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By the time the day is over, I'll have well over 200 cookies. Brownie bites, coconut candy cookies, chocolate chip, peanut butter blossoms, and coconut macaroons. I'm tired.



At least I'm getting laundry done while doing all of it.



Oh and I must find the time this evening to make a chocolate pie for my Uncle Tommy. =]



There's a lot of different smells coming from our kitchen and it's all so yummy.



Oh and I'm happy. So happy! Six years looking for the recipe for those coconut candies and all I needed was to ask Brett's dad. I feel silly.



Aurora is driving me up the wall. Last night she stole the cat into her bedroom and was whispering. Well, I listened in and it turns out she was bribing the cat to stay awake on Christmas Eve to watch out her window for Santa. And if she woke Aurora up before Santa made it down the chimney, she would get a can of tuna.



I went looking at our cabinet in the bathroom. Sure enough, there was one can of tuna missing!



I searched her room and it was hidden under her bed.



Upon asking her how she was going to open it for the cat... "Well, Santa would have been here and could have helped the cat with that one. I can't use the opener. I told that to Shadow."



Yeah, my work is really cut out for me tonight. XD



My baby is really becoming quite the character. She's been telling Mama and Papa some "good ones" too. O_O



She even terrified Santa this year because of what she told him.



Going back to baking. Later. =]

COMMENTS

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SuicideDoll
12:52 Dec 25 2012

Merry Christmas : )

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POST COMMENT

Right now my chest feels tight when I come onto this site. I always sign in once a day if I'm online.



I hate the feelings I have at times because I don't know where you are. I don't care whether you're there or not just as long as I know. I couldn't care less about the quality of your life, whether you marry, have children, or end up in jail or prison. I just want to know where you are and feel safe.



That's it. I want to feel like I can sleep knowing there's hundreds of miles between us and there's no way you could find you way back to my life whether you wanted to or not.



I both love and hate this site for it represents what has been brought into my life from it. I've met amazing friends, a boyfriend of over six years, and we have a daughter from the relationship we've worked for. Then there's the darker side. Always the darker side is present on this site, there's people I wish I never talked to, there's someone I should have never met, and someone who I miss and wonder about every now and then.



The drama on here drives me away just as much as the tight feeling in my chest and yet, because of the good things this site has brought me, I log on and stay.



After my premium ends, I may disappear. I don't know. It definitely doesn't mean as much to me as it once it and I could definitely deal without reading all the negative things I read and entertain myself with from this site's pages.



I've been struggling within myself. I've been in turmoil trying to forgive. You know what?



Forgiveness is harder than anything I've ever, ever tried to do in my life. It's harder than surviving. It's harder then overcoming the worse fears I've ever felt.



I have to keep telling myself that I am choosing to forgive the actions of other people.



I've met someone.



I admire her.



I can't believe God brought someone in my life that could show me something that somewhat makes sense about the past.



"...and in regards to God, he never abandoned you. He was there. She made the choice to harm you...why didn't he stop it? Because He knew that if she didn't do it to you, she would do it to the person who couldn't deal with it...the person who would slit their wrists...the one who wouldn't be here today. He chose you because you were stronger, and more capable.

This is the only answer I have, because honestly, I have no other.

But really, if it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else, and what then?"



Honestly, no one has ever, ever tried to answer my question of why me or about my concerns of God abandoning me for my sins when I was little.



I was a child. I felt that God had decided to torment me for I had done something so wrong that I could never be forgiven.



I thoughts so many things I now know to be wrong. I thought what I needed to make it through the days.



I need to forgive. I know I do. I put myself through Hell. Even this evening, I fell asleep and woke up screaming from the nightmares that come and go as they please.



I've found someone. I've found someone who has helped me tremendously in one short conversation. I'm grateful for them to enter my life.



I've always known I needed to forgive the persons who had injured me, tormented me, and hurt me so deeply but never before did I try to because I needed to know why. Why me? It's plagued me all my life.



I've always been coping.



Forgiving is going to be a major step for me.



I still see her. I see him almost once every year and sometimes twice. He lives in the area and she does not.



I can do this. I'm stronger then I'll ever understand.



I'm tired of the past controlling my life. I'm going to face this. I'm going to beat it. I'm going to heal and I have no doubt about that.



I'm going to forgive.



I wanted to type these thoughts out in my journal on here because this site has been so much a part of my life since November 2005.



This is going to be a struggle for me. It's not going to be easy. I may not sign on here for days. I think it would be better if I didn't.



I'll check in, I'm sure. But for now, later.



Sorry Frankie, I always feel horrible for not spending much time at your expense. XOXO

It always makes me wonder when I see your profile name in my journal. O_O I always wonder if it's you or her checking up on me.



It's not like I do much of anything right now. I've stopped posting huge-ish things in here.



I'm on my UF. That's where you should go to find out how I'm doing anymore. LMAO!



Anyways, I hope everything is okay with you! *waves* Hi again!



I'm pulling an all nighter. I'm making pumpkin pies for Brett since his surgery went okay and he's eating stiffer things now. I'm cleaning my kitchen and living room thorough so I don't have to worry about most of it. XD That way I can spend more time with Princess Aurora and my Brett Brett the few upcoming weeks.



I promised Aurora we would make cookies and other things so I want to get most of the cleaning out of the way if possible. =]



But anyways, one night is a small price to pay to spend more time with Aurora and Brett. ♥



Definitely worth it.



And it allows me to listen to my music, dance like a dork and get the mundane cleaning like washing counters, mopping, washing appliances, etc. done without Brett in my way since he can't do anything outside and a five year old trying to help with everything. Bless them!

Today has managed to go from hectic to hectic and extremely stressful. O_O



At least even though Aurora didn't sleep much last night... I decided to wake Brett up at 4:30 am to take over watching her so I could sleep.



I only got about 4 hours but it's a lot better than no sleep the night/day before.



I'm exhausted.



Today is going to end up being more productive even if it doesn't want to be. I'll beat it into shape, damn it.



I don't know if I can see the light at the end of this tunnel but maybe if I keep myself from stopping for too long, I'll get to where I can see it.



Just maybe.



I'm writing another entry but it's in WordPad right now since it's going to take me a long while today during breaks to write it out.



I hate how I have so much to say right now but can't form the words to get it the hell out.



Back offline for me and to doing dishes. =[ I hate dishes more than anything, I think.

COMMENTS

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xxEmaeraldxx
08:54 Dec 06 2012

Ah poor baby.. Get some rest x

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I can't explain what you do to me. Yesterday definitely opened my eyes some. I talk to you every few months. It's like I put space between us because of the attraction that's been there for a little over five years. Five long years.



Yesterday, I logged on to FaceBook and saw you needed me. My heart sunk. It wouldn't load our past messages for me to get your phone number. I couldn't find it anywhere. Aurora erased it out of my journal, along with some of my words. And it was no where. All the lists and notebooks from Nashville, I've thrown out for the most part. The ones I still have didn't have the number I needed.



When Brett got home, I was a mess. He could probably tell I was crying. Knowing a person I care about deeply needed me and not being able to find the phone number to call.



Aurora hasn't slept at all tonight. I've been up with her, of course.



Lack of sleep and lots of time has given me too much to think about.



I've had this feeling for a long time that if I needed you, I know you would come here.



Heck, you're wanting to give me the money to rent a car to come see you with Aurora and Brett just so we can hang out and do whatever.



But I honestly don't know how to handle that knowledge anymore. There hasn't been many people in my life that would drop things to make sure I was okay.



It's horrible. I don't even know if you know what bothers me so much. I can't remember telling you but it seems like you already know on so many different levels.



I know I could fall for you rather easily. I think that's why I put some space between us all the time but you always know if you need me, I'm right there.



This entry is everywhere. I have a ton more to say but don't know how to put it all into words.



You make me feel special.

You make me feel wanted.

You make me feel like I can be that person I was years ago once again or better.



I have to say, you telling me that you may wake up one day and decide "today, I'm going to Ohio" made me realize just how much I miss hanging out with you and you showing up at our apartment at random times.



I miss Ihop and weird discussions.



You said I'm one of your friends who are there for you without asking anything in return. We've never borrowed money off of you even knowing you have it if we/I need it. Friendship isn't supposed to be like that and yet, I, myself, have had so few friendships like that where nothing else was needed, but support and open arms.



I love you. As a friend. As more. I don't know.



I'm confused when I think about us. I get confused when I hear your voice.



And not being sure if I've ever told you about what happened to me in the past makes me afraid. I feel like if I tell you, it'll change everything. You'll hate me. Stop talking to me. Yet, I'm the one that disappears most of the time when we start talking.



I know that when I've been heartbroken, you were the first person I wanted to call.



It's weird, you know? You said if I wasn't with Brett, you would be chasing me. You always have flirted with me. And yet, if I was with anyone else other than him, you would be after me. Not many people I know would even admit that.



But then again, I probably admit a lot of things I shouldn't to, huh?



*yawns* I'm so exhausted. Aurora is finally asleep and I can't get Brett's butt out of bed. And so my day starts. =] I hope you're having a much better start to the day then me. *huggles*

I hate how much I think about things from back then. I hate it more and more each time. You mean nothing to me now and yet I still think about some of the things you said to me, your tone, your actions, and the atmosphere of it all. I can't believe how stupid I was to believe anything that came from it all.



How do I know I don't care? It's simple. Yeah, I know she's pregnant and I really don't care. When I was told Britany was pregnant (even though she wasn't). I flipped. I grew more jealous than I have ever been in my life. So if I still cared about you, I'm sure I would have felt something.



I know I'm far from being over Tommy, whether I want to be hung up on him or not. It's not like I would jump his bones even if I had the chance. I'm not stupid enough to ever meet up with to catch up to let anything happen since he does have a wife. At one point I was foolish enough to think about that but never planned it out.



I know I'm hung up a bit on another guy but that's because I didn't keep my promise to him after reading his name on a list of ones passed then talked to him while in Nashville. I was so happy to know he was alive. Yeah, I'm hung up on him too.



But you, no, I'm not. I'm sure of it. I'm done with it. I have too much to deal with than trying to be your friend when I don't care anymore.



I probably think less of you than I do other people and I can honestly say I always think the worse of you and I'm sure I'm right.



I'm done with this subject. I'm finished with you. Yeah, I just read your journal a couple of days ago so that's what brought this up.

I'm tired, beyond tired. Our freezer will be full before long. I ended up getting a doe today on my stepdaddy's property. He's going to help me cut it and my mom's going to help me wrap it so I don't need to take it to the butchers.



I'm happy. Beyond happy. =]