DestroyingAngel's Journal
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1 entry this month
22:20 Dec 30 2012
Times Read: 536
My step father killed himself sometime after midnight last night.
I woke up shortly after 4am out of a deep sleep. I stumbled in the dark to the kitchen for some milk. As I poured the glass I heard my cell ringing from my bedroom. I thought about who the hell could be calling at that hour. A missed call. My sister.
I called her up and said, "What's wrong? What happened?" and my sister told me that my step father shot himself in the head. I couldn't believe it. The entire previous day I told my sister that I felt like our mother was gonna die or SOMEBODY close was going to die.
I get feelings sometimes.
Sometimes I see.
Sometimes I feel.
I was right.
I wish I wasn't.
I had felt like death was in the air yesterday. My own depression made me think about when I found my biological father dead in our home's garden shed when I was about 19. He too killed himself June 1st 1999.
I entertained the thought of how he did it. How lost he felt. How lonely he was. How I couldn't save him. I tried.
I began to understand that I had a father in whom my mother re-married to. My step father kinda became like my father. He was a genius. Really, he was. He worked for NASA. Genius level at math. Made their simulators. Worked on all sorts of projects for them. He could break anything down mathematically in his head...even to the point. He could do it within one second or less. We actually timed him once and he was correct. I thought it was so cool.
He wrote me cool programs for every lunar phase, what sign it was in and it did so many cool things...because I was big into astrology then. He'd come over with cola and junkie foods my mom wouldn't have of in the house...or even some take out for just me and him while he'd install and fine tune programs he made for just me. He wasn't a fan of astrology but he used that as a tool for us to bond...and we did. We had fun then...before my mother became too wicked for us to handle. My sister never got to see that side of him. I did.
I wish she could have.
I asked my sister if she wanted me to come over to her house and she cried and said yes. In the freezing cold, I hauled ass over there to be with my family. I shivered. I cried all the way there.
I still can't stop crying.
Why?!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
I just want all this pain out!
I just want to breathe again without feeling like two sets of hands are around my throat.
I write to get it out but it won't come out! It's just sitting there. I want to be alone but then I don't want to be alone. I don't know what to do.
Pace. Cry.
Crying as I write.
Why does this keep happening?!
Where is the goodness?
When does it happen?!
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COMMENTS
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tr1n1ty01
22:29 Dec 30 2012
So sorry for your loss. *hugs* I am here if you ever need to talk/vent/whatever...
ladybriarrose
22:29 Dec 30 2012
I wish mere words and thoughts could diminish your pain. I am sorry for your loss.
Eisblumen
22:50 Dec 30 2012
I am sorry for your loss.Stay strong. :(
vampyrebeauty
02:33 Dec 31 2012
So sorry for you loss *hugs*
Isis101
02:38 Dec 31 2012
Oh Angel...I am so sorry.
DestroyingAngel
06:52 Dec 31 2012
You are the people who still breathe life and loyalty into VR for me. The kindness is appreciated so much. Thank you! I wish I could hug you all. *hugs you all*
atyourwindow
10:50 Dec 31 2012
Thats horrible, Im so sorry for your loss *hug*
Oceanne
13:30 Dec 31 2012
There are simply no words to describe the saddness I feel as I read your entry.My heart goes out to you and your family, Angel.I hope you can come to terms with it .Im very sorry for your loss.I also hope the new year brings you peace and joy,even though right now,that seems impossible.
RedQueen
02:32 Jan 02 2013
My thoughts and prayers are with you, sugar.