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I went to the hospital with my sister and nephew this afternoon. We went to visit our mother. It was harder than I thought it would be. She looked so frail and pale...and she was in so much pain. The nurses there were taking so much time doing the most basic things.I just didn't know what to do. None of us did. My stepfather just kept holding her and kissing her forehead and she'd just hug him back, kiss him and cry. I never saw my mother that way with my father. They never showed ANY affection. It was very strange to see that but it was also nice. I've written about how cold my mother can be (especially with my nephew) but I found that she was being sweet and actually interacting with him. Laughing with him. Telling him that she loves him. She thanked us for bringing Christmas to her and for being there. We left to go meet my brother in law for Christmas dinner at Marie Calenders. It fell into place. He made it home on time and didnt have to miss Christmas. Christian (my nephew) was so excited. Once we got there and sat down, we realized that they had a limited menu. So limited that there were only 4 items on it and they were charging $20 dollars (for things we didnt even really want anyways). We ended up leaving and getting burgers for dinner.

Quick. Easy. MUCH cheaper lol. Afterwards, we had our small gift exchange. It felt so damn good getting to see us have our small holiday. We hadn't had a Christmas as a family in so many years. After they all opened their gifts, My sister came downstairs with two Saphora bags. Both had my name on the tag. Instantly I kinda reminded my sister that I didnt want her to spend ANY money on me and she gave me her 'shuddup and like it anyway' look. She whispered that I had been good girl this year and I cried. I NEVER thought that we'd be back at being close again. So close that even my brother in law smiled when she said that. I didn't need a gift. I already had it. My family. Turns out, she had made me one of her groovy salon/spa kits. Had I really been this good? She got me my nail tek II system, small bottles of my favorite fragrances, hair care and nail products. She knows full well that I go nutty for professional grade products (since she's got a license to purchase what they dont sell to the public).

It just felt...awsome. I never expected this. Once I got home I left the cell on the charger for about 10 minutes before I got a call from my sister. She invited me to breakfast tomorrow at her house. My brother in law makes a traditional breakfast for Christmas and since he couldn't do that yesterday morning, he wanted to do it today. I dont know if I should be scared or not. I've become so used to our family being so distant that any other way now seems strange. Thats kinda sad. I just dont want it to go away again. I have my guard up bit but I can't express that. I just have to keep hoping that it'll stay this way. I also have to let my guard down a bit with that dear friend....as I always seem to feel that our friendship may go away as well. I realized that Im NOT wired for as much hurt and loss as I have felt. The idea of trusting and letting go is a huge one for me. Im always afraid. It's not cool to feel as if everything and everbody goes away.

Im trying very hard though.

I bitched so much about this holiday before it even happened. I was scared that it would be all bad because of my mother being admitted. She's gonna be released tomorrow afternoon to go home.

I hope that maybe...just maybe this will be the start of a real happy new year for everybody. For my family. For my friends. For myself.

Thats all I want.

Thats all I need.

Please...come back.

Was that so damn hard. To just fucking stay?!

I cant sleep. Im feverish. Having one flare up after another and I miss somebody that I love. SO MUCH! Im so uncomfortable...

So damn uncomfortable. My cries wake me up... I try to sleep through the pain and it wont work. I need several hugs. To know that things will look up somehow.

I doubt that they ever will.

You win, God. Everything is gone now and whatever was left of my heart is broken.

Anything else...? I can't take much more.

Everything.

I need to try to relax.

*sigh*

How come I cant fall alseep on silk sheets with like....a lake somewhere not too far from MY window? Just like in those Ambien commercials. Jesus christ, y'all see how happy those folks are when they wake up in them. You could literally take a mug full of hot coffee, whack em' upside the head with it AND THEY WOULD STILL SMILE (and somehow have great morning hair). My point is this, I need sleep and Ambien CR's two layers can go straight to hell! That kinda shit dont happen with a sleeping pill. Give me a break!

It DOES happen with a good ol' fashioned shot of Demerol. Mmhmmm. Goodnight, Nurse!

*eyes dart back and forth*

Im just gonna log off..................................*whistles*

Don't mind the tired chick.

Darkness. It likes to find me.

Darkness. I breathe it in and suddenly

Im numb within.

Im gonna try this again. God, I hate being this sick!

I need a hug, dammit. A hug and a kiss.

*cries*

This hurts. So damn much.

I am Empty.

I am Alone. Always and forever.

*growls*

I bitched about my Christmas profile..................only to bitch about it again. That makes sense, I guess lol. I wanted something funny. Something a little dark this year. Im diggin this one I made tonight. Screw the pretty shit.

Wants

Needs

Depression

Confusion

Frustration

Anxiety

Cold

Pain

Fear

It seems that the sleep I do get is inturrupted by these things. I find that I have so many emotions running through me all at once and I don't know how to deal with all of them. I feel like im lost to the world. Small breaks of happiness and then painful reminders that I dont belong. That I can't be. That im always some sort of secret. It hurts me deeply. These are the nights that I feel lost to myself, the world and to those who claim love for me. I look for the things that would put a smile on my face or make me laugh and all I seem to do is feel an emptiness. It's cold and it's difficult. I want to laugh. I want to smile. I want my heart to sing, rather than sink.

Im back at feeling as if I cant do anything right. Fragments of the past. The cold reality of what is...............and what is to come. I've overcome so much. I just want to be free. To be whole and happier. I toss. I turn. I shiver. I wipe giant tears from my cheeks.

Im at a loss and I just do not know what else to say, or do or even think. I never know what to believe anymore. I fancy myself a girl that does not require much. A few hugs. A kind gesture. Sincere smiles and honest love and affection. I feel as if im ghost. Im so lost and I have no idea if I'll ever be found. What do I do now? What do I say? Does it even matter? I pray that I wont be hurt. That I wont be hurt anymore.

I feel like im drifting farther and farther from everything. Falling and sometimes falling apart. The tears are stinging my eyes right now. Im wiping at them with my sleeve and my bottom lip is trembling.

Help me. Im lost and I don't know if i'll ever find my way back. Help me...

because they don't make pain killers for the soul.