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I'm taken on a lot with writing the book I've decided on doing for Camp NaNoWriMo.



It's about a girl. She's still unnamed. But the beginning of it is based on my past and her decision to escape it is based on what I wish I could have been strong enough to do.



Mr. Bubbles, the clown my daddy got me is in it.

My failed suicide attempt is in it.

Some of the incidents I've talked about are changed.

Of course, names have been changed.

I've also opted to leave out some of the more graphic things like the cheese grater, the bleach/water mix, and the needles.



This is a huge step for me. I feel like I can heal from the past until I find some kind of voice.



This is how I've chosen to get that voice.



I don't plan on letting most people read it. I'll probably change it after the event is over.



At first I had it where the child was sexually abused by her father, like so many are but it felt like a lie to me. I couldn't see writing something like and someone to think my daddy hurt me in any way. He didn't. Whenever I've told someone I was sexually abused as a child by a family member, they automatically assume it was my dad. IT WAS NOT.



I wish I had the guts to have my mother read it and realize how much happened and why I just can't get over it... but I don't think I could do that to her.



I don't know if I'm going to reach the 50,000 word goal but I'm going to try to do it.



I'm pretty proud of myself for getting as far as I have in writing as much as I have.



But gosh, my emotions are everywhere. O_O

So tonight I've decided to participate in Camp NaNoWriMo. =] I'm pretty excited. ♥ I wanted to do participate in November so what better way to prepare other then go through camp? LOL!



Yeppers. I'm going to tackle this.



Maybe I'll keep track of my progress on here too. I don't know.

If/when I go back to Nashville, I think I'm going into the woods at the apartment complex we lived at. Why? Because I buried a black kitty there that got hit by a car. It really got to me to see the poor kitty there on the road with it's intestines across the road. So on the walk back from the grocery store, I got the kitty into some grocery bags and took it home. Poor kitty. No one cared that it was there and several people ran over it's "parts."



I miss going to talk to the kitty in the woods. =[ I miss a lot about Nashville. I miss Anthony and Gary and even some of our roommates.



I hate these moods I've been getting in lately. Some of them are a struggle to get out of.

I seriously can't believe some of the things I've believed over the years. All the stuff people have told me and I just ate it up. I've tried helping people I knew I shouldn't all throughout life.



Now? I'm trying to look out for myself and Aurora.



I've changed a lot since I first joined this site. I joined a little over one year after my dad died. I was in a pretty dark place but not the darkest I've ever been.



This site was my life at times but I never lost touch with real life. I've always been doing things even if they were mistakes and yes, some of them were definitely mistakes.



At this point, I doubt whether I should have left my friends and family to go to Nashville all those years ago. Not because I regret the experiences but because of how many times I've missed out on with those who have passed away since.



There's a lot in my life that I think I would change if I could. I think the number one thing is the abuse that happened when I was a child. Even if it would change me into one of those people I can't stand to be in the same space with, I think I would change it.



I don't know. I'm ranting. There's one decision I found out today that I don't regret making, however I regret the decision to ever let myself get in that situation.



I feel like the crappiest mother at times with how I was and some of the decisions I've made but now is the time to get through that. I am admitting my mistakes and I'm going to get past them because I have no choice but to do so.



Same as the things I would change if I could... obviously I can't so it's something I need to cope with.



These years I've spent with Brett... I can't help thinking I should have spent them with my best friends. Two are dead and the other would choose death over living if it knocked on his door.



Man, how things have changed.



I miss myself.

I miss my friends.

I miss the crazy times we had.

I miss the relationships I used to have.

I miss feeling like I don't need a censor.



I guess I miss more than I'm grateful for.



The one constant thing I wouldn't change about my life? My daughter. I think that's how it should be.

COMMENTS

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SuicideDoll
03:53 Apr 03 2013

It really can be a strange experience when you are a member of something like a website for such a long period of time to look back at what has happened and how you possibly have changed over the years (especially when you have written word of some kind - i.e., a journal - to refer to).



I sort of know what you mean: VR used to be a huge part of my life as well. Now ... not so much. I don't really look at it as a bad or good thing - it just is what it is, I suppose.



Best wishes, as always.

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POST COMMENT

Tonight I'm over thinking a lot. It's insane to think how fast things are moving and yet they seem to be at a standstill. Brett and I are planning on him moving out in about 6 months but there's nothing set in stone. I have all kinds of appointments that will be coming up in the next month and I have no clue on what days. I'm calling the office later today to see if Joyce sorted it out or not since I have to either have my car or see if someone else can take me. I'm thinking of going to TN on a visit to get away for a weekend even though it wouldn't go over well with my family. O_O Oh well, maybe they would get over it and maybe not. Heck, my mom knows that Brett and I have ended so why should I really care right now about the rest of my family.



I'm so tired of sleep deprivation since these past few nights, I've been lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep. So I'm pretty cranky and my body seems sore. If it wasn't for Uni right now, I think I would be going crazy.



What am I talking about? If it wasn't for Uni, Frankie, and Anthony, I think I would be losing it.



Brett and I have been getting along better since I ended things but it doesn't mean I'm eager to get back together with him. I still don't see it happening in the future but that doesn't mean I don't want it to.



He's getting back on his medication and trying a new one for his ADHD. I'm sure it will help a lot with his moods and hopefully make him less robotic like.



I really want to go see Jared some time this week. I think I should pick up "The Little Mermaid" or "The Lion King" and go over there with some pizza and whatever else. Yep, that would definitely remind me of old times of him and I lounging on each other at Kristina's house trying to escape the past. I miss hanging out with him tons.



Oh and I need to find out when his birthday is for sure. I know what I'm getting him.



I'm going to buy him a digital frame and put all the pictures I have of Courtney on it for him. =] I know he's the only one who misses her like I do, probably even more.



I think him and I need to go drinking at some point. I know I'm going to kidnap him like I used to in high school and bring him out here to hang out and play games and whatnot.



*sighs* I can honestly say I used to want to date Jared. I crushed on him all through high school and the summer after... but I encouraged him to be with Courtney because they were so perfect for each other and I don't regret it. He made her happy and the other way around. I don't think him and I would ever work out even though we ground each other quite a lot. But I do know we need to get that closeness back. I miss someone knowing what I'm thinking by just looking at me. I miss someone understanding those darker thoughts that I have without me even speaking and just knowing what to say to keep me from doing something stupid.



I need sleep. Hopefully Aurora will go to sleep soon so I can. I'm getting hungry and gosh, it's such a huge NO to eat during the night from talking with my doctor but damn it, I'm tempted because the water is not helping my appetite this time. =[