DestroyingAngel's Journal
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9 entries this month
Mad World13:30 Dec 25 2009
Times Read: 682
This pale version of Christmas. I don't know Christmas anymore. I got a taste of it last year and it was truly fun. The Love. The Fun. The thought in my head even then...that it was going to suck when goodbye happens. This is a truly black Christmas for me. Loss of my Mother (or until she medicates herself with enough OxyContin, gets euphoric and remembers me before she comes down, either or). My sister....man. Where does one begin when you are best friends with your sibling (or once were). What has happened between us has hurt me. To let go and get close and fall. My nephew's face, now a young man and I miss him so much *giant lump in throat*. My core is hollow. She was my other half...my kin. I forgive her...but im so angry that we aren't speaking that I want to scream towards the sky in Lucifer's serpent tongue and suck the energy right out of the Earth's core and leave it cold and sorta smile afterwards.Im way hurt as I write this. I am human and i'm prone to feel extreme lows too.
Talked to my Aunt in Alaska who finally picked up. It's the inherited 'gut' feeling I had been feeling with her. She told me today that one of the family members on my real father's side of the family passed on due to a bad motercycle accident. Is all I can do is prey when this woman, who has never even met me physically, but has saved my ass and never even had to and never wanted anything back in return! I stupidly find myself trying to let her know I am there for her. That we are family that doesn't give up. That we're in this together.
Here comes that coldness. The let down. Aunt will want to drown in sorrow right now and not talk to anybody for a while. I get it...the tourniquet isn't working. I take no offense, I am just down...and wanted the best for everyone this Christmas.
Am I joyful tonight? No. I'm in agony and I want Vicodin ES for the soul pain I have.
Double the dose please, nurse!
What am I thankful for though? Well...
My spirtuality.
My drive
My will
My heart
My soul
My ability to love blindly
My patience
My loyalty
The fire that I still have inside of me. The flickering thing around you that refuses to burn out.
My list tonight:
Tears
Lonliness
A racing heart with racing thoughts
Wanting
Aching
Burning
Needing Affection...
Fear of never having it
It's time to take a nap now. What more can I say? It's just been a rotten day. Later.
Heart=Foolish08:25 Dec 22 2009
Times Read: 689
*has broken out that little tin that smells like the sixties and feels a bit more mellow*Oh, for those of you who dont like my little tin that smells like the sixties, well...lol, shove it!
I've been pretty fucking moody lately with all the bullshit thats avalanched upon my shoulders. Alot of people online and offline have REALLY let me down and trying to wrap my mind around it...just isn't working. On top of that the atmosphere is cold, rainy and pretty crappy (which is unusual because of how fond i am of rain).
Why a certain tragedy in happiness follows me, I am not sure. I have vauge ideas but nothing truly solid.
Why when I normally want to socialize and laugh, I sudddenly want to pull the covers over my head and secretly give the middle finger underneath.
I come to my senses and try to find the sweet Di Di deep within. The same one who is laying bleeding and wounded with not a soul to tell.
I breathe in and look around in the darkness. A sigh. The rain falls. Its even more vicious, and it sounds like the storm of the endtimes.
Vivid imaginations of what I still want.
What I still crave
What could keep me warm
The things that make me smirk
The very way I blush at every twist
My chest rises and falls.I breathe in hard and exhale. The visions in my mind are sent out into a spiral in dreamscape. My eyes flutter shut. My lips slightly move but no voice escapes.
If comfort has become so alien to me...then why am I so at ease racing of these thoughts of you?
Thoughts12:42 Dec 21 2009
Times Read: 695
Thoughts. Swimming in thoughts. A list of thoughts before bed it seems.Things that I want to happen
Things that I long to make happen
That inner ache my body and spirit get
The heat that smolders from me when these thoughts occur
The way I' like to press my lips against your...
The heavy sighs I give when it gets stronger
To smell
To taste
To touch
Thoughts. Swimming in thoughts.
Drowning in what will be...
Two Years12:54 Dec 20 2009
Times Read: 702
And sometimes on lonely nights like these, I find myself thinking about becoming lost. Making 2yrs happen all over again...*sighs*
Alot on my mind and heart tonight...
10:17 Dec 17 2009
Times Read: 722
FrustrationLonliness
Quiet
Thinking
Aching...inside.
10:19 Dec 14 2009
Times Read: 732
This freaking program im using for designing and lost artists. I hate this shit. I hate this shit. I hate this shit!
I love this shit. I love this shit. I love this shit!
I ended up downloading the higher version and its fucking weird.....all the features i know how do stuff with (decently) happens halfway it seems. It's way cool but way confusing. I am so freaking lost *sighs*.
Alright, enough of this happy horseshit
Time do so some reading up. Im way bummed that like, 95% of the artists from attention digital just sank. Nothing new. It's really getting pathetic and im seriously thinking i'll never see it like that again.
Solo again.
If I Just12:39 Dec 11 2009
Times Read: 742
So....*sighs and hangs head*So, yeah...If I just happen to find the sandman and spray mace onto his privates and then just murder him. Is that wrong?
Christ! Look at this time stamp!
I dont like me very much tonight10:07 Dec 10 2009
Times Read: 755
I surrender.I am the fool card in the tarot deck of life it seems...
*sighs*
Still the same.
Not gone.
Terribly frustrated...
Sleep.
The sandman came, he usually doesnt.
He knows I need a nap too...
Some Things...Just things before bed.10:55 Dec 09 2009
Times Read: 768
Blank. Blank and numb again.
Wanting to be able to have a margin of error.
Hollow.
Stupid and foolish.
Sometimes is always.
Wants.
Needs.
Desires.
Fake as fuck.
Phoney as hell
Be myself.
By myself.
A whispered, "I miss you!" and nothing.
Who cares.
Blow out the candle.
One day...
To be lost again.
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COMMENTS
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MasterMindedFate
01:12 Dec 26 2009
i never been fond of xmas but then agian it is a xian holiday maybe thats why lol
SuicideDoll
11:20 Dec 26 2009
I completely understand what you mean by not "knowing" Christmas anymore. For me, it hasn't "felt" like Xmas in a very long time. It just kind of comes and is there.
Anyway, I do hope you feel better emotionally soon.