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I'm crying right now. I feel grateful and guilty all in one at the moment. When my dad died, I wasn't home. He made sure I went to school that morning. His cane was found in my room on the floor where he dropped it and continued to struggle to his bed to give up.



I don't really know what his last moments were like. I know Nala Cat was with him.



I remember everything about that day. I can literally replay it in my head like it was yesterday. That's not normal considering it was seven years ago. I'm not supposed to remember every little detail.



I'm supposed to be able to let go of the guilt I feel for leaving when he made me and obviously didn't want me there.



He wanted to die alone. He made sure of it. I know he did.



But I feel grateful I wasn't there and guilty. I read the journals, blogs, and postings and hear other people about their memories of their dad dying in front of them or finding him. That wasn't me.



I can't connect with any of you on that level. There's other things about that day and the weeks before that are different just like everyone else' experiences are different too.



But I can say with certainty I wouldn't have been able to do a damn thing.



It has taken me SEVEN YEARS to cope with that little detail about that day. If I was there, I wouldn't have been able to do anything to help him. He wanted to go. It was his time. If not October 13th, it would have just been another day soon after and not on his terms but other people's. That would have been in so many ways disrespectful of a man I admire, love, and miss every day.



God, I wish that recording was still on the Gateway of him and I talking about the Vietnam War. Just to hear his voice, it would mean the world.



I came on here to update what was going on with Aurora and me. We're getting ready to use Photoshop together for a contest we're entering on another site. I read TheGreenLady's journal entries again. I wish I could give her all the comfort in the world even though I know when I lost my day, words could only let me know people cared. I wish you the best TheGreenLady. I really do.

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Levity
12:58 Apr 28 2012

Death touches us all in different ways; and to expect your experience to be even vaguely similar to someone else's is not realistic at all.

Some situations are indeed similar; Ali and Courtney, for example.



But never expect yourself to feel how other people do, or how they felt when they lost someone of a similar connection to you.



Some of the elements are common - the guilt, the relief, the anger, the overwhelming sadness.

But in the end, the death of someone you care about and admire should instil your life with new urgency.

Let it change you and show you the little things, the things you'd often miss, and the things that make life truly worth living.

Knowing someone has come to the end of their time here should help you use yours more wisely.



My experience recently of losing my Grandma has been a very strange one. Last night I walked past that street (her house was right at the end, on a corner) and her house has been boarded up. That made me a little sad, and I felt the sudden pang of guilt that I hadn't been there; not for her death, her funeral, or any of the other services held for her.

That said, she knew where I was going, and she wished me luck with it and a happy birthday.

What more could I have wished for?

What would my involvement have changed?

Aside from a few things, not a whole lot.



I knew when I left that hospital, that that was going to be the last time I saw her.



And yet I simply feel more determined now and more passionate about life than I ever have been.



Sorry this is such a long comment and I have no idea whether this will bring you any comfort or not; but do read and consider what I've said.



Life won't wait for you.

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SuicideDoll
17:35 Apr 28 2012

I can tell how much your father meant to you not only by how often you write about him, but also from the number of moments like this where you think of him and the day he passed away.



You are right: Everybody's experiences are different. And based on what you have shared about your father, I'd say you are also correct that it was appropriate for him to depart this world on his own terms.



Although I can't relate personally to what you speak of (my father and I have never been close), I do sympathize with you and am sorry the memory haunted you for so long. I'm glad you appear to finally be finding peace with it all.

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I want to change something in the current situation and yet, I've tried to tell him we need to talk... it just got put off. Hmm. Damn it. I'm frustrated and feeling mixed about the situation.



I want some change. How badly do I want it is the question though. How badly?

Aurora just opened the last two of her unopened Christmas presents... other than the scooter and easy bake oven. O_O I'm glad to finally be done with that. She's got everything from Easter for sure. She just got so dang much for Christmas that it was overwhelming for her. I had to let her pick out the toys she wanted every couple of days she's been good and now they're open... finally!



*yawns* I've got a lot to do today. I want to reorganize the kitchen. I'll worry about the food cabinets later but I can't find where Brett puts stuff when he sets it on the counter or otherwise. Butthead. I do it too though. Aurora moves my pots and pans also. She dented my roaster. Little miss attitude. The cat supposedly did it according to her that day and she got in trouble for lying.



I want to make some more egg salad for Brett to eat since his tooth is bothering him. I also want to possibly make some macaroni salad. Depending on Aurora's level of help. I don't want her coughing everywhere since she's sick, obviously.



Maybe I'll make a ham and do some potato soup tomorrow or on Sunday.



I love that boy. Gosh, I guess it's showing to him when I'm trying to rearrange most of our eating around his sore jaw/tooth. I can't wait until he has that appointment on Monday.



My child is going to be upset though. She loves cooking. Literally *loves* helping me in the kitchen. She's good at measuring for the most part and somewhat good at being patient (unless it is ham). She just doesn't understand she can't be breathing, coughing, sneezing, or touching everything when she won't wash her hands repeatedly after covering her mouth. Hmm.



I may end up taking her in. She's wheezing some this time. She's thrown up three times. I feel bad for her. She doesn't really want to eat. She's just not herself.



I feel bad... I can get more done than usual. Which makes me kind of grateful for the lower stress level of no four year old trying to help me every time I turn around... but she's hurting and not feeling well. How can I not feel bad for taking advantage of her down time?



Even with myself not feeling well yesterday and today, I think I would be foolish not to get something done while it's less stressful. I don't even have to worry about her running out the door to see the puppies. That's surprising.



I hope I can take a nap sometime today with her. =) I'm tired and every night it seems to be getting worse with that. But everything else is going good for the most part.

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Levity
03:46 Apr 16 2012

I lol'd at the (unless it is ham) part.



♥

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We lost one of the eight puppies last night during the freeze. =[ Aurora doesn't know yet. Brett went out to check on them and noticed it was really cold about two in the morning. He didn't wake me up. He should have. I would have brought it in to warm in up for the night.



I hate the false warm up that we had. Every thing is having babies... rabbits, cats, dogs, birds, etc. It's horrid. =[



It got to me a little.



Poor Pooch tried to bite me when I took the dead puppy away. She won't eat it. I wasn't going to leave it in the doghouse.



Plus, I don't want something else eating it. Whatever ate the first deceased one before we could bury it... it'll be back looking for food. O_O That's why we have the spotlight on the dog. That's why we've been checking other than low temps at night.



I wish I could harden up like my dad wanted me to when I was little. I never could get used to the dying of the animals when it was their time or something happened.



I just see cuteness. Even skunks, possums, raccoons, etc. are cute to me. I've tamed a skunk, one possum, and multiple raccoons.



My mom and dad drew the line at the skunk and told me if I ever got sprayed that I would live in the basement (dugout basement) with the dog until the smell was bearable. I cuddled with my skunk and it never sprayed me. =] I miss my smelly butt. The neighbor ran him over on purpose because he sprayed his dog that tried to attack him.



Mr. Possum died of rabies. He didn't try to bite me though. He was foaming at the mouth and hissed for once when I went to feed him from my hand. I told my mom something was horribly wrong with him. I miss my possum. She wouldn't let me bury him. She made me let my Uncle come and do it. So impersonal.



My raccoons always got into tiffs with each other over food when there was more than three at once. I would have to go out with more kitty food and pet them to calm them down. Nala defended me once because an unknown one tried to take me on. Go attack kitty!



I love wild animals when I can get personal with them. =]

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darkangelgirl
19:47 Apr 13 2012

loosing pupies so sad i love amimals

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This mommy and daughter are not feeling too well. However, it isn't all bad, I guess. Because of Aurora not feeling good... I'm able to get some cleaning and some holiday (Easter) stuff put away without too much fuss. *sighs*



Poochie had her puppies on the tenth. She had a total of nine pups. The first one did not make it. This is her first litter ever and she didn't know what to do to say the least. I heard her let out a high pitch squeal and headed outside. The first pup was hanging out up to the front shoulders and she was walking around whining. It took a while to get her to lay down. I had to help her get the pup out... but the neck was broken, I think. I don't know for sure since there was a ton of blood and another pup on the way.



Either way eight puppies alive.



I'm so happy Aurora was with my mom for the time it took me to get her to lay the heck down and mother instincts to kick in.



That first puppy bugs me.



Aurora likes them all. She's calling them Baby Poochies.



There's one in particular that I like really well. We possibly have a home for that one already. =]



Five black.

Two brown.

One white with black spots.

One white with brown spots.



I think those numbers are correct. ^_^ I haven't been bothering them. Aurora petted one long enough for me to show her that the umbilical cord is where the puppies were attached to Poochie and that's how they could grow in her.



The one that's white with brown spots is the one that I really like. I liked it from the first couple of seconds after helping deliver that one. She had some problems with it. It looks so different than the others. The one that comes closest is the white one with black spots and it's face is different.



I'm happy with may have a home for it already. =]



PUPPIES! ♥ Maybe I'll put a picture on here in the next few days. I know I'm going to try to put a picture on my Facebook account for Brett to show to people interested in them at work and his classes.



Other than that, I've been struggling badly with something. It came up in therapy... and it terrifies me. Out right terrifies me. I can't even say for sure what's happened and that scares me more than anything because I can't say anything for sure. I hate myself. I really do at this point.

So continuation of the last entry, the dog being pregnant. I explained it to Aurora, my four year old daughter. =]



It went better than I expected. I wanted to let my stepdad know before I told her. Bless her, she would tell him right away and I wanted to tell my mother first.



I had her explain it to her daddy after too. I'm pretty sure she understands for now. I didn't explain how the puppies come out yet. O_O I'm waiting for that question.



She wanted to feed the puppies pig butt. ♥ Poochie (our dog) gets pig butt. She's a very spoiled dog, even though she's outside.



She knows that Poochie belongs to her. We have to give the baby doggies that are called puppies to other people that will take care of them. She hasn't been as playful because she's going to have babies and can't chase her as much. She got to feel the baby belly. O_o It's big. Since she wanted to feed them pig butt (ham) too, I explained to her that the puppies eat from the things on dog's belly. Those are the dog's boobies. It's called breastfeeding and I breastfed her when she was born for a little while. =] I also explained that it's dog milk that comes out for the puppies and she can't taste or drink it!



The fact that after 20 or so minutes after playing with the dog and in her sandbox she could tell her daddy everything in her own words really surprised me. I just had to ask her what we talked about and when she gave me a puzzled look, I asked her who we went to see. MY POOCHIE! That was enough for her to know what I was speaking of.



I'm glad I had that talk with her. I'm glad she now knows we're keeping Poochie.



Now on to me, I had a really crappy night last night. It started with me forgetting to take two of my medications in when I took my pills for some reason. I went to sleep to wake up a bit freaked out when Brett came in from smoking outside. Couldn't sleep and then when I finally got back to sleep, I had some nightmares and woke back up. It was about five in the morning that I went back to sleep. I'm exhausted.



I'm trying to keep up with Aurora at full speed. Brett got a job doing surveys at a local place and has a shadowing to do today. His number of surveys dictates his hours. I'm hoping he's good at it. I'm praying he took his medications like I reminded him.



While he's shadowing, I'm washing clothes with Aurora. It's amazingly insane how many clothes we go through with the weather right now. It's crazy. Ugh! At least I'm hopefully seeing the end soon. LMAO!



Brett's picking Aurora and me up after his shadowing so we can go to my therapy appointment. She's going to be so happy to see me. Brett was supposed to go to the last one. But yeah, we couldn't go. I can't remember whether I had to cancel or she rescheduled. =[ I can usually remember those things.



I'm hoping to work on things with Aurora today. My anxiety is through the roof. Why wouldn't it be? Aurora's acting out. She's into doing this... "I'm going to the bathroom, Mommy." Then she goes out the kitchen door and disappears. I'm scared to death of her going in the woods.



Hell, she disappeared from the backyard of my mother's house on my stepdad when he turned to get more bread for the birds on the porch. She ran around the outside of the house, across the street (with no shoes and no shirt on) and up to some guy she doesn't know and they don't know with a dog.



She gets almost everything she wants. We go outside whenever she wants. We go for walks if I can handle it with my breathing. We go to the park. We go out. Heck, she stays at my mom's two nights in a row if she listens to them every other week a lot of the time.



She was out of the pooping her panties phase. She was out of the hiding poop phase. She was out of that.



She's pooping her panties again. She's pooping on her bedroom floor, picking it up and hiding it behind her toybox.



No one is hurting her. No one. I know who comes in contact with my daughter. With my past, I'm scared to death that someone will touch her and so I take every precaution to make sure they don't have the opportunity.



Hell, I think that's one of the reasons I'm dragging my feet on Headstart. We qualify for it.



I don't even know what Brett's problem is that after five-eight minutes of talking, he's loosing his attention. It's frustrating me. I'm about to start crying. I can't even really talk to him about one thing, let alone everything that needs to be talked about right now before he looses his place in the conversation.



I need to put more clothes in. Well, probably run Aurora's panties again. Ugh, ugh, ugh! *fumes frustration* Later.

I currently have three hams. I'm going to buy one or two more tomorrow with the current 99 cent a pound price. I can't see paying the nutty prices when Aurora is demanding ham all the time. Ugh!



At least it lasts us a good while... we have ham, ham sandwiches, beans and ham, and potato soup.



I haven't been making beans and ham the past few times. I need to start though. =[



I also got a good bit of pork chops while the price was low this week. I'm putting water in the freezer bags and putting them in the chest freezer today. =]



Yay!



I need to separate the hamburger I picked up yet. I need to get some roasts this month.



I also learned should NEVER let Brett put things in the freezer. He just put them in there without putting them in water and their going to the dog.



Oh, and our dog is definitely pregnant. I'm upset about it.



Aurora wants turkeys and chickens now. Along with the piglets she'll be getting when Papa and Mama move out here.



Yes, she'll help butcher the pigs! That's what SHE wants them for.



She wants the turkey to eat too. But she thinks that Papa would have to shoot it. O_o Not that one of us would cut the head off of it and it would probably run around like that.



She wants the chickens for eggs though. =]



Why do I think we're going to have a farm by the end of her being in high school?



She got to hold a chick today at a store! She loved it! She wants one so badly. Papa said she could have them out here. Mama says "no, they'll shit every where and the dog will get them if she gets loose."



Heh, Poochie, even being pregnant, got herself a rabbit a while ago. I'm pretty sure she was pregnant even then. She's on a chain, the heavy chain my Pooh Bear used to be on since she kept on breaking every chain we bought her... but when she got loose, she went tracking rabbits and almost caught some of them. =] I'm proud of that doggy for getting one even being chained up. Extremely proud!



I need to make supper. Pork chops or steak? Maybe I should wait until Brett's home since Aurora's been every where and anywhere. She seems to be getting her little butt in a little bit of trouble this evening. Running outside without permission or telling me to go see the dog and such. Yeah, another 15 or 25 at the most and he'll be home. It can wait that long to get started. It'll just be late today, that's all.

I just want to stay up all night watching Doris Day. I miss watching her with my daddy. She was one of his favorites and one of mine too. I love her voice.



This week is busy. Ugh. These next few months are going to be busy. Brett's going to be graduating after this quarter. I'm super proud of him for it. The move on the property is finally happening so Aurora's super excited. We're pretty content with it. In reality, it won't really effect us much.



I've still got some Easter shopping to do later this week. I'm not looking forward to it. Aurora's been difficult lately. I've got to go to the laundry mat again this week for blankets and stuff. O_o I've got carpets to scrub if it gets warm enough outside.



Brett's schedule has me pressed for time though. It's driving me crazy. I have to say that for sure. I just feel stressed from it. Ugh! I wish it wasn't so long during the days. I wish that Aurora would straighten up and help with stuff instead of being destructive.



Gosh, I've missed watching these movies. ♥