Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
36 entries this month
14:19 Jul 31 2010
Times Read: 897
I found my camera last night!
I guess one good thing is coming out of this weekend.
Calling my Aunty in a bit or maybe I'll have Brett do so since I'm dizzy and out of it to hell and back.
But once off the phone, we're going to take at least Skids out to my mom's at least.
Once back, I'm setting to get the rest of the living room organized, doing the clothes that are left, and putting Brett on sorting things out upstairs.
Um... with my Skidders gone, this weekend is going to be hell on all of us.
I'm seriously depressed.
I won't be on too much this weekend. Right now I need to get ready. So later.
12:50 Jul 30 2010
Times Read: 903
Brett won't get up. *glares at him*
I have an appointment at nine o'clock this morning. My therapy appointment. I haven't been in like a month because every time I would remember to make the appointment, I didn't get an answer on the phone and every time I should have made it, I have been forgetting.
There's some things that came up yesterday that may pose a problem. I won't be able to get it sorted out until Monday though. *takes a deep breath in* Monday.
The neighbor has turned into a real friggin' bitch. Right now it's to the point that calling her a female dog is probably an understatement.
Ever since we didn't lend her money like a month ago, she's been all bitchy and stuff. Ugh! We didn't have the money! Well, we kind of did but it was for gas for Brett to get to and from classes that week.
But... I don't know. I'll figure something out.
I need to get a shower, do my makeup, wake Aurora up, get Brett's ass out of bed, get food in people, and get everyone out the damn door.
*smirks* At least my appointment is like five minutes within the range of our apartment. Yay!
When I get home, I plan on finishing up the clothes, doing homework, and vacuuming the rest of the stairs. *nods*
But yeah... stressful weekend for me. With that neighbor, well she's decided to make things hard on us. However, the woman who owns the apartments, she likes us. *grumbles* Either way, it will get sorted out. I'll probably have a new enemy.
Oh god, just wait until my mother hears about it later today. *nods* My mom is just going to love this one!
Expect the worse out of people because that's what you're going to get. -My Daddy
I've always lived by that saying for the longest time now and it's always been able to stand on its own. I always get the absolute worse of people. Maybe it is just me or something. I don't know. I hope I don't bring the worse out in people. I try to be nice. I always remember my manners. I go out of my way for people. Yet, I get shit in return... and people wonder why I wish to just go live where I grew up, in the woods, and be a hermit.
It is because I always see the worse in people.
Ugh! I would love for people to prove my daddy's philosophy wrong but I don't believe that's ever going to happen.
... Later people. I got to get that shower after getting all the toys out of the bathtub. Grrrness. Aurora should not have so many bath toys!
20:09 Jul 29 2010
Times Read: 908
What's wrong with me?
I completely thought I took my medicine this morning.
... I was completely wrong!
Its too late to take it now.
The only thing I can do is try not to get too frustrated again, otherwise I won't be doing much for the rest of the evening.
Brett should be home soon.
I feel like I'm sick. I'm nauseous but haven't puked. I want junk food but I'm not going to eat that crap. I'm dizzy but I don't want to stay seated.
There's just too much to get done. I want to finish before Brett gets home. I want to have supper already made and things.
I'm not sure that's going to happen.
So I'm going to do my best. I'm going to finish more clothes, clean up Aurora's toys, and hopefully at that point make dinner.
At least it doesn't seem like the end of the world to me. That alone is letting me breath a little easier than before.
A year ago, this would have seemed earth-shattering to me. I would be crying because I wasn't how I was supposed to be. I would be too scared to get back up and face the problems.
Well, screw that. I fell. Big deal. I got dizzy and fell.
It's not the end of the world. I know it isn't and it no longer feels like it.
So I'm getting back to it. I've gotten a bunch done today but there's still more. I've been starting to sort through things to put in a yardsale my mom's going to be having.
♥
I'll get to where I want to be one day.
I know it.
I now believe it.
PRIVATE ENTRY
15:01 Jul 29 2010
Times Read: 910
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
23:09 Jul 27 2010
Times Read: 921
I can't say whether previous journal entry will stay true or not.
I'm online right now. I still can't finish my discussion forum because of other people. However, one person I did reply. Yippee! An actual response of substance to my post.
=)
I want to think.
Excel at everything you do.
One chance.
One impression.
I'm so freakin' doing this!
Woot!
Shit happens. Pick yourself up. Damn it. Almost three years of not being myself. I'll be damned if something like this will make me hide in a shell again.
I'll be okay.
We'll be okay.
Coconuts!
Coconuts!
Coconuts!
I am so thinking of getting a tattoo of coconuts.
=)
I want to get a good smelling coconut perfume to remind me of who I am and what the hell I'm capable of.
I'm going to redraw the image I drew before to get Frankie to possibly put her spin on it. She means so much to me. I want it to be something with a touch of her in it too. So what better way than asking her to redraw it?
I need to get off of here. I have an appointment thing here in a bit. So I'll either get on here later tonight or tomorrow if things go well.
Later.
=)
*whispers* Coconuts...
14:55 Jul 27 2010
Times Read: 926
May not be on for a couple of days.
Later.
Akinyele - Put It In My Mouth
12:33 Jul 27 2010
Times Read: 930
Intro:
My baby left me
Left me sad and blue
I didn't know what to do
Without my baby baby baby
and then I met his best friend
and he took me to his house
and I said...I said...I said
(what you said baby)
Let me tell you what I said
Put it in my mouth
She said put it in her mouth
I said my muthafuckin mouth
I mean her muthafuckin mouth
Put it in my mouth
She said put it in her mouth
My muthafuckin mouth
I mean her muthafuckin mouth
Put it in my mouth
She said put it in her mouth
My muthafuckin mouth
I mean her muthafuckin mouth
Verse
You wanna go down why not
I be like Herbie and han you a cock
and tell you that my name is AK
get on your knees, make like the breeze begin to blow
but dont give me no Ralph Loren grin
if your not down to go low (dump it in my mouth)
I'm all about mouth fuckin
only if you down for dick suckin
if not, bj in the bed...keep truckin
and fuck chap sticks
I'm comin ashes hell wit chapped dicks
for your chapped ass lips
treatin your teeth like dentists as Im rubbin them
with an erection like injections
fuck it I be druggin them
numbing up your tonsils
like ambesol anesthetic
cummin down your throat like chloraseptic(take it out my mouth)
no time for apologin..girlfriend if you.....
swallowin{gurgle}....gargolin
I'm givin bitches permanent beers
put your lips here
and catch these damn facial hairs in your mouth
Put it in my mouth
(Put it in your mouth)
I said my muthafuckin mouth
(I said your muthafuckin mouth)
and you can just eat me out
(or I can just eat you out)
you can eat me out
(yeah, whats that all about)
Well you can lick it, you can flip it, you can taste it
I'm talkin every drip-drop, don't you waste it
baby, slurp it up, its enough to fill your cup
its finger lickin good
and I wish a nigga would
go down kinda slow or even fast
I was sprung once I feel your tongue
In the crack of my ass, yes i need a nigga
goin out like that
boy your pack is such a tasty treat
and you can e a t m e o u t
but
put it your my mouth
(put it in your mouth)
I said your muthafuckin mouth
(I said your muthafuckin mouth)
and you could just eat me out
what do ya choose to lick
pussy or dick? (you could eat me out)
people through out the world (put it in your mouth)
man it's your pick (I said your muthafuckin mouth)
what do ya choose to lick (put it in my mouth)
pussy or dick? (put it in my mouth)
people through out the world (I said my muthafuckin mouth)
yeah it's your pick (just put it in my mouth)
what do you wanna lick (muthafuckin mouth)
pussy or dick? (and you could just eat me out)
people through out the world (in my mouth)
its..your..pick..hah (put it in my mouth)
its your pick..pick (baby-baby in my mouth
uhh, uhh (let me go down)
people through out the world
{laughing}
What does it matter if I give him head? I'm blind! It's not like I can see anything anyway!
Good times! Drunk times! ... I love you tons, Courtney. You always put a smile on our faces! Especially mine, no matter what.
I miss you.
02:54 Jul 27 2010
Times Read: 939
I'm finding my footing.
I'm finding it, damn it!
LOL!
I'm feeling pretty dang good lately. I had a trying weekend and bombed on my diet but I'm getting back on board with it.
I think it was worth it though. My weekend was stressful. I ended up getting everything but one writing assignment in each class.
*pouts*
HOWEVER!
I received a 92% in Information Security Fundamentals.
And a 83% in Criminal Law.
Woot! I'm proud of it!
♥♥
I'm finding myself again. *nods* My drive. My determination.
I have all of my homework for State and Local Government already completed for this week except for my replies on the discussion forum.
... But those have to wait for other people to post. Grrrrrrness!
I have four assignments left from what I needed to do last week for the class.
Hehe! I have the budget one already set up for tomorrow.
I plan on having everything completed and submitted by Thursday or Friday at the latest.
Today was a happy day for me. Even though I have been dizzy and things, I spent an hour and a half cleaning like my old self.
Headbanging.
Listening to music.
Singing/screaming along.
Dancing like a fool.
And loving every minute of it.
... That kind of cleaning routine.
God, if only I can continue that, I'll drop weight like crazy and love the movement while doing it.
Hehehehehe! I'm excited. I don't know why or what for... but I feel excited... content... and dare I say it, happy!
I'm scared something stupid will come up and change everything for the worse.
I'm scared to death of falling but I will force myself back up, damn it.
I have to.
For me.
For Aurora.
Hell with everyone else. Me and my daughter are the ones I want to do this for.
NO ONE ELSE!
Yeah, I'm a little out of it at the moment. I took my melatonin about 30 minutes ago.
I like this though. I like waking up and convincing myself to move because I want to. Like truly, honestly want to.
I know sometimes I'll be depressed. Sometimes I'll doubt myself in probably every way imaginable but I can do this!
I'm not going to settle for less than being myself now.
=)
I'm beginning to love me again.
Maybe my psychiatrist was right... when one thing starts to surface in me, everything else will follow.
It doesn't matter if anyone else believes in me... it matters that I believe in myself.
I love my close friends and my family. I miss those who have passed. But I know they will always be with me in one way or another.
I'll be okay.
Because no matter what happens, everything is still okay.
I know and believe in that in so many different ways now.
I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to have a chance to change myself for the better again.
I'm just me.
That's all I can be. For myself and my daughter.
♥
20:03 Jul 25 2010
Times Read: 950
My Uncle will probably be coming home in the next six months.
I'm so freakin' happy.
When I think about it, I start to cry.
He so didn't deserve it and I'm glad he'll be home.
Half a year longer.
Just six months.
I love him and miss him tons.
=)
04:38 Jul 24 2010
Times Read: 962
I feel kind of strange tonight. Yes, I've already taken my sleep medication but I was feeling strange before then.
I'm not worrying about the assignments for State and Local, other than the discussion forum and things like that. Taking it this route, it knocks out the stress of four assignments.
I have four assignments left in Criminal Law.
I have four assignments left in Information Security Fundamentals.
I'm too tired to continue working through everything tonight. I just want to sleep.
I feel weird though.
I don't know. I started crying today at two separate points in time. I've been wanting Brett to help more around the house. Today, he has. He did really good with it all. Yet, I was confined to my computer doing assignments, planning them out and completing them. It got to me.
I have to honestly admit the past few days, I've been feeling down because after 30 months of being home almost 24/7...
I'm starting to feel trapped.
I want to go outside.
Yet, I'm scared to.
But I want to.
And I'm terrified of it.
What the hell.
I feel torn between what I've been feeling this whole time and what I currently feel.
Plus, I'm worrying about what happens if I do get better... like 100% better from my anxiety disorder and I don't know what caused it to begin with?
Am I going to continue my life worried about what happens if I feel that terrified again when I wake up in the morning?
I don't know. I just don't know what I would do.
I've struggled with this for over two years. I started noticing changes in my thought pattern towards the end of my pregnancy. Nothing happened to provoke it. Was it a hormonal change brought on by the pregnancy? So many people have suggested it but I want to know for sure.
I'm scared I won't ever find out.
I can't feel that scared again.
Yeah, I'm not feeling like that right now. I'm feeling pretty decent. I can not only see things from a logical standpoint, but I can also convince myself of that logic when I do get terrified.
By the way, I wanted to make a note of me getting a 96% on my final exam in Criminal Law this evening.
I need to get to bed. I hope I sleep through the night this time. I need it.
17:47 Jul 23 2010
Times Read: 967
I'm just now getting ready to start on my assignments again. I've gone from over 40 something, down to 19 left.
I took my final for Information Security Fundamentals and received a 100%.
I'm proud of that!
However, I kind of feel like a fail because here I am, on Friday, still doing homework and having a little less then half to go on my assignments that are left.
I wanted to relax this weekend but it's not going to be so.
The plan today is to try to know out at least six more assignments. I want to knock out nine but I'm trying to be more realistic about it all with Aurora being fussy and me not sleeping well last night.
I'm doing good though. Instead of crying about the nightmares or hiding, I got online to calm down. I reassured myself that it was just a dream. Yes, a nightmare about my past but still just a dream. Its in the past, I won't say where it belongs, but its there to make me stronger and to make me, me.
I don't agree with most people about the past being just that, the past and that is where it should stay. I've forgotten tons of details about what had happened but I want to know what I do. I'm coming to an understanding that it is good for me to remember. How can I cope or heal from something that I have no clue what it was? If I only had the symptoms of it all, then how would I even begin to work through it in a healthy way?
I'm lucky for my memories, even the ones that hurt tremendously to think about.
Time to get down to assignments. I'll try to update and maybe rant a little bit later on.
=)
15:10 Jul 22 2010
Times Read: 977
Getting ready to do some chores.
But this morning, instead of doing my makeup, I ended up making something from a few pictures I took yesterday morning.
I like it.
It's definitely me. Hehe!
I cannot concentrate on my homework at the moment but I'm sure that will change when Aurora takes her nap.
Later.
04:00 Jul 22 2010
Times Read: 996
I wanted to do this journal entry tonight for me to see the changes.
It's one thing to say I'm changing. It's another thing to believe I'm getting better.
It's not false hope.
The changes are real.
You can see it. I can see it. It's real. It's really real.
I'm proud of myself.
I'm starting to feel more comfortable about myself and it's making me feel so content.
Here's the picture from the day of my appointment on Monday:
The whole set below is from this morning. Hehe. I'm getting better, bitches! Just like I said I would. It just took some time, tons of tears, and plenty of falls and fails.
Smiling at Aurora Bliss. Can you tell? ^.^
I'm beginning to love my eyes again. It is my gateway to my daddy no matter where I am. I'm happy I'm getting my sparkle and twinkle back! ♥
I don't know. I just like the look of the above picture. That's all. Hehe!
Can you see the changes like I can? I'm looking in the mirror again. I'm getting better. I can feel it. I can see it. The proof stares back at me every time I look at my reflection.
Yeah, I have scrapes and bruises, emotional pain and anguish, and so much more from the past thirty or so months.
I lost myself insanely where I couldn't even catch a glimpse of what I found of myself in Nashville and throughout my life.
I can see that woman in the mirror glancing back at me. It's not the same woman... but it's getting closer. No, I'm not comparing to what I had or felt in Nashville. I just want to be that comfortable again, have confidence in myself and the ability to believe in myself.
I made things happen.
I didn't wait for other people.
Why should I continue to do so now?
Fuck that!
I'm finding my stable ground and I'm damn proud of myself.
I've been warned by my psychiatrist that this could be a false stepping. But even if it is, this is the closest I've been to feeling like myself in the longest damn time.
Even if I fall, I'll be okay.
It'll just be time to pick myself up and try again.
And that's all there is to it.
I want to be me.
Not some limited version of myself.
I want the full version!
11:34 Jul 21 2010
Times Read: 1,007
The diet is going well. The fasting with little food changed my perspective on a lot like proportions and the sizes of bites.
For breakfast this morning, I had one cup of cornflakes, 1/5 cup 2% milk, and a small 4 oz. cup of V8 Fusion.
I'm full.
The whole white wheat bread is better to me texture-wise then the wheat bread. *nods* It is doing better with my stomach problems too.
I got a big 2.5 gallon tank thing for the fridge for water. Right now though, I'm drinking kool-aid with reducing the sugar it's made with every time. I know the dyes are not the best for me, but dang it, I want some kind of flavor during the day.
I had my psychiatrist appointment on Monday.
He said I look 500 times better then he's ever seen me.
I don't see him again for three months, instead of two. I'm ecstatic about that! ♥
I'm losing weight. In four months, I'm down to 252 pounds. It's great start!
I'm trying to get some weight off by dieting before I start working out regularly. My right knee cannot take the weight yet. It sucks. But I've been walking the past two days when we've gone to do things. I've also been going up and down our stairs more and overall moving more.
The more weight I've been losing, the more the dizziness is going away. I don't know if it's just my imagination or if there's a connection. I know there could be a big connection with it and me not drinking enough water. I'm trying to get enough in me each day now.
Blah.
As for classwork, oh my gawd! I'm going to need some luck and quiet time without Brett or Aurora distracting me!
LOL!
I had a total 34 assignments to get completed before Sunday night.
... that was the tally of yesterday morning.
This morning, I'm left with about 27 assignments.
I'm at least making progress and I'm determined to get everything done before Sunday if possible. I'm tired of some of the material but I know I need to learn it.
I seriously just want to get my finals this week done and over with. I'll just be left with one course then for like five more weeks. It'll be nice!
I'm going to go ahead and take my medicine for this morning, drink some kool-aid and probably nap for an hour. I've been up since four this morning. Aurora was up a lot last night, so if I'm catching some dreams, I need to do it as soon as possible. LOL!
Oh wow, I had a dream the other night, I married Frankie. In the dream, I woke up for marrying her, went back to bed, only to have nightmares about bears.
I'm paranoid to go to sleep because of brown bears now.
*sighs* Silly, I know, right? But yeah. I want Frankie to come sit on the back of my couch and be my gargoyle to ward off the brown bear nightmares!
LOL! I was asking Brett to do that last night!
Later... *meow*
03:57 Jul 18 2010
Times Read: 1,027
Shit happens and I'm not going to be on here so much at the moment.
That's all.
I started the diet today.
I'm fasting today and tomorrow for the most part other then healthy fresh fruits and veggies and wheat bread when needed... loads of water.
I hate the taste of city water.
I have finals for two of my classes this coming week.
Major things are coming to the surface so stress has been an issue.
I finally got in touch with the nurse and she called in my script for me fo my anxiety medication. I just have to absolutely make my appointment on Monday with the doctor.
That's fine.
I drove my car today. I was nervous to hell and back but I'm still alive. It's the first time in weeks I've actually driven.
I still have homework to get done and so much more. I need to vent something furious but I so don't have time to do it on here or to the one person I want to talk to about all of this.
I feel like I'm losing my mind and yet, I feel like I've gained a small amount of control over my life through all of this stress and chaos.
I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but damn it, I know there are people I can rely on and ask for help from.
I'm going to go ahead and make it a priority to get my workbook out and plan out my suicide plan so I know how to get into contact with who and for what.
I'm going to prepare for the worse this time and stand my own ground.
It's about damn time!
11:08 Jul 16 2010
Times Read: 1,037
A lot of my family have been seeking me out on FaceBook. Why do I think it could only end badly? I'm not the best person in the world. LOL! Far from it.
But I can see it now...
I'll comment a best friend's status saying something "inappropriate" in their eyes, and what will happen?
There's be a phone call to my mother placed.
I'm so not about to change who I am or what I say because of it. Not in that case.
Heh... they know I'm bisexual and have know that for about five years.
I have a crush on a chica. *nods* She's awesome as hell.
I flirt, she flirts. Hell, we all flirt and go to hell!
LOL! Sorry sleep meds just now wearing off and I'm debating about going back to bed for an hour or two.
But yeah, I can see it now.
God, my mom's face when she heard about things I've done before. I would rather her hear it from me then someone else.
That's just how it's always been.
My dad did tell me three days before he died...
"You told your mother what! There are things you don't tell her."
I was going insane about that point. Things were happening at school, rumors going around and such and sad thing is, I was always good in school and even at friends' houses.
I didn't do anything wrong in my mom's eyes but two times. That's really it during that whole time.
She would freak about some of the things that happened in our apartment in Nashville. But hell, I was never a part of it.
She freaked when she found out I was Courtney's first kiss.
But oh my god, I can see my stepdad's reaction if he would hear through my uncle I said something "out of line" to another girl.
This early in the morning... I think I'm screwed.
*yawns* Heading back to bed. I'm stressed from running out of medicine for my anxiety. I see my doctor on Monday though. Just the weekend. I have it split up so I have one pill today and Saturday and a half-pill for Sunday. I'm already feeling the effects of it starting to get out of my system.
I'll be okay though. I'll be fine.
Screw family members' views of what's right and wrong.
I live in a small area in Ohio that's close-minded to hell and back. My family is even more close-minded then the general population around here.
Redneck hell.
I just want my woods.
=(
I can see me becoming successful later on, buying land and building a house in Egypt Valley. *dreams* That's mine and Courtney's place. We loved going out there and scaring ourselves shitless. We've heard things out there at night though... weeping, laughing... and there were those bones we found that were amongst toys and clothes for a kid about the age of seven... even hair in that mess but it wasn't there when we went back.
Weird place. Scary on some occasions. Got to laugh at Tommy and me down there. Love the times with Brett there (no, no sexual things)... and I adore the times with Courtney there.
I don't care about making out with Tommy there.
I can stand forgetting about the times with him and Brett there.
John was with me once at night out there... we brought home with us a kitty cat we named Isis.
Brett and I have walked and had the most peaceful times out there.
I took Tony out there with me once one night I was pissed at Brett and went to Salem.
But it will always be my place with Courtney. Always. No one can take that from me.
No one can take my memories from me. Although at times, I wish I could lock some away after remembering them completely.
But yeah, it's supposed to be haunted. I believe it is but not for the things most talk about. I have orbs in countless numbers of my pictures.
I would love to live out there. I really would. It makes me feel safe. So freakin' safe. My thoughts calm down out there. My body isn't tense. I am just me. Myself. I don't think any other place has affected me like that...
Not like this.
I need to get sleep if I'm getting anymore.
Brett's taking care of Aurora today so I get a break there.
She's a whole other story in itself.
Aurora didn't play in feces yesterday. I went to wake her up and opened her door. She threw shit in my face and hair!
It got in my eye and for the rest of the day pretty much, my eyesight was blurry in it.
But yeah, disgusting.
How far is November from now?
She has to be three before a psychiatrist can see her and suggest changes in her diet and all that.
Night.
14:13 Jul 15 2010
Times Read: 1,044
I need to do something.
Three days ago, I had a bad fall. I feel at the top of the steps because of a cat... my legs both went under me and my bum hit the floor between my two legs. My bad luck didn't end there, I slid down two steps like that. My knees are killing me. The rest of my body doesn't hurt that bad, just my knees.
My right one is worse. I just wrapped it with an ace bandage because Brett's knee brace won't fit my knee.
Aurora's up.
I watched a movie.
I'm getting ready to try to get some chores around the apartment done.
I should do more of my homework but I can get that finished up for the most part tomorrow. I have less then twenty assignments left to finish...
That's counting what I had left from the weekend and everything from this week that was added to it.
So here's how my day is going to proceed:
-Make food for Aurora and something for myself.
-General clean-up of the living room.
-Start a load of clothes.
-Do some of the dishes (as many as I can with my knees and I'm hoping I can get a good bit done)
-Crush cans for recycling.
-About one o'clock put Aurora down for a nap... depending on her of course.
-Possibly watch a movie during her nap time and try to relax... take more Ibuprofen.
-Make lunch and wake Aurora up from her nap.
Now hopefully, she doesn't play in feces during her nap time, otherwise, you can add an early bath for her and a massive cleanup of her room... AGAIN!
I'm hoping on different levels right now that Brett gets home early today for my own sanity.
Time to get on with it. Later.
01:23 Jul 15 2010
Times Read: 1,051
The cards have been dealt and I guess I'm the crooked dealer. I wonder what cards I have hidden under the table this time. It can't be much considering. Hmm, will some kind of bluff work? What about the other players?
Heh. The other player. He'll probably double down, put all his chips on the table, and then when the cards show from under mine, he'll hang like a dead man.
The second player, no skill at all. No threat to a crooked dealer.
Let's see what life has in store for this wonderful opportunity. Let's see the different paths fate has planned. Will he lose or will I fall flat again?
Two players and one crooked dealer, let's see where this game takes us...
Let's see who bluffs, who folds, and who is in it for the long run to win the pot.
19:40 Jul 14 2010
Times Read: 1,060
I'm beyond pissed off right now. It feels like my knees are going to explode. I just want one god damn fucking break!
Just fuckin one!
But no, I can't. It just won't happen. Why the fuck does that surprise me any?!
11:47 Jul 12 2010
Times Read: 1,072
Last night I took my sleep medication and fell asleep a little before 11 pm. I slept through the night until about 4:30 am. That 5 1/2 hours of undisturbed, decent sleep.
I've been awake for about two hours.
I'm not feeling irritable or too anxious. I feel decent. I am yawning here and there...
But for a while I've been without my sleep medication and before that I was trying to make them last longer so I was only taking one instead of the two he prescribed me.
The one big downfall at the moment is my eyes are hurting when confronted with the light or daylight for that matter.
It's well worth feeling somewhat sane and my body not feeling as weak.
I know the cycle. I've been on different medicines for my insomnia. I've been on Ambien, Lunesta, Trazadone, and a couple of others. Sorry if I spelled any of them wrong.
Once I start the medicine back up though, it takes a week or so for my body to be up to par again from being sleep deprived. My eyes will hurt for a few days. Later today, I'll probably have a bad headache. And tonight I'll want to go to bed before I even take my medications... but if I try to sleep without the sleep medication, I'll wake up one or two hours after going to bed.
I know this cycle well. It happens with every sleep medicine I've been on. This one, although it caused problems with my stomach in the beginning, has been the best one I've been on so far.
Sad thing is... it is the best for me so far! And it's just a dietary supplement. It's not habit forming. Plus, in most cases, it's safe for pregnant women to take.
No, I'm not pregnant... but it makes me feel better knowing that.
So I'm up and I'm getting started on my day. I've already cleaned a little. Just small things I could do with everyone still being asleep and whatnot. But I'm getting ready to plan out my assignments to get them finished.
I still need to make my list for this week. *smiles* I'm wanting to get everything current and late completed by Wednesday or Thursday and start on my projects for next week.
Either which way, I'm up and awake and ready to go!
Woot! Thank you sleep! It was nice getting to know you again. LOL!
03:08 Jul 12 2010
Times Read: 1,086
There's only a few friends I have left in life that mean so much to me that I would stand by their side through everything... whether it be by speaking what I see or kicking them in the ass.
I hate how much some of my friends end up going through to find themselves or to get on solid ground.
Courtney never could find solid ground. She always fell through thin ice but made the best of it.
Jared has finally found a somewhat stable ground to plant himself for a while.
Brett... yeah. I'm always there... even if I'm screaming.
And then... there's a few more. If they don't realize they're one of those close friends to me, then I don't know what to do to show them they're that special to me.
I won't tell them some bullshit lie just to make them feel better. What I say is true and speaks volumes when I say it. I don't play pointless games and won't.
************************************
I'm disappointed in how much homework I finished up today. Yeah, a lot of it involved researching but that's no damn excuse for me not to get it done.
I finished six out of seventeen assignments.
I'm down to eleven left.
Information Security Fundamentals = 3
Criminal Law = 6
State and Local Government = 2
I'll be keeping at it all tomorrow too.
I didn't get much of anything done today that was on my list. I became a lazy slug while coming in and out of sleep where I couldn't stay awake for the longest time.
************************************
I also got my sleep medication today. My mom gave Brett the money to get it for me after I asked her. We didn't get it through the script though but got the CVS version...
240 pills for about $14
2 pills a night
30 days in a typical month
That's a four month supply! ♥
I'm going to be sleeping tonight!
Woot!
Night people!
I'll be online early in the morning here again. I've been pretty much leaving my MSN up all night and all day at the moment. *nods* It's for someone special that can always call on me anytime they need or want to!
Later!
11:03 Jul 11 2010
Times Read: 1,096
I've been awake since three o'clock this morning. I couldn't go back to bed after the cat (Skids) knocked a skillet off of the stove.
I'm tired as hell. I know there's no way in heck I'll be able to get done with everything I want to do without taking a nap. Maybe Brett and I will take a nap together when Aurora takes her's or something. I don't know.
I'm irritated but there's no use crying about it. I have a little bit of a fever this morning but I'm sure it's anxiety related. All I could think about this morning while trying to clear my mind and fall asleep was homework.
I need my sleep medication. God, I really do. I'm calling the pharmacy today to make sure how much they'll cost. Then... then I am probably counting out some fuckin' change so tonight I can get some decent amount of sleep.
For the past week or so, except for one day, I've gotten between two to four hours of sleep during the night. Now I admit, during some of the days, I'll take a nap because I just can't function anymore. My anxiety is getting worse. My logic is becoming cloudy.
I need sleep.
If I take a nap during the day, I usually wake up multiple times but nap for about one to two hours... depending on Aurora and what's going on of course. In an hour time period where Brett isn't here, I'll usually wake up at least three times to make sure Aurora's okay.
At the moment, I feel like I'm some paranoid, anxious hermit.
Sad thing is I'll take animals over humans almost any day and I've actually seriously thought about becoming a hermit of some type since I was a child. At one point in time, it was what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I'm so tired right now. I can barely keep my eyes open without drifting in and out. I want to get some homework done but I can't focus. I'm debating about whether the possible hour of sleep is worth it since I have to take my medicines at seven am.
I could always take them now, be a little dizzy when I wake up, and get two hours of sleep... granted that Brett's cat, Skids, starts to freakin' behave.
That sounds so good to me.
Two hours of sleep versus two hours of sleep when it's more chaotic.
I would be foolish if I didn't deal with the dizziness for a little bit to get those two hours of sleep.
*yawns* NIGHT!
05:03 Jul 11 2010
Times Read: 1,102
I almost have everything done for all of my classes. Things didn't settle down here until about six o'clock in the evening. So as people can assume from that, I got a really late start on my homework I wanted to do today.
Yesterday, I got everything done but one assignment. It was a discussion forum as I've said before.
Well today, I've gotten everything completed on my list of twelve things but two assignments. Both of those assignments are discussion forums and the one is actually the discussion forum I didn't get completed last night! LOL!
So the tally is I have seventeen assignments to complete before I am completely done with my list.
State and Local Government = 4
Criminal Law = 7
Information Security Fundamentals = 6
I'm getting there. Woot!
If today is any indication of what tomorrow is going to be like activity-wise... then I will not complete everything tomorrow.
I ended up making a more simple list this evening to take my stress level down. It consists of the week, class, and assignment. I'm still looking to my longer lists for details but the simple list is keeping my anxiety down some.
So tomorrow list does have all seventeen assignments on it. But if I can't get them all completed, it's okay.
The world won't end.
Hell, even if I get ten more things finished up tomorrow, that leaves seven to tack on to my assignments this week.
It won't hurt my grades that dang much and will save me some worries.
******************************
On top of homework tomorrow, I'm hoping to get some other things done.
I want to:
Get some writing completed in my handwritten journal.
Fold the clothes and get two more loads done.
Get a shower. *smiles* Relaxation! Well, some at least!
Get on the Wii Fit Plus.
Go to the store in the early morning or late evening for groceries.
Help Brett make lists for the coming days.
Organize my own lists for the next few days.
Make my list of assignments for this week coming.
♥
It'll keep me busy but at least most of that won't take too long. I'm not really looking forward to going grocery shopping with Brett and Aurora... but I wouldn't be going by myself. *shakes head* I know I need to work on that... but not right now!
I also want to go through our freezer to see what all is in there before we do go shopping. I know there's still hamburger, pork chops, tender loin, and other things in there.
*pouts* I want my damn ice cream!
I also want to take advantage of Brett being home tomorrow and Monday and spend some time with him in the evenings after Aurora goes to bed. Movie time or whatever. I don't know, just something.
Getting my bum to bed since it's midnight and I'll be up between 5:30 am - 7 am at the very latest. I still haven't been sleeping well. Ugh!
Heck, last night... I woke up at three in the morning terrified that I saw one of my exes outside my window. The nightmare was completely about him and someone else. Like what the hell? I worry about him, yes. But I don't care to add that worry on other ones right now!
*grumbles*
Night!
23:01 Jul 10 2010
Times Read: 1,109
I'm worried about things and have been for a day or two... maybe longer. It's hard to say for sure since sometimes my worries run seamlessly for days.
Stressed.
Anxious.
Worried.
Confused.
I don't seem to know whether I'm coming or going. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on my homework but it needs to get completed.
*sighs* Last night, out of all I set out to do, I only skipped one assignment. It was the discussion forum. One person's stupidity kind of set off a mass of irritation so I avoided the situation. But I did get my reading assignment done so it's now out of the way.
Right now, I'm trying to organize my homework in a way I may be able to complete most of it today. I'm not sure I'll be able to pull it off but I'm determined to try my hardest.
It's not going to go anywhere. I need to get it finished up and out of the way.
... Other then that, I'm worried about a couple of friends.
And Labsims is irritating me beyond belief.
I'm get it done though.
I'm sure.
=)
00:20 Jul 10 2010
Times Read: 1,117
Instead of getting things finished with, I ended up taking a nap with Brett during Aurora's nap time. I feel bad about it but at least it has rained and it feels so freakin' good.
He's doing the dishes as I type this. I'm cooking a ham for dinner. We slept a little late so supper is going to be a little late. No use crying about it though.
I'm doing my SPP while I think of my plan to get things completed this weekend.
I have homework that needs my attention.
Housework that has to get finished.
Free-time that I need.
And a few other things to throw in there.
I have two finals coming up soon. I'm not sure that I'm completely ready for them but I'm going to try my damnedest.
I'm a little bit stressed.
So for tonight before going to bed, I want to complete:
Two lesson presentations
One discussion forum (at least my main post)
A quiz
... And possibly another reading assignment.
That will leave six things left in Criminal Law.
I usually try to go to bed around the time I take my medications, which is 9 pm - 10 pm.
I'm going to get to it. There's nothing to do but get it done and wait for grades.
Patience is not my strongest suit at the moment.
18:03 Jul 09 2010
Times Read: 1,119
The rain is supposed to move in around five this evening. We can't wait. I will gladly welcome a thunderstorm at this point. *sighs*
I'm trying to find the energy and "coolness" to do some of the laundry and get some of the dishes washed.
I have a bit of homework to get completed but I'm making progress on it.
No where to go but forward. So it's time to get on with it all.
Please let that rain come...
00:40 Jul 08 2010
Times Read: 1,123
Brett won't have a Wow, Wow, Wubzy tea party with me and Aurora.
The nerve of him.
06:49 Jul 07 2010
Times Read: 1,134
I weigh about 286 pounds at the current time. I've ballooned to a point I seriously wish I hadn't but it's not the time to whine or complain.
I'm going to do this. It's for myself, damn it. Myself!
After talking to one of my closest friends tonight, I've come to a decision.
She suggested the Liver Cleanse Diet. High in fibers, somewhat low on meat, and you're not supposed to consume dairy.
After spending a lot of time looking up information on it, I've found it helps improve the immune system and it should help with a lot of my current problems. *nods* It's supposedly used to help people who lose unexplained pounds to get to a healthy weight and for overweight people not only to get to a healthy weight but improve other problems as well.
Now there are a couple of problems for me. I have GERD aka acid reflux. I drink milk in the day to help with it. Even though milk is not completely recommended for it since it can cause problems with gas. It helps me though and has never caused me any flatulence problems. I also love red meat. I love steak (I used to eat it completely raw and still do once in a while), hamburger (yum!), and roast (stew).
Red meat doesn't cover too much and I could still eat it in moderation.
So my thoughts on it:
I like the look of the diet. It seems more common sense to me then any other diet I've read about except for a few. It does seem like it would help me a great deal, even if I adopted the ideals of it and nothing else.
That's kind of what I'm getting at. Since milk does help when I have heartburn, I have GERDS (and other stomach/digestion problems), and I have a battle here and there with low iron... I'm thinking of modifying the diet to fit my life and what I want from it.
Now, I do agree with the first few days of light fasting. I know how much crap is in food. I think I know too much about it in some ways.
So I'm going to combine the ideals behind an acid reflux diet and the liver cleanse diet.
Tonight I picked out a journal for my food diary. Starting in the morning, I'm going to document what I eat and drink from the time I wake up on. I'm not going to count right now. I guess that's lazy in some ways.
I'm going to start managing my diet. I'm going to measure my food for a couple of weeks so I realize how much is a cup of this or that. *nods* Once I can actually estimate it, I'll only measure it with utensils once every so often for a set amount of days unless I'm having problems or misconceptions with it.
After a few days, when I'm feeling better from getting over being sick, I'm going to start exercising on a routine basis again. I'll drag Brett into if I have to. I'm going to start with a short amount of time either every day or every other day and increase it to a "normal" time. I'll probably actually start with stretches to get my body more limber and it try to get my muscles prepared for longer time periods.
In the morning after getting some of my homework tackled, I'm going to write in my new journal aka my food diary. I'm going to write my thoughts on my weight, why I want to get it off, my expectations, things to motivate me, and all that.
When I eat, I'm going to list... the food and beverages I consumed and the amount of each item, the number of calories in each serving of the items, the time of the day, where I am eating, whom I'm eating with, the mood I'm in, and how hungry I am.
Now since I do want to write my thoughts out about my weight first... I may put off writing everything I eat for a day. That way I will be able to get my thoughts down on the paper before I write everything out about what I consume. It will be less of a distraction.
I did something in the morning hours of the sixth...
I took pictures of myself for a log I'm working on. They're not friendly and show my body for what it is. I'm ashamed to admit I'm disgusted by what I see. I hate how my belly has formed since having Aurora.
But like my psychiatrist has put it "why are you bringing that up? She's over two years old. It's an excuse you use to defend your habits." He's completely right.
Excuses need to go out the window!
I'm strong and I know it. I've been through so much. I can do this again. I can get down to a healthy, reasonable weight. I mean I was happy with 175 pounds before I got pregnant. I remember how much better I felt about myself and how little problems I had compared to right now.
I want this and I need it.
I'll face it. I'm obese. I'm beyond overweight.
Based on my height and frame size, I'm supposed to be between 149 and 170 pounds.
Since the time I found out I was pregnant on my birthday on March 6th, 2007, I have gained about 111 pounds.
This isn't about me wanting to conform to the image of what I should be in someone's opinion.
This is me wanting to do this for my own good.
If I gain much more weight, I'm not going to be able to keep up with my daughter.
At that point, I don't know what I would be able to do to fight it. Right now, I can.
I can take back some kind of control. I can do this.
I need to get some sleep. I don't have anymore of my sleep medicine but I have another script. I got it filled to find out it's not covered by our insurance anymore. It's going to cost a little less then $18 to get it.
... There's no way I'm going to pay that amount when we barely have money for Brett to get to and from his classes. He's going three days a week instead of two. We're struggling and I just won't pay it.
I've been trying to get in touch with my psychiatrist but he is on vacation. If his nurse calls back, I may be able to get help from her. But as it stands, I can barely sleep during the night.
I would love opinions if people made it this far. I've just put a lot out there. I usually don't get offended about things. If I do, I'll come around.
Coconuts.
Lots and lots of coconuts.
20:58 Jul 06 2010
Times Read: 1,159
My latest attempt at photo editing. It was done last night with pictures I took of right after I cut my hair. *nods* My hair is short again but you can't really tell that from this.
The final piece took about an hour to get it to where I like it. But the three pictures in it took probably another hour to do beforehand.
07:14 Jul 06 2010
Times Read: 1,167
Am I ever going to feel like I am me or will I always feel like a photocopied image designed by someone else?
00:01 Jul 06 2010
Times Read: 1,191
I've written before that I want to eat roadkill stew in a journal entry on here. I believe some people, mostly my friends, think I'm joking about my desire to do so.
But here's some information on it.
It's illegal for me to pick up roadkill in Ohio and also illegal to cook/prepare it to eat here in my state. BUT in West Virginia, it's legal to not only pick it up but take home for consumption.
Before people get all grossed out on me by reading this, I would like you to read this statement from an Australian philosopher:
"In a discussion on the issue the Australian philosopher and animal rights author Peter Singer said,
I am opposed to subjecting animals to unnecessary pain and killing for food. Even so ... when a deer is accidentally hit by a car ... killing the animal to remove the pain is, in my opinion, justified and ethical. If an animal has been killed in an accident or is killed to prevent additional suffering before it dies and if this dead animal is a source of food, why not eat it when it is edible?"
-Wikipedia
Think about how much money one could save picking up FRESH roadkill off the roads or side of the roads and preparing it for supper or another meal.
People go hunting all the time to save money on food and because they enjoy the taste.
I've always wanted to try possum stew and wild rabbit. I've wanted to go hunting for the longest time but have never gotten the chance to take the gun safety courses to get my hunting license.
But it would keep the animal that just got hit from going to waste, save the person or family money, and keep bones off of the roads which hold the possibility of puncturing tires.
It seems logical to me.
Plus even if it has maggots on it already... the maggots only eat rotting flesh. That's the reason they use them in the medical field on patients. They eat dead flesh.
The animal would be organic and the meat wouldn't be pumped with all the dye shit that you get when purchasing it at a grocery store.
Ugh. The dye "bleeding" from the meat disgust me. It's pretty bad how I have to go through the meat anymore at Kroger Co. or other grocery stores and tilt it to see how much dye is coming out of it.
But yeah, I thought I would put this here because I am really interested in it. In Ohio, you have to call the game warden before taking home a deer that you hit and killed with your car. So I just hit a deer and what, I'm supposed to let it rot on the side of the road even though it's fresh and only died because my car was a weapon and killed it?!
Wasteful!
22:15 Jul 05 2010
Times Read: 1,196
I'm having a bad day. I've been in the bathroom throwing up twice this morning. I didn't sleep well. I kept going back to bed until past three in the afternoon. Brett's been holding down the fort with Aurora and things.
I just want to vanish for the day.
On top of all that, I'm really irritable and in a crappy mood. I've snapped at Brett twice today. I feel bad about it but I just don't really care. I don't know why. I almost feel indifferent about it... even though I know it stung him, if not hurt.
This morning, I tried to wake him up three times. I needed to talk. I needed someone to just hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. I needed someone here. Someone awake and willing to help with whatever thoughts came into my head.
I didn't get it. I didn't get anything the first two times. The third time... the third time he snapped at me saying "get the fuck away from me!"
I still just want someone to physically hold me, let me cry on their shoulder if I do so, and tell me it'll be alright.
How to get him to understand that?
I have no freakin' clue. Maybe if he reads this journal entry, he'll finally get it. I was begging him to sleep next to me or hold me until I fell asleep last night/this morning... like three am.
I got some cuddles. Not to the point I needed or wanted them though.
I'm really hard on myself lately. I feel like shit. I'm thinking like shit. I didn't even get all the homework done that I set out to do over the weekend.
I feel stupid.
Maybe foolish suits me better at the moment.
I started out with a two and a half page bulleted list. I did get over a page and a half done. I'm only left with a little shorter then a page of it.
I am disappointed in myself though.
I'm happy I've spent a good bit of time talking to Frankie and a little talking to other people I've missed. I needed it... badly. *nods*
I've been eating and craving nothing but cereal today. Marshmallow cereal... the one brand where there's lots and lots and lots of marshmallows.
Trying to concentrate on homework. So I can feel a little better. My daddy would kick my ass for not having it done already. *nods* Well, he would lecture me.
Life is what you make it...
So if I can't find the concentration, energy, motivation, and the sheer nerve to take things on that I want or need...
Where the hell does that leave me?
07:07 Jul 05 2010
Times Read: 1,206
Today, the 5th, is my dad's birthday. I'm scared to sleep tonight, well this morning since it's almost 2 am.
I confused my mom and dad's birthdays. I thought my dad's was on the 14th and my mom the 5th. Yeah, I was wrong. My mom corrected me on the phone in the evening about that one.
I feel guilty for me being so mistaken.
I feel guilty for not having the gas to make it to my dad's grave site to visit with him. Although I know he would kick my ass if I "wasted" gas to go visit where his body is rotting. Heh, my dad always tried to prevent things from being wasted.
I haven't been there in a long time now. I miss it. I want to go have lunch with him... but right now, money is not available for me to do so.
I'll be able to at the end of this month, but what about today?
I'm upset.
I mean, hell, I had one of the most amazing, funny, and eyeopening conversation with Frankie tonight. Four hours of enjoyment and laughter. Yet, I've almost hit rock bottom.
I was upset when I first messaged her. I was upset about my past. That's what the private entry is about.
I don't know if I'm going to be on here today. I know I'll talk to her if no one else. I don't think I'll ever ignore or avoid that woman even if she made me cry.
I think I've made some decisions about things. I'm not sure. I don't know how to bring it up though. Any of it. How do you bring up something you really don't want to talk about? I know I'll do it. After all, I am a Tiffy... the one and only Tiffy.
And my avatar has to do with how I felt earlier today after writing my private entry. Here's the original but you can barely read it for the most part.
I'm going to try to lay down. I do feel a little better writing this little bit. I'm scared but I'm not terrified. At least I have that going for me.
Oh and pink = my daddy's favorite color!
Titty pink. *smiles* Yay!
02:54 Jul 05 2010
Times Read: 1,225
Tiffany says:
Yeah, sweety, you do this amazing this to me. You you make me fall head over heels
with laughter of course
and the thought of aged cum
and then aged horse cum!
PRIVATE ENTRY
20:45 Jul 04 2010
Times Read: 1,228
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
15:03 Jul 03 2010
Times Read: 1,242
Oh how I've missed my conversations with a certain girl that makes my head whirl around and around. Hehe! Thanks love!
♥ You're so awesome! Don't ever doubt yourself on anything or I'll have to kick you in the butt!
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