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12 entries this month
12:36 Jun 30 2009
Times Read: 944
This week I have about double the course load, if not more. I've already gotten most of it done though. That way if something happens, I'm not trying to concentrate on homework. It's also going to let me go spend more time with my Grandma.
Brett's already left for his classes about 6:45 a.m. and I'm already starting to go stir crazy. I'm jumping at the littlest of things. He's not going to be back home until about 5 or 6 tonight.
If I can make it through today without having a bad anxiety attack, I'll be proud of myself.
We're also seeing about getting Aurora enrolled in a day care at the college so she can play with other little kids and they will help us potty train her. She's fighting us all the way there!
The above picture was from last Monday when my Grandma's birthday was. She was sleepy and missed her nap.
Oh and the kitty in the picture, she tried stealing it from the college book store!
My Grandmama21:25 Jun 28 2009
Times Read: 957
Her birthday was last Monday. She's 76 years old now. And as anyone who reads my journal knows, she's dying of cancer. It's clear throughout her chest and on her face right underneath the skin. They can't do anything for her since it's in both of her lungs. She just wants to go.
I think I've accepted this as much as I possibly can. I know she's going to be leaving us in this world. I've explained it to my eight year old nephew and also tried explaining it to my twenty month old daughter. They know she's going to be going away.
I wrote in a journal entry before this one somewhere down the screen that I was going to make voice recording of my Grandma. It was just supposed to be a message for Aurora and Tyler. It ended up being one for Aurora, Tyler, my Uncle Tommy, and myself.
I'm going to put Aurora's and Tyler's into stuffed animals for them. That way when they want to talk to her, they can pretend the stuffed animal is her. I know how that is. I'm thinking of getting myself one too.
I can deal though. No one else can take away her voice recording from me, the pictures I have taken, the memories I have been trying to write down or the song I wrote for her.
They are mine to keep.
No one else.
I will share them with family of course and friends. But I have possession of them.
Mine!
I know I'm being selfish but I don't have anything from my Grandpapa or my Aunt Val. I have no recording of my daddy... only a few pictures here and there.
I want something to hold on to with my Grandma.
The above picture is of my Grandmama on her birthday.
No matter how much my Grandma and I talk about her passing... it still brings tears to my eyes. I don't think those tears are going to disappear.
01:17 Jun 28 2009
Times Read: 970
Brett and I haven't had sex like THAT since Nashville.
My body hurts. I have bruises. I feel so fuckin' good!
02:21 Jun 27 2009
Times Read: 978
I just gave Brett a mohawk.
I think I did pretty fuckin' good considering the hack job he did to his hair right before!
I ♥ my Brett Brett!
04:59 Jun 26 2009
Times Read: 988
I just realized it's almost midnight here! I can't believe I missed my pills and my bedtime because of VR.
Reminds me of old times!
Thanks Cancer for all the new updates! I'm lost in everything again... I'm pretty sure!
16:16 Jun 25 2009
Times Read: 997
I feel so lost right now. I think death is harder to deal with when you know it's coming. My grandma when admitted to the emergency room only weighed 94 pounds. It's a little over a week later and she's only 77.8 pounds now. It's really hard to see her wasting away to nothing as every day passes by. She reassures me not to cry when she sees me. But why wouldn't I? Doesn't she understand how much I'm going to miss her? How much I'm going to want to call just to talk to her about something silly? I know I sound selfish, and I think I am but still... I don't know what I'm going to do.
I've been in hysterics so many times since finding out. I'm scared to death of the phone when my mom calls. I fear those words... "Grandma passed away."
I'm trying to deal with this. I'm trying to logic everything out. She's 76 years old for god's sake. She's lived her life and wants to go now. Am I that selfish not to let her go in peace?
I don't even know how I'm going to make it through her funeral or burial when the time comes.
01:24 Jun 25 2009
Times Read: 1,005
When she dies, I'll be damned if she's quiet.
It always gets to me when I can't remember what my dad's voice sounded like. I'm not going to let that happen with my Grandma. I was thinking last night and forgot about the idea I had but I remember it today and started crying.
I just talked to my mom and Grandma about it. Of course I started crying yet again. They both think it's a good idea.
I want to take Brett's laptop and my headset down to my mom's in the next couple of days. I know it's not going to be long before my Grandmama dies and I want to do something for Aurora and Tyler.
I want her to make personalized messages for them. Just for them. And when we get the money, I want to put the messages in a Build-A-Bear stuffed animal for them both.
I don't even care about myself, I just want to make sure Tyler and Aurora have something to remember Grandma by.
That's all I care about...
21:11 Jun 23 2009
Times Read: 1,010
I don't think my Grandma is going to be around the three months we predicted. Yesterday was her 76th birthday and she got out of bed for a few minutes and ended up doubled over puking. She's alert at least, even though she didn't realize some people have come to see her. I came home and I broke down. I started going into hysterics that I needed to get out of my system. I don't want to lose my Grandma but like my mom asked me... "Do you want her to suffer like your father or would you rather let her go?"
I would rather see her go tomorrow if it saved her from going through the misery my daddy did.
I love you, Grandmama. I'm so sorry I cry even when you tell me not to.
16:29 Jun 17 2009
Times Read: 1,037
Aurora's teeth are bothering her badly today. She's not even wanting any attention from me for the most part. She won't even eat in front of me right now. Every time I check in on her (I have the babygate up to her room so she can play and since she doesn't want to be near me) she starts to fuss and scream again.
Brett left about twenty minutes ago. He's not going to be home until at least two o'clock this evening.
I guess this is kind of a test for me since he's going to be starting college next week. *sighs* I wanted to go with him today while we got everything done but I'm light-headed from a bad ear infection.
Since he's taking the placement test, he couldn't take Aurora. I'm ashamed to say that I've been scared for the past couple of weeks to be alone in the apartment with her. It's because I'm so scared of doing something wrong, making a mistake, or something happening I'm not prepared for.
I seriously think my thoughts are getting the best of me with everything.
I actually got some sleep last night and I'm starting to realize that as the day goes on, situations are settling into reality for me. My Grandmama, the responsibilities that have been placed on my mom, me in college online, Brett going to be leaving me so he can go to class, and me going to be left with Aurora for multiple days of the week for more then five hours.
I admt that right now I'm really tempted to start self-harming again. I have two butterflies on me at this moment. One has almost survived and one is about half of her lifespan. I'm trying not to concentrate too much on one thing.
Tomorrow I go see the oral surgeon for my teeth that have to be removed. I have to explain to him about my anxiety issues before he even starts looking in my mouth.
God, speaking of my anxiety, I know it's one of the biggest stress makers in our apartment. I try to get better and then I slip back some.
I'm planning on doing the dishes, cleaning up my desk, and the hallway today. I also have my own assignments and notes to take today so I'm trying to figure out how to manage everything with taking care of Aurora too.
Oh and I'm getting some books off of amazon from a site thing that I redeemed some of my bucks for $5 on a gift card. I have a total of $10 for amazon that I'm really happy about. It will let me get a couple of books to read.
I already have the first one picked out. It's title is Hand Me Downs. It's about a five year old who is sexually abuse by her older brother.
I really just need to find something I can relate to somehow. I know there's no way I could handle trying to go to a victim rape or incest meeting, especially not around here. My flashback are getting more frequent and my nightmares are insane at times. I relive everything over and over again at night. Even if I don't go to sleep and am left in the dark, it plays on the blackened canvas. I just want someone I relate to. I'm too scared to even speak about my past to anyone. I even stopped talking to Brett a long time ago now. I want someone I could talk to face to face who knows what it feels like to be forced to do something or know what it feels like to be so scared you learn not to sleep but only for a couple of hours. I don't have the courage to try to find anyone. I would rather try not asking for help even though I'm getting worse. I obsess over it every day. I lie about what's on my mind. I don't let anyone know how much I honestly think about it. It's always there.
I think the below belongs here. I wrote it one night after I took my Ambien and boy does that change everything.
"The clouds don't move and the stars don't shine
It's nothing but dark all around
The Devil lies down on the ground, Angels die off left and right.
God doesn't exist between these Angels and Devil.
They mix in grays but not a pure white to be seen.
The Devils will rule... so many forked tongues.
The Angels will fall... so many broken wings.
The innocent shall fall and beg before the Devils of our own time.
Who are the innocents?
Am I an innocent or condemned to be a devil?
Do the Angels have a chance to raise up above the Devils that prevail?
Can the Devils be hurt when they have people feeding out of their hands?
Girls have no choice with scrapped knees and broken hearts.
Listen to daddy and go with the part.
Don't tell mommy, She'll get real mad
And look at sissy, she's jealous of me.
But shh... it's a secret, can't you see?
No telling
No whispers in the air
Turn your back to any memories when they threaten to bite.
It's not so bad.
Boys can be but through the same!
But do mommy and daddy do the same?
Double the nightmares,
Double the secrets,
Whispers that never stop.
The little boy can't stand any Devils anymore
The little boy takes a blade to his hand
The little boy is no more"
-Written the night of 5-22-09
This next one really shows a lot more then the one above.
"I think the demons of hell are luring me to the edge
No matter what I do I can't reason with them any longer
The memories flood forth taking with it what was me
What once was an individual vanished long ago with all those nightmares and demons that came and took her away
Now only a glimpse is caught of the prisoner when she changes cells
No one hears her cries for help
No one sees her tears of sorrow
She's invisible to anyone who passes by
She's just a shell, a nobody, a lie.
You lay awake at night wondering if it's going to happen again or if its going to hurt worse. Yet you try to block it all out even as the nightmare unfolds. When it stops you miss it. You almost mourn it. Years later, decades later, you remember everything even if you don't admit it. Keep lying to yourself, it'll only get worse. Those memories only engrave themselves deeper in your mind. The scars you aren't even aware the abuse cause you. One night, you'll know. Trust me, one night... someone will look at you that way or bump into you and then those memories will take over. They'll control you and you will relive everything again! Just to block it out once more!
I think I've done what I never wanted to do! I think I've let my past become me! How could I let this happen?"
That was written on the night of 5-30-09.
I think both of these writing show just how much my past is a part of me. How do I separate the past from myself? I have no clue. I know I need to work on my anxiety before I can even step out my own door.
00:14 Jun 14 2009
Times Read: 1,076
I feel so guilty right now. My Grandmama is lying in a hospital bed and I'm getting ready to actually go out with a friend for the first real time in over a year. We're going to a concert with Your Favorite Assassin playing. I know I can't do anything for my Grandmama, but still. It feels so bad to me that she's dying and I'm going to go out, see a band, have some laughs, and some drinks. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I never went out with my friends when growing up because of my daddy being disabled and him slowly dying.
*sighs* Maybe I'm just trying to get out of going out around people. At least I have my anxiety medicine.
16:48 Jun 13 2009
Times Read: 1,125
My Grandmama's in the hospital. My mom took her down yesterday. She has been diagnosed with cancer. She has it in her lungs and an area in her face. There's more throughout her body but my mom won't tell me how bad it's spread. She did tell me that we'll be lucky if she makes it three months.
My Grandmama means the world to me. I don't even know how to deal with this. Honestly, I don't want to. I feel so lost. I feel empty. I just want to sleep and not even leave the bed or my couch. I would be hiding in the closet if I had my way.
She's gone from weighing 120 a couple of months ago to only being 94 pounds. She couldn't even sit up on her own yesterday. Brett had to go down and carry her to the car for my mom and stepdad and again to put her in a wheelchair at the hospital.
She doesn't want treatment. She's not even going to see the cancer doctor to see what his opinion is. Her main doctor is going to be sending her home with some medicine for her pain and her vomiting.
She's lived a long life. She's 75 years old and I know she misses my Grandpap. I hope when she does go, it's not painful for her. That's the last thing I want for her is pain. I wish I could know whether or not she's going to see my Grandpap as soon as she goes. I'm not even sure what my own beliefs are.
I can at least say I have no regrets with my Grandmama. I think out of my cousins, I'm the one who is the closest to her. I've always called to check on her, stayed with her when I can, and making sure she was okay when she lived by herself. Even when I was going to college, I would stop by her place almost every day just so I could make sure she was alright and didn't need anything. I'm close to her. I'm really close to her.
The only person I can compare this situation to is my Aunt Val. She got so bad she couldn't sit up. She had to have help every time she went to the bathroom too. I remember so much about the whole thing even though I was so young.
I feel like I'm already losing her. We don't even know how to tell my nephew who is only eight years old right now. We're all going to the hospital to see her today though.
How do I explain it to Aurora that Grandmama is going to be going away? Every time we go to my mom's house, she looks for her. She knows something is wrong and she's almost two. How do I tell her that one day Grandmama won't be coming back?
17:56 Jun 06 2009
Times Read: 1,150
We lost our car. It got repossessed a few days ago. We're trying to get my car up and running now.
I feel so lost and helpless. I'm scared to go out of the apartment. I just want to stay in bed all day. It's not healthy.
I start my online courses on Monday. I'm at least excited about that and looking forward to it.
COMMENTS
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DreamlessNight
18:14 Jun 30 2009
I'd steal the kitty too!
Idiosyncrasy
19:46 Jun 30 2009
You won't have an anxiety attack! You will pull through and be so proud of yourself for how string you are becoming!
If I can do it, so can you!
mysticwinds
23:59 Jun 30 2009
Bring my Baby down......