DestroyingAngel's Vampire Journal

DestroyingAngel's Journal

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8 entries this month

← Dec 2009

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09:08 Jan 31 2010
Times Read: 688

The sadness within is taking a toll. People. It's been a long time since I have wanted to just pull the covers over my head and hope that I will never wake up. No family. Hardly any friends to speak of and no matter how I feel physically, I am needed...for something...no matter how I feel. I want to be numb. I want to be hugged for no reason at all. I want the things that are ALWAYS taken for granted.

I'm the girl who once danced circles around you. Im the girl with the shady past. Im the girl who's had a gun held to her head. Im the girl who had her cheekbone fractured with an, "I love you," behind it. I'm the girl who tries to find humor in almost any situation. Im the girl who is taking each day/night at a time.

Im the girl you'll abandon. Im the girl you might recall from some place somewhere. As of this point....all I can think of is...when I die...I wanna be layed down in my coffin face first. It's easier to kiss my ass that way...

Fuck you sandman for never coming

Fuck you Lupus

Fuck the old biker tribe

Fuck forever

Fuck myself for being so angry!!!

Fuck you (a special male friend) for giving up when you said you never would!

Fuck being sweet

Fuck being nice even when I just don't feel like it!

Fuck human emotions

Fuck you Diana, you failed!

Now that I got that off my chest...*sighs*

I still dont feel any better though. Im not saying I would ever do it....but it's nights like this I can understand why my father killed himself...

Off to that big giant bed alone. I better get used to it too. The world shuts down...I think I will too.

COMMENTS

SuicideDoll
11:45 Jan 31 2010

I'm hearing you here. Hopelessness and a deep sadness within are probably the two worst feelings a person can have. All I can say is try to concentrate on the good things such as those few friends. Sometimes that's all that will keep you sane.

atyourwindow
16:41 Jan 31 2010

*hugs*

11:07 Jan 25 2010
Times Read: 705

Terribly troubled

Confusion

No Trust

Still Hoping

Isolation

Quiet

Sick and tired

Insomnia

Something to smile about

Something to blush over

Closer

Doubt

Never like this before...

COMMENTS

11:32 Jan 11 2010
Times Read: 734

And just like that...

Wow. What do you do when you can't undo? When you can't speak? When you are rendered speechless...when it's not good.

All of these things...

And I don't know if I can even give a fuck anymore.

COMMENTS

10:22 Jan 05 2010
Times Read: 754

We move along. We miss eachother like hell, bite the bullet and bleed wrists for all of our fallen every night. The people in the room next door, the asshole I don't know down the street and somehow there's moments of laughter. Intense joy and somebody else always wants to do or say something I wanted somebody else to say, give or do. I made life's biggest mistake. The deadliest one...assumed. I assumed I would be happy. I assumed I would be okay with you. I had been. I use your name like everybody else's here. Unknowing. One out of many. A trail gone cold in the middle of the night. Something that used to be good, that burned bright. I am hallow for now. Sad face on. The weight of the world upon shoulders and sometimes I don't feel like smiling because, sometimes I suck as much as the 'meanies' or 'assholes' I always wanna pimp slap through a monitor if I could.

If you dont know why I suck, thats more than fine at the moment, and you needn't concern yourself with it too much. But I do.

I do a lot of bitching and venting and seen like I have nothing but selfish thoughts in this head. I swear they're not or supposed to be. They're genuine. I have much I vent and get off my chest which I suppose is easier than just taking an intake of things to be grateful for what I have instead of what I don't.

Im grateful for having a roof over my head still. When it comes up then everyone just shuts up. Sorry if financial burden on top of problems isn't glamorous or is dramtic...but it's real fucking real and real fucking scary to me. I think financial slumps are worst when they keep taking your nightly 'thank you for's and fill them in with more, "Dear (insert saviour name here), please help us to afford..."

That's scary to me. I dont ever remember my prayers being like that. So, I refuse to vent too much lol... because my thankful list is short tonight, but...I still have one tonight. Im thankful for that. Things have been way worse and I don't wanna revisit anytime soon.

I am thankful for my friend no matter how spazzy he can be on here.

I am thankful for where I live and how we've been clever at stuff and have been truly blessed with things too.

I am so grateful, so thankful for finding a very close friend online and off.

I am SO thankful my best friend's daughter was found safe and alive...and the good, 'talkin' to part' came after getting her home safe. This is why I wasnt about to let you even entertain those thoughts. I know that was scary for the both of you and for what it's worth, I prayed like a maniac that she was safe and sound and would return home! This is why we never drop anchor at 'hard'.

Im thankful for the small clique of people in my life.

Im thankful that I've had the ability to keep our tummies full and that we don't go hungry, because....we woulda this week for sure, dayum!

Ah well...starvation was always the best vanity weightloss diet ever! lmao!

What else is on the platter O'Wake tonight...

Intense feelings of frustration and sadness for a very special friend who is never aware of some of the things they say to me, im sure of it. I want to sometimes cry out of how those things slice into me. I never will.

*sighs*

Im getting that feeling. The one that misses. Im also remembering...im alone. Im alone in that bed. Fuck. Okay, this is fun too (sarcastic). Getting used to it. Will never trust again. Getting used to there being space to roll over twice and inhale. Nobody. Nothing. Normal, evidentally. It's just not easy anymore. I miss sighs and stupid giggles in the dark or after I light candles.

Im thankful. I am grateful. I miss. I ache and I surrender now. Falling for somebody hurts. Falling away blasts holes into your chest...

As an old friend used to say to me. "Nevermind all that, Onward!"

Onward.

COMMENTS

one little cry in the dark
12:35 Jan 04 2010
Times Read: 762

Dead tired.

Aggitated

Searching for honesty

Wandering

Blind

One misguided step over the edge....

Terribly Sexually Aroused

Unusually sexually agressive.

Lower,

Harder-

I SAID HARDER!

Dead tired with that on my mind...

Yeeeeeah. Mmmmkay. Time for bed.

COMMENTS

To Praise Chaos?
12:00 Jan 03 2010
Times Read: 777

Normally I go have some from my little tin that smells like the seventies and things seem much calmer. Im ticked off, even while being a peace loving goth hippy (yeah, we exist).

I dont get how some friend's are one way on VR and a total different way off of it. Does it turn up the evilness? Does the black backgrounds and red things remind you of when you first dressed goth and held a long stem rose. The goth cliche in itself lol. I ponder how this friend could praise chaos when knowing full well, having chaotic shit to reap is a bitch too. I also don't understand all the reason for the facade, because thats all it is. Outward the structure is firm and solid. Much like oak. Very heavy and hard. Inward, this person is actually intellectually stimulating.....now its once and a while since this friend resorted to being a jackass to me. *shrugs* Dunno if you happen to read this, but what you said, sucked and made me feel like crap. Just to let you know....

COMMENTS

MasterMindedFate
12:24 Jan 03 2010

lol nice one

To Pace Before Bed
12:21 Jan 02 2010
Times Read: 790

I feel so exhausted, I feel slithered. A little confined in this room. Suddenly the house cat wants to go poke her head outside. She wants to play. She wants to pace and purr on the boards outside in the dark, in the rain...

COMMENTS

Like throwing cotton balls at a brick wall
13:14 Jan 01 2010
Times Read: 809

Yup, that...that right there's a fucking title, man lol. The Particular situation im about to adress is that of friendship. I recently had a LOT of people here tell me how they were my 'friend' and accepted me for me. Uh huh. Right. *makes the jerking off jesture*

What the hell is that about? I cannot vent and bitch completley, I suppose...I have also met a handfull of strangers who have become very loyal and very honest friends with me. The rest have become kind and concerned souls that check in alot but have shit to do which is just fine by me too lol.

I've also had what I call the unkind. The unkind just revel in making you miserable. Im going through a difficult time as well 'unkind'. I don't always know how to act when suddenly all your vital emotions shut down. A particular 'unkind' has hurt me and I am pissy.

I find it rather strange that before I went to hit submit, a fragment from a poem of mine sorta popped in my head.

There is no end to the things that I would do

Then crack a whip, I'd crawl towards you...

COMMENTS

atyourwindow
19:59 Jan 01 2010

so your're saying you have "vr groupies"? lol

SuicideDoll
12:32 Jan 02 2010

Yes, it's true how people still have the ability to hurt you (even if only a little), although you may have only spoken to them online.