Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
24 entries this month
Pretty? Me?!
19:34 Dec 31 2008
Times Read: 954
I'm thinking of creating a portfolio on here finally since the wipe of them all. If I do, it's going to be of all the pictures I like of myself.
I just took some more pictures and uploaded them to the computer. I really like a few of them and they look really good.
I always look at pictures I take of myself to show myself I am pretty. I'm not ugly. I have a glow when I'm happy and you can tell when I'm sad.
I think if I did create a portfolio on here... I would be the number one visitor! LOL!
11:20 Dec 31 2008
Times Read: 959
I really need to update my profile yet again. I also need to decide what I'm doing with the $50 credit in the VR store that I won. I'm going to talk it out with Brett tonight. I'm placing most of what's on my profile in the appropriate section of my journal though because I don't want to just forget it all or not be able to look back on it and read again and again.
My Christmas wish was to remember about my daddy. I can remember a great deal more then what I could. It's not as much as I would like but I'm still working on it through daydreams, writings and thoughts.
00:02 Dec 31 2008
Times Read: 963
There's been a squirt!
That is all...
Friends With Benefits?
20:13 Dec 30 2008
Times Read: 966
I'm trying to catch up with all the messages I've gotten from people during the past week and a half. I have about five more messages to get done. I'm not sure I'm going to bother right now... not because I'm avoiding those people but I can't concentrate on different things.
My therapist says part of my post traumatic stress syndrome from things that have happened is the fact that I'll literally act like I'm a child again. Brett had to talk me into coming out from under the kitchen table last night. He ended up convincing me to with our cat.
This past week has been confusing. Brett and I ended up having a threesome with another guy. I had a flashback during the second time it happened. I don't even know what happened to set it off. I can't remember what happened right before it. I ended up passing out because of hyperventilating. That's the second time that has ever happened though.
On top of all that, I talked to Brett about my feelings towards the other guy. They are there even though I don't want them to be. I mean, he has enough on his mind and so do we without me making everything more complicated!
I have a lot to think about now. He doesn't want anything serious and I hate the concept of friends with benefits. Which do I settle for? Right now, I'm thinking just friends. If it goes further, I'm worried about me becoming too attached or reading into things way too much.
I don't know how this is all going to work out. I still need to talk to him when we find the time to go see him next. I guess that's when most of this will get sorted out.
04:48 Dec 30 2008
Times Read: 974
He knows I like him. He knows I have feelings for him. I just want to hide.
15:06 Dec 22 2008
Times Read: 995
Should I spill or should I keep it all to myself? LOL! I'm thinking of deleting my last journal entry but the enter button rule states otherwise. The whole situation wasn't really what it seemed to me though. I took it all the wrong way and I came to that conclusion on my own. I will say this much... I can't really think clearly this morning. We drank plenty of alcohol, we watched movies, talked D&D, Brett and Chris played some M:tG, and I ended up having a pretty bad flashback when Brett was fucking me in the ass. I don't remember everything about it. I don't know what set it off. *yawns* I've only had so much sleep since yesterday morning, about a couple of hours, maybe three. We're watching the three boys today until about six this evening. A newborn, a one year old about a month older then Aurora, and an almost three year old... along with Aurora. Someone help us! LOL! I have a monster hangover and Brett's stated he's going to be watching the kids for the most part today. I don't know if we're staying the night again or what...
I have good news though. I'm getting an MRI done on my lower back tomorrow. After that, I'm probably going to see a Neurologist. I'm hoping they find whatever is going on with my back and legs with this MRI. I let my mom know about my muscle spasms I have been having and she told me I really need to explain to the doctor about them. There's starting to pain with them though. I see him again in about three weeks.
PRIVATE ENTRY
22:57 Dec 21 2008
Times Read: 1,005
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
Stressed Much?
17:33 Dec 20 2008
Times Read: 1,013
I feel like I'm getting lost in the stress of Christmas and everyday life.
I'm hoping to write more later when I can find the time.
19:10 Dec 18 2008
Times Read: 1,025
People in the family and others have been wondering when I'm going to get Aurora's Christmas pictures done. I guess it's news to them that I was determined to take them myself for once. Brett helped me handle her last night. We took pictures. They look so adorable! Here is only one of them!
Don't be stealing my idea! LOL!
Pictures of a Tiffy20:32 Dec 16 2008
Times Read: 1,039
Since I'm not going to create a portfolio to show five pictures of me and I'm not going to place them on my profile just yet, if I ever do. Here are some pictures I took of me today about an hour ago, if that:
I actually like them a lot. That's surprising!
Christmas Profile
12:47 Dec 15 2008
Times Read: 1,050
My profile is close to being done for the Christmas Profile Contest. I have a one or two more sections I want to add and maybe I'll make a couple more images from the pictures I've taken. I also have to change the text colors yet.
But I'm satisfied with the results. I just wish I could make my avatar better quality but I can't figure out how to since I have to have it either .jpg or .gif. The rest of the images on my profile are .png which is why the text looks crisp as Brett put it last night.
It's horrible that most of what I wrote I did so while crying. At least it's more personal that way for me. It's how I've almost always written my profile on here though since the first time I redid it.
I don't know if I'll finish updating my profile today or tomorrow.
It depends on how much time I have before Aurora wakes up. She was up most of the night from teething. I'm hoping she sleeps some this morning so I'm not fighting her to keep her awake at seven in the evening.
PRIVATE ENTRY
08:09 Dec 14 2008
Times Read: 1,054
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
My Daddy
05:10 Dec 14 2008
Times Read: 1,058
I'm having fun trying to capture what I see with my camera. I'm planning on using nothing but my own photographs I take myself for my profile. I want to enter the Christmas profile contest since I don't have the money for another premium membership so I really would like to win.
I'm also trying to find "My Christmas Wish" that I wrote in grade school to scan and put on my profile.
The only thing I ever wanted for Christmas was for my daddy to get better. I never understood that he could only get worse or die. I still don't understand it in all honesty. He could never have been cured of his "sicknesses" no matter how much I wish he could be.
I want him back. I'm happy he's not hurting anymore though.
I remember every day of his life he was in pain. I don't remember any days where he didn't have any. I remember some "good" days where he had minimal pain with the help of plenty of pain medicine. I remember giving him extra pain pills when he asked me because I couldn't stand him being in pain. My mom did the same for him. It was the only thing we could do other then wait on him almost hand and foot. I never had a problem with it. I stayed home from school some days to take care of him. I skipped out on school things and staying at my friends' houses just so I could make sure he got his pills and shot at night, and just so I could be there to call for help if he fell.
I remember hearing him struggling to breathe. I miss hearing that as horrible as it sounds. I wake up some nights swearing I hear him walking, stumbling, and breathing as he checked on me or went to the kitchen or bathroom. I miss it. I miss him.
This Christmas all I really want is to remember the good times I had with my dad. I want to remember the laughs. I want to remember our talks about politics, war, religion, and everything else under the sun. I want to remember his voice, his smile, the feel of his hug and his kiss on my forehead.
My Christmas wish is to remember everything I can about my daddy.
Blah
03:51 Dec 13 2008
Times Read: 1,067
I hate how I've felt all day and even now. I feel gross. I feel ugly. I feel fat. I hate myself. I hate feeling this way. I just don't want to exist. Sex and a shower just made me feel worse. I want to lose weight. I want to begin feeling pretty again. I honestly don't want to be me but I can't really change that. I'll be damned if my body has to stay this way though.
Tomorrow I'm going to do some me things. I'm going to clean in between.
Hopefully Aurora actually sleeps tonight so I'm not so tired throughout the whole day. Two hours of sleep is not enough to keep up with a one year old.
I'm thinking of asking my Gram to watch her for an hour or maybe an hour and a half. That way I can do things without worrying about when she's going to wake up or whether or not I'm giving her enough attention and everything else that goes through my mind throughout the day.
I'm heading to bed or trying to. Night.
Time to Relax
20:20 Dec 11 2008
Times Read: 1,081
I want to take a hot shower when Brett gets home and relax. I'm tired of trying to get so much done in one day. I want one day somewhere in the week that I can just sit back and watch movies or something.
Anal Anyone?
20:05 Dec 11 2008
Times Read: 1,085
Anal sex is in the news! LOL! I find that incredibly funny!
I love anal sex personally!
I love double penetration even more when I can get it.
And there's nothing like waking up to being fucked!
Nothing like toys, huh?
Don't mind me, I'm feeling really wow today! LOL!
Only 12 hours?!
18:26 Dec 11 2008
Times Read: 1,097
I really don't like the 12 hour log in for 24 hour period deal. I get on here and stay on for over that probably 2 days out of the week, possibly more depending on Aurora and how much things around the house I have to do. But I don't think there should be any kind of time limit on us being on here.
Hell, my parents never limited my time online when I was still in high school.
Cancer, are you my new daddy?!
If so, you're strict as hell!
Looks like I'm going to have to find something else to keep me busy on those two days, huh?
*pouts* It's my two days of relaxing without worrying too much about Aurora. Brett takes care of her and plays with her most of those two days.
Travian here I come!
PRIVATE ENTRY
14:57 Dec 09 2008
Times Read: 1,106
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
Breakfast With A Tiffy!
11:25 Dec 09 2008
Times Read: 1,115
This is a first since Nashville really.
Breakfast in the morning.
I got up with Brett this morning and while he was getting Aurora up, changed, and fed, and then smoking his morning cigarette, I made breakfast for me and him.
We ate together yet again. Joking around. Talking. Spending actual time together.
I think this is what I've missed the most.
We both think we can get into this habit of cooking and eating together. It feels nice.
There have been no arguments at all. There was a little bit of a fight to get him up and out of bed this morning but that's nothing new. He's always been like that before he met me and I'm sure after I'm gone! LOL!
James and Nagey always told me the only way to get him out of bed in the morning is to wave food in front of his face.
I like this though. It feels good. It feels almost normal. It feels like we're trying to be a family and not just two people living together that had a baby together a little over a year ago.
We need this.
It's starting to get easier for us to start talking again. I'm not tearing off his fingernails to get him to speak up! Yay! LOL!
The only thing getting to me is I haven't gotten sex in about a week. It's driving me insane but neither of us have really been well enough to be having sex. That doesn't mean I don't want it though! Damn it!
I can't really complain though because I do have my toys... LOL!
He's starting to feel a little bit better though. He's starting to eat food, drink normally and becoming hydrated, and also sleeping better since we're sleeping together in our actual bed now. And we're not so stressed and worried about our relationship since we've got some hope of saving it over the weekend.
We definitely need some changes and change is definitely good right now!
*Fixed. Happy now?*
Hope
02:50 Dec 09 2008
Times Read: 1,120
Brett and I just cooked dinner together, I made tea with milk for us to drink with our meal, and he washed Aurora's bottles and sippy cups without even being asked to.
This all happened without any kind of argument.
Maybe we are getting better. Just maybe...
This does give me lots of hope though. We need to do it together more often.
In Nashville, we always cooked together and things. We always tried to share the wait of everything, or at least tried as much as possible.
This is a good start to us getting better though. To fixing whatever is wrong with our relationship. To helping each other get better and helping ourselves get better too.
I'm looking forward to Christmas, even though we don't have extra money. I really am.
19:28 Dec 08 2008
Times Read: 1,127
I need to get motivated but it's just not coming to me. *sighs* At least I am getting things done online, especially Travian. I got to read the rant Brett put in the forum there and how the founder of the alliance took it as a personal attack.
At least I'm sadly more happy where I'm at in the lower wing since she kicked me out because of me going yellow.
16:18 Dec 06 2008
Times Read: 1,158
Is it weird that I having the urge to just go out and have sex with someone else other then Brett?
Does that make me a slut?
Easy?
Or just promiscuous?
I have permission to have sex with whoever I want, male or female, as long as I tell Brett either right before or right after. It's a deal that's been on the table since we started dating online.
I've only had sex twice with one other guy while with Brett. He was in the room... watching... and getting turned on all the same.
That was seriously intense!
I want to do it again for sure!
Merry Sexmas!
21:11 Dec 03 2008
Times Read: 1,179
Merry Sexmas to everyone!
Don't ask unless you know me personally!
O.o
Thank you to some certain someones!
Everything at Once
15:15 Dec 02 2008
Times Read: 1,193
I had my first therapist appointment since my stay in the psychiatric ward yesterday. Nancy, my therapist, still thinks I'm agoraphobic but I'm happy they didn't put down that I was. She wasn't happy with the way the one doctor talked about patients behind the nurses' station and in the office either and was planning on making a complaint about it. She called my regular doctor and even though he's never been willing to before, he's willing to prescribe me something to get me to when I can see the psychiatrist on the 29th. That's a big surprise and I'm sure my mom will be astonished by it too! LOL! The one thing that stuck in my mind is Nancy saying I look like another person and there's a glow in my face now.
On Thursday, we visited Courtney for like an hour. We waited for like two for her to come home. I ended up promising her that we would stay the night on Saturday because of it all. After we left there, we went to our friend we haven't talked to since probably March, Brandon's house and I met a guy that has three testicles! LOL! Why am I so tempted to ask him to prove it?! Brandon and Stevie vouched for him... But seeing is believing! O.o
Brett was insanely happy about me suggesting we start playing D&D again when his hours die down some. So basically sometime in January and we can arrange it so everyone can show up.
On Saturday I was sick and puking but we went to Court's house anyway. I wasn't going to break my promise to her that we would stay. We picked up two things of MD 20/20 and a thing of vodka. Brett fixed her computer while we drank the night away. Her brother wouldn't leave us the hell alone and he ended up crying for some reason up in their mom's bedroom. *shrugs* We didn't do anything stupid or get as drunk as we were the last time we did it. But I ended up feeling like I did before I went into the hospital and just wanting to die for no reason. Brett and Courtney calmed me down and the night ended up kinda good. I ended up kissing Courtney. Sad thing is I would have probably gone further then that kiss if it wasn't for the terrified feelings I was having during the night. We ended up leaving sometime after six in the morning though. Brett was the sober one. Poor Brett Brett.
On Sunday, we called my aunt to see if she would still watch Aurora while we went to see Twilight. She ended up telling us to go and get out when we dropped her off. Thank you, Aunt Gina! It was the first date Brett and I have had since Johnny Rockets for my birthday in '06. God, that's so sad! We enjoyed it though! I fell asleep in the car ride back to pick Aurora up, but at least I fell asleep with a smile on my face!
*We need to do that more often! It seemed to help us a lot to go out together on an actual date!*
Today, I've been trying to get motivated to clean. I got the fishes' water changed and his tank cleaned. Aurora's bottles are done. Clothes are folded.
It's sad... I'm still trying to clean up everything Brett was supposed to keep up with when I was in the ward. He told me he was getting it done when he visited me or when I asked about it on the phone. *looks around* Yeah, he did it alright! *rolls eyes*
At least I'm feeling better then what I was. I'm still scared and nervous. I'm still depressed. But everything seems a lot more manageable since the Zoloft is kicking in. I can also concentrate a lot more then what I could previously. I'm not as short tempered either.
The great thing is Brett and I haven't been arguing like we were before I went in. We've still been having disagreements but he even admits they're mostly because of his mood swings now and not mine. He needs to get on something for his depression now. Too bad he won't be able to see anyone until the peak passes by at his work. That won't be until January... *sighs* What's one more month of it, huh?
At least I'm feeling and doing better!
And I haven't been able to find the time to write in here like I've wanted to. I'm going to be trying to get some time at night before I go to bed or early morning or something while Aurora's asleep.
COMMENTS
-
DreamlessNight
23:50 Jan 01 2009
LIES!
Frankie and mee would be the #1!!!