Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
42 entries this month
Portfolio
17:24 Jan 31 2009
Times Read: 942
I'm starting to get the pictures I want to put in my portfolio resized. I'm thinking of putting some of the older ones up first. I'm not sure though.
14:46 Jan 31 2009
Times Read: 945
Brett left to go get Tops Tobacco...
Music Time!
15:06 Jan 30 2009
Times Read: 953
My psychiatrist's office is probably going to close down today. We're already under a level two snow emergency. I'm pissed about it because I don't have enough anti-depressants to last me.
*sighs*
This is going to be fun to see whether Brett can make it home or not.
I made strawberries in glaze and cooked a roast. Yum! They're for either lunch or dinner. When ever Brett gets home. Aurora and I are going to have grilled cheese for lunch if he's not home by then.
I got Mister Fishy taken care, the clothes gathered up for the most part, Aurora's things washed, and I've started on the dishes.
She's had breakfast (what she would eat of it) and she's getting a bath here in a few.
I'm planning on getting a lot more done once I put her down for her nap after her bath. I'm hoping to get her to lay down early today since Brett's supposed to get off by 12:30.
And I'm planning on possibly taking pictures today and putting up my portfolio. I want to have at least 50 pictures though and right now, I have 44 for it. I'm thinking of putting some older pictures up too. I don't know.
Gotta go, she's fussing.
13:07 Jan 30 2009
Times Read: 956
At least we're getting things to keep moving. We moved the date for the apartment on back until the 9th of February. If we don't come up with the money by then though, we're kicked off the list or moved completely to the bottom again.
Brett got his rim fixed yesterday for $30. Now we just need to get tires! We're thinking of asking one of my uncle's father-in-law if he will mount them for us if we get them.
Brett gets paid on the 6th so I'm hoping we can come up with the money. The only problem is he only worked about three hours yesterday and nothing the day before so we're going to be hurting. He also has to come home at 12:30 today to take me to my appointment with the psychiatrist.
That's another good thing! I'm seeing my psychiatrist today as long as they don't close from weather issues. I should be getting my Zoloft adjusted and possibly something for nerves.
I'm getting my motivation to get up and get packing and cleaning back again. I guess it's because I have some hope of getting out of here again.
And Brett's doing a little bit better. He's not snapping at me since our fight and he's remembering to do things a little bit better. I'm also catching glances of the Brett Brett that I met. I think I need that more then anything.
I'm going to get the rest of the dishes done and hopefully start packing again. I'll be checking messages and things as usual though.
19:39 Jan 29 2009
Times Read: 971
I'm going fuckin' insane! If we don't come up with the money somehow for our new apartment, we're knocked off the list period! Which means we have to reapply and go through all the hoops again! What the fuckin' hell?!
We're trying to figure out what we can do to get this damn apartment...
Salvation Army can't help us. The paperwork is in the mail for welfare and they can pay $300 after we come up and pay the rest. And H&R Block can't help us out because we're missing a W2.
I'm so lost.
Brett
13:46 Jan 29 2009
Times Read: 986
Yesterday was something else. Brett couldn't go to work, as I stated in the below journal entry. We ended up fighting though. I said a lot of things that have been on my mind for a while now. I don't know whether it hurt us or helped us now that it's past.
I know that yesterday was the first time in the long time that I've gotten to see the Brett Brett that I met in Nashville in '06. I think I needed that. I needed reassurance that my Brett isn't lost in the anger that he has with everything.
For the past few weeks I've been scared to even talk to him about anything in fear he would hit me or something. He never had done so other then me waking him up from nightmares in the middle of the night, until that morning I woke him up to see what he wanted for breakfast. He was talking to me like usual, then yelled at me, and ended up hitting me in the face causing the fat lip that is in the entry sometime this month.
That's not Brett. I know it. But even though I know it's not him, the fear is there and I just try to stay away from upsetting him every damn day. It seems like everything I do upsets him though.
I'm waiting for that phone call from the psychiatrist's office for him to go and see them. He needs something.
He threw in my face some hurtful things that I didn't even know how to take. I went silent because I couldn't speak from the knot in my throat and the tears burning my eyes. He yelled at me for not talking among other things and I ended up just letting most of what's on my mind out.
I want us to be better. I want to be with him but I don't. I don't think he understands that statement. He asked me if it's going to be one day I don't want to be with him, the next I want to be, and then back to wanting us to end things. I don't want that and I'm not like that damn it.
I love him. I don't want to be with anyone else I've met or screwed. I want him! We use to be so good together and I don't know what happened to it. I don't want to be with him because right now, I don't even want to sleep in the same bed with him let alone have sex with him lately. The past two weeks we've had sex twice. That's it. I'm tired of seeing nothing but his anger.
I'm jealous of a girl he just started to talk to again. He knew her in high school and her name's Amanda. I'm jealous because she gets the conversations with him that I don't anymore. She gets his easy going attitude and his attention. She gets to see his nice and caring side that I don't even get a hint of most days!
That pisses me off. Why wouldn't it?!
He knows that one of things I've asked him to do is read my journal. That way he knows some of what's going through my mind and yet he hasn't been here in roughly a week. What do I have to do to get the same attention Amanda gets?!
Sad thing is my paranoia about everything has gotten the better of me this morning. I wonder if I should be honest with him about it. I'm not looking forward to it but I won't avoid the subject. I hate this.
I need to go get things done before Aurora wakes up. She had a late night last night because of not sleeping well.
18:55 Jan 28 2009
Times Read: 993
As if the ice storm last night wasn't enough, now we're getting snow. It's been years upon years since I've seen a snow flake as big as my fist.
I wonder if Brett's going to be able to make it to work tomorrow. He couldn't today.
And we're still under a level three snow emergency until at least 7 p.m. tonight.
This sucks. I'm tired of the winter weather. I just want Spring to get here.
Pictures17:10 Jan 27 2009
Times Read: 1,007
I've been taking pictures of myself again and messing with them. I think I found my favorite. I'm still upset from yesterday. I'm emotional. But at least I'm getting some really good pictures from it all.
Once I'm done with the other ones, I'm thinking of posting those too. The ones that turn out good anyway. LOL!
Rant of Anger and Frustration
11:58 Jan 27 2009
Times Read: 1,012
It's morning, I'm already listening to music and trying to avoid getting off the computer.
We have some options.
February 2nd is six days away.
We need a total of $1022.
They said we can talk to our case worker about help with the security deposit which is $511.
We could see about getting some help from H&R block with the loan thing on income taxes.
We could also talk to the Salvation Army like I mentioned before.
I'm not too thrilled about asking for help. I never am. I never have been since I was little. From anyone.
We need it though. I have to admit that.
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I need out of here. I need away from the feelings of everything I do being seen under a microscope. I need away from my mom and step-dad knowing every little thing we do... and then finding something wrong with it.
I feel like shit. I was already asleep before it was time for me to take my Zoloft and Brett couldn't wake me up.
It's sad that because of that I'm going to be avoiding going next door like it's going to kill me. I don't want to see my mom. I don't want to see anyone. I just want left alone.
I feel like no matter what we do here, we're in the wrong. Even when I say Aurora's sleepy, I'm wrong. She sleeps too much they say. You know you could try knocking on my door at the times I've suggested when she's usually always awake! She has a sleep schedule!
I know as soon as we do get this apartment or any place around here to expect my mom to make surprise visits trying to catch us doing something wrong.
She did it with my sister all the time. I remember it. She liked to drag me along and try to catch them with pot or someone there. It was wrong for them to have black people over or anything!
What's my mom going to do if I get in the good with Meezy again and he starts hanging out at the apartment?!
I'm not going to let them say who I can or can't have at my place anymore. I do it now out of respect but you know what that only goes so damn far considering we get none in return.
It's pretty damn sad I've had to tell Brett not to come out with his sexuality because of my family. Hell, I was even told I can't have a girlfriend.
I love kissing Courtney and throwing it in my mom's face. Hell, I love throwing the past in my mom's face just so I know from the reaction that it happened and I'm not absolutely crazy!
Brett and I are on the rocks because of our living situation and the depression we've both been suffering from everything. We got so far in Nashville to be slammed back into nothingness. We don't even get treated like adults. I'm tired of this stupid shit!
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I need this. Brett needs this. Hell, I think even Aurora needs this!
Fuck the Pain Away!!!!!!!!
18:36 Jan 26 2009
Times Read: 1,017
I'm actually listening to MY music for once. I'm going through my cds that I just found not too long ago. I'm listening to ICP right now. I usually don't listen to them much.
I'm trying not to think. I've stopped everything I was doing before they called and after. I'm playing Need for Speed: Most Wanted (my Tiffy account) and listening to music.
My backs hurting but who cares, right? It's keeping my mind off of other things.
I'm horny as hell. Brett's still at work. Chris is at work for sure. And I have no flippin' clue how to get in touch with the other guy. God, that makes me sound like a whore! LOL!
I guess the good news is I have an appointment for the results of my MRI on my back on Wednesday. I'm hoping Brett can take me or at least watch Aurora. My mom needs to go with me so he will tell me whats going on. I'm hoping I don't have to go to a neurologist.
Payments
17:35 Jan 26 2009
Times Read: 1,020
I'm irritated about everything. Something always happens or comes up. We got that phone call today about the new apartment. I'll post more when Brett gets home. All I'm really saying is I went from happy as hell to crying and feeling really hopeless. I just want one thing to go in my favor for once. That's all. All of our bills are late, we still owe on the rent, and we're not going to have the money. What the hell are we going to do?
Anyone who really talks to me knows this is one of the only things I've been really looking forward to. Now it doesn't seem like it's going to be happening. Screw packing. Screw it. I can't deal with this crap.
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I want a break and I would tell Brett to go ahead to H&R block to get the money but he worked in so many places last year it would be ridiculous. We only have one of his W2's and one of my papers where we have been paying off my student loans. He worked at Undo's in St. C. and another Undo's, Northwood Health Systems, Epixtar, and then Cabela's at the end of the year. How the hell would they even work with us?
We still owe the bills and $180 should be automatically taken out of our bank account some time this week so we can't touch that much.
Brett still needs to get new tires. I won't let Aurora ride in the car with it being on a donut.
I could ask my mom for a little bit of help. He could possibly ask his dad. That's not saying either one could help us out at all. I wonder if the Salvation Army could help us out a little bit. It would be at the beginning of a new month. When we got the money, I would definitely give it back to them.
We need this apartment. God, why does everything seem to go wrong even when it's going somewhat right?!
A Day of Packing
11:53 Jan 26 2009
Times Read: 1,024
The past couple of days have been nothing but cleaning.
Today I'm concentrating on packing more.
I'm going to pack up the things for Aurora's new room. She isn't going to know what to do since she will have her own her. Hehe!
I'm also going to start packing up some of my clothes. I'm sorting through Aurora's as I go and deciding what she can still wear and what she can't. I didn't realize how many things we had to go to the consignment shop! She's going to need some more clothes soon so I'm wondering when we can take all of this down there.
I'm thinking about calling the apartment complex today. I need to know how much the down payment is going to be and how much is our rent. I also want to see if they've gotten the information back yet from Brett's employer. I'm nosy and impatient!
We got the fridge in yesterday. In the move from Karen's place to our house, the guy lost the center hinge thing. So I've been looking online for the replacement part. No matter where I look on the fridge though, I can't find the model number. It's hiding from me!
I'm starting to lose some weight. Yayness! It's boosting my mood a lot. My body hurts insanely though from everything I've been doing. Plus I've been wanting to sleep more and more.
I feel lost on what to pack and when. What happens if I pack a lot of things up and we find out we weren't approved for the apartment? I'm trying not to wait until the last minute but it's kind a hard to get motivated when I'm worried something is going to come up or prevent this from happening.
I'm going to get off of here before I really start thinking too much. *smiles* I'm going to start packing Aurora's things.
Packing and Cleaning
11:34 Jan 24 2009
Times Read: 1,038
I've been awake since about two this morning. I don't know why I can't get to sleep past it. Oh well, I've gotten to play video games, read, and I've started cleaning in that time.
I'm planning on packing some today. We're thinking about going to Chris' tonight once we call one of my uncles to see if he's available tomorrow and see what time Karen will be awake.
He still needs to find some place to get his tires and rim. I'm afraid to see how much the rim is going to cost. I'm thinking of having him call around to junkyards to see.
I have candied yams slow cooking right now. I'm thinking about making a stew for dinner. I need to get the yams done first though. That way I just need to heat them up. I'm going to be making eggs here in about a half an hour for breakfast.
I don't even know where to begin on packing things up for our move. I'm kind of scared that something is going to happen where he made a little extra in December and they're going to say, "You're not approve based on last month's income."
I would cry.
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I got to see Chris yesterday. It was a surprise! He didn't even tell me he was going to stop or anything so it really caught me off guard. I don't like people just showing up. I'm especially picky about who comes around my house. That's why I'm going to be happy for Brett and I to have an apartment to call our own again.
Anyway, he stopped to get the boys' clothes that I washed for him since they don't have a washer right now. I told him I was thinking about talking to Brett about going up there for last night. That didn't happen though since my back was having spasms and I could barely walk.
I don't know if we're going to get to go tonight. I told Brett it depends on what's going on tomorrow and how much we get done throughout the day.
I'm thinking of taking a shower once I finish typing this out and doing my routine of getting dressed up and doing my make-up. It's sad how much that alone can improve my mood.
I'm going to do the dishes too that way they don't build up. I already put away most of the dishes from the other day.
(Yesterday was my day to relax and play with Aurora all day without worrying about the house).
I'm thinking about embroidering some this evening even if we go to Chris' house just so I can settle my nerves.
Hehe! I'm already thinking about different little projects I can do for the new apartment to make it home. *smiles* I need this. I keep hoping that they will call! LOL!
I'm going to get off of here before I waste my alone time!
15:29 Jan 23 2009
Times Read: 1,051
So we're making some progress here. Brett's seeming to be a lot less angry yesterday and today (so far). I'm in a pretty good mood this morning. I'm still hurting but not as badly. Aurora seems to not be fussing much at all either.
I just talked to Chris. He can pay us at least $50 of the $60-80 he owes us. That's good. It means we have to come up with the extra $50-150 to get some tires for the car.
I finally got the E-bay things paid for. It cost us less then $15 for me to get a book and Brett to get a model to calm his nerves down.
Our car payment finally went through. My loan payment will go through on the 25th for $50 and the insurance will go through on the 30th for $130.
I'm not sure how we're really going to pull this all off. I might have to ask my mommy for a little bit of help or something. Brett gets paid on the sixth again.
I know one thing for sure it's I need to get out of this house. My therapist agrees completely. I'm wondering if my mom will hold it against me if we move out, I become better again and refuse to move back in later on when we're on our feet.
_______________________________
I've been actually relaxing this morning. I'm still doing the rest of our clothes but all in all, I'm tired of cleaning. I might decide to pack some here in a little bit.
I can't believe we're finally going to be moving! It seems like things are looking in a positive direction for once since we moved up here to Ohio. I know we're going to be struggling to make ends meet but you know what, I don't think we can struggle anymore then what we are right now.
I don't know who lives up there anymore. I know Meezy moved and got his own place. I know Chad had an interview with a mining company so I don't know if he's still up there or not. All I can say is I guess I'll find out.
I've also decided that this summer I'm going to get Aurora into a reading program. I think it would be great for her and also encourage her to keep her love of books alive. It will also get her out around other children.
I'm thinking of possibly joining a book club once we are on our feet in the new apartment and everything gets settled down. I also want to get my medication straightened out before I take that big of a step.
I wanting Brett to get home early just so we can spend some time together. I wonder if it will happen.
17:02 Jan 22 2009
Times Read: 1,064
I'm so fuckin' happy! We're going to be moving probably in the next two weeks or so! Woohoo!
Now back to cleaning! LOL! I had to say the news somewhere!
Private for now... I'll make it public when I tell Brett. It's noon he should show up in the next hour or so! Hehe!
12:38 Jan 22 2009
Times Read: 1,069
Today is already taking it's toll on my body. I feel like I'm burning up and my back has been having spasms. I'm sitting down for a few because of it. I'm not really in a good mood but I guess I'm alright as far as socializing goes.
I'm probably going to be getting on here a lot today just to update what I've gotten done if I can. That way Brett notices! LOL! I want him to actually see how much I get done even with taking care and spending time with Aurora.
He always uses the excuse that he's been dealing with her. Okay, I've been dealing with her!
I still have a lot to do so I'm probably not listing right now. The lifting is getting to my back though. I'm not sure how often I'm going to be able to lift Aurora because of it. *sighs* She's going to be grumpy later because of it.
I'm breaking out in a rash from something, probably my nerves again. I still haven't been to bed.
I can't get the clothes started yet, even though I've gotten all the ones downstairs gathered up. There are clothes in the washer like Uncle Bill is planning on washing them so I'm asking when he gets back from picking up my mommy from work.
I haven't done the dishes either which is really bugging me. Worse case scenario is I have Brett do them when he gets home. I hate asking him to though since he's been so angry lately.
That's a whole other issue that all I'm going to comment on is I feel almost like I'm getting brainwashed by his anger and irritation with everything.
I'm going to get off of here since my back has lightened up some. I'm thinking of asking my mom to possibly rub my back.
Good news is I got all the Christmas stuff downstairs in the basement!
...at the expense of my back and legs...
Chaos!
07:50 Jan 22 2009
Times Read: 1,077
We're getting a new fridge today. Thank god!
It just means that I'm going to have to bust my ass on everything and anything.
I have to move the furniture around in the kitchen. I need to get the dishes done that I didn't get to do today. I need to clean up everything from Aurora.
All the while doing:
Picking up the rest of the living room
That's bugging the crap out of me.
Getting all of the clothes done.
It's been put off for so long because of my mom putting of doing her's.
Vacuuming up ALL the crumbs!
Aurora has been leaving crumbs everywhere. At least I washed her high chair to get the rest of the paints off of it today. She's going to be upset with me about it...
Along with a whole bunch of things!
_______________________________
I'm going to start packing today. I need to. I still need to call Jaycee, damn it!
I'm actually getting to talk to a friend from Nashville right now and enjoying getting to vent to someone who knows what Brett is like when he's "normal."
I feel like I need to do something. I need to clean. I need to move. It's getting to me to just sit here and talk knowing how much I have to get done.
I can't wake Brett though so I can't really clean. I need to let Aurora sleep otherwise nothing's going to get done today.
In an hour and a half, I'm getting a shower, getting dressed and doing my make-up. By that time, it should be time for Brett to wake up. I'll make breakfast for us and hopefully get him to help me to move the table at least before he goes to work.
That way I won't be struggling with that this morning.
If I take the Christmas things downstairs, there isn't much left to do in the center room. The kitchen is easy right now... move furniture, wash dishes, put things away, etc. The living room and the clothes are the main thing. I need to also get the clothes in the bathroom done.
*sighs* I started typing this at about 1:30 something. I talked with my friend and it's almost three. I'm still not able to sleep so I'm thinking once I'm done with talking to him, I'm going to start cleaning and get done while I can!
New Tires
01:22 Jan 22 2009
Times Read: 1,083
I've been sleeping a lot this evening. I don't feel good. Brett's been watching Aurora at least so I don't need to worry there.
I found out what he was talking about. He probably just cost us around $150-200 for new tires. He hit a pot hole and didn't puncture his tire but he bent the rim.
*sighs* I'm making him call in the money we've lent out to people. Chris owes us $60-80 and Karen owes us $25. That will get some of the money we need!
I'm going to be finishing the things I wanted to get done today tomorrow.
I am proud of myself though!
The tasks that I separated out, I finished.
I haven't thought about the things of the past today.
I did over-react about what Brett could have meant though. I was alright with waiting until about noon. He never called me back. I was worried about what could have happened to him. Every damn scenario that went through my head wasn't a good one.
At least getting new tires isn't that bad. We needed them so it was only a matter of time. Now to come up with the money for them. He's going to be driving on the donut for a day or two until his check comes through and we can get Karen and Chris to pay up.
We Need Money?!
14:59 Jan 21 2009
Times Read: 1,096
I'm at a lost of what's going on. Brett called while I was giving Aurora a bath. He called twice. I didn't hear the phone ring or the answering machine pick up otherwise I would have answered.
The first call nothing out of the norm for him calling me this early in the morning knowing my back is hurting badly.
The second call was okay until the end... "I'm not having a good day. We need money. I'll try calling around lunch."
Oh nice! What the heck has happened now?
We still owe AT&T $82, the car insurance $130, and we still owe on the rent about $150. We're low on groceries and we have other household things we have to get. How the hell am I managing miraculously pulling yet another month off with the bills?
I'm going to wait until he calls to find out what's going on. There's nothing else I can do! I wish there was and I wish I wouldn't have missed his calls.
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On the upbeat look, I already got a shower this morning, make-up done, and dressed nicely. I made pancakes for breakfast for Brett and me too.
I've gotten most of the living room cleaned up, the stack of discs put away while trying to round up all the cases, Aurora has ate breakfast, had story time, got a bath, and I put her in her crib just now since she's so tired she can't walk straight.
I'm planning on taking the rest of the Christmas things downstairs as soon as my mom and her husband go to town.
I'm hoping to also get the dishes done from yesterday and today.
I can't do clothes until tomorrow even though I really wanted to get them done. *sighs* That's okay. They'll get done.
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On the sour side is being tipped over by worrying about Brett and what he's gotten into.
I still haven't gotten to print out the project I got ready for me to embroider.
Aurora is fussy as all hell. She didn't go to bed last night because of her teeth bothering her... yet again.
I still need to get a lot of things done around the house.
I haven't found the time to watch a movie, read some of a book, or anything. Yes, I know I could be using this time to do so but I'm waiting to hear Aurora from upstairs and have to go up there yet again.
I can't get out of the habit of waking up at 2 a.m. for some reason. This morning was the third day in a row it's happened. And I can't go back to sleep for some reason after.
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Okay, I'm running away from the internet yet again.
I want to get a lot more done with the few hours I have.
I'm thinking of leaving the computer online though and buffering something for Brett and me to watch when he gets home.
That might be an idea and it might lighten the mood from whatever the hell happened!
I'm thinking of giving him a rub down and making sure to have lunch ready for him when he comes home.
I want to cheer him up somehow.
I want to do something for him...
08:36 Jan 21 2009
Times Read: 1,100
I'm not planning on being online much today. Let's see if I can stick to it.
I'm actually planning on getting things done around the house, writing out Aurora's routine for Brett, and starting my embroidery project.
I'm thinking about putting Aurora's bookcase together for her so she can start picking out the books we read.
She has killed only four books by chewing on them. It would be a higher number if we didn't keep them up. She loves looking at the pictures though and trying to repeat the words I say.
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I'm going to get a shower really early this morning. Once I get off of here, I'm heading to get it actually. I need to stop getting up at two in the morning and not being able to go back to bed.
I'm going to get dressed and do my make-up before Brett even leaves for work.
I'm also going to call Jaycee about 10:30 or 11 this morning to see if we've gone up any on the list. I hope we have.
Brett had his assessment yesterday. It went well. I didn't like the fact that he didn't tell them some things that have been effecting him. I told him he was having nightmares every night again. Yet he didn't say anything. He also didn't mention that he self harms at times and used to regularly. *sighs* It's bugging the crap out of me that he wasn't completely honest.
Today is about moving forward, not backwards.
I'm going to try not to dwell on things. That's my goal.
Simple tasks, completion necessary.
I think Brett will understand that!
I know that this entry is dwelling some but that's all I'm allowed for the day. Hehe! Let's see how I do!
Motivated?
11:12 Jan 20 2009
Times Read: 1,111
It's another good morning or at least it feels like it. I'm trying some new things today on how to get things I want to do and still spend plenty of time with Aurora.
I'm thinking of letting her sleep a little bit extra since her teeth are bothering her. It will give me about an hour extra of quiet time.
My internet has been messing up a lot this morning so I don't know if I will be able to get online to do some things I was planning on but oh well, that's the way it goes.
I slept last night but only for about three hours. I might take an hour nap with Aurora later on. I'm not sure yet.
The only problem with that is if I lay down for an hour any part of the day now, I'm going to have problems going to sleep tonight.
I remembered to take my Zoloft last night. I wanted to make sure I stated that, especially to let you know Aunt Gina! LOL!
I'm honestly wondering how much I can get done in the at least eight hours Brett is going to be gone. I'm also wondering if he's going to come home sooner then plan because of the workload.
He has his assessment at 7 tonight. After he goes and gets an appointment set up with a psychiatrist, I will feel a little bit relieved knowing he isn't going to be like this forever.
I got my project planned out in Photoshop last night before I went to sleep. I'm planning on printing it today and putting it on the fabric! Yay! If I get to do my embroidery soon, it will probably calm me down with my nerves and temper.
I'm going to get done before I waste too much time online.
Entry a Day?
10:48 Jan 19 2009
Times Read: 1,122
I'm thinking of starting to do a daily journal on here or in a notebook.
Just something to put down my thoughts for the day.
It's not like it could do much harm. It might end up helping me to put things in prospective. Whether something happens any given day, I still think about things tremendously.
I have a problem with dwelling on situations in the past and only looking to the future for a short time.
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I need to relax and start doing things that I want to do, along with the routine I need to do every day for Aurora and the sake of the house.
I'm thinking about working on a design for an embroidery project. Something for me to try to mediate on. I had an idea about it but I'm trying to find an image of a flower that gives me an idea of how the petals fall with the flower lying on a table. I haven't found anything yet so I might draw an lotus instead since it represents healing.
I'm wanting to read more of my book to. I actually got the nerve to ask Brett if he would mind me reading the book to Aurora so I can read more often. He doesn't mind at all and he even picked it up last night while in the kitchen smoking.
I've been making time to play a little bit of video games. My goal is to beat Need For Speed: Most Wanted in nothing but a Cobalt in a new save file. On my original one, I've almost beaten the game and almost all of the races I've won in my Cobalt. It's my baby!
I still haven't been able to work up the courage to really work in my workbook. It gives me mixed feelings of relief and panic.
I've been making time for Brett and I to talk and to do things together. Even yesterday with all of the arguing and the fat lip I got in the morning, we were laughing and goofing off at the end of the day.
I love him lots.
________________________________
I've made a decision to make Brett read my journal entries in the morning or the evening. He's right. He's not always going to remember to check my journal or log onto VR.
It means something to me to hear his thoughts on what I've been thinking. I care about what he thinks, whether I want to or not.
Maybe it will help us some if I gave him some kind of topic to write about or no. That way it just flows instead of him struggling to talk or write.
I've been trying to come up with a strategy to get us both to communicate better. I know a lot of it is going to have to wait until he can concentrate a lot more then what he does now.
He is doing better though!
A New Outlook
05:46 Jan 19 2009
Times Read: 1,129
Today went alright. I've slept for most of the day from depression and wanting to avoid Brett.
I made pancakes for breakfast. Brett got the rest of the dishes done. I'm going to continue putting things where they go tomorrow. I'm also planning on packing some things up for the hope of getting our apartment soon.
I'm mellowing out some since I've been reading and playing video games today.
I asked Brett to read my last journal entry, of course he didn't. But he asked me tonight if I wanted to go to church this weekend.
:-)
I think I'm making some kind of progress with him. I wonder if I should take him up on his offer or if I should go by myself.
Family time or Tiffy time?
I think church is a time for the family. He asked me if I had one in mind. I honestly don't know. I'm thinking about looking into the ones in town. I want to go to a church that is accepting and doesn't force feed you the gospel. I want one that brings it to life.
I'm already thinking about what I will wear if I get to go this weekend. Shh! Don't tell anyone!
My hopes are starting to come back. I can tell. I'm looking forward to getting better and getting into a better situation then the one I find myself in today.
___________________________________
I also talked to Brett today about possibly looking into online groups about rape and/or incest.
The past effects me a lot. I admit it. I've never been able to talk about it or even face it, let alone work through it. I need to.
I want to build a support group for myself. It's going to start with friends but I think I need to be able to talk to other victims to know I'm not alone. I've given this some thought and I think I'm going to look online for some groups or other people I can talk to.
Brett has a past. He doesn't remember much about it. He's like me in the way he doubts it happened when it bothers him. I know he has nightmares and I don't doubt it happened to him. As sad as it sounds though, I dislike the fact that he doesn't know where I'm coming from. He doesn't remember his dreams. He doesn't remember the vivid details.
I do.
I need to talk to people who understand what is going through my head at the time I say it. I'm tired of therapist talking from other patients' experiences and textbooks. The same goes with psychiatrists who only meet you for a 15 minute medicine check. Friends are helpful but when you say you can feel the touches like they are happening right now, they don't understand and can't even begin to.
I need this. I need to be able to talk to other victims and actually begin to heal.
I feel so alone in this.
I feel like I've been left alone in that basement all those years ago or in that house with no one even there but me and the person who hurt me for over a year.
I want to eventually be able to find a group I can go to in person but I don't think I can build up the courage to do so right now. I can't imagine even being able to do so in the next year. But I do want to go eventually. That's good enough for me.
___________________________________
I talked to Brett about me buying some books on E-bay too. I already won one today for $0.99. I still have to pay for it but something is up with our paypal account tonight.
I want to find certain books for me.
I want to manage my reading so I don't just focus on helping my mood to improve through devotional books or self-help books and the like.
I have books here that I want to read and own. I still need to read them so tomorrow I'm starting now that my concentration is picking back up. I think I'm going to read Twilight again since Brett got me New Moon off of a co-worker. Not sure yet.
I might decide to watch a movie instead. Hehe!
But the books I want off of E-bay are:
God's Little Devotional Book for Moms
Won today
The Courage to Heal for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
I have the workbook but not the actual book
A biography of a rape victim where they talk about their experiences, their coping, and most important their healing.
I need something to make me feel not so alone and give me hope I can overcome this
A self-help book for communications in relationships.
I'm horrible at trying to communicate anymore unless it's on a keyboard or with a writing utensil, but Brett and I need to start communicating in our relationship without so many misunderstandings
A self-help book on motivation/to avoid procrastination
Brett and I both do this. I can't find the motivation to do things, and he puts them off. Great pair, huh?
___________________________________
I'm not asking for miracles and I know that there is a long road for me ahead.
I just don't want to feel so alone anymore.
Being alone scares me.
I need to find my motivation, my determination, my strength, my will-power, along with other attributes of myself again.
So does Brett and I'm willing to accept that.
Fat Lip Anger!10:50 Jan 18 2009
Times Read: 1,145
I'm pissed at Brett. I woke him up for a minute because he was whimpering in his sleep from a nightmare and so I could ask him what he wanted for breakfast when it was time for him to get up.
He smacked me. He gave me a god damn fat lip.
My temper flared, I bitch slapped him back and yelled at him not to ever do it again.
I took a shower and calmed down.
Here's the damage:
It isn't bad. It bled a little and it stings, of course. But it was the fact that he hit me. I'm not dealing with that from anyone!
_____________________________________
I woke up from a nightmare myself and can't get the memories out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, I see the images. I'm too scared to go back to bed or even try.
On the positive end of things, I got the dishes done that Brett was supposed to do yesterday. I got the kitchen cleaned for the most part.
I took a shower, got my legs shaved, got dressed up, and even got my make-up on. *smiles* I feel a little bit better. I'm actually in a skirt with a low-cut top. I'm thinking of putting fishnets on possibly and taking pictures once my lip goes down later on.
(By the way, I never wear skirts or dresses! I'm a tomboy insanely in the way I dress most times!)
I'm thinking of reading some and playing video games.
I got out a book called "God's Little Devotional Book for Teens." It was a gift to me in 2004 from a girl in my first period class in high school. I miss talking with her but I kind of ruined that friendship shortly after.
It's cheering me up though. I'm thinking of posting a couple of the entries in here. I'm not sure. Maybe the top two that stick out in the mind?
I'm thinking of trying to go to church every week or something. I like just being there. It makes me feel hopeful of the future. It also lets me start getting out like my therapist wants me to. I don't know how accepting the churches in this area are though.
And to answer the question before it comes up... No, I don't have a religion. I'm not really sure what I believe in, other then there is a higher power. And to that power, I do pray.
I'm starting to feel better overall though. It's nice.
A Shell of Myself
09:01 Jan 16 2009
Times Read: 1,154
Even though I was really depressed yesterday and had a really bad panic attack last night, I'm feeling pretty good this morning. I actually slept pretty decently.
Aurora's becoming incredibly fussing from teething again. I feel horrible because yesterday I didn't even want to get off my couch, let alone keep up with a 14 month old.
Dealing with my past, the nightmares, the flashbacks, my own family's drama, my Uncle John claiming to have cancer with no real proof yet, Brett becoming so distant from his depression, ADHD and ADD acting up, Aurora with her stubbornness, my depression and anxiety and finding out our family friend has cancer and is going to start chemo and radiation soon...
It's really all adding up and getting me really down.
Yesterday was the first day I've binge ate in a LONG time. My stomach is hurting from it badly today. I'm determined not to let that happen again if I can help it.
I feel like I'm not in control of anything.
I'm terrified about who I'm going to lose next and praying it's not Brett or Aurora. I didn't even want to let him go to work yesterday morning. I didn't want to let him go. I'm thinking the worse of everything. I need to stop.
I used to think so logically. I still do on so many things. But what happened to the girl who could reason with herself using logic to calm down. What happened to the girl who used to figure out statistics just to be able to sleep at night.
What happened to the girl from way back when and can I get her back?
I feel like a Tiffy who isn't even a Tiffy anymore...
10:21 Jan 15 2009
Times Read: 1,164
I'm probably going to get offline and do what I did in Nashville. It was either clean or have a relapse and clean. I'm probably just cleaning. I'm trying not to do anything "stupid" or the like. I'm scared and terrified the next news I'm going to get is someone else is dying... slowly...
I've thought about calling crisis this morning. Yet, I can't bring myself to call.
I'm secretly hoping Brett can't make it clear to work and will be back home sometime soon. That's horrible of me knowing we really need the money. I'm so scared of being alone. I'm terrified of the thoughts I'm thinking.
Hell, I haven't even slept since waking up a little after 11 last night. Maybe I should take a sleeping pill tonight.
Yet Another One...
09:54 Jan 15 2009
Times Read: 1,165
I found out yet another person I've been close to in my life other then my Uncle Jeff has lung cancer. They're scheduling him for chemo and radiation. I can't think straight.
We still don't know if my Uncle John is lying about having cancer. Only time will tell if he's dying. I'm upset about it but he's brought it on himself. He's fucked everyone over one way or the other.
Osman hasn't even done anything but be there for me. I remember him calling Tommy and yelling at him because he thought I was just a game to him.
I can't deal with this. Who's going to leave me next?
09:48 Jan 15 2009
Times Read: 1,166
I feel like Brett hates me this morning. Why? I don't know. I have no clue. It just feels that way to me.
17:58 Jan 13 2009
Times Read: 1,184
Logged on for just long enough to say I had a fall down the steps. I'm going to take something for the pain and probably lay around until Brett gets home around two maybe a little bit later. Aurora was just laid down for her nap time. I kind of fall coming back downstairs... It was my fault for once! Woohoo! I missed the step and yeah, I'm fine just need to relax for a few.
Wait until I tell Brett for once it was my stupidity and not my leg(s) giving out!
14:40 Jan 13 2009
Times Read: 1,196
I've gotten out of bed, gotten dressed, and did my make-up. I'm getting ready to start cleaning. But I've taken *some* pictures. Just to be vain and all!
At least taking pictures does help me some with getting my self-esteem and confidence back.
And there's a song I'm listening to a lot this morning. It's called Damaged by Plumb. It describes how I feel a lot of the time.
11:58 Jan 13 2009
Times Read: 1,203
My therapy session last night was something else. I don't think I've ever opened up that much in any other session with any therapist I've seen before. I'm really glad Brett was in the room. I kept on looking at him for support, for approval, to know he was there, among other things.
I need to start working on this. I can't do this anymore. My past has become me. It has consumed me and now I have to "find" me again.
I feel tremendous guilt. I feel unbelievable anger. I can't ask for help anymore. I can't keep everything locked up.
Last night, I could actually sleep. I don't remember having any nightmares. This morning I didn't even want to get up to the alarm because I was enjoying it. Sleeping while feeling safe... not something I do often anymore, especially at night.
I think one of the things that gets to me the most is not having the answers that I want.
My mother told me her and my dad suspected something like that was happening and that I needed to get over it and move on.
I don't think anyone knows how much that hurts. I want to know why she didn't look into it or try to do something. I want to know what was going through her head. What were her thoughts? Did she just not want to admit it was happening? I know she doesn't want to admit anything is wrong even now.
I need to come to terms with not being able to get those answers. I think one day when I'm angry enough, those questions are going to come out and I will probably demand the answers, not ask.
It feels like all of this is eating me alive. Everyday, I'm battling with my own thoughts and emotions just to stay afloat.
Did it all even happen? I have all the scars. On my legs, on my back, internally, etc... There's proof in front of my eyes... and yet still I just want someone else to admit it happened... someone else to KNOW it happened!
I feel so filthy when I have so many thoughts and even when I get a scolding hot shower and scrub and scrub and scrub until my skin breaks open, I still don't feel clean. I get angry. So angry. I feel so used. So jealous. So guilty. So depressed. So everything. I have to convince myself to get out of the shower. I have to talk or scream to myself aloud just to hear what I am saying over the thoughts in my head.
I need to learn to cope. Not avoid.
I need to be able to deal with the emotions. I need to stop running. I need to face this.
But how can you face something you doubt everyday? Something you can't even remember all the details of because you have blocked them out so much. The only time we find out anything of those memories is when I blurt things out during a flashback. Sometimes it makes things better and sometimes it just makes everything worse.
I need to be able to put things in perspective. I need to find a different environment then the one I'm in. We're hoping to get our apartment soon. I think my mom is going to hold it against me if we don't move back into this house. I miss Nashville because of how therapeutic the setting was to ME. Not anyone else but it was a safety zone for me. I didn't have to worry about if people on the street knew about my past, if they would judge because I did one of my many quirks, and I didn't feel like I was trapped. I was away from the physical settings. I only came back here for visits. But I wasn't running from the past because I TALKED about it.
I feel like I'm so damaged. I always have to wonder why Brett stays with me. Why would anyone want me?! I don't even want to be close to me on most days anymore.
It's not I need to work on this anymore. It's I have to.
I'm going to try working on my workbook before Brett gets home. That way I face my fear of opening it without him around. I need to prove to myself I'm stronger. I can handle this. I can talk myself into waiting for him to get home if I end up wanting to self harm. I'm stronger then this. I need to keep on reminding myself of that.
I'm stronger. I'm better. And as long as I try, I can rise above this.
08:26 Jan 12 2009
Times Read: 1,230
I have to wonder if he knows just how much I miss him when he doesn't call us or when we don't see him.
I have to wonder if he thinks of me while lost in the thoughts of his wife who he told to get out.
I have to wonder why he thinks I'm stupid enough to do the whole "friends with benefits" thing when I have feelings that go above that situation.
I have to wonder a lot of things about him.
I don't like doing friends with benefits.
I told myself I never would do it with someone. Yet what have I been doing?
Two guys, two threesomes with each, one of those guys gets kisses out of the "moment" along with hugs, touches, cuddles, and "relationship" type things.
I have to wonder what were they to me? I don't look at them as friends with benefits, but I'm wasn't and I'm not with either.
I have to wonder then, what were they to me?
This has been bothering me lately. I can't seem to get it off my mind. Chris had a date on Saturday that he didn't get to go on. I caught myself pumping Brett for information. I was happy and thankful his plans fell through. I was jealous when I first found out he had the date planned.
What is going on with me? I think I need to stop with all the sexual things until I find me again. I want to do this. I like when it happens. It feels incredible to be lost in that moment and so vulnerable. It excites me to be lost and looking over and seeing Brett watching and enjoying. The whole idea of it excites just as much as it happening.
I'm going to work on me though until I'm comfortable doing things like that again. I'm acting all "weird" around Chris now he knows I like him. It's the typical girl reaction I thought I left behind in high school. Nope, I didn't. I don't plan on seeing him for a little while though, not even to play Dungeons and Dragons.
I want to work on my workbook at least twice a week or when I can. That's my goal for now. I want to show myself I have my determination and will power still. I want to know I can devote my time to something and keep my "dates" with it. I want to feel committed to something other then to Brett and being a mother.
I want more out of life then this. The first step to that is getting better. I have to wait on the doctor appointments to get on medicine to help me with my anxiety but that doesn't mean I can't work on the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the thoughts. I just need to talk to Nancy later today about me being willing to call the crisis line if I need to. I need to learn to ask for help when I need it. I need to start calling friends or talking to them on here if I need someone to talk to.
Caitie and Brett, you two might be getting an earful. Adam, I might start talking to you about my past again too. I need someone I trust. You three are the ones I can do so with the most ease.
I wish so much I could still talk to Jared and Courtney about these things. Jared has his own problems with being diagnosed with TB and all. Courtney has her own problems with trying to get a seeing eye dog and getting into college. Plus she just doesn't understand. She can't understand my past. I've tried to explain my thoughts to her before and even what happened. She can't see past certain things.
But the one thing I'm sure of... I need to start talking. If I can't talk, then type.
And the enter button rule so applies to this!
... I think I'm going to get some exercises done in my workbook until it's time to wake Brett up in about 30 minutes.
19:37 Jan 11 2009
Times Read: 1,238
I'm kind of proud of myself today. I actually worked up the courage to start working in my workbook last night. I was crying after about 30 minutes. I feel a little bit better though. I don't like facing reality of it all and the workbook forces me to do that while I'm working through the exercises. I'm wondering if I'm going to stick with it or chicken out again.
Brett and I talked about our relationship some too before going to bed. He's getting a little upset with me because I want him to get up and move some.
I don't know whether the talking really helped or not. It doesn't seem like it today. It seems like he has fallen right back into the routine I've seen him in for over a month now. He's feeding his own depression. He denies it but I know it.
I love him and I want to be with him. That's not enough anymore. There needs to be something done.
He has his assessment on the 14th. Three days after today. I'm hoping they get him into a therapist and psychiatrist fast so he gets the help he needs. If he does, maybe I'll start feeling like I exist in this house again...
Wow, that sounded selfish. I guess it is...
Thoughts of Tonight
07:28 Jan 10 2009
Times Read: 1,250
Something is really up with my sleep patterns. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to talk to my doctor about it when I see him. Or the psychiatrist if I ever get to see him...
At least Aurora is actually sleeping pretty good tonight. Brett's not tossing and turning either. I have him sleeping downstairs on the other couch. Aurora's upstairs in her crib. I can hear her if she cries, even if I do finally get to bed.
This silence at night is giving me time to think some things through. It's also giving me time to pick up my love of watching movies. I watched one with Brett before he went to bed. It was pretty good. The one I'm starting to watch now is nothing but subtitles. I'm wondering if I'm really up for it tonight. It looks really interesting though from the beginning. If I don't finish it tonight, I'll put it on my list to watch later on.
I still need to pick up my workbook. I don't care to start working on it at night though. It adds to the nightmares. They become more vivid. I want to work on it during the day but I can't seem to find the time. Looks like tomorrow I am going to have to make the time, huh?
As for my nightmares, they seem to be dying down some since my rant on here. I think one reason why I'm having problems sleeping since that night is I'm honestly afraid of going to bed. I'm afraid of what I will see, the sounds I will hear, the emotions to come back, and worse yet the thoughts. I think I really need to start being open with my therapist about just how much the past effects me and my life.
I remember one time in Nashville when I was hiding in the closet and scared to death that something "bad" was going to happen to me. All I could really repeat in a whisper to Brett when he tried getting me to come out was "She's going to find me. You can't let her get me. I don't want to bleed again." I remember him and our roommates telling me about that night. I remember how lost I felt because I didn't remember most of what they said happened.
There are times when I don't even seem to be myself. I'll become trapped in a memory and my behavior will reflect it. I will talk to people who aren't there. I will see people who aren't even around this area anymore. I'm myself, but not. I explained this to my therapist... well Brett did more then me because he was worried about it. She told us it has to do with the past and it's effects on me. It happens a lot more when my nightmares pick up or when I'm under a lot of stress.
I don't want it to happen anymore though.
I want to be normal.
I talk to myself. I will actually hold conversations with myself. I've done it since I was little and it helps me work through problems. I used to get punished for it all the time in school when I was younger. I still get really weird looks when I do it in public. I try to catch myself before anyone hears me though. It doesn't always work...
Yeah, this turned in a really big rant for me. It's not something emotional, just thoughts I'm having at the moment. I don't know where a lot of them come from. I know a lot has to do with my insecurities about myself though. I don't like me. If I could I would probably change a whole bunch about how I behave. I wonder how much of my life would change if I did that though?!
Oh and Chris, the guy I started having feelings for... well, he's going on a date tomorrow night with a woman he works with. I'm so flippin' jealous. I feel horrible because I'm hoping Delilah falls through on watching the boys for him tomorrow night so he can't go. It's really getting to me. I wish Brett wouldn't have told me. Now that he has... I'm going to be most likely dwelling on that a lot. I feel like I shouldn't even go around him anymore because no matter how this situation turns out, I'm going to end up getting hurt. Hell, he doesn't even know I had a relapse. He's the one who said he couldn't have that in his life. I could so just make it easy for him and stay away.
God, I'm going to watch my movie now before I get emotional. *sighs* I need to stop thinking too much about certain things. I need to accept I can't change how people are, think, behave, or feel. I really wish I could though...
07:40 Jan 09 2009
Times Read: 1,259
I can't sleep. It's 2:38 in the morning and I can't sleep. I have to be up at 4. Nice, real flippin' nice!
I'm using the time to watch movies and clean. There's really nothing else I can do. I can't do anything that involves too much noise. Aurora is finally asleep and Brett's been asleep for hours now.
I feel alone. I feel kind of depressed but content.
What is going on with me?
The Day After
21:15 Jan 08 2009
Times Read: 1,270
I'm doing better then last night. My last entry has caused some concern in my friends. I typed that entry with my eyes closed for most of it. I was upset. I was at an all time low that I haven't been at in a while. It all concerns my past. I needed to get it out and I know it that's why I typed last night. I'm glad I typed. I still need to read the entry myself to remember what all I typed but I probably won't for a few days.
But I am better today... not thinking as much about the past, not as stressed, and not dwelling on things. I'm sitting back while Brett is taking care of Aurora and is doing the dishes. I'm watching some movies.
I got my period today. It's a relief though it's painful and the cramps are getting to me. It's late by almost two weeks. We were worried I might be pregnant. Seeing the sight of blood today was a relief and a burden in the same. I think only another girl/woman is going to understand that.
I also made a decision to start working in my workbook again. I stopped a while ago because it scared me to try to work through the past, the memories, and to face the fact that it all happened. I want to pick that book back up again. Feel that comfort again.
I'm going back to my movie. Later.
06:36 Jan 08 2009
Times Read: 1,276
I feel like a little girl right now. I feel so scared and desperate that I'm hiding under my baby blanket curled up on my couch sucking my thumb at times trying to calm myself down. I can't do this I need to be up in the morning but right now every time I close my eyes I see her. I see him. I can't get htem out of my mind. My mom doesn't even know about him m,ost people don't. A couple of my friends who are close do, my therapist Nancy Brett of course, and my grandmother. My family just denies what has gone on right before their eyes they deny everything they know. My mom says her and my dad suspected that something like that was happening yet they didn't stop it! What the hell? I can't imagine ever doing that to any child let alone my own. I hate myself for keeping everything in but I hate myself when I talk about it even more. Did it even happen? My mom acts like it never did. She told me I just need to get over it. That's she's gone through something "like that" well yeah, I doubt it. She has denial brainwashed into her I guess. No matter what I do or try I can't escape the memories. Brett isn't even him at times when we're having sex. He's HIM! I hate not even being about to see THE ONE I LOVE instead of the one who hurt me. I feel so horrible because of some of the things I request him to do like choking me and tying me up a certain way. It helps me but hurts me all the fuckin same. I even yell at him when he doesn't do it right or doesn't make it seem real enough for me. I ahte the flashbacks I have. I hate it all. I don't want to remember . I hate iot. I fuckin hate it~! This is one of those times where I want to start cutting or hitting my head against the wall until I can't remember the memories for a little bit of time. I can't stand this. Brett wnated to know why I never wanted kids when growing up..... It's because I never want to see my own child go through something like I did for a year and a fuckin half of their liffe. I would never forgive myself. Godd, I'm thinking about calling the crisis line thing that my therapist gave me but I can't find the phone and I don't wanna talk to a stranger right now. I feel pathetic. Right now I want to relive what happened yet I'm too scared tpo do anything about it. I always lock up those thoughts these thoughts I'm having right now. I'm jealous of the people they have right now because it's not me. I'm not good enoughf or them to love anymore for them to hurt anymore. I want that pain back and they won't even give it to me. For fucks sake what the hell is wrong with me that I want that pain that I want it all to repeat what is wrong with me. I hate this I hate myself I just want it to stop, I want this to stop and it won't I know that I can't stop the nightmares let alone the thoughts that come and go every day I dwell on it. I know I do. I just don't want to be alive anymore
Adverts
03:36 Jan 08 2009
Times Read: 1,284
The ads will NOT leave me alone! It's driving me insane because I'm watching a movie and every time I try to check my messages or see who is on it's another ad.
What the hell?!
I'm logging on through the Sci-Fi section right now. There's no ads on my screen.
There is definitely no ads coming up every damn click I make!
I really don't want to stay away from VR because of this one problem. The ads that are coming up are stupefying (that spelling looks really wrong to me!) Firefox and Chrome! It's also freezing our laptop... that I can't deal with!
I'm probably bailing for the night! I'm hoping to check in on my coven's forum before I go to bed though...
*makes a wish!*
Frankie or Count, if you guys read this... make a post or something so other members know that I'm having some um issues with the site... Thank you!
Blah
05:55 Jan 07 2009
Times Read: 1,292
I warned Brett I didn't feel good before we went to bed. I didn't have a fever or anything else.
I just ended up running down the steps to make it to the bathroom before puking up my guts. Nice to know my legs were so weak and me being half asleep I hit the wall at the bottom of the steps.
Now after my stomach and bowels are as empty as they can possibly get... I'm trying to sleep again.
Downstairs...
Away from my Brett Brett and daughter...
Alone...
With Scooby Doo playing on the television...
*sighs* I wish I could find my kitty outside...
17:04 Jan 05 2009
Times Read: 1,304
I just got out of the shower. My camera is completely dead and now on charge. I have pictures uploaded of the boys and Chris. Maybe I'll post some on here.
I'm getting ready to go upstairs and get Aurora since she isn't going to take her nap. I'm thinking of letting her watch the Barbie movie my mom got for her though while I start on the tree.
It means I have to move the pack-n-play once again. I've moved the thing over ten times in the past four days. She likes being in there instead of the walker at most points of the day when I'm working on house work. She hasn't been wanting me to put her on my hip today... which is a good thing!
I'm hopefully running away from the computer again! LOL! And staying away?
16:27 Jan 05 2009
Times Read: 1,307
I want to talk to him but he hasn't e-mailed me back. I wonder if I should call him and get him to get online when he's off work so we can talk? Maybe I should just rant somewhere else or in here as a private entry.
I'm thinking of sneaking off and getting a shower while Aurora is upstairs taking her nap. I'm also thinking of taking some pictures of myself today.
I want to paint my nails but I need to get things done. LOL! Maybe when Brett gets home I will do the whole girly thing.
As for me and him, we're doing better. He's starting to get into the habit of the way Aurora and I do things during the day.
I'm looking to get the rest of our blinds in the kitchen up today and get the Christmas decorations down. I don't know if I'll get it all done.
I'm getting offline for most of the day now. I just don't care to be on here...
And I love my coven member! There's a thread of why they hate me! LOL! It cheered me up nicely!
19:16 Jan 03 2009
Times Read: 1,320
I just had a relapse. I killed Ana, Asta Dagmar, and Twirls.
I'm a bad Tiffy...
I feel like crap.
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