The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Actual writings from hospital charts
15:31 Sep 14 2007
Times Read: 677






1. The patient refused autopsy.



2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.



3. Patient has left white blood cells at another

hospital.



4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her

husband states she was very hot in bed last

night.



5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left

side for over a year.

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6. On the second day the knee was better, and on

the third day it disappeared.



7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.

She also appears to be depressed.



8. The patient has been depressed since she

began seeing me in 1993.



9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.



10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male,

mentally alert but forgetful.



11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia

for lunch.



12. She is numb from her toes down.



13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated

and sent home.



14. The skin was moist and dry.



15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.



16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.



17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size

thyroid.



18. She stated that she had been constipated for

most of her life, until she got a divorce.



19. I saw your patient today, who is still under

our car for physical therapy.



20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light

and accommodation.



21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is

circus sized.



22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.



23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.



24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Aren't preprinted checks a great thing?
19:21 Sep 13 2007
Times Read: 679

9/13/07: ENGLEWOOD, Colo. - A man robbing a bank demanded the money by writing a note on one of his own checks, authorities say.



Not surprisingly, he was caught soon afterward.



Forest Kelly Bissonnette, 27, apparently tried to cover his name on the check, then handed the note to a teller Sept. 5 at the Bank of the West in Englewood, according to authorities.



"We could still make it out even though he blacked it out," FBI agent Rene VonderHaar said. Nearly $5,000 was taken.



Surveillance video showed a suspect similar to Bissonnette's description, and a tipster said a man named Forest Kelly claimed he got $5,000 in a bank robbery, according to a federal complaint.

The cab driver
16:24 Sep 13 2007
Times Read: 680

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and

tapped him on the shoulder.





The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up

over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.







For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still

shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me"







The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't

realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.







The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab....I've been driving a hearse for the

last 25 years.

Men . . .
16:17 Sep 13 2007
Times Read: 681

Who said men don't have a sensitive side?



A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.



They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.



The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.



She turns to him... They kiss... And then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.



After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, when the woman rolls over and asks, "Well, how was it?"





The guy says......................





"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Joke time
16:08 Sep 13 2007
Times Read: 682

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter. Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

Chinese food prank call
19:03 Sep 05 2007
Times Read: 684

Greatest prank call ever
19:02 Sep 05 2007
Times Read: 685