The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport,

I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."



"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look

like her."

Here goes.......



On my first day of retirement, I bought something at the Police Supply shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion is my retirement and I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride.



What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product,

it's a less-than-lethal stun gun, with two metal prongs, designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage

electricity, while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb., tattooed assailant, push the button and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,

pencil-neck geek.



If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missin out.....way too cool. I've seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found this hand-held one for civilians.



Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!!!

I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions) I found much to my chagrin, that this particular model

would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface, that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was looking for.



I did it!



Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity and a loud POP! YIPPEEEE!!!!!! Yes, easily amused but just for your information, I have yet to explain to my wife what the burn spot is...on the face of

her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad, with only two triple-A batteries, etc. etc.......



There I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and

blood target. I must admit, I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second, then thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised.



Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So there I sat, in a pair of shorts, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.



All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two its, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no

friggin' way!"



Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well...have got a pretty good idea of what followed.



I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it Buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.



(Note: You know...a bad decision is like hindsight - always twenty-twenty. It's so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don'cha hate that?)



I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****! DAaaaaMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Hulk Hogan ran in through the

front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side

in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position. The cat was standing over me, making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"



(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, a word of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap

yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!





A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up

with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds, give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I

think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round! I miss 'em.....sure would like to get 'em back.



I wonder what retirement, day-two will bring?

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were

flying on Air Force One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You

know, I could throw $1,000.00 bill out of the window right now and make somebody

very happy."



Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied "I could

throw ten $100.00 bills out off the window and make ten people very happy."



Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw

one hundred $10.00 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."





Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes

and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there.



Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window

and make 156 million people very happy."

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.



They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."



The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."



They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "



The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."



They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."



The husband looked at her and calmly said, "Go over and ask him if it was always with the same cow."

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.



He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was

trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....



Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"



A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."



Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"



A: "The officer who responded to the scene."



Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"



A: "Yes, sir. With my life."



Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"



A: "Yes sir, we do!"



Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"



A: "Yes sir, I do."



Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"



A: "Yes sir."



Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"



A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."



The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"



She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you

manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."



The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"



She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."



The defense attorney almost died.



The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy going down the sidewalk in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.



The boy is wearing a firefighterr's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by his dog and cat. The fire-fighter walks out to take a closer look.



"That sure is a nice fire truck," he says admiringly.



"Thanks, mr. fireman," the boy says.



The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to his dog's collar and to the cat's nuts.



"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."



The little boy replies, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

I had to take my son's lizard to the Vet.......Here's what happened:



Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"



I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"



"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute."She's having babies."



"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"



I was equally outraged. "I thought we didn't want them to reproduce" I accused my wife.



"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)



"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together)



"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.



"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) *



By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."



"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.



"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.



"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.



"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.



"Okay, okay" Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.



"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)



"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.



"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)



The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.



"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly,"

the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."



He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."



We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.



"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.



Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.



"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.



Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its..teeny little..." she gasped for more

air to bellow in laughter once more.



*"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done! , Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.



2 - lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's Pecker ....... Priceless

So George W and Dick Cheney are sitting in a restaraunt having lunch. The waitress walks up to take their order, and W says, "How about a quickie?" The waitress proceedes to slap him, berate him for his conduct not befitting the leader of the free world, and storms off. Cheney leans over and whispers, "Sir, it's pronounced 'quiche"





Thank you TD for this joke!

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, .......a cheap car, .......slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white

TV............., but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond!!!!!. "







"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman............ It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."



My wife is a very reasonable woman.







She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old

blond,...............................



...........................and she would make sure that I would once

again be living in a cheap apartment,

.....................................driving a cheap car, sleeping on

a sofa bed....

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.



When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.



Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.





"It's a period," he replied.



"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"



"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing' one.



Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy."

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband

was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a

vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

1) Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the r eply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets



2) I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.



3) A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."



4) I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."



5) Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.



6) A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to the emergency room!







IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.



IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."? He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your

knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He ! sm iled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.





IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when

she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS



IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,

"this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.





IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. (A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.)





IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the

service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was

unlocked. "Hey! ," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!







Life is tough...

It's tougher if you're stupid

There was a farmer out in the country, a meek

Little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't

Talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind

That hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator.



Soon after it was installed, he tried his

First call. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".

"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, if, pease."

"Excuse me?"

"I wanna talk at fvree, fvree, one, if."

"I don't understand you, sir."

"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"

"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going

To have to talk plainer than that."

"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed

The phone down)



The next morning, there was a knock at the

Farmer's' door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there,

And they asked

Him if he was the one who had used a profanity

With their operator.



"Yesh, I yam", he said.

The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand

For our ladies being treated that way. You have

A choice. You can either call her right now and

Apologize, or we're going to remove your

Telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked

To the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".



"Are yew th' lady I told at shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"



Immediately huffy, the operator replied

"I CERTAINLY am!"



"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

I have to go to the bathroom!

Smile for the camera!

Get off me, I'll do it myself!

This is your first time...right?

When is this supposed to feel good?

I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs?!

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a sheep home. (eeww)

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper!

Hey, My friends were right! You ARE good!

On second thought, let's turn the lights off.

I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!

But everyone looks funny naked!

Do I have to pay for this?

No! You're too fat to be on top...You'd kill me!

Actually, your sister "likes" it like this.

What's your name again?

Hold on, let me change the channel.

It's nice being in bed with someone I don't have to inflate.

Uhhh...I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring Yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion Among them.



First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once We settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be Mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, But I aint' givin' him any of mine."



Second Bull: "That pretty much says It for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."



Third Bull: "I've only been here a Year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care Of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, So I simply MUST keep all MY cows."



They had just finished their big Talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with Only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son- of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.



First Bull: "Ahem ... You know, it's actually been some time since I Really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare A few for our new friend."



Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his Horns, and snorting.



First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real Quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."



Third Bull: "Sh*t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm A bull!!

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the heck does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.



She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.



"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.



"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.



Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,



HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"



Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............................................













"We're down here ..."

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor. I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.



Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised , the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if all this is not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A >TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.



A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid=winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and

of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large

enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite

as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off

across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at

the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The

shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on.

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck

touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drop the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.



Then """"""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!!



The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.

...And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments



The dog is okay...