DestroyingAngel's Vampire Journal

DestroyingAngel's Journal

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08:39 Jun 18 2011
Times Read: 594

I literally became so worried that I worried myself sick tonight. It's rough. It's getting to me. It's taking a toll on me in almost every way. I long. I miss. I ache and I cry. In fact, I have been doing A LOT of crying. Crying when I'm alone. Crying on the phone. Crying behind my sunglasses when I'm out and about in public. I don't care when or where. All I know is that I must release it. To be free of it. If I don't it feels like it'll kill me. It's such a strange feeling (or strange feelings). I have all this sadness in my heart and in my mind and it's mixed with a little anger too. I don't know what's wrong with me...and yet...I do know.

There's just so much to deal with emotionally and mentally eventhough I understand that you too have your own problems and things that you must deal with. Just when I think I'm gonna catch a break, something else happens...such as a flare up of physical pain (on top of everything else). Does it really have to be like this? Is it always going to be all or nothing from now on? Will I ever have any peace? Will I know what it feels like to be loved again? Better yet...

Will you be there for me when I need you? Will you still love me even if I I'm at my worst? Will you always be my friend and stand by me? Will you never stop loving me unconditionally?

I have so much going on inside.

So very much.

I often can't even think straight (or at least I can't recently). I want to be able to tell you about all of these things that are bothering me! I really do. I want to tell you what is making me cry almost every day (and night) without feeling like a freak. I want to tell you and I don't want to be scared that you won't be around after I tell you these things. I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to be able to close my eyes and take a deep breath. To be able to somehow unburden myself and know that you'll always be there for me. No matter what. I want to be rid of the sadness in my heart. To be free from that anxious feeling that actually physically pains me. I know that can't be good for me either. I wan't to laugh and smile without anymore tears. Not for a good long while at least. I'm really trying. I'm doing the best that I can as best as I know how to...despite the circumstances.

Please know that I am really trying here. That I don't mean to be so.....................................flawed. Please know that.

Please.

COMMENTS

JustinDupree
09:57 Jun 18 2011

Everyone is flawed. Everyone has personal demons. Everyone. If someone tells you they are flaw free? Scar free in life they are a liar. Life has kicked me in the balls many times. Life seems to like doing that. If your friends can't be there for you THROUGH the flaws and scars? Then that's not a friend I want to have. Real friends won't judge you. Real friends give hugs. :)