, at least two writing assignments, and my final to complete "tomorrow" at some point in the day.
My nephew's birthday party is "tomorrow" too.
Reason why I'm saying "tomorrow" like I am? Because it hasn't registered in my mind it's now today.
Night... flippin' night.
03:07 Jun 04 2010
Times Read: 1,118
Today is just not my day.
Aurora was insanely grumpy and played in feces. Yuck!
The kitten started to seizure this morning.
I fell and hit my head on the coffee table.
Brett was a pain to get up which started off the whole day... *nods*
And to top it all off...
I killed my back tonight by having sex, well a great fuck, doggy-style on the couch and hitting my head off the arm of the couch! I cracked my curvature and my neck. It's swelling and still swelling.
... Other than it hurting like hell, my lips and cheeks feeling fake (weird as hell feeling), and it hurting to move my head... I'm okay.
We're keeping an eye on it.
At least I got action! LOL! My Brett Brett broke me! ROFL! He even admitted to it!
14:38 Jun 03 2010
Times Read: 1,126
The newest drama of my life won't be reported here. Otherwise, I would have stated below what was going on if I intended to do so. It's nothing big but it's still not something I want to do.
Choose your battles wisely. Well, this one isn't wise but it isn't completely ridiculous either.
Brett and I have been discussing a lot of things though. I'm not sure what's going to be going on there. He's got no "go-go juice" behind his steps although, he once had in the past month. I don't know what's going on there but we're working on the problem together.
The biggest stress on me right now is the kitten I've adored since it was born is having seizures. I've managed to get her to breathe again each time she stops during them. I'm scared to sleep or do anything though. If it keeps up, we're going to possibly put her down. She cries out so much after them. She's playful and carefree between them though. She's had three that we know about. She's eating, drinking, going to the bathroom, playing, and everything else a normal kitten does. I'm just not sure what to do.
I love her lots. I hate how attached I've become to a kitten I've never named.
Gotta go.
19:39 Jun 02 2010
Times Read: 1,140
I hate what I'm about to do, but someone needs to do it and I'm the only one to do so I guess.
*sighs* Another battle for a day to come... I just hope I'm prepared.
PRIVATE ENTRY
11:23 Jun 02 2010
Times Read: 1,143
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
14:48 Jun 01 2010
Times Read: 1,153
Five long lesson presentations and about 100 pages of reading later...
Brett's about to be on his way home.
Yay?
Damn appointment and crap that needs to get done. *sighs* I can do this.
12:27 Jun 01 2010
Times Read: 1,154
Yesterday wasn't so bad. I guess my stepdad didn't invite other people until a few hours before... *shrugs* I called my mom out on me thinking she tried to trick me. I gave her a chance to explain.
... For those out of the loop, I was under the impression yesterday's celebration was only going to be my mom, my stepdad, Brett, Aurora and me. And I wasn't told until about an hour before we went over. It was my mom's statement that got to me more than anything though. "Well you already said you're coming so don't try backing out of it now!" It just struck a nerve of irritation.
I ended up getting sick a couple of times because of my anxiety. It was okay though.
Anyway, it's seven in the morning here. There's a lot we got to get done today. Brett has to miss two of his classes today for an appointment we have to make. I'm not looking forward to it... at all.
But at least we hopefully won't be there long.
After the appointment, Brett has to schedule his Summer classes, we have to go to Wal-mart to get the correct filters for Mister Fishy, to Goodwill to see if they have some stuff we're looking for, to a place called Sibs (if they're open today), and then to the unemployment office for Brett to hand papers in.
*sighs* Long day out. I wanna hide under my baby blanket.
Oh my god, no one touches me on my baby blanket! Ever! Don't fondle me or tease. Nothing sexual! Damn it... that blanket has "magical powers" to protect me from everything sexual!
... Yet, Brett and I had sex on my baby blanket. It was unintended. He's sorry. He had put it back on my couch where I had it on the floor.
Yes, I still have my baby blanket.
I'm 22 years old and still have my baby blanket. Bite me!
I have a past and it's the one constant thing. No one can take my blanket away. I still hide under it when I have flashbacks and can think enough to get it. I hide under it at night when I have nightmares or wake up from one. It's my protection from the "bad people."
God, I probably sound pathetic. I don't care.
I'm working on my homework. I'm leaving Aurora sleep in a little since she was up even at like two this morning and later. I'm going to get as much done as possible before Brett gets home to get us to go to our appointment.
*yawns* That boy needs to quit staying up all night. He's waking me up by being up. LOL! Damn paranoia.
My trust in him is coming back. I'm so glad. I seduced him one day. I don't feel ashamed of it either. Usually when I try to take control or initiate anything sexual, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. It was a first.
I was even on top, for one of the few times willingly. The only person that can vouch for my fear of being on top on here is Brett and Tony.
I'm going to beat Tony over the head, damn it. Last night he called in the middle of the night. He would have gotten an earful from Brett if he could find the telephone. *sighs* He knows we put Aurora to bed at about 8:30 pm.
And no, Brett doesn't care that I'm talking to Tony. He doesn't mind it and the only reason he'll ask me to stop is if he notices it effecting me in bad ways. It doesn't. I worry about him, just like everyone else from my past. I still worry about my ex before Brett... Tommy.
If I wasn't dizzy right now, I would be dancing around the living room. Nothing like dancing around making a fool of oneself. LOL!
Miss Frankie needs to be online sometime for me to talk to. Grrness. I love you! Like I said in my MSN message to you, you're my rock. Hell, sometimes you don't even know it, Franks. If you're not online and things... I listen to that song you sent me. You calm me down. *nods* I love and miss you!
Going to do homework now... I need to get it done. This wasn't supposed to be this long. I guess I needed to rant about nothing much... like always!
COMMENTS
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Bijou
21:49 Jun 30 2010
Wel to keep Trillian from tearing up the rst of the apartment I put a very sturdy child gate across her door so she is jus contained to her room...which is nice and spacious..this way i stay out of the line of fire and only have her room to clean...about the temper its called the terrible twos...then the helpful threes..this is were they want to help with everything
XxNephthysxX
22:42 Jun 30 2010
If she laughs, you have to not respond to it, because clearly she wants a reaction out of you.
It you were less easily-bruised I would suggest you to just put her back on the step. Don't talk, no recognition, no eye-contact.
Once you explain why they're there you should NOT have to repeat yourself.
If you find she treats it like a game, get down on her level, and use the sternest voice you can. After that, ignore any attention-seeking - she should get bored and realise that that isn't the way to get what she wants.
I know I'm not a parent but I just thought I'd try to help since you seem to be having such a hard time - let me know how things go sweetie!
♥