I am five and I am one
*rolls eyes to self*
So.....I kinda crap out there. This poem is haunting me now! I dont know if Im ever gonna finish this one (but I used to think that about my poem, concrete then it just happened). Dammit..........*growls*
Thats it..................I was in a dramatic mood last night and then it just turned FOWL. What this evening needs is a switch. A little bit of art before bed should do the trick. Music and art. My god, I am sixteen tonight!!!!! YAY!!!!
As I go on and make my plans for the future, I sense that it's always going to be a future of those that I truly love and care for just merely telling me that they love me or even care for me...or whatever the fuck they can think of to say to just make something SOUND sincere. It's amazing what three little words hold. It's truly amazing what those words can do if they are spoken with the meaning they are supposed to have behind them. I am becoming that lost girl again. The one that really doesn't believe that any one person could really truly love another with no catch attached to it. Love doesn't exist.........or at least it doesn't (or probably ever will) for myself.
I have learned what is apparently going to be the rest of my time. Try to stay young looking, always make sure your appearance is tip top (because that's all that matters in the end to EVERYONE anyways, right?), dont get emotionally involved with anyone because they're all out for something (usually with somebody else), be content with always struggling... for anything because you're never going to get it anyways and if you happen to obtain it, it'll be carried away by god's wind very quickly. Never stay in one place for too long because eventhough there is no place like home........you'll never have one of your own with a significant other who is actually happy to see you come to it (or them in...within it).
It's all just a ridiculous void. Life will remain a game of pretend and pretty soon..............I will just pick up and move on like I never even existed again. I wonder though, how many years I'll pick up and move on for this time. With no warning. With no mention of it. Just up and gone...because it'll happen. It always happens. Will it be one year? Will it be two years or three? Perhaps it'll be five or six (by then I'll be REALLY GOOD AND SICK). Oh sure, I might pop into your thoughts for a second or two but the wind will carry me away from your memory...and something (or somebody) pleseant will make you smile and just like that, I am forgotten about. It always does. It's just how it is. It's just...........that easy. It's just how it turns out. It's how it will always turn out.
If it doesn't.................................well then...I guess I'll really be in for a shock. A very special and pleseant shock that I never expected. I hope I'm in for a shock because reality and everything else I have experienced up until very recently has only proven otherwise.
I thought I deserved a little more than this. I thought wrong. I still hope. I still pray. I still long. I still want to be something special and be especially special to someone. JUST ONE some one. So with more time, only time will tell.......
*sighs and attempts to go to bed*
COMMENTS
Your second paragraph and second-to-last paragraph really stood out to me, as I completely feel the words.
I've been going through a turbulent and wrecked (for lack of a better word) time myself lately. Apparently, so have you. I don't what else to say, except that I do hope things improve for you - and while it may take some time, I'm sure they will one day.
What Is Lupus?
Lupus (pronounced: loo-pus) is a disease that involves the immune system and affects about 1.5 million Americans; nearly 90% of those diagnosed with the disease are female. Normally, a person's immune system works by producing immunity cells and antibodies, special substances that fight germs and infections.
But when a person has lupus, the immune system goes into overdrive and can't tell the difference between some of the body's normal, healthy cells and germs that can cause infection. So the immune system responds by making autoantibodies that attack the body's normal cells.
The three types of lupus are:
1. Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (pronounced: er-uh-thee-muh-toe-sus)
Also called SLE, this is the type of lupus that most people mean when they talk about the disease. It was given its name by a 19th century French doctor who thought that the facial rash of some people with lupus looked like the bite or scratch of a wolf ("lupus" is Latin for wolf and "erythematosus" is Latin for red).
SLE is the most serious form of lupus. About 15% of the people who have SLE first start to feel sick when they are teens. SLE can affect the skin, joints, and tendons. It may also affect organs like the brain, heart, lungs, and kidneys.
2. Cutaneous (or skin) Lupus
This type of lupus is a skin disease that causes a rash on the face, neck, scalp, and ears. There are two types of cutaneous lupus: discoid lupus erythematosus (DLE), which can cause scarring; and subacute cutaneous lupus erythematosus (SCLE), which doesn't cause scars. Discoid lupus is a much more rare form of lupus than SLE, although about 10% of people with discoid lupus will develop a mild form of SLE. It doesn't affect other body organs the way that SLE can.
3. Drug-Induced Lupus
This type of lupus is caused by a reaction to certain kinds of medicines. For example, some types of antiseizure medicines and acne medicines can cause this kind of lupus in teens. Drug-induced lupus is similar to SLE in the ways it affects the body, but once a person stops taking the medicine, the symptoms usually go away.
What Causes Lupus?
No one really knows what causes lupus. Researchers think that some people may be more likely to get it due to things that are out of their control, like:
gender: Many more women get lupus than men; for every 1 man with lupus, there are 10 women who have it.
estrogen: This female hormone may be a factor in lupus — almost all women who get lupus are of childbearing age.
race/ethnicity: Lupus occurs more often in African-American, Asian-American, Latin-American, and Native-American women than in non-Hispanic Caucasian women.
family history/genetics: About 10% of people with lupus have a family member with lupus.
major stress or infection: If people have the genetic tendency to get lupus, extreme stress or an infection may trigger the disease — but the blueprint for lupus has to already be there. One thing researchers know about lupus is that it is not contagious. You can't catch any of the three types of lupus from another person. And although lupus involves the immune system, it is not the same as other diseases that involve the immune system, like AIDS.
Symptoms of Lupus and How It Is Diagnosed
Lupus can be hard to diagnose because its symptoms can vary from one person to the next. The symptoms can also make lupus look like certain other diseases. For example, people with lupus may feel weak and fatigued. They may have muscle aches, loss of appetite, swollen glands, and hair loss. Sometimes they have abdominal pain, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting.
The doctor may perform certain blood tests when lupus is suspected and will probably send the person to a rheumatologist (pronounced: roo-muh-tol-uh-jist). Rheumatologists are doctors who have special training in diagnosing and treating autoimmune diseases like lupus.
Because signs and symptoms of SLE can be so varied, a rheumatologist will look for 11 specific signs:
1. malar rash: A malar (pronounced: may-lur) rash appears across the nose and cheeks in the shape of a butterfly.
2. discoid rash: This rash features round, red, scaly patches that can appear on the face, arms, scalp, or ears.
3. photosensitivity: This means sensitivity to ultraviolet rays, like the ones that come from the sun or from fluorescent lights. Most people with SLE are photosensitive and find that the sun worsens their lupus.
4. ulcers in the nose or mouth: These usually don't hurt and many people with SLE don't even know they are there.
5. arthritis: This makes joints hurt, especially in hands and feet. Unlike the kind of arthritis that older people sometimes get, this arthritis doesn't damage the bones. Most people with SLE have some degree of arthritis.
6. serositis (pronounced: sir-o-syte-us): This is the collection of fluid near the linings covering the heart, lungs, or abdomen.
7. kidney problems: These can be mild or severe. Most people with SLE will have kidney problems, but only about half of them will have permanent kidney damage.
8. neurologic problems: This refers to problems with the brain and nervous system, like seizures.
9. blood problems: SLE can cause a lower than normal number of red blood cells (anemia), white blood cells, or platelets.
10. immune system problems: Blood tests may show that the immune system isn't functioning properly.
11. positive ANA test: This is a blood test that shows a certain type of antibody. About 95% of people with SLE have a positive ANA test.
Treating Lupus
The type of treatment someone gets often depends on how severe the lupus is and which body systems are affected. Almost all people with SLE take some kind of medicine to help control their lupus. Patients whose joints hurt often take acetaminophen (such as Tylenol) or ibuprofen (such as Advil or Motrin) to help with the pain.
Others take antimalarial drugs (medicines first developed to prevent and treat malaria, but that have also been found to help treat lupus). Antimalarial drugs often help treat skin rashes and joint pain.
Some rheumatologists prescribe anti-inflammatory steroids, medicines that help fight the fatigue and fever that can affect people with SLE. People with lupus that affects important body organs may be given other immunosuppressive drugs. These drugs help stop the immune system from producing the autoantibodies that destroy healthy cells. These drugs are very strong, though, and can have side effects. So they are used only when it's really necessary.
Living With Lupus
In addition to taking medicine, a big part of treating lupus may involve lifestyle changes. For a lot of people with lupus, paying close attention to certain health habits can help prevent their symptoms from flaring up. Getting enough rest and avoiding becoming too busy or overly stressed are helpful. Eating well and exercising regularly can also help a person avoid a flare.
People with lupus can learn to manage the disease to minimize its impact on their lives. Some teens work with a health care team, getting help from a rheumatologist, a nephrologist (a doctor who specializes in kidney problems), a nurse practitioner, and a social worker. Because lupus can differ from one person to another, the team will create a special treatment plan based on the person's individual needs.
Part of managing lupus is controlling the symptoms and preventing flares. A flare is a period of time when the disease gets worse. During a flare, a person feels much more tired, sick, feverish, and achy than usual, and it can also harm important body organs.
When it comes to staying healthy, sometimes the things a person with lupus doesn't do can be just as important as those they do. Rheumatologists recommend that people with lupus don't spend time in the sun unless they wear lots of sunscreen and protective clothing because ultraviolet rays can bring on a flare.
Smoking, drinking, and drugs are also a bad idea for teens with lupus. Alcohol can throw off the balance of certain medications, a dangerous situation for someone with lupus. Tattooing and body piercing are also off limits because of an increased risk of infection. Infection can be a risk because some of the medications doctors prescribe for lupus suppress the immune system and don't allow the body to fight infections as it usually would.
I guess I often forget that 'others' who can't read people dont understand this and thus, become offended. I suppose when you carry a secret intented to go to your grave and some whimsical creature just happens to figure it out..........the only real reaction is to have is one of two things. Anger or shock. *shrugs*
I often forget this.
COMMENTS
I agree - I don't understand the idea behind bullshitting those close to us. If anything, they are the ones who deserve our honesty the most.
And yes, I imagine those spewing the bullshit become quite frustrated when they are figured out!
Physical pain again and the need to make it stop!
Promises broken
My heart still beating......my heart still bleeding
Wanting
Needing
Missing somebody greatly...
Hard to sleep
Wondering if I will ever find peace
Just wanting to reach out and touch him and to be touched back
Barely breathing
Terrible day
Over worked and little pay
Wondering if I will I ever have my turn?
Wondering how much of my heart and soul will perish and burn
Reaching for the pillow as my eyes flutter shut
It should be you...............but I suppose patience truly is a virtue
That pillow should be you
Lonliness
Isolation
Scared
Sore
Tired
Missing...........
Missing you
Staying quiet
My own little way of dealing with not having you near
So many of my hugs to give
Kisses and touches to share
The fact that you have touched me deeply
Do you ever think the same?
Do you think the same of me...?
*sighs and goes upstairs to that large, cold and empty bed.......all alone*
COMMENTS
Very nice - I think you summed up so much (if not all) of what I feel inside.
COMMENTS
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