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I am beside myself,
I am at a loss for words. I don't hold myself in as high of a regard as I should. I have made my share of mistakes in life and I always punish myself for them. I look down on myself for the things I have done during my days of being a junkie. Yes I used to shoot meth. Suprising huh? I have 27 years clean. So when people treat me like I matter I guess it dumbfounds me. Like why are they being kind to me? You see changing my life quitting drugs trying to be positive is easy. It's how I think and what I believe. It's easy to look at things in a negative light. But much harder to look for the good things especially in ourselves. So the few people I call friends or family on here are ones who earned those monikers. Immortalkiss. She is one of the sweetest women you will ever know. Dakotah, A man who has had a similar past but had it way worse then I will ever experience and yet became someone I can look up to not only as a role model but as inspiration. Hannahrose and sire Keith, Two people that despite the distance between us has treated me as family.
And now to add my classmates and teacher to that list lol. You see a couple days ago I missed class. Lack of food can do that to you. I emailed her and explained I had'nt eaten in 4 days. Something that's been going on all this month. I chose a place to live over eating not realizing that trying to work without eating for days would take its toll.
Well while I was out she told the class why I was absent. Now They took up a collection and all donated to help me. Hell someone even got me new workout outfit.
Normally I would have been livid at my teachers breach of trust. But I never told her to keep it quiet. And even though a part of me feels humiliated at being needy I am overwhelmed by their kindness and generosity. It is the first time in decades I have tears. I don't consider myself worthy of acts of kindness I don't get emo about my feelings. I feel I have to set a bar really high and keep trying to reach it and when I fail pick myself up and keep trying until I do then raise it higher. I don't know if I will ever redeem myself in my eyes but until I do I will keep trying to be the best me I can.

We also had midterms tonight, I was the last to finish but I think I did way better then on the 1st written test. I find out Saturday.

COMMENTS

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Gossamer
09:21 Nov 30 2018

Oh hon, you do matter, don't ever think that you don't. It was really nice of your classmates to do that for you.

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xxmrsinister80xx
10:53 Nov 30 2018

Keep your head up! Ace those midterms!

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Morrigon
14:19 Nov 30 2018

Amazing how we can easily see the worth in others and yet spend so much time putting ourselves down. I doubt you would ever treat someone the way you seem to treat yourself. I've had to work on that too. I had to finally admit that I would never treat someone else as horribly as I treat myself, so if I'm really going to say I have standards for decency, those standards should apply to me as well.
You sound like you are more than worthy of help and kindness. You appreciate what people are doing for you and I bet you would do the same for someone else. Kick guilt to the curb and embrace gratitude :)

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Dakotah
18:46 Nov 30 2018

bro, your struggles are just as hard as mine was. And remember this, Good things DO happen to good people. Your teacher clearly sees the good and in and so do your classmates. So yeah, like Morrigon said kick guilt to the curb. Also, what I did once I finished school and started working and was where I wanted to be, I gave back. I started helping boys in my community by spending time with them and telling them my story. Also, I give to local shelters. I know once you get out of school and working you will do the same. So, yeah, suck it up. I know its hard to accept help. But do it on the pretense you will give back once you are able too and you too will help others.

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Darkward
19:25 Nov 30 2018

thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. I just feel that if I don't remind myself constantly of who I used to be then there's a chance to become that person again. Those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it. I know I'm worth something more then how I look at myself. But it's my being critical that makes me want to be more than what I was and what I am. I always have encouragement and kind words for others. And yeah I know I'm worth the same. And believe me I hold myself in high regard at just not as high as I should I guess.

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hannahrose
09:17 Dec 01 2018

>

We have all made mistakes, you have made a few but the IMPORTANT thing is YOU TOOK RESPONSIBILITY for your mistakes and your actions, and CONGRATULATIONS for being drug free for so long. you are worthy of love friendship kindness and acceptance. you need to learn to forgive yourself, and move on. as we CANNOT CHANGE OUR PAST MISTAKES we can only LEARN from them. you are not just my VR BROTHER but you are considered my BIO family to.i am very PROUD of you. i see a loving honest caring considerate humble kind and supportive person when i think of you. you are stuck with me and mine. i am sorry for all the problems you have gone thru, but so PROUD of All you have and continue to ACHIEVE. look to your future do not look and condemn yourself for past mistakes, learn the lesson you need to learn, forgive yourself and continue to look to the future, even when you have really horrible miserable day, remember tomorrow will soon be here and that means there is a new chance for a new begining. know that you have many people who see you for who you really aer and love you just the way you are right now.your loving sister Hannhrose.

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Tick tock. Tick tock. Time's running short here. I have school tonight and tomorrow night and I'm not sure about Saturday but I'll find out tonight. Testing tonight and possibly tomorrow cuz I missed yesterday. Other than that just hanging out passing time. So all in all it's a pretty boring day. I can't wait to get this week over. Sorry this entry is so short peace everyone

Okay so I'm continuing this entry.
Class was awesome. We were reviewing material and the teacher asked why strengthening the cardiorespiratory system was important. Some of my classmates and there's only four others gave very simple and easy answers. Me on the other hand I want to do something I've never done before. And that was give a complex answer to a question from a teacher. So I started out strengthening the cardiorespiratory system is important for supplying oxygen to your body. But also when you eat and you break down your food into the three base forms of energy Supply which are protein fats and carbohydrates. The fats and carbohydrates are consumed first and turned into pyruvate. Pyruvate now in a oxygen-free environment becomes lactic acid and your body gets rid of it. But however if you have a stronger cardiorespiratory system you'll have more oxygen in your system which would turn the fats and carbohydrates into. Aceytal Co A. In this product is the key to entering the mitochondria and beginning the Krebs cycle. After the Krebs cycle he goes through one more process known as Etc after Etc it is turned into ATP. ATP is vital for energy for your muscles. So the stronger your cardiorespiratory system is the more ATP that can be produced. This answer blew the teacher away and she high-fived me. I love this class and I'm learning so much. After school one of my classmates gave me a ride home and bought me Burger King before getting here. So last night was fantastic. I really like my class and classmates. Anyways this was what I wanted to brag about.

So after thinking about it I decided not to do the smokes. And instead get more supplements. I think in the long run quitting is my best option. And I'll be in the position actually do it. Right now I have no energy to go to the gym or school. So I called in to school and let them know I would be out for the rest of the week due to me hungry. My ex-boss well I thought she was my ex-boss got ahold of me on Facebook. and told her the real reason I didn't come into work when I was being hungry I was light-headed and sick. I don't like admitting things like that cuz it makes me feel weak inside. But I also don't like to lie either. And once I told her what was going on she told me that the shop will feed me during my shift. This makes me feel really good. Like I'm valued. So I go in tomorrow for work and I also let my teacher know I would be in for school. I don't like missing school there's just way too much to fall behind on. So at least I only missed one day. But my plan is still in effect. That's why I can stalk money away. And Friday I open up a checking account. It's funny because I got this never give up attitude and Never Surrender mind frame things go good and they go bad but they're never disappointing.

I couldn't sleep. So I started going over my finances. I made a list of everything I would need to get for December. That's including supplements for the month cigarettes for the month a coat keep me warm calling card. Razors shampoo conditioner everything that I would need to set myself up for a month including a storage unit to keep everything in so I'm not weighed down with a bunch of bags while I go to school. Found out I actually come out ahead doing it this way. Yeah it would be nice to have a place to live but you know what I've been through worse. And having everything including my bus pass which is my way to and from school on Saturday Tuesdays Wednesdays and Thursdays I'm walking about 6 miles. I really don't care the distance I'll have everything taken care of that I need and that makes me happy. The starving s*** is for the birds. And I'll finally be able to start getting size on me again. And starving means lack of concentration lack of focus I would rather trade my place to live for proper nutrition proper sleep. I'm still going to look for a job because I will only be left with about a hundred and $20 for the month and that's not good. Anyways this is my final thought for the night. Now it's time for bed.

I woke up not feeling right. Feel like I'm going to puke I'm not sure it's lack of food or if I just got the flu or something. I called into work there's no way I'm going to get on the bus feeling like this and work 7 hours. It would be different if we got food during our shift but we don't. We get a 50% discount which I guess is better than nothing. So I'm in the process of looking for another job. I would rather be a dishwasher in a restaurant and get the meal provided then get the 50% discount when I don't have any money to pay even half price. So I'm skipping the gym to I mean if I can't go to work then I can't go play. Something I learned a long time ago if you're too sick to work and you're too sick for anything else.

Well today is much better. Still don't like getting guns pulled on me. But today is a new day. I think I'll get a new pair of shoes. The ones I have are the ones I left Maine in. I wore them for 2 weeks without taking them off. So there is a permanent foot smell in them and I can wear them once for 4 minutes and my feet are going to stink really bad. So yes it is time to change them and get new ones. I found with my particular chemistry that the cheaper the shoes the quicker I make them stink so I buy mainly Nikes Reeboks shoes like those. They are not cheap but they last a lot longer than cheap ones. And today is a study day. This week is testing and I am not going to scrape by this time. I plan on passing this module without a problem. But today is also a rest day from the gym. I can't wait to start supplementing. I really want my size back LOL I'm stronger than when I started but I'm still not happy with the way I look. But that will come in time I can already see major changes and soon I'll post another picture to my portfolio. And I have came to a decision. I am moving out at the end of the month because I cannot afford rent. I am perfectly fine with living on the street. I cannot afford food and rent with what I am making right now, Hell I haven't eaten in 2 days. Am I complaining no. I know what I have to do and I'm not going to be in the typical homeless person not willing to work in sponging off of Society. I will be in school and working. I will put my stuff in a storage locker so all I will have to tote around is my gym bag. Most people would complain about a situation like this but not me. I know what I'm getting into and I'm prepared to do whatever it takes 2 get through school on my terms. Complaining only makes things worse when I already have a plan in place to circumvent any further problems. I am not one to go to friends or family for help. This is my problems and it is up to me to solve them. And I will not get in debt more so than I already have in order to eke out a small existence while I do this.

Well today was fucked. Started out good. I got up went to the gym got in a good workout. Leaving the gym I was heading to the bus and I would stop by to patrol cars. The cops are Drew their guns and made me put my hands in the air turn around and walk backwards to them. I complied of course. Anytime somebody has a gun on me good rule of thumb is do as you're told. As they were searching me and my gym bag they explained that there was just an armed robbery and I fit the description to a tee. No I don't know what's scarier the fact of having guns on me or that somebody looks like me LOL. So I listen to their b******* and then they were in my name found out I didn't have a gun or money so after that little Fiasco I went to work. I'm glad the day is over. That sent the tone into just a bad day. Tomorrow nothing to do so I'm going to study. We have testing this week so I need to be on top of this module. Anyways have a good night everyone.

Well today at work was busy. The first day is always the toughest. And I got through it I was going to go to the gym afterwards. But after putting in 8 hours I definitely should have went before hand. Tomorrow I'll go to the gym and I close so I'll see how that is. But I do know I got a long walk after work because this job is about 8 miles from home and at the moment I don't have a car. Oh well life's a b**** LOL

I had such a rotten night sleep I couldn't get the bed quick enough. But once I was there I can get to sleep I finally passed out at 5 a.m. . Well some point this week I have to stay after school everybody does because we had the teacher let us go before are clinicals so we are two hours of clinical time. Happy Thanksgiving everyone today was interesting. I live in a clean and sober house not because I need to but because it's one less thing to take my focus off school. I do however plan soon to move into my own place there are certain things are that bug the fuck out of me. Not bad things but just enough to make me want to move into my own place. Dinner was good and an interesting Twist on stuffing it was spicy two for one and I had ham given the choice I'll eat ham over turkey any day. So now I'm home doing laundry and I have a cup of coffee and relax tomorrow I start my first day at Firehouse Subs. I'm really looking forward to this I miss working and can't wait to get back to it. I know I sound really weird I mean somebody who is not a vampire and somebody who is positive about things instead of emo about them. I just don't see the point in complaining about things I can change without doing something about it. Or boo-hooing about my situation. Me getting off my ass and doing something is the only thing that has changed my situation not bitching about it. I do get depressed like anybody else and angry and dismayed. I mean I have feelings like everybody else but I hold myself to a different standard than a lot of people do. Not everybody thinks like I do. Everybody has their own thought process. And that's just the way it is. Well my newly fattened friends you all have a great night I'm going to finish up what I'm doing and then head for bed I have to be up early tomorrow and then I have the gym afterwards and then studying after that LOL.

It was a good morning. I got up had breakfast did my homework. Just relax for most of the day before Jumping On The Bus and heading over to the gym. My workout was core and stomach rather boring. But no matter even if it's boring still have to do it and not decide to do something else. I have to stay on my schedule. After my workout I went to school. The teacher was there taking care of some work before Thanksgiving break. I hung out played on my phone until class time. We started working on the endorphin centers. And also different types of sustained workouts such as intensity versus duration. And also what different parts do during these different actions. Sorry I'm tired so I'm not explaining it well. We also talked about ATP and how it's produced in what process that goes from proteins or carbohydrates or fats into ATP. Anyways I think I'm going to pass out you'll have a great Thanksgiving I'll post more tomorrow take care.

COMMENTS

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Dakotah
08:58 Nov 22 2018

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Brother and congrats on the job. I got to get some advise from you when I start working out again. I am recovering from knee operation but about ready to head back to the gym and start working on the top part. One of my brothers we set up a gym room at his house. So I go there to work out. Few years ago a local gym closed its door and they were selling off there equipment so me and brothers all chipped in and brought up a lot of it. I hit you up on skype this weekend to get some advise on how I should start off again. Its been about 8 months since I have worked out, except the knee PT.

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Darkward
10:26 Nov 22 2018

First off. Get your knee checked out by a doctor since I'm not there in person I could not give you advice that would be worth a spit. Examination of your knee will be able to tell you any limitations there are on it. Starting back go slow work your way into the heavy stuff get a feel for the movement and the weight.
Without properly assessing you to find out any underlying problems that you might have all I can say is keep your belly button drawing in and up here chest you shoulders back whenever you're lifting its proper form keep your shoulders in line with your hips. If you are sitting or lying keep your legs and a 90 degree in your knees in line with your hips. Keys too good form. And always keep your neck in a neutral position which means your ears in line with your shoulders other than that there's nothing I can really tell you that is going to help.

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Darkward
10:28 Nov 22 2018

Oh and Happy Thanksgiving to you as well.

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Darkward
10:34 Nov 22 2018

And one more thing when your lifting do e3020 3 seconds on the concentric movement and 2 seconds on the East Centric the concentric is the application of force. Ecentric is lessening the force so on a bench press pushing it up is concentric letting it come down is Ecentric. And no rest in between so do 8 reps to start. Work your way up to 12 when you hit 12 add weight and doing it like this it's called time under tension you won't be able to lift as much but you'll get better gains

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Well today started out like any other. Going to check on a job so I jumped in the shower got my gym bag ready and headed out. Took me about an hour to get there by bus. I got to Firehouse Subs and put in my application and was asked if I could do an interview. I did no expectations I figured this was just like every other place I wanted interview me. They interviewed me and then later tell me they went some other way so after the interview I ended up getting the job. I start Friday opening and work Saturday closing. I'll have a 5 hour walk home but I don't care. I have a job and I'm happy to be working again. With my tax money I'll buy a car. I'm not too worried about this and I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I plan on moving In January so I'll cut 3 hours off my walk time until I have a car. Anyways this is one step closer to my goals.

I talked to the my friend last night. Apparently he didn't give me the whole story on the job. His friend didn't own the shop that I went to a friend of his friend did. I went in there and mentioned the person's friend and they acknowledge they knew him. That was a load off my mind I don't trust easily and the fact that he was telling the truth made me feel really good. I put in the application and got an interview I wasn't hired on the spot. But the fact of getting an interview made me feel good. So and put in the effort to get there and then I went to the gym put in my workout and now it's study time. I feel really relaxed now after working out. Every time I go to the gym I am able to work through any negative stress or negative feelings. I don't know what other people do for stress relief but this is mine. It helps me Focus. One of the few things that I've ever been good at. I'm glad I'm turning this into my profession. Anything you enjoying life if you turn it into a career you're going to succeed. It's Your Love for what you do that drives you to be the best.

I got up early this morning and called the place I was told I would get hired at on the spot. I asked for the person that I was told is the manager but there wasn't anybody with the name I mentioned. I'm not surprised I'm just glad I didn't walk all that way there because it was slippery as heck out and just going down the street I almost fell several times. I don't know why people make up stories and maybe I heard the name wrong so I will talk to them when they get here and find out if I did miss here. My phone is on its last legs. But I got 13 days before I can replace it. Sure it's money I don't have to spend but it's a necessity for jobs to be able to get a hold of me. Tomorrow I'll be out there again looking for work. It would be easier if I wasn't in school but I'm not giving it up I would rather go through the hard times and finish what I started and achieve my goals then till give them up and regret it the rest of my life. I could sit and complain and boohoo about things but there's no point to it. Anyting that's worth doing comes with a price. But we got to ask ourselves are we willing to pay this price? Or is it too high? There is no high price to pay when it comes to bettering ourselves. A lot of people are afraid to struggle. But in all reality life is a struggle. From the time we were born to the time we die we struggle with birth learning to talk learning to walk making friends going to school learning at school. No matter if they're big or small we all do what we can to evolve and learn. That's what this is it's an evolution. It's nd evolution of my mind body and spirit.

I decided to take a couple days off from the gym. Depression has a way of taking the wind out of your sails. Slept most of the day and then I talked to one of my roommates. They said they know a guy and generally that don't always work out right but in this case it did. So tomorrow I got to walk almost 5 miles to get to jersey Mikes for a job interview. And if it works out which by the looks of it it will they will work around my school schedule. Finally no more being broke constantly and I'll be able to catch up on my rent so I won't be homeless. This is the last part of what I need to do in order to excel in school. school is fine and I could get good grades but you're homeless you're not getting proper sleep and if you're jobless you're not getting proper nutrition because you can't afford food. Maybe now I will be able to quit smoking along with it LOL. But one step at a time you need to crawl before you can walk. I don't complain about my situation because just like everyone else only we can change it if we are unhappy. So for tonight just relaxing and basking in happiness.

Today is a great day I made a friend here on vampire rave not just somebody that you ad to your friends list let somebody who has same experiences and that you talk to. Thanks Dakotah for being somebody I can talk to. Sometimes we need a sounding board somebody that will give us feedback and insight. So today's agenda is job hunting and working out. I have the next 4 days off from school so I'm going to be studying material for this module. I'm learning a lot about the human cardiovascular system and respiratory system. And the different parts of the heart which we have to be committed to our memory for testing. My phone is borked it's not holding a charge and it's getting harder and harder to even charge it. So I definitely need to go to work in order to get a replacement. I tried to save money but buying the cheapest phone at Walmart was not a good idea LOL. And today I get a call or rather message from my nephew's wife telling me not to invite myself along on their dinners out. She was referring to veterans day when my nephew invited me out to lunch with them. Saying how they ain't got much money and that they can afford to take me with them. Now and let me explain something to you about her. Women can suffer what's called battered wife syndrome. And they feel powerless against their abusers and listen to what they say rather than use their own good judgment. This syndrome can also affect children who been severely abused by their parents. And her dad is very emotional and mentally abusing from everything that I've been told. And he tried to convince her that I'm nothing and that I'm going to hurt her or poison her or some stupid s*** like that. So he's been in her ear telling her that I'm going to do something and that I'm going to sponge off them and all this and unfortunately she listens to him. So I messaged her back and told her I didn't invite myself that my nephew invited me but not to worry I won't be a part of their lives anymore and that plans for Thanksgiving or off because I'm not going to be made to feel guilty about something that I should not feel guilty about. It's just extra stress I don't need. People that try to put you down or make you feel bad just cut them out of your life. No matter who they are or what relationship they have to you even if it's a mother or father brother sister or friend. We as people don't deserve to be s*** on by anyone. Making excuses for them and saying oh it's okay they should on me is a cop out. I even let you know about her but I am in no way making excuses for her behavior
. She's a grown adult and should be making her own choices it is my choice not to be a part of that.anyways y'all have a good day

Well I put in another job application at this time at Subway I marked off multiple sites to work at. Then I headed up to the gym and put in some cardio and core work. This being broke is for the birds. I'm constantly bumming from the people that live here and it's driving me nuts because I've never been this dependent in my life. Went to school and put in another work out there I am so sore but tomorrow it's off hunting again for a job. Wish me luck

COMMENTS

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Dakotah
17:13 Nov 16 2018

I understand what you mean. When I went to college it was very hard on me to ask sometimes for finance help now and then. I was always self dependent too. However, I had to learn that sometimes we have to ask for help. A guy can only eat roman noodles for so long. I want to say too I like reading your journal, your struggles and accomplishments. You are doing this and IMO really doing great. Thank you for sharing all this.

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Darkward
17:36 Nov 16 2018

I am not used to being in a position where I need help. It makes me feel weak and helpless. A feeling that is both uncomfortable and alien to me. I have always had to help myself. It is what I am used to. And this is important to me enough where I am happy to struggle to .ake it happen. I will find a job it is only a matter of time.

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Darkward
17:44 Nov 16 2018

And thank you for the kind words. And your welcome. I just want people to understand that even when faced with odds that they feel are against them. And they feel hopless and powerless. They can overcome if it's important enough to them. And nothing can stop them if they want it bad enough.

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Well I got up and read chapter 3 and 4 in my textbook as well as a few other pages that were assigned by the teacher. I went and looked for a job I really need one time is running out for me here if I don't get one. Then I went and worked out. I hung out until school and class was great amazing as always in fact. Because I was the only one who read chapter 3 I was able to Whiz thru the hand book she passed out tonight. It was funny she said the girls work on there's the boys work on theirs and whoever finishes first wins all I could say was done. She looked at me and said quit ruining my fun LOL. And then we went and learn the difference in the different cardio machines like the elliptical the stationary bikes Etc. At the end of class we all shot the shit for a bit and that was the end of the night for me. I think I'm going to ace this module. It's not hard it's just more paying attention to what's being said what's being explained and all that good stuff. I can't wait till I'm finished with school though as much as I like it I want to be done and start my career as a personal trainer.

Today was great. I woke up in a stellar mood went to the gym worked on my core. After I was done I went to School. I usually get there early and make coffee for everybody because I'm so far away from home and I have to take the bus that it wouldn't be productive to take the bus home then turn around and have to go back to school. Today was module two the beginning of it. We had a new student she is cool and all but I don't know her very well. In this module we are learning cardio. After class portion we went to the gym and our teacher showed us different exercises. After we broke up into groups and it was my turn to run my partner through different exercises I had to do something I dreaded the inverted row. When I first started doing this last week I couldn't even do one. Today I did them like they were nothing. It's so nice to have proof and validation but I'm getting better I'm getting leaner and I'm getting stronger period a great way to end class.

Instead of wondering and putting myself through hell I wrote my teacher an email and ask her how I did. She after along torturous time frame wrote back to me. I passed. Oh my God I passed LOL. So now I can move on to the next module cardio without any worries I feel so much better. But on a sad note I found out Stan Lee editor of Marvel and creator of Spider-Man X-Men the Hulk and so many other great comics has died at the age of 95. I used to read his comics growing up. I was severely abused as a child. One of my mom's boyfriends broke three poolsticks over my lower back, things like that. So his Comics were away of escaping for me. Didn't have any friends growing up but I did in his books and is graphic novels. I never knew the guy, but he made his characters realistic by giving them everyday problems that you and I face including abuse, And I feel as if he were family to me. His creations we're also an inspiration for me to get bigger and add size to myself. Even though I knew I would never have superpowers at least I could look like it. I will miss him in the cameos in the movies. And his creativity and is inspiration to all kids that have or had going through the same things. Excelsior Stan Lee Excelsior

I am still waiting to find out if I am still in school. So I think while I'm waiting I'm going to go work out. The spaghetti sauce that I made from scratch is a big hit with my roommates. Yes I do know how to cook LOL. Being a bachelor means learn to cook or eat lots of Top Ramen LOL. I like Top Ramen but I don't want to eat it 3 times a day LOL. I'm also still waiting for News of when I have orientation for a job I applied for. God I hate waiting for other people it drives me nuts, but what you going to do? It snowed here, God I hate the snow LOL. I will add more when I know more.

I'm still thinking about school I really don't want to leave but I will if I have to. It is something that is weighing heavy on my mind. I'm trying to keep my mind off at right now. My nephew took me out to eat, it's Veterans Day today and both him and his wife served in the military. We went to IHOP it's got good food and I'm not complaining I enjoyed spending the time with them. We have a house meeting today and that should go without any problems. I find out in 3 to 4 days if I'm still in school or if I have to leave, I will keep my fingers crossed even though I'm not superstitious LOL.

I'm not good at Walling in self-pity. I sit here and think over and over what will happen if I get kicked out of school for failing my written test. I came to one conclusion, if I cannot continue School I will simply switch to online classes. Sure I would love to continue going to school but at the end of the day a certification is a certification. It's an inconvenience yes is it a setback? no. And depending on how I look at it it can be a good thing, it would mean that I'm not stuck here and that I could go anywhere and do online courses which would mean I can move to a warmer climate Etc,I just have to evolve to solve the problem at hand. I don't say that there are no setbacks only test of our self-determination as something catchy to put in my profile. It is something I truly believe because if we let everything that can hold us back do just that then we won't get anywhere in life.
I'm not one to lie down and let life run them over. Anything really worth having is worth working for whether it's our girl or our job or a goal we set for ourselves.
So if this minor inconvenience means the end of school it doesn't mean it's the end of my education. I refuse to boohoo and complain about something that I have the power to change. I'm stronger then any problem that gets in my way.

The reason I'm condensing the school week is because if I didn't it would be very short and very boring. So the first day and testing we did a written test. Bunch of multiple choice answers but because a lot of the graphs and diagrams were in black and white it was really hard to tell what was what. And I had missed a couple days so that definitely counted against me.
The second day of testing was client consultations. Really good on that but my time was short and we were supposed to have it lasts no less than a half-hour no more than 30 minutes and mine lasted 20 minutes
The third day was client assessments running them through a series of exercises and assessing the what problems they were having and what exercises were supposed to determine what as far as endurance muscle strength core strength xcetera.
The next test lives in the gym we had to determine the plane of motion the muscle that was being used and it was a primary secondary or stabilization muscle we also had to know what the different muscles were doing at the time. Oh and by the way this test was today. At the end of all the testing we got her test results back. I passed every test except for the written. And I was one of two people who got a online assignment completed. So now I have the next two days off. But when I go back to class I find out if I'm going to be kicked out of class and school because I'm on a Pell Grant and I'm not sure how they work things or I will pass this module and keep going on with school. I already have plan B in place in case I get kicked out. We will see what happens

Not much really going on this weekend just hanging out and studying my ass off the conversion tables are a pain in the ass to study. I mean I know pounds to kilograms is however much they weigh then you divide my 2.2046 and so on and so on but I'm getting it as best I can.

Today in school found out all of next week is testing will be tested on a written part then on client consultation then on client assessment and then in gym practicals. Have to learn pounds to kilogram conversions height to both centimeter and meter conversions hip to waist ratio conversions and BMI conversion which is body mass indicator so I have a lot to study on. One of my classmates find out how far I have to walk every night and him and another roommate had decided to start giving me rides home at night. I am lucky I have people that are watching out for me. I have school I don't have a job yet my drug test came out positive. and honestly I don't know how I don't smoke weed but I showed up for it I think maybe being in the shelter and being around second-hand smoke showed up but that's the only thing I can think of.

Well I got paid today and bought a bus pass so now getting around has just became a lot easier. I paid rent and bought me a hat for my walks home. The buses stop running about a half hour before school gets out so what am I going to do Except for walking. The owner of the house went out of his way to get a bike for me to ride home but there's one small problem there's no lock for the bike lol. And I'm not going to be responsible for it getting stolen. Oh well I also ordered a jacket so I can get my nephew's back. And I bought a week's worth of food. And it feels so good to eat when I want now I want 4 days without eating and one of the people here my roommate and fact cook me a huge burrito thanks Jordan

Wow I can't believe it's been almost a month since I started this journey. I'm in the process of finding a job and I was told at my Walmart interview today that I have the job I just have to pass a background check and a urinalysis drug test. I don't do drugs so there's no problem there. I went to school tonight but I walk home. It was cold but it helps me learn my way around the area since I'm new here and have mainly been riding around and learning it is taking some time.

I made it to the house is very nice everyone living here seems really cool. Made a few friends which is unusual for me I've been an introvert for a really long time but in my chosen career I have to be outgoing so I'm learning. I got a ride up to school and my classmates are have B that I have a place to live they were worried about me. The owner of the recovery house gave me a ride home but I'm going to start walking cuz I hate being dependent on people. I was informed that I need to start attending 12 step meetings and I'm not sure about that but we'll see

Jennifer called me today, she found me a place to stay it's $600 a month and I can afford that I had just spent everything I had to make going to school a reality. Only problem is the room won't be available for 2 days no problem. I went to the shelter and got in and caught up on my sleep somewhat. I move into the house tomorrow it just means one more day being homeless but at least I get to catch up on my sleep. My nephew lent me his jacket cause it's getting very cold. Anyways this is just another short entry.

I have been on the phone off and on with a very nice lady named Jennifer. To let you in on a little secret I have been in recovery for 27 years from Meth and Cocaine. Defines this very inspiring and is trying to help me get off the street. She suggested going to one of the recovery houses but I've never been in one and don't feel it's appropriate for me but she's very adamant about me coming to live in one. I guess she feels like I'm going to relapse. And schools good not much to report there, we're doing 10 rep max it's all about how to find somebody's one-rep Max in a safer way. I'm extremely tired but at least I can go sleep in the shelter for the next 2 days and catch up on my rest Maybe.

Man I'm tired LOL, but at least I'm on my own now. This is day 2 of not eating but I have my protein powder but I think it's giving me gas LOL. Today in class the teacher is reviewing material about the muscle system and I farted loud enough for everyone to hear. Everyone busted up laughing so no harm no foul except maybe the gas LOL. It's going on day 2 of no sleep and I'm still going between school and the gym hanging out at night but nothing to do my bags are pretty heavy since in the two of them have everything I own in life. It's hard but I didn't deceive myself I knew it was going to be hard.

Well I slept reasonably okay for being in a homeless shelter. I haven't eaten today because I have to get back to the other end of town for school. And I made it okay, it was just a lot of walking I think 6 miles. So I went to the gym and worked out, I stashed my bags in the locker so I didn't have to lug them around. After class I went back to the gym and hung out. I can't go back to the shelter because it's closed and they won't accept me past hours. So I'm stuck up all night until tomorrow. I'm biding my time between the street and the gym to stay awake.

I called my nephew he's coming to get me. I can't wait I told my roommate my mother was in the hospital and I needed to fly out there. Once my nephew got here though I came clean and told him I was moving out. I feel I don't know anyone a lie. I'm an honest person and really I have nothing to lie about I busted my ass pulling in his Harvest and if he was paying me by the hour I would have covered rent at least twice. Plus I do what I want and go where I want.
I don't have to lie to save feelings I'm a realist and if you can't handle the reality of the situation then stick your head in the ground and hide away from life. I could tell he was hurt maybe he was just lonely and need company but that's not my concern. I'm here in town for school and school alone. Not to make friends or work like a dog. I know it sounds cold but it really isn't I'm just being brutally honest about my situation. Tonight I'll be sleeping on a mat at the homeless shelter instead of in a bed. When I came down to school I knew it wasn't going to be easy, I knew I was going to be homeless and destitute. But anything worth having in your life is worth making sacrifices for whether it be your girlfriend your job or your living situation.

Another day off from school and I'm getting really bored. Thank God for leftovers from the restaurant otherwise I would have died of hunger. Angel hair pasta wood grilled chicken and a spinach and artichoke sauce Yum. I know my roommate was nice enough to take me out for dinner but there's just too much I can't get over and I need to get out of here.
Tomorrow I'll call my nephew to come pick me up.

I have the day off from school which is nice. I also started smoking again which really sucks it's stress. I had my birthday a few days ago but honestly didn't feel much like saying anything and I didn't do very much for it other than it being just another day to me. Tonight my roommates take me out to olive Garden, feels weird being taken out by another guy even though it's just on a friend's level. I don't know the guy is nice enough and all but it still feels strange.

Well I made a decision, I'm moving out. I can't stand old food or being so far from town. I hate being dependent on anyone. Went to school not much happened my classmates are really cool and the teachers awesome. I know this is a short entry but I'm not going to embellish what's going on.

Not much happening today. Me and my roommate hit thrift stores, apparently that's a big thing for him. Trying to get as many deals as he can even though he's probably making bank with his hemp Farm. I guess that's one way of keeping the money you get by buying cheap. Even though for me there's some things you want new like underwear and socks but he don't care. I have not eaten much and see my time is limited here.
School is good though client assessments is a pain in the butt but I'm learning a lot such as how to tell when somebody has underlying problems such as pronated feet upper cross syndrome things like that.

I began reminiscing, back to 6 months ago. My Ex decided I was no longer welcome in my home after 13 years together. I was given couple shirts couple pairs of pants and a sock. What the hell am I going to do with one sock? Where in on one foot and make the other jealous? So I hitchhiked a out of Maine with nothing. I made it to Massachusetts and got stuck for 2 days. I slept by the side of the road behind some bushes and no one would see me especially the cops. You got a ride with the long haul trucker into New York and let out and a Truck Stop. I began trying to hitchhike but every time I tried a state patrol officer would tell me hitchhiking in New York is it illegal. So I got stuck for 3 days at this truck stop no money because I used what I had to replace a few items that I had lost in The Break-Up like clothes and things I needed deodorant Etc. The truck stop manager kick me out and I had no choice but to start walking. I walked for 6 days straight when I get over stressed I develop insomnia. I walked and I walked, I had second-degree sunburns on my arms my neck and my face. I had dehydration and sunstroke. I had dementia from the Heat and ended up in the hospital. while I was there my sister talked to the doctors and told them that she would let me stay with her temporarily. So the great state of New York bought me a bus ticket to Washington State. While I was in the hospital recuperating I decided to go back to school and learn something that I could use as a career rather a job and settle on personal training. Flashback to the present. I'm came a long way and I'm not getting let being here sideline me. Nothing's going to stop me from my goals. Now how do I go about it I think I'll sleep on it and figure it out in the morning.

It sucks I mean working for room and board. But it's necessary. I got to sleep in. But I feel weird being here. I'm on the outskirts of Colorado Springs. Walking anywhere is impossible and I'm stuck on this Farm. I'm starting to question if I should really be here or not. I'm getting minimal study time because I'm being asked to constantly do something and I'm here in Colorado Springs for school. If I flunk or fail then it's totally on me and I have no one else to blame. And school for learning client assessments and making a workout program for each other as practice. Oh and I have gas so I was farting during class and everybody was laughing. Guess I've become the class clown LOL

I am condensing 3 days into this entry. Since two of the days we're actually doing the same thing and I don't want to bore you. Anyhow same thing get up at 5 in the morning and work until 2 in the morning. We harvested 60,000 lb of hemp in the last two days. I have blisters on the insides of my hands and on my fingers I'm working my ass off. Even though I could have worn gloves I didn't. I wanted to make my nephew a hash ball. I've never harvested weed before of any kind. And I heard how to do it so I tried. I don't smoke it myself anymore because of being in school for personal trainer. So I wonder if he will like it. The next night in school I was exhausted but I paid attention. I'll be glad to get some sleep.

Wow this guy's dog is huge and the dog is an asshole. Say something ridgeback I forget the actual name. I mean it's not the dogs fault. It's kept in its kennel for like 20 hours a day and doesn't get to stretch its legs so when he gets out it just is all over you and will not take no for an answer. I do not fault in the animal for its Bad Manners I fault the owner. I have two days off from school. And looks like we're harvesting. I need to go to bed early tonight.

Not much to say today I found out that my new roommate is a hemp farmer. He showed me around his property and all the hemp plants in the next couple days we Harvest. School is fun, learning personal assessments for clients.

Well everything seems to be going well. I have a place to study and I am going to school then hitting the gym after. I found out my roommate is so tight he buys old ready to expire food. I lost my appetite now.

Well I've had many responses to my ad I placed on Craigslist yesterday.
Most are for male seeking male for fun. Since I am straight I rather live on the street. Try explaining to a girl why use a straight guy is living with a gay man. Or bringing girl home and finding out he developed feelings for you that could be really awkward. But I did get 1 answer to the ad and he needs help on his Hemp farm. I took him up on it and move in today.

Well I have today off. I took my nephew and his wife grocery shopping cuz I know tomorrow I am not going to be living there anymore.
Some women can suffer battered wife syndrome even from a parent. When that parent undermines their child's faith in them self and lacks encouragement from said parent. So I put in an ad on Craigslist to find a new place to live. Considering I don't have any money it's a long shot.