The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.



She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."



The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1-rings and we all put on

our jackets.



BELL 2-rings and we all slide down the

pole.



BELL 3-rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."



"From now on when I say



BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.



When say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.



Andd when I say BELL 3 we are going to make

love all night."



The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife

promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled"BELL 3!", they began making love.



After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband



"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1-rings and we all put on

our jackets.



BELL 2-rings and we all slide down the

pole.



BELL 3-rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."



"From now on when I say



BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.



When say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.



Andd when I say BELL 3 we are going to make

love all night."



The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife

promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled"BELL 3!", they began making love.



After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband



"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft

any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

..

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their

secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

..

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

..

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

..

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter and outdoors man, was being interviewed by a French journalist . Eventually, the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits. The French journalist asked,



"What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?`or maybe `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"



Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next? Who am I going to screw next and, can I run fast enough to get away? They are very much like the French in that way."

How many members of your sign does it take

to change a light bulb?



ARIES:

Just one. You want to make something of it?



TAURUS:

One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.



GEMINI:

Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!



CANCER:

Just one. But it takes a therapist three years

to help them through the grieving process.



LEO:

Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.



VIRGO:

Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.



LIBRA:

Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought,

make that two. Is that OK with you?



SCORPIO:

That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.



SAGITTARIUS:

The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?



CAPRICORN:

I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.



AQUARIUS:

Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....



PISCES:

Light bulb? What light bulb?

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.



"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."



"How long is that?" asks the girl.



"About three hundred years."

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"



The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!" The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.



"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.



The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... 'Bible...Church!...Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.



Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.





"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.



The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the

politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them.



The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."